There isn't someone for everyone, is there? :(

[BovarysOvaries]

I read a comment on another thread on here that said something like "for every awful man there are five nice ones" - and I just thought "where the hell are they??"

I read your descriptions of what a relationship should be like (which I agree with, btw!) and which seem as achievable for me as walking on the moon.

I'm 43 years old - never married, no kids, never lived with anyone. I've had dates and flings and sex and 'things' that have lasted a few months, but nothing more.

I've tried OLD, meetup groups, classes, courses, meeting people through friends. I've tried being single and focusing on me and 'letting it happen'. There have been periods - long periods - where I've been fine with being single, but I'm beginning to feel like I'll never have a relationship. That there's something terribly wrong with me.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt - I'd just like to have a shot at the love and support and comfort that some of you describe so eloquently.

I have an interesting job, friends, hobbies. I'm busy. I just feel like there's a gaping hole in my life because I go home at night and close the door and I'm lonely.

I've NC for this because being so honest is painful and I feel a bit pathetic writing it all out.

So as not to dripfeed - I was emotionally abused growing up, and have had counselling for that for years. I've also been on meds for depression and anxiety (also with EA at the root) for around 15 years.

Any advice?

My Mother was an exceptionally beautiful and glamorous creature who had been in showbiz and a model. She has five daughters, two of us ended up modelling and tasting that peculiar and quite toxic world. She literally ran a finishing school for us five girls.

Her advice was thus
Always earn your own money
Never worry about a man being unfaithful, if they are going to they will, being a jealous woman is the biggest turn off.
Know a lot about many subjects, be fascinating
Always be slim
Make them feel as if they are lucky you will even speak to them.

She even taught us how to walk and sit well.

She is basically saying be hard to get and be a bit difficult don't be too nice they will take advantage. I do find there is a bit of a culture of women having to be nice.

It's worked for us girls we haven't always ended up with the right man and I suppose this thread is more about where are the nice ones but we have attracted a lot of men and it's never been an issue getting dates. You then just need to filter correctly. I don't think there are many nice men in the word, I do believe women are much nicer than men. Maybe they like my sisters and me because we are like them.

I do worry when people are looking for 'the one', as if there is someone out there who is perfect for them. I doubt whether there is anyone perfect for anyone else. Expectations might be too high.

There might be plenty of 'pretty good' potential DH or DWs out there, but it's all about compromise.

I met DH in my 30s having kissed a lot of frogs. He wasn't what I thought my type was at all. Our politics were quite different though we did have some shared interests. But he was and is a warm and caring person and we have fun together.

I love him massively more now than I did when we married. There are things that we get annoyed with each other about but that is outweighed by the good stuff.

Did I have doubts when we first got married? Hell yes! He wasn't perfect and we had some clashes. But we've grown together and it's the best thing we did.

So yes, why not 'settle'? You might find a far better fit than you think.

mittens Your post was really interesting and I think there's a fair bit of truth in what your mum said. My mum always said the opposite and that I shouldn't be knowledgable or independent because men don't like that in a woman; that men need to feel they are "in charge".

So it's an interesting difference and pretty much what I'm bringing my daughter up with.

However, I do think that being models probably has more to do with you and the women in your family having no shortage of dates (at least first ones) than anything else.

Borders I'm not sure that there is a simple dichotomy of "The One" and "settling".

I don't believe in "The One" because that approach suggests that there is just one person who is right for you. Which is nonsense. There are many people who could be right for you, I think, given the right time and place and committment to making it work.

I don't think that that is the same as settling. Settling is making compromises beyond those you are happy with and 'making do' with someone who doesn't tick enough of your boxes on balance out of a fear of being alone.

I don't think that is the same as accepting and understanding that no one is perfect.

I don't have huge expectations, I don't ever think anyone is 'perfect' (although I do think that, on balance, someone can be 'perfect for you')

I would never settle and I wouldn't want someone to settle for me. I rather be on my own than that.

I don't see a belief that there is not just one 'one' as settling either.

There could be many many people you could be happy with. Everybody offers something different. Everybody lacks something you'd like. Years ago I would have thought going for a man an inch taller than me was settling. Now I think that a man who doesn't make me laugh and prioritise me and want the same thing I want at the same time as settling. We all still ahve our deal breakers though.

BovarysOvarys and cheermedea I know, there's no advice beyond ''love yourself" !!

I do, and that's why I'm walking away from the guy with the low self-esteem, the guy who snapped at me, the guy who never wants to go out, the guy who is boring, the guy who doesn't want to like put a laybel onnit.
When you do love yourself, there's a lot of walking away to do. Nobody to walk towards though.

