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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD re wedding

95 replies

prioritymail · 02/03/2017 11:22

Probably more of a WWYD, but posting for quick traffic...

In a nutshell, dh's brother is getting married later this year. We have never met his fiance. The family is pretty spread out over the globe, but he has booked it for when his other brother (and family) are visiting there. The rest of the family live there already, so we are the only ones needing to travel.
Issues:
DH often works away and cannot yet say whether he will be available at that time (neither can I ever book a family hol in advance apart from Xmas).

He will likely have no annual leave available, but can 'buy' a few days leave if necessary.
One economy return ticket is priced around 900pounds on average at present, I imagine it will be more expensive if booked closer to the time, unless a last minute deal?
The kids will be at school, so would necessitate taking time off if we all went.

We very recently moved house, mortgage is expensive, and have little savings. Still getting used to the smaller monthly budget.
We would have to pay for accommodation at the venue.

I feel like a bit of a bitch and am reluctant to mention it again because of the reception I got, but I feel that although it would be lovely to attend, it is soo expensive for just a few days hol, most of which would be taken up by the wedding. Due to having to take days off school and paying for dh to take days off work we wouldn't be able to make a decent holiday of it. We had planned to go at a later date during the school holidays when we can have a few weeks to relax and make the long haul and expense more bearable. I'm also a bit reluctant to spend a big chunk of our savings and dh's leave if he goes alone, as it will mean our planned family hol will need to be put on hold for a bit.
DH is getting a bit of pressure to attend from his parents, but they (despite having the money) have not offered to help out in any way.
I can understand dh would like to be at his brother's wedding, but I honestly don't think it would make much difference to his brother (who he saw maybe once or twice a year when we lived in the same country, didn't phone) and bearing in mind the expense/timing/etc it feels like it isn't the best decision for our family as a whole. I didn't get to attend my sister's wedding either, (as I was pregnant at the time and couldn't fly) and it wasn't a big deal....

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2017 08:00

In your shoes, I definitely wouldn't go and I wouldn't take the kids out of school so they could. It's going to cost far too much for you all to go. But I wouldn't be pissy about DH going on his own if he wanted to.

Tell you what though, your dislike of and resentment towards your husband is coming off the screen in waves. In particular, you seem to be struggling to forgive him for not being sufficiently upset that you couldn't attend your sister's wedding. Do you think, deep down, that he can atone for this by being made to miss his brother's?

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 08:03

crumbs I didn't say he was away 9 months every year. Even if the ship is not deployed, it doesn't mean it's home port is nearest us, they also do trials etc, which put together mean being away through the week and some weekends. It was also the case when he had a 'desk job' - worked away every week, and some weekends. Also, higher ranks/depending on the job don't always get away early at the end of the week, as a lot of them do. The ships program is prone to last minute changes. Ask pretty much anyone with a spouse in the navy and they will probably tell you it's difficult to plan as a family. I'm not being 'disingenuous' at all.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 08:05

Agree it would be supportive to tell him to go alone if you can't all go as a family. He'll thank you in the long run. And hey maybe you'll have stored up some points too ! It's not ideal but seems fair

You don't get points or thanks from selfish men.

You are thinking that the kids and the money are 50% his and 50% hers. So if he gets 75% of the money and does 25% of looking after the kids , he will be grateful.

But men like this think that 100% of the money and his time is his. So if he spends 90% of spare cash on himself, he's being very generous letting his wife and kids have 10%. She is the one who should be giving him thanks and brownie points.

Ihatethedailymail1 · 03/03/2017 08:08

Why is it up to you to say anything? It's his brother and his family. Why do you have to reply. Any enquiries to you, say, you'll have to ask dh. I would keep well out of it and then you can't be blamed for anything.

redexpat · 03/03/2017 08:17

I dont think yabu at all. You all have to take a hit both financially and emotionally. If he's away a lot anyeay then its really really hard on family life. Kids need time with both parents and the dcs needs come first imo.

If PILs offered to pay would you go?

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 08:19

fetchez nope, you're completely wrong with your second paragraph. I /my sister were understandably sad that we wouldn't be at her wedding, but it wasn't made into a big deal, and I didn't blame dh for us not being there. He didn't care either way as far as I recall. I haven't thought about it in ages, so it's not like I'm wanting him to atone for it at all.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 03/03/2017 08:23

I understand how you feel, but I think this is one of those 'make the best of it' kind of situations. Perhaps your DP can go alone, and then you can all have a kind of staycation in the UK. Even if you don't actually go away, you can pretend to be tourists in your own place - go out every day to local places, and have takeaways in the evening, and maybe get cleaner in for the week so you have no work to do. So many of us don't actually visit the attractions that are close by!

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 08:30

Good idea shove. I do that with the kids when he's away anyway (although not the cleaner), will just have to see it as another occasion he's away and I've got the kids at home.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 03/03/2017 08:36

priority - I know a bit how you feel, because I've just heard that my DH will be away for an event I have been looking forward to for years. It's unavoidable work commitments, unfortunately. I know that I need to the right thing to do is to suck it up and make the best of it, but a childish part of me also feels it will be a bit of a struggle not to feel resentful about this when it comes to the time. But it's one of those things that can't be helped and I will just have to put on my big girl pants and be all determined not to let it get to me.

I think it's important that you feel you have had a break, so using some money for a treat for yourself that will give you time out is important. You matter too here, not just the kids.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2017 08:36

I'd also agree you can't force him not to go to his own brothers wedding. Allow him to go without argument , it's a one off. As for the fact they don't see each other often, I'd assume that was more due to distance and work and not because they don't like each other.

My husband is ex navy, yes it's difficult but he knew when he was scheduled to be away and when not and pretty much for any given year, Maybe yours does a different role where it's all last minute as we didn't encounter the issues you are.

