There isn't someone for everyone, is there? :(

[BovarysOvaries]

I read a comment on another thread on here that said something like "for every awful man there are five nice ones" - and I just thought "where the hell are they??"

I read your descriptions of what a relationship should be like (which I agree with, btw!) and which seem as achievable for me as walking on the moon.

I'm 43 years old - never married, no kids, never lived with anyone. I've had dates and flings and sex and 'things' that have lasted a few months, but nothing more.

I've tried OLD, meetup groups, classes, courses, meeting people through friends. I've tried being single and focusing on me and 'letting it happen'. There have been periods - long periods - where I've been fine with being single, but I'm beginning to feel like I'll never have a relationship. That there's something terribly wrong with me.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt - I'd just like to have a shot at the love and support and comfort that some of you describe so eloquently.

I have an interesting job, friends, hobbies. I'm busy. I just feel like there's a gaping hole in my life because I go home at night and close the door and I'm lonely.

I've NC for this because being so honest is painful and I feel a bit pathetic writing it all out.

So as not to dripfeed - I was emotionally abused growing up, and have had counselling for that for years. I've also been on meds for depression and anxiety (also with EA at the root) for around 15 years.

Any advice?

nota have you tried looking at the cause instead of treating the symptoms? Could it be hormonal? You seem a bit young for peri-meno but you never know. I know someone who had great results taking Oxybutilin. I second the Botox suggestion too.

I'm not beautiful, I'm merely attractive, but there's no way I would ever have dated a 50-55 year old when I was 35, where are all these 35 year olds who will happily date a man 15 years older than they are? None of my friends would have either. I just don't get it. Also if it's so easy for men of 50-55 to date much younger women then why do I get so many messages? 35 is years behind me! I wouldn't worry at all about men's entitlement now after having done OLD for 18 months, just make sure they aren't too new to OLD so that they realise the above, ie, that ageing applies to men as well.

You live and learn though, now, I know not to leave the house to date a man who hasn't already been on a good few dates. I went on a date with a man a while ago and we got on brilliantly, but because I was his first internet date, he just went away thinking, wow, great date, she was nice, that was so easy! I'll keep playing! I feel / sense if he'd been OLD for a year + he would have known that it was an unusually good date.

But then, if I'd met the guy I'm dating right now first, I mightn't have thought there was enough chemistry. Now I know that chemistry hits the wall within 6-8 weeks nine times out of ten.

I gave up looking some time ago. I've now been single 7 years, haven't been on a date in over 5 and don't see it changing. I'm a man who doesn't want children or to be a step parent, so finding a partner is like a needle in a haystack. I have hobbies, friends. But the loneliness is becoming overwhelming.

I don't understand why an attractive 35 year old woman would date a fat bald older man either. But clearly they do as my ex has pulled one! It's unbelievable.
I have had lots of interest from attractive younger men but they just want a shag. And I've met 30 year olds who are still living like students in shared houses. That's down to house prices here but I want someone who is financially stable and doesn't want (any more) kids.
There's definitely more quantity than quality out there..

Many of my colleagues and friends are divorced and readily admit that OLD is like kid in a sweetshop for them and they indulge in a lot of tasting! . . . A lot basically just want regular sex and the odd night out.

Hacpac I think for men looking for sex OLD is absolutely a sweetshop - plus alot of older guys never had OLD as younger men. I know of a man in his late 40s/early 50s who got divorced, discovered OLD and was bragging to his colleagues about having sex with 2 womena in one day. He had various women on the go, got regular sex and was as happy as a happy meal.

I don't understand why an attractive 35 year old woman would date a fat bald older man either

I've always dated older men and always found them attractive even when I was younger. It's a personal preference thing. They aren't all fat and bald. And older bald men can be more attractive than many men - Bruce Willis for example!

I was always an over-achiever and found that older men weren't intimidated by me. It was easier to relax and be myself. Plus they tend to be more confident and wealthier /career established - which is very attractive - particularly if you are being really spoiled and wined and dined.

