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Original poster

Husband doesnt want vasectomy in case we split up and he wants to have kids with someone else!

91 replies

BeardedDuck · 05/03/2017 12:21

We've been together for 23 years and have 4 dc's together. Ive been on pill most of that time (except when pregnant obvs). Had to change to cerazette when i hit 41 as i had high blood pressure. With cerazette i bled every day for six month, doc said this can happen and to persist. Anyway, got fed up with this and lowered labido so dh and i decided i would come off pill and we would use condoms, also giving my body a rest from hormones etc. Dh suggested he might have a vasectomy, i was so keen and said maybe its better to persisy with pill as i didnt really want dh to have to suffer going through vasectomy but he sermed to think it wasnt a big deal. Three months on and wr cant use condoms as dh cant maintain an erection with one on so sex has pretty much been non existant. Ive gelt much better (more frisky off of the pill and no daily bleeding) so thought maybe the vasectomy idea was a good one. However, after three months dh hasnt done anything towards getting it done so this morning, as its my period i thought i would start taking cerazette again (or i would have to wait another month to start taking it) as i want to have a secual relationship with dh. So i told him i'd started taking it and he was a bit sad that i'd felt i had to start taking it again. I said well you weren't going to sort out getting the snip any time soon so i thought i better gey back on pill. He said he was reluctant to have a vasectomy for several reasons like he might win the lottory and we may want more kids or we might split up and he might want kids with someone else! This has really upset me and i can't stop crying. He says i am being hystetical and i just need to stop and get on with the day. Is this normal for a man to think like that? I don't know if im making a big fuss as i'm probably a bit hormonal. I just really hurts me to think thats its more important for him to think about a future relationship than the one hes in right now? Sorry for uber long post x

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/03/2017 13:55

Can you have a hysterectomy instead?

WTAF?! Do you realise this is a MAJOR operation, with serious consequences and is never done for purposes of contraception!?

OP, go back on teh pill. FUCK getting a fucking coil shoved up you that you don't want, or having an op on your body that you don't want, either.

He's being a complete dick. And you know what, if my h dies, my priority would be our present kids, not my potential to sprog off with someone else. If I met someone else who wanted kids, I'd have to break it off and tell them they need to find someone else.

He looked sad you were going on the pill? Diddums. He goes to the GP and sorts out his erectile issues or you use teh pill. Them's the choices.

ClemDanfango · 05/03/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goodasgoldilox · 05/03/2017 13:55

Lack of sensitivity - wow!

Well at least you know he isn't likely to be pussy-footing about and lying to you about anything. He does seem to go straight for the brutal truth.

It is a big thing to have a permanent operation - his hesitation sounds human. (Some catastrophe might leave him the only man on the planet - his fertility would be essential in saving the human race... hope the remaining women are tough but also able to pass on some sensitive genes to future children.)

Merina coil is good. No side effects here.

ClemDanfango · 05/03/2017 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 05/03/2017 13:57

I don't think he meant it. I bet he's googled and was just trotting out the usual generic reasons (without engaging his brain Hmm)

See why you're upset though.

CurlsandCurves · 05/03/2017 13:57

It was an insensitive way of putting it but that's the exact reason why I decided to be sterilised.

I knew 100% I did not want any more kids, no matter what. If we were to split and meet other people my feelings would not change. DH could not say the same, so it made sense for me to go for it.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 05/03/2017 13:58

Sorry, tubal occlusion, where the tubes are blocked or clipped. They don't tend to cut them any more. The NHS website is very good.

HalfInLoveWithElizabeth · 05/03/2017 13:58

Ah, cross-posted with PaterPower - I'm sorry to hear that about dating :-(

MrsEvadneCake · 05/03/2017 14:00

It was very insensitive to say it and then to think you can just get on with the day. It would have been better to understand the upset it caused and sort it out with you.

When we went for the couples counselling for my DHs we were asked that though, what if we split up and he wanted more children. Plus what if one of our children died. They have to make sure you've really considered the implications of it to you both.

Crunchyside · 05/03/2017 14:01

I think it's fair enough that you feel upset at the thought of him considering this, however he probably felt he had to justify himself, and this is quite a good reason not to get the snip. It's one of the main reasons for vasectomy reversals.

No-one likes to consider that eventuality but it's not supposed to be thought of as a reversible procedure (reversals are not always successful) so even the most unlikely eventuality should be considered.

QueenOfTheSardines · 05/03/2017 14:01

Have you looked at other contraceptive options - bleeding every day, lowered libido are big side effects. Lowered libido especially ironic as you have gone back on as you want a sex life! I had mirena and it was awful but others really like it, copper coil, cap, do they still make femidoms? I'm sure you have thought about alternatives but just in case. There must be something better out there than this - you say you felt so much better off it - it seems such a shame to go back.

On the vasectomy thing, I don't understand why he said all that. You had already gone back on the pill, you'd accepted he wasn't going to get one and hadn't pressured or gone on about it, just saw it wasn't happening and so acted pragmatically. All he had to say was that he wasn't keen, or that he had changed his mind. He has 4 kids already, it seems a bit much to say oh well we might split up and I might want more, he'll still have the original 4 won't he. He'll still need to be in their lives and care for them and all the rest of it.The implication is that if you split up then somehow you all vanish and he starts again which seems a bit odd. I suspect he was just thinking of reasons off the cuff as he felt guilty about you going back on the pill and fucked it up and now wants to pretend it's your fault.

