There isn't someone for everyone, is there? :(

[BovarysOvaries]

I read a comment on another thread on here that said something like "for every awful man there are five nice ones" - and I just thought "where the hell are they??"

I read your descriptions of what a relationship should be like (which I agree with, btw!) and which seem as achievable for me as walking on the moon.

I'm 43 years old - never married, no kids, never lived with anyone. I've had dates and flings and sex and 'things' that have lasted a few months, but nothing more.

I've tried OLD, meetup groups, classes, courses, meeting people through friends. I've tried being single and focusing on me and 'letting it happen'. There have been periods - long periods - where I've been fine with being single, but I'm beginning to feel like I'll never have a relationship. That there's something terribly wrong with me.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt - I'd just like to have a shot at the love and support and comfort that some of you describe so eloquently.

I have an interesting job, friends, hobbies. I'm busy. I just feel like there's a gaping hole in my life because I go home at night and close the door and I'm lonely.

I've NC for this because being so honest is painful and I feel a bit pathetic writing it all out.

So as not to dripfeed - I was emotionally abused growing up, and have had counselling for that for years. I've also been on meds for depression and anxiety (also with EA at the root) for around 15 years.

Any advice?

No I dont think there is. I have one wonderful social very attractive female friend that has never found a partner for long. Ive never understood it. But cant change it for her. And shes now in her sixties where as womenwithoutasong says its harder than ever to meet anyone.

And have met some unpleasant unattractive people over the years that are partnered long term

Theres nowt as strange as folk

I think you are wise to have not settled as I suspect many people do.

I feel the pool of men who are secure, emotionally open and available is low since those characteristics mean that they are able to make relationships work, so are not single.

My ex will be back in the dating pool, and women will think they have met the man of their dreams, until he is secure in the relationship and then becomes a nightmare.
I think women are seeking men who are able to have equal relationships but a significant proportion of men have not grown up with this expectation so we have a major mismatch.
Definitely better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

Tipsy I'd agree with you on that. It's almost portrayed that you are lesser if you are single. I definitely get a vibe now and again that my friends feels a bit sorry for me. Can certainly say it is unnecessary. I wouldn't trade my lazy Saturday mornings reading in bed for being woken at 6am by three kids.

I am attending a good friend's wedding in two weeks. The only single person out of 200+ guests. Another friend told me it will be fine as they'll all look after me. Tad condescending.

Like Kungfu I have some friends who have settled. Only married a few years and papering over the cracks already. As my mother says it's better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard. I'm just not settling for anyone. The older I get the more I learn about what I want and don't want.

Think dating over 30 is hard. I'm 37 and guys seem to think that all I want is to settle down and have a few babies. The seem to miss the fact that not just anyone will do. In my brief forays into OD I have been contacted by a lot of men 50+ who say they feel really young and age is just a number. Yet have little or no interest in dating women their own age. Go figure.

I know and believe that if I don't meet someone I will still have a lovely, happy and fulfilled life.

I don't know whether there's someone for everyone. Like you I'm an abuse survivor. In my teens and twenties I was just desperate to get a man and keep a man. At any cost. And I'm not even particularly attracted to most men. Because my bar was so low it wasn't hard for me to find an abusive relationship and 'make it work'. You don't even want to know what that was like.

Now I'm older, more emotionally fragility because of the knocks I've taken, but crucially my standards are much, much higher. And I've been single for a few years. I haven't met anyone who has been even 70% right for me in that time. And I won't settle. Suspect you're the same. If we lowered our standards we'd find relationships, but they wouldn't make us happy.

No there isn't a man for every Woman. The slimmer and prettier you are the better the opportunity. Oh and how willing you are to not stand up for yourself or be ghe opposite.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and honest responses. You all sound really bloody lovely.

Two things particularly resonated for me:

"I have no idea what it is like to be loved or cherished by anyone. I've never felt safe. I've given up on the idea of meeting someone now. I feel heavy hearted and sad and lonely."

I feel exactly the same. Heavy-hearted sums it up perfectly. Even if we don't get the 40-year happy marriage and the 2.4 kids, it just seems so sodding UNFAIR to have never known this feeling.

I don't think I do actually feel 'less' for being single. More than a good LTR is something I'd like to experience and I don't know how to make it happen.

And this:

"I feel the pool of men who are secure, emotionally open and available is low since those characteristics mean that they are able to make relationships work, so are not single."

Why is the same not true for women? Or is it? Are men more willing to settle for the sake of a marriage or kids? Do they look for different traits?

No there isn't a man for every Woman. The slimmer and prettier you are the better the opportunity. Oh and how willing you are to not stand up for yourself or be the opposite

Absolutely spot on! I have been told I'm "too" strong/independent (I think that means I stand up for myself) and "too" big (I'm a size 12/14).

