Had enough, how do I get ducks in a row?

[MusicIsMedicine]

I need to leave.

Please help me to do so safely.

What are the steps I need to take?

Well done (((hugs)))

Of course you are! You've made a life-changing decision. And change is scary, even good change. And this change is definitely good. There's also fear of the unknown. But remember as each new day may bring challenges, it also brings peace and calm. Peace and calm inside your home because he is no longer there to shout, nor to frighten and abuse. And peace in knowing that when you lock the door, he is on the outside.

And remember, too, that being upset is natural. What you thought would last a lifetime is not. But what you're grieving is the loss of the dream of what you imagined your life to be, not the loss of the man himself.

So take a little time, have a little (or big) cry. It's OK, it's normal. Then dry those pretty eyes, lift that pretty chin and look your future square in the face. But be sure you put your sunglasses on, because 'your future's so bright you gotta wear shades'.

Thanks for the support ladies.

Well, it's been a while since I posted. I'm a single mum now and no regrets.

He tried to blame me for his abusive and aggressive behaviour. He also tried to claim that adding ex slags he's been shagging to his social media account was OK and I should be fine with it and I have a trust issue.

Damn right I have! I don't trust my so called fiancee when he thinks it is OK to behave like this.

He told me there was no exes around when I met him and all along he has a slapper that he was shagging before me, still on the back burner.

Yet I'm the issue!!! This is OK apparently to treat the woman wearing his ring and who carried his child this way.

Deluded prick.

Game over. No lives left.

Unsurprisingly, his rotten family haven't even sent as much as a text to see how I am, or their grandchild.

Rotten to the core, all of them.

Music I am honestly relieved to hear that news. I have often wondered what happened. Being a single parent is way easier than being in an abusive relationship surrounded by toxic assholes.

Well done for being strong and doing the right thing for you and your dc.

If you ever need more support, the lone parents thread is good and also feel free to PM me.

I truly hope you have found some peace.

Make sure you limit contact as much as possible so you can heal from this shit storm.

Xxxx

I'm so glad you got away. Only upward from here!

Limit conversation to only the minimum needed to deal with child access. Conversations of 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' are pointless.

Well he's now started turning up here unannounced "to see our child" and staying overnight in her room.

He has not paid a penny in maintenance and turns up with a big bag of washing and puts on the machine at 9pm at night, eats my food from the fridge and freezer and tries to defend his previous conduct including sneakily adding an ex to his social media whilst engaged to me!!

He's treating my home as a hotel and kipping at his mates the rest of the time. He's on supervised contact ie me there because that's all that's left for my child's safety as he ignores basic childcare information and can't be trusted to have the baby on his own.

His parents are defending both him and his brothers domestic violence and aggression saying that it is the woman pushing them to it. Nut bags.

Not one of his lousy family have contacted me since the split to see how I, or their grandchild are.

How do I regain control of this, my home, the maintenance, contact etc? I have put up with it for my child to see dad however seriously considering moving away from all of them especially defending aggression - rotten family.

Serious question. Why are you letting him in? You had the locks changed, yes?

When he shows up, you simply say through the door the first time it happens that you are not letting him in and that in future he needs to call first to see when it is convenient. If it happens again, simply ignore him. If he makes a scene, call the police.

You do NOT have to let him in, unless you've been told differently by a solicitor, WA, a judge, or the police. If you have been advised that you must admit him by competent authority then you need to see a solicitor ASAP about getting a court order for access that specifies when and where he is to see your child. If you intend to allow him in to see the child, then you need to have it specified as to when he must leave. But I think you need to start arranging for access to take place elsewhere so he doesn't get a chance to 'park' himself. A play centre, park, contact centre.

You will never be rid of him if you allow him to control your life like this.

1. you fix visitation times and enforce them
2. you are separated and he is not allowed to sleep over or use your house for anything other than visiting the dc
3. get off social media and stop looking at his profile and what he is doing. Get rid
4. stop caring about what his family do or don't do, they are toxic assholes so don't berate them and then moan about them not being in contact (you can't have it both ways)
5. go through CMS and let them sort out the maintenance

You need to start being factual about everything. X

I've tried all that.

He is then going around telling people lies about me.

I am not on his social media, this is from before, he is still defending his behaviour.

He is making comments if the dishes are not done or other housework even though I am here on my own with a baby with no family with health issues. What a cunt.

I am of the mind to find a new home and relocate to the other end of the country where there is far more work for me and get a childminder to help and be out of this nasty place I hate living in.

When he's here he plonks her on her mat and surfs his phone and ignores her oh except to take photos for his social media or puts her into her cot when not even sleepy so he can laze around watching his shit films.

I am reaching the stage where I don't think a single one of him and his family are suitable to be anywhere near a child.

I've tried all that.

