Husband doesnt want vasectomy in case we split up and he wants to have kids with someone else!

[BeardedDuck]

We've been together for 23 years and have 4 dc's together. Ive been on pill most of that time (except when pregnant obvs). Had to change to cerazette when i hit 41 as i had high blood pressure. With cerazette i bled every day for six month, doc said this can happen and to persist. Anyway, got fed up with this and lowered labido so dh and i decided i would come off pill and we would use condoms, also giving my body a rest from hormones etc. Dh suggested he might have a vasectomy, i was so keen and said maybe its better to persisy with pill as i didnt really want dh to have to suffer going through vasectomy but he sermed to think it wasnt a big deal. Three months on and wr cant use condoms as dh cant maintain an erection with one on so sex has pretty much been non existant. Ive gelt much better (more frisky off of the pill and no daily bleeding) so thought maybe the vasectomy idea was a good one. However, after three months dh hasnt done anything towards getting it done so this morning, as its my period i thought i would start taking cerazette again (or i would have to wait another month to start taking it) as i want to have a secual relationship with dh. So i told him i'd started taking it and he was a bit sad that i'd felt i had to start taking it again. I said well you weren't going to sort out getting the snip any time soon so i thought i better gey back on pill. He said he was reluctant to have a vasectomy for several reasons like he might win the lottory and we may want more kids or we might split up and he might want kids with someone else! This has really upset me and i can't stop crying. He says i am being hystetical and i just need to stop and get on with the day. Is this normal for a man to think like that? I don't know if im making a big fuss as i'm probably a bit hormonal. I just really hurts me to think thats its more important for him to think about a future relationship than the one hes in right now? Sorry for uber long post x

I think this is a normal(albeit irrational and insensitive) reaction to halting your fertility. My DGM got very upset the morning of her hysterectomy at the thought of not being able to have any more children, she was 84 at the time

I think your DH is trying to say that he is not ready to rule out having any more children.

Holly3434

Ok, I'll explain to you.
The five or 7 (7 to be safest) days that sperm last is relevant before ovulation. So, sex is not safe from at least 7 days before ovulation. But ovulation can occur earlier than expected. So, sex between a period and ovulation is always not safe.
That's when most failures occur.

Now, after ovulation occurs, what matters is the lifespan of the egg. To be safe, wait 3 to 4 days. Once the egg dies, it doesn't matter how long sperm lives because there are no eggs to be fertilised.

So, from four days after ovulation until a period, which is about 10 days, it's perfectly safe to have unprotected sex.

If you don't believe me look it up.

My dh decided he would have a vasectomy. We have 4 dcs and it was ultimately his decision.
The morning of his operation on the steps of the hospital he stunned me by saying

"The only thing that's worrying me is if you die and I meet someone else and want to have kids with them".

I was stunned by his insensitivity and very nearly did a Diy job there and then!

My first thought if he died would be our kids, not finding someone else to have more kids with. He struggles to cope with the ones we've got.

So I understand how you feel op.

I have not read all but I am on cerazette due to horrible periods. I'm 47 now . I had that horrible few months of heavy bleeding when I started . So many times I rang doctor and said I will give up but she encouraged me to stick with it . I did and now it's fantastic . Have had 2 light periods in a year . I don't know myself .

Same as planetmuff here - that was several years ago and he now does have 2 dcs with someone else. I remember it shaking me a little at the time but in retrospect it was a big red flag.
Hopefully yours is just thoughtless and not a philanderer though.

You have put your body through pregnancy and childbirth four times to give him his children. Years of taking hormonal contraception too. I would say his turn!

OP, he doesn't want somebody else, you've built a life together.
BUT he is being practical. If you died or left him and he wanted more kids he's still young enough to have them.
If it was me I wouldn't force my DH to have the snip, but I wouldn't be going on the pill either.
Id maybe try to solve the erection issue!

It was insensitive. We are in a difficult position where I have extremely limited contraceptive choices. DH was prepared to get a vasectomy but the doctor asked him various questions, including this one and he decided that he couldn't swear that he would never want any more children so changed his mind. I supported him in that decision tbh, it's his body and I wouldn't want to be sterilised for the same reasons. He is happy to use condoms though so that helps.

I think he should have been careful what he said, and I think he's being unreasonable if he won't use condoms but I don't think he should have to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one.

Ok so you can still get pleasure, you don't need an erect penis for that.
Is he still willing to pleasure you OP?
Or is sex all about his needs too.
Frankly this man has 4 kids, I'm assuming is in his 40s why would he even consider bringing more children in to the world?

You could give me £60,000,000 , .I would not have any more DC's.

Just to let you know my do had the ship when he was married,he was given an ultimatum by his then wife, bet the ship or no sex.
She then fucked off with om. I can tell you we have the best sex ever. He is exceptionally virile ( sorry if tmi). He is all man believe me.
Oh and a great dad to his kids too.

Yes it is your dhs body, but it is also your sex life and happiness.

'tubal ligation isn't exactly a hardship and is far better than stuffing chemicals into your body althout my GP did say it can induce early menopause - mine started at 45 so it's possible.'

Plenty of women find it difficult and/or painful. It's is not without side effects.

My ex had a vasectomy his mom tried to change his m8nd because we might split up and he might want a girl (we have two boys) he said no because he is happy with his children doesn't want anymore

We split up he maintains he has no regrets

I think you are being over sensitive OP.
DH and I had this kind of talk many times over the years and he said quite bluntly that he didn't want the snip in case he was ever on his own (for whatever reason- divorce, widowhood) and might want more children.
I accepted that as a valid reason. No one can see into the future and as men can be fathers till the day they die I think it's a valid comment. I don't know why you are so miffed, to be honest.

When I had my vasectomy I really didn't expect it to end up where it is today, on the brink of failure.

Reversals are not reliable and I believe significantly more unpleasant than the initial operation.

I'm latter 40's so even if my marriage does go down the pan the it is unlikely that I'd end up in a relationship where the woman want a child but not impossible.

Hurtful he may be but realistic enough to understand that the future is never certain.

"It" being my marriage BTW

My Ex had the snip after our 3rd child - I was willing to be sterilised as I had been advised not to have any more children (health related!) - but he nobly said that I had been through enough with 3 C sections and now it was his turn.

When he went for his pre-op consult, he mentioned about having a General Anaesthetic as he was very squeamish. The consultants (absolutely brilliant imo) response: "Mr Blobby, You certainly don't need a GA for an operation QUITE as minor as this one is". Probably very tactless of me but I pmsl when he told me!! (We were nowhere near separating at that point so he wasn't offended and all taken in context )

So compared to childbirth the snip is a minor op!

My DH told me when I was pregnant with our 2nd that he would get a vasectomy. But it took another 5 years because it transpired afterwards that he was terrified of getting it done. After he had it done he said "gosh if I had known it would be that easy, I'd have done it years ago!" I was not amused.