Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Had enough, how do I get ducks in a row?

94 replies

MusicIsMedicine · 02/03/2017 22:13

I need to leave.

Please help me to do so safely.

What are the steps I need to take?

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 14:28

Thank you so much to everyone that's helping and giving advice and support. I can do this.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/03/2017 14:29

Gosh music I really do applaud your bravery but please don't try and stand your ground. These things escalate and quickly.

When can you leave? Can you find a short tenancy somewhere whilst you work out your long term plans?

Stay strong and calm. Keep talking if it's helpful. We are all routing for you xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2017 14:34

If you're concerned for your safety then you need to move as quickly as you can whilst still remaining 'stealth'.

Start a diary. Write down every instance of aggression and any threats. It's not legal evidence, but a solicitor and/or the police will find it helpful if you end up going down a legal route. Keep the diary in a locked file on your phone/computer or hide any paper diary.

Get a final 'decision' on whether or not you can legally lock him out. A solicitor, the police, or WA can give you that information. If you can, call a few locksmiths for an estimate on re-keying your locks (as opposed to completely replacing them) and ask them how soon they can get to your place to do so once you give them a call.

If you are told you cannot legally lock him out, you need to make a decision as to whether or not it's worth it trying to get him to leave voluntarily or if you and DD need to just give it up and leave yourselves. If you're in social housing, call whoever is in charge of such things (again I'm in the US) and ask them if there is some type of priority rule that would allow you (as a mother with a child) to keep the property over a single man with no child.

But remember that in the end, it's only 'bricks and sticks' and that there are other places to live.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2017 14:47

x post with you, OP.

For right now, set the 'bad mummy' stuff to the side. You know that you are a good mum. Your HV and GP know this, too. Chances are even his FB 'audience' knows that you do the lion's share.

Now that you realize that he's been isolating you, stop and think, is there even one person he's isolated you from that you feel may be open to your call to reconnect? Is there anyone from 'before' that you can remember raising concerns about him or even commented to you that you seemed to be 'drifting away' from them or your other friends? If so, reach out. Not necessarily to ask them for help, but just to start reconnecting. Remember that you have nothing to lose by calling. If they want to reconnect, you've gain a source of support. If they don't you're no worse off than you were before you called. Do you do any mummy/child groups? Is there anyone there you feel you could connect with? Again, not just for help, but just to get you out 'into the world' and to begin to form a circle of friends.

Time to take that deep breath and begin to move forward.

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 14:49

I found out he had re-added a FWB back to his social media recently. I didn't know she was a FWB as he lied about this, but some messages gave him away.

When I confronted him about why he was adding her back on and said that was unacceptable as is the lying, I said why have you added someone back on that you were sleeping with before me.

Guess what the glib prick said. "Why not."

We had an argument about it and then I fell into an exhausted sleep.

When I woke up, he was still asleep. I sent him a message and said "why not" is because you are supposed to be in a relationship with me and I expect to be treated properly and you are making a mug of me and it is not continuing. Either remove your ex from your account or remove me, pack your bags and get out. I am not being treated this way.

He knew I was deadly serious. The arsehole then deleted her without saying a word or any form of apology.

I then found out from more checks that he was back viewing her profile the next day.

A few more checks and I find out she lives five minutes away!!

I now suspect that all this time he has been late home from work and "going cycling" that he's been seeing her on the side.

I saw some of her old messages to him about her having split up other couples and she's one of those callous psychos that isn't one bit bothered for the partners or children in the families that she has split up. She has a criminal record and has been in prison. Comes across as a total screwball in the messages.

And all this time me and my baby have been living five minutes away from her!!!

I couldn't find any recent messages. Is there a way that messages on fb can be deleted or undeleted?

He has also changed all his passwords and put a new lock code on his phone.

I just want out now and I think leaving is going to be the safest option and going somewhere far away where he can't find me.

I want him out of our lives and given what happened the last time I left the baby with him for only a short time, I do not trust him as a father either now.

I also found out that anytime I have gone out shopping or to do anything, he is putting on violent films and letting my baby sit with him watching them. Then when he is fed up with her, plonking her into her cot on her own in the daytime even when wide awake. I think this is neglectful and I think he is a devious, sly, manipulative twat that has played it craftily to the outside world that he's a doting dad, when the reality is the opposite.

