WWYD re wedding

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Probably more of a WWYD, but posting for quick traffic...

In a nutshell, dh's brother is getting married later this year. We have never met his fiance. The family is pretty spread out over the globe, but he has booked it for when his other brother (and family) are visiting there. The rest of the family live there already, so we are the only ones needing to travel.
Issues:
DH often works away and cannot yet say whether he will be available at that time (neither can I ever book a family hol in advance apart from Xmas).

He will likely have no annual leave available, but can 'buy' a few days leave if necessary.
One economy return ticket is priced around 900pounds on average at present, I imagine it will be more expensive if booked closer to the time, unless a last minute deal?
The kids will be at school, so would necessitate taking time off if we all went.

We very recently moved house, mortgage is expensive, and have little savings. Still getting used to the smaller monthly budget.
We would have to pay for accommodation at the venue.

I feel like a bit of a bitch and am reluctant to mention it again because of the reception I got, but I feel that although it would be lovely to attend, it is soo expensive for just a few days hol, most of which would be taken up by the wedding. Due to having to take days off school and paying for dh to take days off work we wouldn't be able to make a decent holiday of it. We had planned to go at a later date during the school holidays when we can have a few weeks to relax and make the long haul and expense more bearable. I'm also a bit reluctant to spend a big chunk of our savings and dh's leave if he goes alone, as it will mean our planned family hol will need to be put on hold for a bit.
DH is getting a bit of pressure to attend from his parents, but they (despite having the money) have not offered to help out in any way.
I can understand dh would like to be at his brother's wedding, but I honestly don't think it would make much difference to his brother (who he saw maybe once or twice a year when we lived in the same country, didn't phone) and bearing in mind the expense/timing/etc it feels like it isn't the best decision for our family as a whole. I didn't get to attend my sister's wedding either, (as I was pregnant at the time and couldn't fly) and it wasn't a big deal....

Any thoughts?

I didn't start this thread to argue about my/his down time, neither do I begrudge him it while away, if that's what you are trying to suggest?

But this is exactly what you are saying- you are saying any time he isn't working should be spent with you and the kids? So are you saying he can only have time for himself when away working?!

hmmokay yes, being able to 'buy' extra leave had never been mentioned to me before that point either. Prior to that I'd always had to ask how many days leave were available for use, nothing else mentioned.
He hasn't definitely said he can get that time off yet - I assume he's waiting until he knows if he's available and at that point will book a ticket then. As he's left it hanging rather than given a definite no, I think he's planning on going if at all possible. As he should be free to do apparently

whatthe don't be ridiculous, of course I didn't say that. The issue here is the money and the wedding. You are the one insinuating I don't want him to have any free time.
Lucky you, being able to work full-time. I had to give up my time consuming, professional career because it was extremely difficult with him being away and having no help. Do you think I haven't tried to find something else to fit in and still actually be earning after child care? Moving with his job hasn't made that easier either.
As to getting a babysitter and going out - I literally have no friends here yet, and tbh, am sick of going out (to the cinema, etc) by myself!

OP, then you have to make a change.

He won't. Everything is set up to ensure that he has the career he wants, his children are always taken care of by you, and he always gets to spend first out of the family money. He has zero incentive to change - everything is entirely set up for his benefit.

If he is away for large periods of time then it doesn't matter so much where you live does it? Can you move back to where you have more support or there are more job opportunities?

It's not lucky, I just make it work because staying home doesn't work for me. My childcare bill is horrendous, I probably have about £300 left but it's worth it to me, I down work for the money, I work for me.
If staying home does work for you, that's cool, but if it doesn't, even if working uses all your pay on childcare, you'll be no worse off than you are now.

I clearly misunderstood your comments re your "little family" then; as I interpreted this as you wanting him to use leave for this, not for anything else.

If you don't want to go to tesco cinema etc by yourself, maybe go to a night class or something? gym? you might meet some friends and then you can get out more and have some "you" time?

tesco?! the! Bloody autocorrect 😂

I don't see the issue as being he doesn't see his brother very often/he's not close. But when families do live spread out/in different countries, there are so very few chances for them to all come together that it's kind of important to make the effort when they come up - like this wedding.

It is possible that this may be the last chance your DH & his siblings and parents all get to gather together (not being morbid but having had a friend drop dead without warning recently life feels extra precious). Or maybe there are 5 moments in their lives left - who knows? The point is, it really is worth making the effort when these chances arise.