Thing is, my mum always told me no one would ever want me because I'm independent, intelligent, opinionated, and not docile or compliant enough. It would seem she was right.

Bovarys Men are more willing to settle largely because they believe they still occupy the position of authority. Wife doesn't like what you do? Tough, do it anyway. They have generally been conditioned to believe that they are right and we have generally been conditioned to be compliant and not rock the boat.

They look for someone who is young, slim, pretty and failing, or in addition to that, will smile and say, "ok darling".

I am so sorry that you feel heavy hearted. I look at the stars, as I always have even as a child in a crazy family who didn't learn how to love. Death took 3 lovers and, while it was a hard road not to become bitter, I finally learned that while a genuine hug in RL from a man might be wonderful, it is a dream for another life. A brief attempt at online dating confirmed that the pool of sincere men who "know themselves" and are decent souls weren't to be found in that way.

It took all the loss, starting with a dysfunctional family and then blow after blow, to realise that I could not get from another what the sky gives me. What/who I am in myself.

I rescue animals (of course) and in turn they have rescued me. Feeling unloved is the pits. I know that I am loved but it doesn't fit into the everyday perception of being so. Perhaps I'm a hippie that-never-was but I know deep inside that the sky looks back at me and smiles. I wish you could feel that instead of the despair that nudges at your inner life.

weren't to be found for/by me that should say. I know other people do cross paths with their beloved ... just sharing (unusually for me) what is intended only as some small comfort.

Op, what do you think has caused the ending to your dates and flings and things?

I think some people are just more prepared to make something stick, even when they know it makes them uncomfortable or they don't feel a great connection with the other person, because they cling to needing a relationship.

Where flings naturally come to a close due to lack of compatibility or different attitudes, some people will choose to ignore those brain signals that are telling us to let this pass and instead feel they must pin this person down. I don't think in reality people are so ruthless and calculated about it, but we are brought up with a fear of being alone, that being single is a failing, spinsterhood is the worst reality possible. So when he eats his food with his mouth open on those dates, and when he gets blind drunk and stays out until the early hours of the morning, or he shares some old fashioned views about child rearing, there are many women who are picking up on all of this and accepting it, as it's their preferred option over the fear of being on the shelf.

(I should add at this point that I do believe in true love, finding compatibility and a meeting of minds with a fellow great human being, lots of lovely kind men to be had etc.)

OP we have similarities BUT a key difference is I genuinely couldn't care less about having a partner. It's almost as if I'd rather opt out than take a risk.

The reality of reduced fertility on the other hand hit me very hard

Kung: I guess it's been a combination of things.

• perfectly nice blokes, no chemistry whatsoever. Tried a few dates but just couldn't imagine kissing them

• they realised (or perhaps always knew ) they didn't want a relationship, just something casual

• the two longest relationships I had, they ghosted me. Both just vanished.

• incompatibility after weeks / months. Mutual realisation we were too different - different values, long-term plans etc.

• dates where we had nothing to talk about

I'm found my people!! I think you are right OP - there isn't someone for everyone, and I'm kind of mad this myth gets perpetuated.

I am mostly happy, not sad. I did have 2 kids though which I think keeps me sane & busy so distracted. Their Dad was an abusive arse.

I've always wanted a loving wonderful relationship, but been terrified of them, or maybe terrified of not having one Emotionally dysfunctional upbringing [tick], I'm headstrong, have opinions and independent [tick], done all the therapy etc [tick], suffered from low self esteem but sorted that out [tick].

I actually get on very well with men, some even fancy me. But to find a man who isn't sexist, where we fancy each other, and both want to have a relationship (oh and who doesn't turn our to be abusive and a wanna be control freak) - well that seems to be impossible.

I have seen friends really badly settle at a certain age, to get that man, and diminish themselves massively. I would rather be single than do that. And I am. I almost lost myself for a couple of years, but I got out.

I've learnt to become emotionally self reliant. I'm not sad at all about it anymore but maybe this is because I'm now approaching 50.

I don't feel like "I'm getting old no one will want me". I feel like I love my life, my family, my job, my interests. I wake up happy and go to bed happy. I've moved on in my mind. I know there are lots of lovely men out there - I'm friends with many. But there is a massive shortage on non-sexist, single guys who fancy me - its not me!!!!

I'm now thinking of myself as a "political lesbian". I've never really fancied women which is a shame as there are plenty of great single women around. Mind you I don't know if I'd find a girlfriend either. So maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really a happier better me not being in a relationship.

The main way I feel this is a disadvantage, is financially. The world is set up for couples on the money side of things and that sucks. But I try not to dwell on that.

