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Original poster

Husband doesnt want vasectomy in case we split up and he wants to have kids with someone else!

91 replies

BeardedDuck · 05/03/2017 12:21

We've been together for 23 years and have 4 dc's together. Ive been on pill most of that time (except when pregnant obvs). Had to change to cerazette when i hit 41 as i had high blood pressure. With cerazette i bled every day for six month, doc said this can happen and to persist. Anyway, got fed up with this and lowered labido so dh and i decided i would come off pill and we would use condoms, also giving my body a rest from hormones etc. Dh suggested he might have a vasectomy, i was so keen and said maybe its better to persisy with pill as i didnt really want dh to have to suffer going through vasectomy but he sermed to think it wasnt a big deal. Three months on and wr cant use condoms as dh cant maintain an erection with one on so sex has pretty much been non existant. Ive gelt much better (more frisky off of the pill and no daily bleeding) so thought maybe the vasectomy idea was a good one. However, after three months dh hasnt done anything towards getting it done so this morning, as its my period i thought i would start taking cerazette again (or i would have to wait another month to start taking it) as i want to have a secual relationship with dh. So i told him i'd started taking it and he was a bit sad that i'd felt i had to start taking it again. I said well you weren't going to sort out getting the snip any time soon so i thought i better gey back on pill. He said he was reluctant to have a vasectomy for several reasons like he might win the lottory and we may want more kids or we might split up and he might want kids with someone else! This has really upset me and i can't stop crying. He says i am being hystetical and i just need to stop and get on with the day. Is this normal for a man to think like that? I don't know if im making a big fuss as i'm probably a bit hormonal. I just really hurts me to think thats its more important for him to think about a future relationship than the one hes in right now? Sorry for uber long post x

OP posts:
lavenderandrose · 05/03/2017 14:34

YANBU.

I think four children is quite enough, and it's very disrespectful to you.

Of course, him choosing not to have a vasectomy is one thing, but for the reasons cited is awful.

Lweji · 05/03/2017 14:39

Together forever is a nice thought, but many people are realistic. It may not represent his feelings about you, but a down to earth view that you could decide to leave him too. :)

He also said he might want to have some more children with you in the future, so, surely, that's not bad.

Imi22sleeping · 05/03/2017 14:42

My friends husbands first wife did die at 32 and he had had one she now has 2kids with him but he had to get it revesrsed

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 15:08

just really hurts me that he is thinking we may split up and he'll have kids with someone else.

I understand this, but when there are so many failing relationships around, it's a possibility.

There's a wife who cheated on her DH and they had kids at the time. He was in his late twenties, but they'd decided they wouldn't have any more DC, so he had a vasectomy.

While they are happily reconciled and together more than 30 years later, he did say that knowing he couldn't have more DC, was a strong factor in staying, because he knew any other potential woman would want DC and he'd end up on his own.

Nobody wants to think about splitting up, but with the high divorce rate, it's a valid concern.

The merina coil has pretty much stopped me having periods, so you may wish to consider it. Or he could try different types of condoms. The ultra thin and super sensitive ones.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 15:10

I think four children is quite enough

So do I, but he may want more.

lavenderandrose · 05/03/2017 15:19

So is he going to be providing for his five children, six children?

AllllGooone · 05/03/2017 15:22

Weird comment. Where does he think his 4 children will go if you split up? Odd.

BlackMirror · 05/03/2017 15:27

My dad had a vasectomy after me then met my stepmum and got it reversed. My brother is now 21.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 15:29

It's a very practical take on it.

I know a couple who met after the man separated from his wife post vasectomy. She was desperate for a child and was devestated when the reversal he had failed.

It may have been insensitive and he probably doesn't want to split up he's just trying to cover all the options of "what if" I imagine.

QueenOfTheSardines · 05/03/2017 15:32

I don't think the stories about men who got vasectomies when they were young / only had one child are quite the same as here where he's already had two "sets" of children - one set who are 22 and 19 and then he has quite a young family still how at 11 and 4. He's in his early 40s yes so not super old to start "again" but realistically by the time they split up and he meets someone else and they decide to start a family he will be getting on a bit.