Maybe he could apply for a different role? I know when we decided to have our daughter my husband transferred into a lecturing role for three years to permit him to be at home and work normal week day hours. You can't stay in those roles forever, you need to go back to sea, but they do provide some respite.

SoulAccount · 03/03/2017 08:45

He goes alone for the shortest wedding attendance, you all go on a cheaper holiday in the school hols.

Wallywobbles · 03/03/2017 08:54

Book your family holiday now and pay for it. With his agreement. Then what's left is for his trip.

Svalberg · 03/03/2017 09:00

My DSIS (that I was really close to) got married in the US & none of our family went, because we couldn't afford to.

I'd start squirrelling money away, if he did go, to pay for a hol for you & the DC when he's next not around.

Loopytiles · 03/03/2017 09:07

Sounds like the H would use family savings to pay for his trip, and "has form" for selfish spending/time decisions. Perhaps, if not already done, moving your fair share of the savings into your sole name might be a good idea!

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 09:12

I like your thinking svalberg.
Thanks for the comments esp from those who can identify and sympathise to some extent. I've never said he couldn't go, just said how much it will likely cost, and left it there. I doubt very much his parents would offer to pay. They wouldn't pay for all of us and there's still the issue of leave. Besides, I would resent paying all that money for a short holiday in which we wouldn't get to do anything we had planned, when we were planning to use the money more wisely on a longer holiday later when we had more time available

OP posts:

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 09:34

What's a 'fair share ' though loopy? His wage has always gone into a joint account, mine when I worked went into a separate one and was used for flights/holiday and kid entertaining while he was away. I don't have that separate money set aside now I'm a sahm. We spend as we need from the account, although he makes larger purchases (Mid-life motorcycle, laptops etc) I spend smaller amounts more frequently on me and the kids. Are you thinking it's a like for like situation so I have an equivalent amount to spend as I like?

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 03/03/2017 09:39

Don't Armed forces personnel get flight discounts anymore? Some airlines used to do very good 'granny flight' deals. Could be worth googling to see if you can cut the cost down.

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 09:45

Don't know felicity, I will have to check it out, thx. Although I'll be a bit peeved if they do, as we've been doing expensive long haul for years.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 09:51

Surely it would be fairer to split the money . So if you have kids of 13 ,7 and 5, and £4k to spend on a family holiday,

You get £1k
He gets £1k
Teeenager costs the same as an adult so £1k
Kids cost about half so £500 each

So he has the £1k to fly abroad to his brothers wedding and you and the kids have £3k to also go abroad.

Of course that doesn't get around the fact that your have to care for they kids alone yet again. But once he's home he can look after them alone for a week while you go off on a cheap break, like to visit your family.

However if you only have £2k to spend on a holiday, only a selfish bastard would jaunt off abroad spending 3/4 of the money on himself.

Maybe he could sell his motorcycle to fund it ? That's no sacrifice if he loves his brother that much .

Rafflesway · 03/03/2017 09:58

I agree completely with KR1stina!

I think your DH sounds very selfish and seems more concerned with the feelings of his birth family rather than those of you and his DC.

IMO, YADNBU OP! but would certainly re-evaluate what YOU actually benefit from this marriage as, to be frank, it doesn't sound great at all

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/03/2017 10:01

DP is RAF, goes away regularly too for months at a time. DC are 9, 19 months and 2 months- he is going to New Zealand in April for 3 weeks to attend his brothers wedding. It's cost him around 3k all together so far. Do I begrudge him it? Absolutely not!

I don't see his down time as being solely "family time ", he is a person in his own right, not just a dad and a partner. We both do plenty of stuff on our own without each other/the kids.

If you are resentful of him getting time to himself, you need to work on it because it totally unreasonable. I doubt you spend all your time sat at home doing nothing enjoyable whilst he is away

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 10:05

if only it were that straightforward kr1stina.
To have a week away myself he'd have to take time off work to get kids to and from school, so I'd be shooting myself in the foot as I'm already complaining about the lack of time we have for a family holiday. As a pp said, I think time together is a priority as he's often away. Maybe I'm just being a martyr

OP posts:

HmmOkay · 03/03/2017 10:11

I do think you need to look at the division of money as Kristina says. If you sit down and discuss what money is free after bills, then only a selfish git would decide that the majority of that money should go towards him only. And hell yes to the selling of the motorbike.

You missed your sister's wedding so it would be nice to do something with her at some stage, though maybe not this year. It would be nice to allocate a block of time and money to that, same as he is allocating a block of time and money to this wedding.

And if it is really so difficult to plan anything around his job, how come he is so confident that he can get the time off for this wedding? That suggests "not so difficult after all if it is something that he wants to do".

Original poster

prioritymail · 03/03/2017 10:13

whatthe no you're right. But I have the kids the whole time, so don't relax to the extent he does in his down time. Don't go out drinking, socialising and sightseeing. School hours are spent doing chores etc. Yes, I do sometimes have a nice coffee/shop, but still getting jobs done while clock watching to pick kids up. Well done to you if you haven't got tired of that yet.
I didn't start this thread to argue about my/his down time, neither do I begrudge him it while away, if that's what you are trying to suggest?

OP posts:

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/03/2017 10:19

Of course I get bored with it - why do you think I work full time despite my younger two being 20 months and 2 months old 😂

But don't be a martyr, get a babysitter and go out if you want to! There is no rules that says you have to clean all day and stsy in every night!

I always have a cleaner whilst he is away too, because I can't be arsed to spend my evenings or weekends cleaning/ironing. Can you do the same? Then you would be free to get a job/hobbie whilst they are at school.

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