There isn't someone for everyone, is there? :(

[BovarysOvaries]

I read a comment on another thread on here that said something like "for every awful man there are five nice ones" - and I just thought "where the hell are they??"

I read your descriptions of what a relationship should be like (which I agree with, btw!) and which seem as achievable for me as walking on the moon.

I'm 43 years old - never married, no kids, never lived with anyone. I've had dates and flings and sex and 'things' that have lasted a few months, but nothing more.

I've tried OLD, meetup groups, classes, courses, meeting people through friends. I've tried being single and focusing on me and 'letting it happen'. There have been periods - long periods - where I've been fine with being single, but I'm beginning to feel like I'll never have a relationship. That there's something terribly wrong with me.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt - I'd just like to have a shot at the love and support and comfort that some of you describe so eloquently.

I have an interesting job, friends, hobbies. I'm busy. I just feel like there's a gaping hole in my life because I go home at night and close the door and I'm lonely.

I've NC for this because being so honest is painful and I feel a bit pathetic writing it all out.

So as not to dripfeed - I was emotionally abused growing up, and have had counselling for that for years. I've also been on meds for depression and anxiety (also with EA at the root) for around 15 years.

Any advice?

Thanks for the male perspective.

I'm 43, have my 'range' set on dating profiles as 37-50 and state that I don't want children. I've also specified - where it's an option - that I'm happy to date anyone with children.

Most (at least 80%) of the messages I get are from married men / men living abroad / men in their mid-20s who have 'shag an older woman' on their bucket list

"Are we paying the price for the desire for women to have it all ? Career, husband, children, house etc... ?" - men have all of these things. Why shouldn't women?

Completely agree with your penultimate paragraph.

When I was doing online dating, I had my range set at no more than 3 years younger than me, and no more than 8 years older.

Ideally, I'd meet someone between my age and 5 years older.

I'm 35, been married, had 2 children, dated loads of men but only ever end up with complete idiots that treat me badly. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever find someone to grow old with. I'm close to giving up.

Why are there so many men who treat women badly?

I mean, I know there are women who are shitty too, but there seem to be so many men.

OP, I know this one is always trotted out but we have to try and feel whole in ourselves, because we are a complete person. Now, of course, this is easier said than done, we have our whole lives to work on this, some people will never achieve it in this life, all we can do is keep trying. Relationships can't make us whole, they can help us with all sorts of things but not to be at one with ourselves. That's my theory anyway, I feel much better in my life than I have for such a long time but I still have a lot to work on. I'm doing the OLD ATM, to find someone to add to my life, not to make me complete though, whether I find someone or not, I'll still feel that I'm whole.

Bovarys, I don't disagree with you when you say "why shouldn't women ?" What I'm trying to say is that there is biology at work for women, and all of us are showered with media stories about rich women having a career and babies in their late 40's whereas the reality that I see is very different. I see women who have left the choice to settle down and have children very late because of various reasons, but focussing on a career is often one of them, and suddenly find themselves with a very real time imperative and a relatively small dating pool. I am in no way saying it's right, but it is a fact at the moment...

Life is about choices... Consequences of choices often seem a long way away when we're in our 20's and early 30's. There is no right or wrong answer, there is only whether we're able to live with the choices we make or not as we get older. This is getting a bit off topic. Sorry OP...

I sometimes think that society would be a lot better if hugging was more widely accepted. Being alone is okay, being lonely is horrible. Sometimes just a hug would be enough to help people understand they they're not alone and give that element of human contact. We're social animals and yet we seem to be driving ourselves into a world where a significant chunk of people will miss out on that social interaction.

For every awful man there are five nice ones. IME it's the other way round.

No, I don't think there's someone for everyone, unfortunately. I've tried all of those things, too, but am still single with no likelihood of that changing any time soon.

I think I would say

• plenty of married people are unhappy and have made terrible life compromises.
• plenty of married people have settled for someone sub-standard in order just to not be alone (I look at some married men I know and my skin crawls. I look at their wives and think "how could you?")

-for a lot of people who find a "right" person, there is luck involved. There are a lot of stages to that: a) meeting the right person at all. b) Meeting the right person in a setting that gives an opportunity to start a relationship at all (By which I mean appropriate to give it a try and opportunity to do so - not your dr or the day you are emigrating to New Zealand) c) Meeting when you are both single and available d) meeting when you are both in similar life stages (your taxi light is on as the saying goes) and e) having the opportunity for the relationship to develop (job offers etc, career stages can interfere with this).