If an amazing person and a loving relationship somehow found me, I'd not be closed to the opportunity or experience, but honestly I don't expect it to happen, especially at my age with 2 young children. And I'm damn well not waiting for it to happen either!

I'm not sad at all about it anymore but maybe this is because I'm now approaching 50.

See that sentence terrifies me!

My husband left when I was 37. My marriage was over in every meaningful sense before the wedding really. It took us 2 years to consumate the marriage and I don't think it happened again. There was no love and little friendship really. We were just good co-parents who lived together.

I entered my newly single life positive and full of hope. I had a bit of an overhaul. I gained in confidence, I sorted out my appearance, I dressed better... Some men seemed to find me attractive, but I found the same as you, Bovarys.

I was a real hit with the married men, though

I think that on paper, I look like a good enough catch. But I don't feel like the reality matches up. Nobody wants me.

The thought of living the rest of my life never being held, or kissed, or loved is utterly heartbreaking.

Why is the same not true for women? Or is it? Are men more willing to settle for the sake of a marriage or kids? Do they look for different traits

I think it's the way men are socialised and brought up.I have brothers and saw how my mum instilled values, such as communication, compassion and ensuring they knew connection to others was more important than material success. I assumed it was the same for most men but life has shown me that these values are not universally taught.Women generally are stronger in connection and communication so we have a headstart.

For me, I think part of it is that I can go years without meeting very many new people. If I broadened my horizons I suppose the odds might start to shift.

The thought of living the rest of my life never being held, or kissed, or loved is utterly heartbreaking.
Yes, I can relate to this. It's so sad isn't it? I am going out for a meal tonight with 2 friends and I will have a fantastic time but I will come home to an empty house. I'm approaching 55, it seems that only idiots/twats/abusive arseholes want to have a relationship with me.

Ok end of self pity party :)

Loving BeMorePanda's post ... just had to say

I think I got bloody lucky.

I was single the vast majority of my life, save a couple of shortish relationships with utter wankers that I'm glad happened if for no other reason that they showed me what life with a wanker would be like, and to run the other direction as fast as possible.

I was so used to being the single friend amongst a bunch of couples. I liked my own company for the most part, though every now and again the fact of it would just smack me right between the eyes and I'd end up crying on a friend or family member. I'd never had a long term relationship with anybody, felt lonely and a freak, and eventually by 34 basically just thought 'fuck it' and had resigned myself to being single for the long run. I remember my parents used to bug me for years about when I was going to meet somebody until they realised the pressure just made me feel contrary and stopped asking me.

I'd started saving up for a proper house deposit on my own as I realised that nobody else was going to be helping me; I was living in another country for several years, and when I knew I'd be moving back to the UK I sent out a general invite to the friends I'd stayed in touch with over Skype to come stay with me if they wanted to visit as I had sofa beds to sleep up to 7 folks and limited time left in that country.

My DH was the only friend that took me up on the offer.

I wasn't looking for anything at the time, even. I didn't know what he looked like or sounded like - we'd played an online game together for years but I'd never met him as he lived halfway across the world, but had moved in the years between the time we'd played together to the time I was making the offer of a visit, and was a relatively convenient distance away when I made my offer. I knew friends who had met him and who would have warned me if he'd been a psycho at least so was OK having him come stay.

I wasn't expecting him, I'll say that - and I ended up reassessing what I thought was attractive in a fella. He's 9 years younger than I am, a LOT taller (and I'm a tall girl) and has a proper belly on him, which would usually have put me off (to my shame. I remember introducing him to my family and pleading Dad not to greet him as 'hello you fat bastard' as Dad will never fail to tell me when he thinks I've been putting on excess pounds). He got lost on the way to my apartment. He brought presents. We talked for HOURS about games and anime. He was the perfect gentleman.

It was easy with him in a way it's never been with anybody else in my life, in the way people tell me it's supposed to be easy. It's been a struggle with every other relationship I've ever had and I've always been relieved when they've left for the day so I could be on my own. It wasn't like that with him - I missed him when he left.

It's definitely not all been perfect. He's untidy and lazy (and so am I so our house is a tip a fair portion of the time, but it seems to bother me more than him); he's shitty with money (understatement) but I can't imagine life without him. He makes me smile - and he'll be a great dad to the baby we're expecting in August. I never believed I'd ever be a mum only a few years ago - and I know others in my workplace in the same spot.

We come from the other side of the world from each other. I can never quite believe he happened (or that he's happy with an old lady like me) - but I'm glad he did.

There might not be somebody for everybody. I know friends who have stayed single for so long; ladies I've worked with who desperately wanted children but it never happened, others still looking for a partner and trying everything in the book. I was one of them and was utterly convinced I'd be single forever.