Not all young women feel that way, just as not all older men looking for a relationship want a much younger woman. However, an older man just looking for sex will almost inevitably want a much younger woman for all kinds of reasons - and not just looks. Younger women tend to be more relaxed about dating and less focused on "a relationship".

Hacpac's comment made me wonder whether once you get past a certain age (no idea what that is) whether men or women or both just don't "fall in love" any more?

Maybe that function gets hormonally or biologically switched off? I mean after all the biological purpose is to create a bond to raise children. For post-menopausal women and older men (esp those who have had children and don't want more) maybe there is no recapturing that true falling in love feeling.... just idly wondering.

Hacpacs comment quite true and poignant. Never usually agree with a man on MN but sums up my thoughts and feelings on the matter. I think men possibly are better when they're younger, full of dreams, etc. Maybe there is a misery or hardening that develops over time. Probably only a few men improve with age is the reality - they're not "done in" by life but have managed to develop. Cheers has made a good point - that falling in love thing probably isn't so necessary or even desirable after (say) aged 50, so chasing it can only be an illusion. However as Shatner (another man!) says, we can still need relationships of some kind. Answers on a postcard ...

Blimey. All so depressing.

Although i think ive met somebody :o

I agree with your OP. I'm 33 and I've dated two men in that time. The first one was emotionally abusive and I felt very suffocated by him, he was always phoning up every day (I hate talking on the phone) and interrupting my dinner. After a couple of months I told him that I no longer wanted to be his doormat and left. I went back to an ex boyfriend who was a grade 8 bastard rather than the level 10 one I dated. He was rude and critical of the things I liked and thought he was something special.

Anyway, he cheated on me last year after I'd had a nervous breakdown (he knew this). I went to therapy and it made me realise that I am probably too strong/stubborn/independent but I wouldn't change that for the world. I love my independence. Although XP did request us to be friends on Facebook and I declined it as he was trying to worm his way back in (I think OW dumped him and he thought I'll settle for Hunter). But I no longer wanted to be second best, I want someone to put me first.

I have 2 cousins - who were both and still are independent career women and they didn't find anyone until their late 30's or indeed have children until their 40's, so I've got plenty of time yet. As for children, I don't have any yet and I won't be too upset if I can't/don't have any.

Sometimes, particularly at Xmas it did hit me quite hard and I'm sure at my dsis' wedding later this year, there'll be pointed questions about me being next and I do worry about how I'll cope with it.

Kavan, congrats and your story sounds wonderful .

CheersMedea I also prefer older men and I would happily date someone of any age if they looked after their appearance and were in reasonably good nick. But most of the men I see on dating sites who are 45+ are a right state. Women make an effort to look good but most men in this age bracket don't seem to have a clue.

As far as the appearance theme goes, I think BoringUserName has a point. Alot of men 45+ are in a shocking physical state and are very unnattractive. Obviously its partly because women are more erm... "encouraged" to look after their appearance, and men much less so. Life sometimes doles out some hard physical knocks and men seem less concerned about the physical toll of bad habits, bad food, alcohol etc has on their health or looks. Whatever the reasons, it doesn't stop them, as Hacpac points out, often being very entitled nonetheless! This has been my experience too. If a man 45+ is attractive in any way or got a decent job, I have found that sense of entitlement usually rockets into the stratisphere!! I find it really a bit distasteful and has put me off men my own age (early 50s) who I might have a lot in common with.

Many men in their 50's and older can be quite miserable I find

Why do you think this is? I certainly know many men who hit 40s and 50s and are just grumpy.

Hacpac's comment made me wonder whether once you get past a certain age (no idea what that is) whether men or women or both just don't "fall in love" any more?

But I want to fall in love and be loved in return.

I've never been in a relationship where I was loved. Not even my parents. I really don't want to believe that I will get to the end of my life not being loved by anyone!

(I don't count my children in that. We love each other, but it's not the same.)

I just spotted your comments and they cheered me no end. You are quite correct. 😊