• it is easier to meet people to date when you are younger, but if you settle into a long term relationship then, you miss out on so much. I guarantee a lot of what you have done and achieved in your 43 year you wouldn't have done if you'd been married and had kids. There are a lot of compromises there.

I

I meant to say - not everyone can be lucky but it isn't actually the end of the world. Better selfishly single than a put-upon cheated-on wife running a household with no thanks.

Love the thread.

My only advice is to date so many people you cease to care. Every date is just a night out. Very occasionally I meet somebody and I erroneously believe that it's mutual but it turns out that they just want to keep me on the back burner while they continue to look for somebody better! That outcome hurt the first time, not any more. I move on so fast now I leave skid marks. I also learnt a lot about attachment styles from one dismissively avoidant man I had a relationship with. That was a rabbit hole worth falling down. Literally every relationship I've had (short and doomed though they all were) I learnt something very valuable. The very first, I hid behind humour because I thought he was out of my league and I 'sang for my supper' every date. I ended up feeling quite disconnected from him. Another guy, he knew I'd had a date the night before I met him, so he quickly locked me down by love bombing me and rushing me and I didn't know how to slow it down without losing him. But he wasn't as certain of me as I thought, he was only doing it to lock me down so he could consider at his leisure whether he actually wanted me or not.

but Ever the optimist, I'm going on a sixth date tomorrow night with a man who seems (so far) lovely. Don't they always to begin with. However. I feel I have a better rein on my own emotions now, after the last twenty two dates! ha ha.

Good luck to you all. And as for you all worrying about men going out only with younger women, who are all these women who'll happily settle for a considerably older man!? I set my parametres to 3 years younger and 7 years older but I'd prefer less of an age gap than that in a perfect world. So, of all the men I've been out with not one of them has been more than 6 years older than I am. Not too bad.

Oh yes, love the ''age is just a number'' bandits. When applied to them! But they send messages to women 15 years younger.

The man I'm dating now, I think we'd be compatible but I'm so unused to being in the position where your friends and family see you with somebody and you know assess whether you have done ''well'', or ... not
I would find that very embarrassing. The man I'm going out with again tomorrow, we get on very well but I can imagine my parents looking him over and thinking he looks ordinary. Also, me and that guy have had some very interesting conversations about life, society and parenting (our parents' parenting rather than our own, so I know he's emotionally aware) but he's also kind of chatty he rambles on, I don't mind it but I can imagine my parents thinking empty vessels make most sound. And then saying to each other, this is the guy she was holding out for and I feel embarrassed even though they don't even know he exists. I wouldn't tell them. Nearly every guy I've dated I've seen him through my parents' lens as well as through my own.
When you meet somebody that you feel comfortable with, even if they're not your parents' cup of tea, how do you tolerate your parents opinion of your choice ??

Well, I hope there is no one for me, because he'll stay single. I am late 40s, single and no DC, but both by choice.

Beer I'm at the beginning of this process at the minute. I'm glad you've got a strategy that is protecting you. My plan is to message back and forth to see if there's a connection, then phone call, then Skype or the likes, then and ONLY then will I consider meeting them. Are you vetting them enough first?

Plus, I can understand re what people or parents will think but I think we have to basically not give a shit what they think as long as we're happy, that'll just be our ego making us think that.

I am vetting them well, before I go out to meet them I know that they're reasonably smart, we can chat at least on line. I don't meet anybody who still wants kids at 50 fgs But it doesn't even matter any more because the number of dates I've been on means I turn up investing very little in to it. It's a drive by. We're kicking tyres :-p

I only start to feel any nerves at about date three I think. Then I feel insecure if I like them.

I've been rejected outright a few times , and about 80% I've just known after the first date that although I liked them I couldn't imagine sleeping with them or having them in my life. So been on both ends of the pitch there.

You're right DevolopingDetritus. I cannot let my ego be the boss of me. If things work out well with this guy I'm dating now I'll have to introduce him reminding myself that I do not need other people to be impressed by the man who has chosen me. OMG. My ego is bull shit.

I also live on the other side of the world from my family and that is the loneliest part of my life really.