Good advice Mitten I also think if you don't want to meet men who hang out at pubs with their mates don't go to the local to socialise. If you like fit, healthy men start cycling, running or join a walking group. Do what interests you that also interests men. The type of single men that you want to meet will be spending their leisure time doing what they enjoy. What you might also find is you are enjoying life while you are busy doing what makes you happy.

Mittens
an exceptionally beautiful and glamorous creature

Bit of an odd way to describe your mother - "a creature"!!!
It's a bit 1950s Leslie Phillips sexist shit isn't it?

Her advice is interesting though. This particularly:

Always be slim

I wonder how important this is and what it means.

Does it mean literally "be slim" (ie. if you aren't slender bodytype and low weight give up now) or does it mean "don't be overweight for your bodytype" (so curvy but not fat is OK too)?

Also I wonder how much this matters in the overall scheme of things. Of course being physically attractive means you get more offers, but actually how important is it to be slim?

I've always thought the biggest determinator in attracting men is sexual confidence. Generally women have more of this when they feel better about themselves - which tends (not always) but tends to coincide with when they are their lowest weight/most in shape for them.

Whenever I was properly "fighting fit" I always had a lot of male attention, but (I'll have to have a think) but I'm pretty sure I never started any of my serious relationships when I was at my most buff. I tended to attract more arseholely type play boys when I looked most hot if I remember rightly. It maybe that the serious relationship men are put off...

Interesting... I will have to think about this some more... be interested in others views on the importance of weight.

I've always been slim but I've been single for the greater part of the last two decades. All around me I see much heavier women with a partner.

Beer, without a whole lot of other things (including luck), slim has nothing to do with it, IMHO.

I've always thought the biggest determinator in attracting men is sexual confidence.

That wasn't my experience, tbh.

I'm not a skinny minny, I was at the top end of normal bmi, so I was a bit curvy and felt quite sexy.

My experience was that men expressed surprise that i wasn't crippled with self doubt and were not actually all that impressed with my confidence.

So I decided all this men like confident women malarky was nonsense.

I'm in my 40s and here are some of my thoughts about what was keeping me single, following 18 months of internet dating.

1. how comfortable you are with intimacy? ie child hood wounds and attachment styles; do you know what dynamic you're drawn to and why? Is it healthy? (I had to work on this one, really, really work on it - fell down a rabbit hole)
2. how many people are you meeting/ are you trying to meet people?
3. do you see potential partners through your own lens first and foremost or through friends'/family's lens, that is, are you looking for validation or are you self-conscious about a partner reflecting well or badly on you (i'm a bit guilty of this)
4. are you needy or independent or, put another way, do you NEED or want a relationship? How good are you at meeting the needs that a relationship would meet?
5. and yes, how fussy you are, consciously or unconsciously are you hanging out for 'the best you can get' or are you going to go for some quirk, some eccentricity ... Do you know what 'league' you're in?! (I feel I do but I would say that wouldn't I. I always thought that the men who rejected me were delusional! )
6. how good are you at identifying and sticking to your OWN agenda? and how good are you at walking away quickly when it's not right or somebody likes you but doesn't want exactly the same thing?

SimonSmithsDancingBear

My experience was that men expressed surprise that i wasn't crippled with self doubt and were not actually all that impressed with my confidence.

So I decided all this men like confident women malarky was nonsense.

Maybe I didn't express myself well. I didn't mean confidence in a "being self confident look at me" type way, I meant being internally confidence about how you look - sexual confidence if you like.

For example, if a woman is feeling a bit fat FOR HER (whether she is fat or not) she will tend to be feeling under confident, dress in a more hiding/don't look at me/baggy clothes/black way and metaphorically tend to turn away from people. Whereas if a woman is feeling confident about herself, she is more likely to dress in a more stylish, form fitting, attractive way and metaphorically turn towards people.

Turn away/towards people - an example is flirting. A hot guy smiles at you or tries to make a joke in the coffee shop line, if you are down on yourself you will just dismiss it or not engage. If you are feeling more upbeat and confident, you are more likely to flirt.

I don't think I've still described it very well but what I am talking about is a very subtle shift in how you feel about yourself, internal self confidence.

And often this can be weight related - the better you feel about yourself (which is psychological) the best self you project to the world.

Oh no I understood you. That's the confidence I meant. i wasn't overly confident, more comfortable in my own skin and not apologetic of my size 12 hourglass figure.

They didn't like it.

