Had enough, how do I get ducks in a row?

[MusicIsMedicine]

I need to leave.

Please help me to do so safely.

What are the steps I need to take?

That side is being dealt with currently.

How do I stop him and his mother trying to get full custody and painting me as unfit or whatever dirty tactics they are capable of pulling? Even if he didn't do it, I believe she could try as she thinks she can do as she pleases with no regard for the child.

Could she apply for custody? Is there an age limit on grandparents applying or being awarded custody?

I want to be ready and prepared in case they try anything once he has a place to live that isn't with his single male friends.

In the UK grandparents have no legal rights unless they've been extraordinarily involved with the child's life, like living with or providing daily care, iyswim. I think that for her to petition for custody for herself she would have to prove that both you and her son are unfit parents. I'd say the likelihood is that she will help him petition.

You can't really stop them from 'trying'. They do have the legal right. Honestly, the best way to be prepared is to seek legal advice right now. You need to find out if denying access now will have a negative effect on custody later. You need to tell the solicitor that you have concerns that the father will not return the child to you if you let him have unsupervised access.

If you have to beg, borrow, or steal try to get an appointment with a solicitor. Call WA and see if they have a list of low/no cost solicitors. I think I've heard someone mention the Gingerbread Trust as an organization for single parents?

But remember that it takes quite a lot for a parent to be declared 'unfit'. Courts and SS routinely find parents 'fit' who have filthy homes, send their children to school in dirty clothes, and feed their children crap. They've even returned children to drug users. You don't do any of that. You have a tidy home, baby is clean and well fed. You take care of yourself both physically and mentally. No one is going to find you 'unfit'.

Please don't defend yourself against his accusations, other than to shrug, roll your eyes, and say 'Whatever' or 'Consider the source'. Don't allow yourself to become angry or upset. You won't convince anyone who is on their side and you won't need to convince anyone already on yours. Just live your life.

I do think, however, that you can probably expect that ex and his mother will probably be making a complaint to SS that you are 'not coping' or that the baby is 'in danger'. Remember that SS has to investigate these things. Just be polite and cooperative if that happens.

I think grandparents can petition jointly with a parent in the UK. I would prefer not to have to get into a battle though with them "trying" as I have been through more than enough stress and illness.

I am not looking at stopping contact, just putting it on a supervised footing and no overnight stays away from me or him having contact and then his mother ending up being the one that's alone with my baby. Neither of them follow any of the routines I have in place or carry out feeding in the way that baby needs. Neither of them could get any milk into her when they were both here as they always leave her to go past the early hunger cues and wait until she's screaming for food and too distressed to feed properly.

I am the only person that can manage her feeding and do it early enough to keep her ticking over and not going to that point. They really don't understand how to feed her the way I do and I don't want her constantly getting to that distressed stage.

I would stop contact only if it became necessary or his mother was ending up with unsupervised contact and him going out.

Ss already got in touch after the police were involved as they get an automatic referral. They said that they have no concerns whatsoever about me but wondered if he was having unsupervised contact and did I need any support.

I can't believe that about the fitness stuff, I thought they could just remove a child if he said I have mobility issues or implied I have mental health issues or "can't cope".

If anything happened to him, could his mother get residency? She is 70.

Thanks for the advice and the kind words.

If SS have no concerns, why are you worried about your DD being removed from you?

Supervised contact between feeds is fine: not in your house, though: how about a park or cafe?

Reading this for the first time with concern OP.

Are you OK tonight?

I am worried, because I do not trust him or his family not to make up a pack of lies about me, because they are not the kind of people that put a child first and they have housing issues because of not making proper provisions for retirement - his mother was already trying to move into my home by bullying me and suggesting that my child went to live with her, simply because I had to go into hospital for a few days here and there, conveniently ignoring the fact that child also has a father, her son!! because she knew she'd get housed and benefits. She's been unable to get her housing issues sorted out for years because she can't live with anyone else and wants to live alone but can't afford to because of financial mismanagement through many years and no one will put up with her in her family to live with her. She was trying to get me to go back to work when I was seriously ill in pregnancy to get a mortgage with my ex so there was another room for her to move into!!

She is not daft and will stop at nothing to further her own agendas.

helpmesusan thank you. I am just getting through one day at a time.

Music read acrossthepond's post again.

You and your dc will be fine but you need to keep a cool head and get some legal advice.

Honestly you are projecting way ahead of the reality here and it can't be doing you any good my lovely xxx

You are getting some good advice here. I hope you also have support in real life x

Do not let him into your house, he has no rights. Why on earth do you let him hang round using your facilities? Please talk to Woman's Aid and get a solicitor. Contact could be through a contact centre only, particularly if he is threatening any kind of violence towards you. There's no way his mother will get custody, relax.

He hung up tonight and said I will be hearing from his solicitor.

That's fine. Now get your own.

I think that, in the end, you'll probably be better off with court orders regarding access and residency. You won't have to worry about him keeping your DC and you'll have structured access. No more him just showing up or announcing his intentions. He'll have to abide by the order as well.

I am a grandparent carer awarded what was then residency through the courts. I am not telling you this to scare you as I did not want to take the children, simply if I did not take them they would have gone into care. Most grandparent carers are not plotting to take grandchildren believe me, it is very difficult circumstances which bring this about and I was vetted, along with my dh, to SG level by childrens' services.

I think you are becoming too tied up in worrying about what his mother will or will not do. She has no say in the matter at all. She absolutely cannot take your child from you. Before she can make an application to the court, she would need the court's permission to make an application as strange as that sounds. During which hearing she would have to show good cause. Why on earth could she possibly take your child from you - your child has two parents willing to bring her up.

Take my word for it, spreading rumours about your capabilities as a mother will not wash with any court. However, your ex will get contact unless there is a real risk to your dd. The father of one of my gc's got contact even though he was violent and had numerous convictions prior to the case and also clocked up two more after (abh and gbh). It is only if this violence is directed at the child. However, in our case contact became supervised again.

Let him apply to the court for contact. Let him pay the fee. Your voice will be heard. Fwiw, I think you would be better with a schedule of contact so that he cannot turn up unannounced at your home.

Do please remember though that supervised contact (through the courts) does lead to unsupervised contact. This is why you need to take legal advice and do try to get a first free appointment. You could wait until you receive a letter (and it is just that, not an order) from his solicitor and then go in with that.

Hi,

I'm glad you've left him. I think I recall your crazy MIL wanting to be mum, but I didn't realise your fiancé was an abuser.

I think you should move and try and arrange supervised access at a contact centre for him to see his DD.

You probably need to evidence his negligence and abusive behaviour, as well as the threats he's made to you (like I'll rape you and break your legs).

Some people hide a side of themselves and with a mother like his, it's no surprise. Any half decent mother would tell her son he was bang out of order for hitting his wife.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I do like the strong and decisive side of you. You know your worth and won't tolerate crap. You'll be a great role model for your DD.

Elsie MC, thank you.

Sandy he wasn't abusive until recently.

Set up that surveillance camera to record him when he
comes banging on your door and threatening you.

Have you got any friends around you, OP, find out if there's a
parent support group or toddler type group so you can bounce
off other mums. You sound isolated, I say this kindly, we can dwell on things and get bogged down with things that might happen rather
than the here and now.
Famous words from, I think, Joan Collins - 'what others think of us
is none of our business.' Try to ignore the gossip, OP, I expect there's
just as many compliments about your parenting skills but you don't
hear about them.

Meant to say for his visitations can't you meet him in a shopping centre
a park or cafe - somewhere busy where he's less likely to be abusive?
Somewhere away from where you live.