Half the time when people talk about women " having it all" what they really mean is economic independence. Career mainly equals work rather that surgeon or architect. You know - work to pay for life. House - somewhere to live, how excessive! Should we aspire to homelessness so we don't appear to be too greedy and undeserving of love and a family.

Having it all is doublespeak for not having a man pay the way, and make the rules. It's s media invention to pile more crap on women.

Going to school, perhaps uni, getting a job, not wanting to get PG too young and have a life economically dependent on a man is hardly having it all.

yeah fgs, the kids thing. What's worse IMO is, Man in his 50's still undecided if he wants kids or not , sorry, I'm not going out with someone who can't make a major decision like that, how the heck are they going to be able to pick something off the menu

When you say "smart" do you mean their appearance or intellect? I'm first to admit my spelling/grammar isn't the best but some of these guys seem to be illiterate, I don't think it's through something like Dyslexia either.

I thought "having it all" was a family and a career.

I meant, clever!

With the men of 50 who are undecided about having kids, I guess they don't want to say anything which would make young women rule them out, but it makes the women who might actually consider them rule them out. I can't be the only one rolling their eyes at men of 50 hoping a 35 year old will take them on. If you get wo messages (from two men), all things being equal, you're not going to choose the one basically admits in his profile that he's still looking over your shoulder half hoping for a woman young enough to have a baby! Don't waste 20 seconds typing out a reply to that guy.

I can't be the only one rolling their eyes at men of 50 hoping a 35 year old will take them on. my eyes are definitely rolling .
In fact the other day I saw one of around 60, saying his age range would go as low as 35, I mean, who the heck does he think he is Mick Jagger

I know! all it does is put off women their own age who might consider them. Very good of that guy to stop at 35 huh! So ''realistic'' of him

Never get the men who advertise for such younger models as it were. I mean it just looks pathetic to be honest.

Everyone is different and a number of my single friends are still looking for that spark on the first date or two or even on the messages when OLD. I never bought the idea as people to grow on each other as the get to know each other. DP and I look a bit of an odd couple (different backgrounds, education, belief systems etc) to be honest but we are more in love now than the day we married. We grow and adapt and intertwine ourselves. There was no spark. No this is the one! for each of us. It was slow and leisurely but it is fantastic.

It's painful...I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and yes...I have the personality I'm told, a great social life, happy in my own company but something will always be missing deep inside if I don't find the love of a good man. People often forget what it's like to be single especially at a certain age...yes I too treat dates like a night out now but it's something I'd rather not be doing at this age. My friends in LTR/married have no clue...comments like I'd love to be dating now....really? Fucking really? I don't fucking think so!
Good Luck to us all and may we find what we're searching for x
There's no preparation in life that you may end up alone...I never thought that would be me...I just assumed I'd settle down.
Those couples that are happy...how would they feel if they were in our shoes..trying to get through each day with a hole in your heart...I know it sounds extreme but ultimately that's how I feel. I put on a brave face everyday and get through the day alone...come home alone to silence...no I love you ...no plans for holidays or a future together...just me fading into the background and crying inside but trying to stay strong because that is what is expected...to get on with life..it's bloody hard!
Thanks for the thread OP

I'm doing the OLD ATM, to find someone to add to my life, not to make me complete though, whether I find someone or not, I'll still feel that I'm whole.

Yes, me too. As I said, I've been single for years at a time and quite happy with that. It would just be nice to meet someone and I can't work out why it's so difficult!!

CheersMedea - thanks for your comments. Agree with you about many marriages being unhappy - my parents' is awful: abusive, violent, destructive. Am watching my best friend go through a terrible break up right now. Two other close friends were in emotionally and physically abusive marriages.

But there are some good ones. I feel like I'd just like the chance to experience one of those...

Agree with you as well re luck. And about me having done things I wouldn't have done if I'd had a partner or kids. I spent six years working incredibly hard and achieved my lifelong ambition last year as a result. I'm really proud of that. Life isn't empty or awful - and wanting someone to hug at night doesn't take away from my achievement

scottishdiem - your story is lovely. I'd love to meet someone like that and have a relationship grow. If only!

sugarlost: for you. I'm so sorry you feel so despondent. No advice (obviously - I need some myself!) but lots of sympathy x

Life isn't empty or awful - and wanting someone to hug at night doesn't take away from my achievement smile

So true.