You really never know. Hug to all the lonely ladies out there - I was there for so long. xx

Yeah I'm a hit with married men too ...

I think perhaps I feel this 'loneliness' because I don't really have a family. I don't have kids and don't see that happening now because of my age. Because of the childhood EA, I'm very LC with my parents and certainly couldn't rely on them or confide in them, or even ask them for a hug.

I have a brother who I adore, but he's in Australia with a girlfriend and child of his own. I know he loves me but it's not like I can meet him for a pint and have a chat at short notice. We do Skype but it requires organisation because of the time difference. Plus his life's so different to mine.

Maybe what I'm looking for is a sense of family. Someone to come home to. To share the washing up with. To cook for. To kiss goodnight. For me I'd like that to be a DP and a couple of cats. Maybe even stepchildren.

Doesn't seem like much to ask for, does it?

I don't think that there is somebody for everybody. I do think that most people can find someone to be happy with if they are flexible, honest and outgoing people.

I do see that people with difficult childhoods have more trouble finding someone. I don't know if they are more critical because they are clear on ehat they do NOT want or something else.

I know of a lot of bad marriages. So having somebody doesn't equal being happy.

Also, all marriages end, even if they are succesful, one of the partners will eventually die leaving the other alone.

I think it is more important to focus on the happy times in your relationships then obsessing over "the one". Nothing is forever so you might be just doing fine!

Congratulations on your pregnancy kavanaughkj!

I hope we all get a happy ending - whether that's partners, babies, friends, being at peace with single life, travel, work etc.

Might get flamed for some of the stuff I say here, but since I'm ill with man flu and not likely to last the night, I think I will survive

On the subject of where the "nice" men are...

I'm dating at the moment... I'm 48, and I set my age range from 40 through to 55, though honestly, I just want someone in that age range who is as immature and laughs at life as much as I do. I am finding an enormous number of women in their early to mid 40's that still list themselves as wanting children. I've had two already with exW, and they're growing up now and I'm enjoying them for the young adults they're becoming, but also because they no longer depend on me in the same way.

Why would I want to change that and date a woman who still has the thought of having children in her mid 40's ? Honestly, I nearly did for my last partner. I was happy to throw all my plans to retire @ 55 out of the window and have a kid with her because I loved her so much and I knew how much she wanted it, but the thought was still terrifying...

Don't get me wrong there are lots of women in the same boat as me, kids and no desire for more particularly, but I would say where I am ( around London ) it's the minority.

Are we paying the price for the desire for women to have it all ? Career, husband, children, house etc... ? Are women finding that actually there are decisions that need taking earlier ? It seems that way to me in this respect. My ex is almost 42. She finds herself wanting to meet a guy who will be the match she wants and also father children. The odds of that get smaller with every passing year simply because of biology.

There are plenty of people out there in the "dating pool" but maybe what we get as we get older is a much better idea of what we want and will accept. Because we're older, we tend to look at the future rather than the present and imagine what it will be like "living with this person" before we have actually spent the time trying to find out by going out on dates etc... Add in a significant proportion of people around their 40's who have come out of long relationships and do not actually want a long term relationship at that point but want to go out and enjoy life, have fun and maybe even sleep around and the pool of those available for our specific requirements might become smaller still.

OP, no words of advice, just empathy. Society is changing and many of us might well be single in the latter part of our lives... Over time this might become more normalised, but it doesn't stop it hurting when all you want is someone to be with...

RLD

No I don't think there is someone for everyone either. I was married for a long time to a not very nice man who treated me badly and cheated and as a result I have lost faith in relationships. The other men I know who are spouses or boyfriends of my friends all seem to be self centred and often cheaters too.

I so identify with the never having felt safe or loved.

RLD

I think you might have a point... I don't want any more children. I have one doing A Levels and one in year 6. By September, my life will look very different without the restrictions of primary school and I'll only have one dependent child. I certainly don't want to start all over again!

I also want someone who can be as daft and immature as me, someone I can laugh so much with that we are in pain; someone I can go to festivals with; someone who isn't obsessed with "stuff"; someone who is still open to new experiences and I don't mean things like bungee jumping and sky diving! Just anything, whether it's being willing to go to a classical music concert or an open mic night, or to grow vegetables when they haven't tried it before, or be willing to go to a vegetarian restaurant even though they're a confirmed meat eater... just someone who's willing to step outside their own comfort zone and can lead me out of mine.

Bovarys your situation sounds very similar to mine. I do have children, but I rarely see my brother and I'm NC with my remaining parent. No aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents.

And no, it doesn't seem too much to ask for.