If you all can't go - and I completely understand why this is - then I do think your DH should make the effort to attend for a few days and be with his family. If he decides not to go, in his situation i would be feeling dreadful when the time comes and all his family are together bar him.

If you think about one of your DC at some point in the future not making the effort to come together for a siblings wedding and rare opportunity to gather the family all together, how would you feel?

SO WWID? I would support my P in working out how to attend the wedding.

panda if, as a dm, I felt it so important for all the family to get together, I would have encouraged the kids getting married to consider times which would be suitable for everyone. I'm not saying I do expect this, but as a family, we have the greatest distance (and expense) to travel, and were planning on going over at another time anyway. Which now will not happen because dh will be obliged to spend the money without the rest of us being able to go. I do get that it isn't about me in the slightest, it's completely up to them what they do, but it does feel slightly that the kids and I are not seen as much a part of the family as the other extended family members are. I do understand I may BU in this, however FIL hasn't liked me from the start and has said some pretty harsh (untrue) things in the past, with the support of MIL, so I may be more sensitive due to this.

hmmokay yes, it does matter where we live because we still need to be within commuting distance of his work when he is home based. We recently did move closer to my family support, unfortunately, due to the subsequent changes in his job he will be away from home more often as a result.
whatthe can I ask what field of work you are in? My previous was a professional position which required evening (sometimes weekend) work, which I found unsustainable with kids and everything else while oh was away for long periods. I don't want to go back to that, but consequently have no experience /skills in a more child friendly position.

I don't think DM's get to choose their son's wedding dates though - can you imagine the uproar on MN if they did!

If he wants to go then he should.
My Brother flew over from NZ for my wedding. The rest of his family stayed at home but were part of the service via skype video and the kids wore bridesmaid outfits and page boy outfits. It meant a lot to me that he came over

If your family get a holiday every year then it will not do any harm to miss it once.

panda, yup, that would be a lot of fuel for the MIL threads .
On reflection, esp after reading some replies on here, I think the thing that I am 'bothered/feel slightly sad'' about most is that even with the money/leave/timing/fact me and kids can't go, OH's default position is to jump and toddle off...leaving us here, putting the breaks on a hol for us to the same place for the rest of the year, when many other pp have said that they or their dh didn't actually want to go if they all couldn't. I know IABU there. The family is not what I would describe as close, but I take the point about getting together for the occasion.

user we don't get to visit every year. We haven't been for two years, and this will put it back (for the rest of us) for another year.

FFS! How many times can I namechange fail on the same thread? Shoot me now.

Am I right in thinking OP you have an other thread running about your DH having an ea 20 years ago that you've only just found out about?
Apologies if it's not you and your namechanges have me being confused.

I'm afraid so thunder

it sounds like you have lots going on in your relationship at the moment OP (avoiding name ref on purpose )

Your resentment is a culmination of years of his 'me first' attitude and therefore can't be viewed through the isolated incident lens, that you've tried and resent us for looking through.

You feel him not going to his brother's wedding, would be compensation for putting up with his ability to detach from family life for considerable periods and he doesn't. So you do the dance of him not talking and you being pissed off until it becomes a fait accompli, whereupon you add it the ever growing list of 'things he does where it's all about him'.

This is what happens time and time again when you hitch your wagon to a man who prioritises himself, he prioritises himself. You can't change him, either accept him and figure out a way of working within the confines of his attitude or get out because all the handwringing in the world, won't turn him into a selfless man. This is who he is, there is no parallel universe where he's different.

Be pissed off but at some point you're going to have to ask yourself why do I put up with it because putting up with it, is a choice.

I think Isetan's post above makes a lot of sense.

isetan...I resent you for looking through the isolated event? Erm, no I don't. I totally get how IABU, the idea of explaining it as an isolated event was to see if others would think the same way if they didn't have the same background to inform it. And it looks like a split opinion, tbh.
You may be correct about the resentment. I've put a lot into this relationship, which seems to have been one sided from the start, looking back on some of his decisions. It is only more recently that we, as a family, have done things which are more to my and kids benefit, but to hear him speak, he's sacrificed loads, and his misdemeanours are in the past, caused by immaturity. Still doesn't help me feel any better about him wanting to sleep around or leave, no matter how long ago it was. The past informs the future, so I have been told.
panda not the only stuff going on. There's another name change or two in there going back to when it kicked off, ten months ago