I used creature as a word because she is like no other woman I have ever met. It wasn't meant to be a sexist term I use creature to describe people of either gender that are very much one of a kind.

I don't think there is a good man out there for every woman who deserves one.
Talking to my mother, who is 71 and widowed she basically said that there is a shortage of men! And not just at her age.
My ex is 46, and a fat bald selfish git. I honestly worried for him that when we split he would never find anyone else. But he has a new girlfriend who is 36 and stunning. All my friends are amazed. Things must be bad on the dating market frankly for someone like her to take up with him.

I'm wondering if I will ever love again... I definitely settled, looking back. However I'm now overweight by quite a margin, im.convinced it's wrecking my chances at dating. I mean, who would have me? Yes I'm funny kind, erudite, thoughtful etc; but that's not what people see is it?

I feel so cross with myself for not being better. My husband (ex) gas-lighted me, stonewalled me, rejected me physically, had me walking on eggshells.

I know that my viewpoint is insidious and probably comes out of my pores its so.concentrated....but I feel powerless to flick the switch. To open myself to opportunities, to believe enough in me.

I said right at the start of this thread that i was just about to end a 3 month long thing with someone because he was lovely, kind, compassionate but that he wasn't sufficiently interested.

I didn't get chance to, he's not contacted me since Friday and now it's over.

I'm not even considering it anymore. I haven't got the capacity, mental or emotional, for any of this.

I'm not what men are looking for.

Simon 🍫🍩 for you.

Me too. Except I don't have as much going for me as you do! I'm a single parent of nearly 33. Fat, limited mobility. Awfully ugly. I have a sweating problem that takes over my life. Causing me to be unable to wear make up or wear my hair down. So I go around looking as rough as you could imagine. With people probably thinking I'm an alcoholic with my face dripping wet. (Doctors can't do anything about it).
I know I'm never going to meet anyone who can possibly love me with/for all of the above. So I just have to accept it and try and get on with my life. And try not to regret the lost chances. I know I'm lucky to have my daughter. (Just a shame she doesn't have her Daddy around but hey, that's a whoooooole other thread entirely!)
You are lucky to have all the other aspects other your life. Don't wish your life away.... x

Thanks, Koala.

I think the worst thing is that I don't even feel particularly upset, more just sad and resigned to it.

Morning All.

Simon sorry to hear that. Ghosting after three months is pretty appalling behaviour from him though.

Beer found your post pretty interesting. I definitely fall short on no. 2. I'm not putting much effort into meeting someone. Not many opportunities in real life, no one at work and any hobbies I do are much younger or much older men. Nearly at the point that I feel OLD doesn't work for me. On and off it for a number of years and think men are like Christ she is back again, what's wrong with her.

I definitely have worked on no. 6 in the last while. Will and have walked away when it's not what I want rather than hanging around for breadcrumbs.

My friends are up to their eyeballs with small kids so don't have lots of free time. I do have hobbies and happy with my own company but sometimes the weekends can feel a bit lonely when you don't have someone to do things with. I'd like to meet someone but don't need someone.

Jesus it's tough out there for people of all ages.

hownow I called him out on it this morning. Just said I didn't have him down as the sort of person who'd do that.

He replied immediately. Gave no real explanation (well beyond platitudes and something that amounted to me not being good enough) but acknowledged it was wrong of him to not say anything.

NotaSnowflake I heard that botox can be used to stop sweating.
Apparently the stars have it done to avoid sweating on the red carpet. Might be worth looking in to.

I'm a man and it is true that it is difficult when you get to a certain age. Many of my colleagues and friends are divorced and readily admit that OLD is like kid in a sweetshop for them and they indulge in a lot of tasting! A lot of men at that age are also happy to spend lots of time with mates at the pub/sport/golf trips/with their now adult kids and only have a day or two a week spare so don't want that full on relationship. A lot basically just want regular sex and the odd night out.

They have all managed to blag dates with extremely attractive women when they are anything but. I think that's also a key difference, Men do not have the same confidence issues as women. Men in their 50's who are at the top of their game career wise think that they should be able to attract a 35 year old women. They almost have a sense of entitlement. They can't see any reason why not. They also do not see themselves in a bad light from a looks point of view. I've had never heard a man say "I'm too fat" "I'm bald so will never get anyone" "who would want to date a 55 year old when they can have a 35 year old"

I think it's tough for women both in relationships and outside as men are at their best for me when we are younger and full of life/plans/ambition and hopes and dreams. Many men in their 50's and older can be quite miserable I find.