I should have expected nothing less after seeing the pathologically stone cold mil and her complete lack of maternal behaviour towards her own kids and grandchildren.

What a fool I have been, but they keep up a good pretence and I have been so ill health wise for so long that I couldn't focus on anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 14:51

He was making "jokes" a few nights ago about raping me and breaking my legs. I think they were veiled threats.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 13/03/2017 14:58

Are you able to contact Womens Aid, OP? The time when you leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous. His "jokes" sound very threatening. I think you should consider that this man will hurt you if he thinks you are escaping. WA can help you make a plan to get out safely.

jeaux90 · 13/03/2017 14:59

Ok Music. You need to leave.
Your last few posts tell you this is really escalating.

Are you almost ready? You have a plan?

Xxx

Libitina · 13/03/2017 14:59

I think you need to ring Womens Aid or the police and get immediate help. You may be at personal risk if he is threatening you with violence.

0808 2000 247

or 999

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 15:06

Acrossthepond - cannot thank you enough for the advice about him possibly trying to get residency or refusing to bring baby back if given contact unsupervised.

I do believe he and his family would be entirely capable of such a stunt and he is so deluded that he would convince himself and others that he has some sort of self appointed moral high ground.

His mother has previously tried to suggest my baby going to live with her "for six months" while my health was recovering from an extremely difficult pregnancy. She knows that she'd get housing if she had residency and that is her only motive in trying to take my child away from me. She was trying to move into my home during her last visit because she has no proper housing provisions in place since splitting up her own marriage. She is also very devious and dangerous and only pretends to have any interest when there is something in it for her.

Excusing one of her sons hitting his wife and blaming the wife and saying she is asking for it, just says it all.

They hid all this behaviour whilst I was pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 15:07

Can Women's Aid still help me to flee even if he hasn't done anything yet?

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 15:08

I'm going to get my health visitor out ASAP and tell her everything.

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 13/03/2017 15:13

We’re so sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now, although our MNers are (obviously) amazing, we'd advise seeking all the real life help you can too.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you soon. Flowers

jeaux90 · 13/03/2017 15:14

Music do not get drawn into any debate or communications with his family. You know how vile they are. As much as I am sure you would love to give them a piece of your mind the safest thing for you to do is leave and go no contact with all of them.

Yes you should report his threatening behaviour.

I can't express to you the peace you will find when you are out of there. I still remember how I felt opening the door to my own place after leaving 6 years ago.

Don't debate this with yourself any longer, leave safely but soon xxx

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 13/03/2017 15:15

I will ring women's aid now. He is out.

OP posts:
xStefx · 13/03/2017 15:23

Please ring them OP, get away from him don't worry about the house, you and your baby are more important.

don't ever worry about what he makes out you are or aren't to social services, they have huge experience dealing with narcs and domestic violence so don't worry if he or his weird mum say they will fight for custody.

notahugepearlclutcher · 13/03/2017 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2017 16:42

I'm glad you're calling WA. Remember that they can be very busy, so don't give up if you don't get through.

You mention moving far away. I'm not saying don't do it, but remember that most of us are easily traceable and unless you move to another country, it's likely that he will be able to find you if he really wants to. I'm not sure how it would look to the courts if he files papers and alleges you moved to keep the child away from 'a caring father'. Where I am it's not looked on favorably, that's why I mention it. BUT if there is some official record of this threats against you that could be in your favour. So consider calling the police if he makes a direct threat against you. Even if he denies it, you should have a police report showing that you called. It can also lead to referrals for help from domestic violence groups or sources.

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/03/2017 11:01

I've thrown him out.

I've called a locksmith.

I need a hug!

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 16/03/2017 11:11

Take a deep breath. Roll your shoulders back.

Well done. Massive step forward. You are super strong.

Well done! Big hug. I know it might seem like the end of the world. It's not. It's a new beginning

Xxx

OpalIridescence · 16/03/2017 11:15

Hugs to you.
I really admire you, take deep breaths, take your time, take very good care of yourself xxx

Poorlybabysickday · 16/03/2017 11:42

Hope you're OK Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 16/03/2017 12:45

You did it ! Wonderful. Now sit down and breathe. Breathe some more.

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/03/2017 17:02

I'm feeling so panicky and upset.

OP posts:
shimmybear · 16/03/2017 18:36

Always remember u have done the right thing for u and ur baby. Winecheers to the start of ur new happy life