I doubt he meant it but I also don't think you're at all unreasonable to be upset. If you're upset then you're upset. He should be apologising for saying something that upset you rather than telling you to shut up buck up and get on with it.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 05/03/2017 14:02

A hysterectomy is not the equivalent of a vasectomy and cannot be done on just on demand.
You could get tubes tied, but neither is this the equivalent of a vasectomy, it is much more invasive.

neveradullmoment99 · 05/03/2017 14:03

What a thing to say! Are you sure he wasnt joking? Its the sort of thing someone might say flippantly as a joke. I would get him to expand on what he meant. If it is exactly what he meant i think i would be rethinking my relationship . Its a simple as that. I have been with my dh for nearly 30 years and he would never go for a vasectomy but his reasons is he doesnt want his bits touched! The thing is, we have young kids right now and i know that his reason is genuine. I have to say thought, Its strange he felt it necessary to tell you he may want kids later on even if he thought it.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 05/03/2017 14:04

Oops..Remind self not to make cup of tea mid posting..Grin

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 14:06

It wasn't a great thing to say, but at a certain age, that would also be the reason I would not get sterilised. In case me and DH split up and I wanted more kids with another man.

I reckon many people think this way, it's just that they wouldn't say it.

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 14:07

He sounds like a typical man, unable to say he doesn't want a vasectomy in the clumsiest way possible - foot in mouth disease.
However clumsy he is it's clear he doesn't want one - it probably challenges his masculinity or something. Quite honestly if someone doesn't want a vasectomy then nobody has the right to force them to have one for whatever reason.
Have you thought about being sterilised, I had it done and it was the best thing I ever did, no more horrible pills which never agreed with me and no more worry of pregnancy. Brilliant.

pinkdonkey · 05/03/2017 14:08

It was an insesitive comment, but it is a consideration. I know someone who had the snip in his 20s, married, 2 unplanned kids very close together. 2 years later they divorced, his new wife now wants kids....

Naicehamshop · 05/03/2017 14:09

What a stupid and insensitive thing to say!

And why the hell should the op think about having a sterilisation? She has already taken responsibility for contraception for a long time - now it's his bloody turn!

Lweji · 05/03/2017 14:11

He deserves a (virtual) slap for using the word hysterical.

But he is not unreasonable for being worried about doing something so final.
One of his arguments was hurtful to you, but he's basically saying he may well want more children, for whatever reason. Which is fair.

I'd give him some time and try to discuss it without tears.

Meanwhile, have you considered female condoms?
Or even use a method to detect ovulation, so that you could at least have unprotected sex for about 10 days every month? The greatest failure rate for such methods is when ovulation comes earlier, so you could avoid intra vaginal sex between your period and ovulation, and then resume about 3 days after ovulation and until your period starts.
Would that be acceptable for you?

alphabook · 05/03/2017 14:14

Not a very sensitive comment but I can understand his reasoning and ultimately it's his body, his choice. I'm amazed by the amount of people who think he should have a procedure done that he doesn't want because it's "only fair". It doesn't matter what's fair, it only matters what he wants to do with his own body.

If he has erectile dysfunction then that's a completely different issue that he needs to get investigated/sorted.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/03/2017 14:15

Bitofacow
4 kids you've made your physical sacrifices for the family and the relationship.

Unless the OP was forced in to these, its a false argument

It's his turn.

No, Its his body, his decision.

ChinUpChestOut · 05/03/2017 14:15

Absolutely his body, his choice. But does he really want to consider having more children, in the unlikely event that you two split up?

Perhaps you should do a spreadsheet of the costs of separation and divorce, and then the costs of alimony and maintenance of 4 children post divorce, plus his separate living costs. And then ask him again, just how likely it is at his age, and with these ongoing costs, that he will start a whole new family?

He's not thought this through. Tell him to think seriously about the effect on you of long term oral contraception, versus the small chance that you will split up and he will want and be able to afford a second family.

Lweji · 05/03/2017 14:18

Perhaps you should do a spreadsheet of the costs of separation and divorce, and then the costs of alimony and maintenance of 4 children post divorce, plus his separate living costs. And then ask him again, just how likely it is at his age, and with these ongoing costs, that he will start a whole new family?

Great method for keeping couples together. Confused

Original poster
BeardedDuck · 05/03/2017 14:23

Thanks for all your replys. Just to clarify i never actually wanted him to have vasectomy, it was his suggestion, initially i advised him against it as i didnt want him to have to have a painful procedure when i could put up with some bleeding even if it was inconveniant. I was fine with taking the pill again and would never pressurise any one into doing something they didnt want to do but he kept saying he would get it done so i thought ok cool, if hes happy to do it why not. It just really hurts me that he is thinking we may split up and he'll have kids with someone else. We've been together since we were 17 and we are 40 and 41 now with grown up boys of 22 and 19 and two of 11 and 4. I imagined we'd be together forever and now i feel like maybe he wants something else and it scares me.

OP posts:
robinofsherwood · 05/03/2017 14:33

His body, his choice BUT that doesnt prevent OP having feelings about his choice.

She had the prospect of a healthy libido (Ik stuck on hormones for health reasons & miss feeling frisky) and a worry free sex life to go with it. His decision has taken that away, potentially for good. I'd be sad about that too, without him stupidly introducing an imaginary future partner.