If what he wants is more kids with the OP then that's a conversation they need to have.

I think he got cold feet about a vasectomy and this is the reason he came up with on the hoof when he was feeling guilty about OP going back on drug which gives her these side effects.

OP please do explore all alternative avenues of contraception - going back to the daily bleeding, lack of libido etc sounds like a thing to be avoided if at all possible.

Lweji · 05/03/2017 15:39

Where does he think his 4 children will go if you split up?

Presumably, two of them to their own homes, as they are now older than 19.

TinselTwins · 05/03/2017 15:44

I think it's a perfectly valid consideration and I think YABU!

When we had the vasectomy conversation, DH was all for it, but I brought up the "What ifs" such as "what if something happened to me, and you met someone else who made you happy and was kind to the girls, and she wanted more children?"

OP, you don't sound like an adult! it's an adult conversation, same as "we should make wills" doesn't mean "I hope you die soon!"

You MIGHT split up! it's a possiblility in all long term relationships! providing for that contingency (e.g. when buying property, or pension planning, or irreversible contraception) doesn't mean you WANT to split up! it's just being grown up about it!

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 15:49

Where does he think his 4 children will go if you split up?

How is that even relevant to what he's saying?

He is taking hypothetically about kids with a new partner, not discarding the ones he has.

Lelloteddy · 05/03/2017 16:07

It's a shitty, insensitive thing for him to say.
Modern society tends to view marriage and long term relationships as disposable though so his mindset is not that surprising.

You need to decide if you want to continue in a marriage where your husband wants to keeps his options open Hmm

Planetmuff · 05/03/2017 16:15

My STBXH refused to have a vasectomy for those reasons in 2014. About 6 months later I discovered he was having an affair.
I would just be on guard.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/03/2017 16:18

The couple I spoke of were trying to start a family in their 40s. Hence her devastation upon realising she could not have a biological child with him after the reversal.

SallyInSweden · 05/03/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 05/03/2017 16:30

It was really insensitive of him to say that. But I don't think men or women should be guilt tripped into having sterilisation unless they want to.

TheNaze73 · 05/03/2017 17:26

Agree with his rationale, you never knows what's around the corner. Bit tactless the way he put it though

TinselTwins · 05/03/2017 17:30

It would be tactless to say it in other contexts, like randomly over date night dinner.

Future planning like this is exactly the time and the place for a conversation like this though.

How can you discuss this sort of contraception without discussing the potenital outcomes of its permanance?

Holly3434 · 05/03/2017 17:41

Never heard such shit nonsense. An ovulation test kit so can have unprotected sex for 10 days a month wtf? Sperm can stay alive in a woman for 7 days....absolutely crazy advice on here some times why not just suggest the pull out method it was very rude comment to make to you, he should be thinking if we split can he afford csa payments on top of another woman and child.

Lweji · 05/03/2017 17:52

Holly3434

I suggest you look up the actual correct info before spouting your ignorance.

Ididtry · 05/03/2017 18:01

I think his is a valid concern and I understand why he wouldn't want to do something that seems so final, we none of us know what the future holds. It's good that he's talked to you about it imo. Now he's got to talk about how your sex life is going to be between now and your menopause.

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 18:01

"What a stupid and insensitive thing to say!

And why the hell should the op think about having a sterilisation? She has already taken responsibility for contraception for a long time - now it's his bloody turn!"

i don't disagree at all Naicehamshop but all I'm saying is if he won't have one and the op doesn't want more kids tubal ligation isn't exactly a hardship and is far better than stuffing chemicals into your body althout my GP did say it can induce early menopause - mine started at 45 so it's possible.
I wouldn't put up with that personally, I dumped my first husband for less but not everyone wants to dump their husbands :-)

Holly3434 · 05/03/2017 18:03

Sorry, I stand corrected it's 5 days not 7. Ignorance yeah? Can see every Dr saying here have an ovulation test it's highly recommended.