So, you have not opened the door to him then? If so, how is he getting in the house?

As far as him saying lies about you, I know it's hard, but you have to learn to just not give a fuck. He would tell the same lies if you lived in a spotless mansion and had a full time cleaner and nanny. YOU know that you are a good mother. His family and his friends are shit anyways, so who cares what they think?

I am of the mind to find a new home and relocate to the other end of the country where there is far more work for me

I think this is an excellent idea! If you do decide to do this, do it before there are any formal court orders issued. Right now you can go and do whatever you want since you both have equal rights to the child. But once the courts get involved they often issue orders about moving the child. This happened to a friend of mine. She moved eventually, because her ex 'disappeared' but when he was in the picture he refused to let her move to another state (where she had family) and she didn't have the money to fight it out in court.

If you are seriously thinking about it, start investigating. But do NOT tell him that you are thinking of moving.

I also want to change my daughter's surname to mine. I should never have let these bastards overpower me during my long illness.

How do I go about changing a child's surname to mine, under 1 years old.

That I can't help you with, as I'm not in the UK. But this seems to indicate that you can't do it unless he agrees;

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

Really think you need to sort the bigger picture first. What he says or thinks about you does not matter. I wouldn't let him in. Get yourself some breathing space and then move if you want to. You deserve a fresh start

He doesn't currently have parental responsibility.

The next time he turns up uninvited, I am not being intimidated and he is not coming in.

Remember, he has smashed his way in before.

There is a very dark and dangerous side to this man that he kept well hidden.

This is a key reason I am considering moving very far away from him.

Very good point about the breathing space. That's exactly what I need.

It sounds as if he doesn't have PR you can change your DDs name. But I'd see a solicitor to be sure.

If you are concerned about him becoming violent, then you call the police the minute he shows up. You tell them that he has been violent before and you are afraid he will be again when you tell him to go away.

Yes call the police when he shows up/starts smashing things up. You need to get this logged.

I've been thinking about your moving. I know his family is very 'involved' in this whole mess. You do need to consider the likelihood of them/him going to court if you relocate. Are they the type to put their money where their mouths are and file for residency or fight to have DD with him for long periods of time? BFF's ex wouldn't have had the money to engage in a long distance court battle to try to force her to move back to CA from TX.

I agree that, especially if you are thinking of relocating, you need to start building a body of evidence of his/his parent's abusive behaviour. Start a notebook/diary and write down everything they say and do that crosses the line into insulting, abusive, intimidating, or threatening behaviour and report threats and intimidation to the police, every single time. If you see the derogatory FB crap, screen shot it. If people tell you he said 'such and such' write it down or ask them if they'd be willing to give you a written statement. Include dates, times, places.

As far as child maintenance goes, if you are wanting to relocate it's probably better that he isn't paying. It's simply more proof that his child's welfare is NOT his priority. Obviously if he's not paying because he's not working it's a different story. But if he works and doesn't pay, use that fact to your advantage.

Finally, I know you've said that your family is not involved, but if you feel that he/his family might go down the 'legal route' if you move, it looks better if you relocate to an area where you have some type of ready-made support. Give it some thought to see if there is anywhere like that for you, even if it's a friend or distant relative in the area.

Agree with everything Across says. Start getting everything logged and on record. All this will help you get control of the situation and protect your dc.

Have WA given you any more advice ? How much notice do you have to give landlord ? Can you just up and move ?

Still single and sticking to my guns.

I have heard that he is going around telling people he doesn't think I can cope alone.

I strongly suspect that his toxic mother is pushing buttons and trying to influence him to go for full custody (she has nothing in her life and has tried to take over with my baby before and was shown the door).

If he gets a house near me, can I refuse to give him unsupervised contact? I have concerns around him and his mother and I do not want them having my baby there on their own or overnight. I know he will go off out with his mates and she will be on her own with my child, who has met her twice in almost a year and doesn't know who she is and what I saw from her made me deeply uncomfortable and that she is not a well person or fit or able to be looking after a baby. She was also saying nasty things to my child in front of me and he did nothing... I dread to think what poison they would be pouring into my baby's ear given half a chance.

He hasn't the means to go to court but she would get herself involved and possibly give him the money. She is defending both him and her other son who hits his partner saying she is "asking for it." Completely wired wrong upstairs.

How do I kill this "she can't cope alone" nonsense? My home is clean and tidy and my baby is content, happy and healthy and well cared for... God knows why this is never enough for people like him and his toxic mother who just want to find anything they can use against me.

Music you kill it by ignoring it. If it's said to your face laugh and do the "whatever"

You have to stop worrying about what other people think and stop letting this maniac into your home.

If he turns up don't answer the door, and if he starts bashing on it you call the police.

I think it's a great idea to move far far away.......