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Original poster

WWYD re wedding

95 replies

prioritymail · 02/03/2017 11:22

Probably more of a WWYD, but posting for quick traffic...

In a nutshell, dh's brother is getting married later this year. We have never met his fiance. The family is pretty spread out over the globe, but he has booked it for when his other brother (and family) are visiting there. The rest of the family live there already, so we are the only ones needing to travel.
Issues:
DH often works away and cannot yet say whether he will be available at that time (neither can I ever book a family hol in advance apart from Xmas).

He will likely have no annual leave available, but can 'buy' a few days leave if necessary.
One economy return ticket is priced around 900pounds on average at present, I imagine it will be more expensive if booked closer to the time, unless a last minute deal?
The kids will be at school, so would necessitate taking time off if we all went.

We very recently moved house, mortgage is expensive, and have little savings. Still getting used to the smaller monthly budget.
We would have to pay for accommodation at the venue.

I feel like a bit of a bitch and am reluctant to mention it again because of the reception I got, but I feel that although it would be lovely to attend, it is soo expensive for just a few days hol, most of which would be taken up by the wedding. Due to having to take days off school and paying for dh to take days off work we wouldn't be able to make a decent holiday of it. We had planned to go at a later date during the school holidays when we can have a few weeks to relax and make the long haul and expense more bearable. I'm also a bit reluctant to spend a big chunk of our savings and dh's leave if he goes alone, as it will mean our planned family hol will need to be put on hold for a bit.
DH is getting a bit of pressure to attend from his parents, but they (despite having the money) have not offered to help out in any way.
I can understand dh would like to be at his brother's wedding, but I honestly don't think it would make much difference to his brother (who he saw maybe once or twice a year when we lived in the same country, didn't phone) and bearing in mind the expense/timing/etc it feels like it isn't the best decision for our family as a whole. I didn't get to attend my sister's wedding either, (as I was pregnant at the time and couldn't fly) and it wasn't a big deal....

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/03/2017 13:46

I can't help feeling it's a bit selfish on his behalf because I see that amount of money as something our family should benefit from, not just him on a flying visit. (I'm a bitch.)

Yeah tbh, you're not sounding great.

It's his brother's wedding OP, not him going off on some adventure.

FritzDonovan · 02/03/2017 13:46

adora we've known for maybe 2 months now. The money is there ( tho not that much more), it's more the issue that it IS such a large amount, spent purely on one occasion to which we all cannot attend.
hmm, no to another family hol. Part of the problem is dh's job means he's away a lot and can't plan ahead. Also affects what leave he will have available for us to do something in, and makes it difficult for me to get away. Not that I have anyone I could go with. My problem is I feel our little family and time together should be a priority, which I don't get the same feeling for from dh. Tho that's a whole different thread, now that I've namechange failed!

FritzDonovan · 02/03/2017 13:49

Thanks adora, I get it. Tho if he's talking about catching up with old friends while there that does make it a bit more of an 'adventure'. Me and the kids have ppl we would like to catch up with too, of course that would have to wait another year.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2017 14:36

You are absolutely not a bitch Fritz and kittymamma has good advice about making sure he's making up the shortfall and you're not all losing out. He'll still be using his leave but if he can pay for it then he can deal with that as well.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2017 17:54

If your DH wants to attend, then I think he should go alone. You'll have many other opportunities for a family holiday, and but hopefully this will be the only wedding his brother has.

My BIL got married in the Caribbean and none of us went. My DH didn't want to go without me and the DC, although I encouraged him to go alone. He said he wouldn't enjoy it so much without us.

I can't imagine anything not allowing me to be at my siblings wedding, but we're closer than most families.

beav

NapQueen · 02/03/2017 17:57

priority some familes cant afford a big holiday every year. Big deal that you have to miss one year or downsize or just go for a few days in a caravan at the seaside.

Some things are important abd being there for his brother on his wedding day is important to dh.

FritzDonovan · 02/03/2017 19:56

Yeah nap, but most families don't have dh away up to 9 months of the year. It's not just about missing an expensive holiday. Last year we had 4 nights in a caravan park, and we were lucky to have that.
Interesting to see how ppl in the same situation have said they/dh haven't wanted to go without the rest of the family...

Original poster
prioritymail · 03/03/2017 06:25

Thanks Anne. He doesn't get overtime in his job, and it all goes into the one account, so we'll just suck it up and absorb the cost as a family, I guess. No extra effort needed on his behalf, another 4days?week or so in which I have the kids to myself. Grrr.Wink

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 03/03/2017 06:32

Agree with PPs that, if he wishes to be there, he should go alone. It's unfortunate that this might mean no family holiday, but that doesn't seem sufficient reason for DH to miss it.

You sound really angry with and resentful of him more generally: addressing this seems important.

Would his employer really not let him have time off for a sibling's wedding?

How do you ever book family holidays if your employers won't allow annual leave booking in advance?

Loopytiles · 03/03/2017 06:35

Urgh to the phrase "our little family"!

Original poster
prioritymail · 03/03/2017 06:40

He can book in advance, but due to the nature of the job (military) he doesn't know what he'll be doing/where he'll be (or even if he'll be around) much in advance. And it often changes at the last minute. You're right, I do have quite a bit of resentment because I've been putting up with this (and other things, including dishonest and dismissive behaviour) for a long time. While he still seems free to do what he wants a lot of the time. A whole other thread, but I take onboard the fact that a lot of ppl think attending this wedding is a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
prioritymail · 03/03/2017 06:42

Whatever loopy. Definitely don't take you seriously after that last rude comment

OP posts:
annandale · 03/03/2017 06:44

Sorry yes I think a brother's wedding is fairly non-negotiable. He could definitely go alone though, and you should tell them why.

wannabestressfree · 03/03/2017 06:46

This is becoming less about a holiday....
Due to the nature of his job I would encourage him to go. Yes he is away but if you married him serving in the armed forces you knew that. My ex was the same. And it makes holiday time precious. I just think on this occasion I would help plan and be accommodating as he obviously wants to go.

Loopytiles · 03/03/2017 06:51

that's a much ridiculed phrase on MN, for good reason IMO! Was rude of me to highlight it in this context though, you are right.

You seem to think that the "nuclear family" should trump his "family of origin"? perhaps because you don't live near extended family and don't wish to prioritise time with your in laws. Does your H share this view? He's not unreasonable if he doesn't.

So it seems like you have a relationship problem, and are angry with him for past behaviour, and suspect that he will behave a certain way on this issue. Most posters here say you'd be unreasonable to seek to prevent him going, but it sounds like you want to do this. If that's the case, best to be honest with him.

LellyMcKelly · 03/03/2017 06:52

I'd just back right off and tell him you'll leave it with him. He can do what he thinks is best, and then don't mention it again. If he's anything like my ex he won't be organised enough to bother arranging flights or accommodation. If the grandparents ask just pass the phone to him or tell them DH is in charge of it now. It's his brother after all - therefore it should be his responsibility.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/03/2017 06:54

I definitely think he should be able to go to his brother's wedding, and it's not comparable to you missing your sister's seeing as you medically couldn't fly (I think?).

That being said it sounds as though he's being selfish generally with family time/effort, so I can completely understand this particular situation frustrating you. It's probably just not the one to make a stand on, sorry.

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 06:54

I'm going to disgree with almost everyone and say that your DH sounds quite selfish .

If he's away for 9 months of the year, surely he'd want the spend his precious leave with his wife and children, not a brother he hardly ever sees and isn't close to.

Also it's selfish to spend so much of the family money on his own personal thing and make his children go without a holiday.

People get a bit carried away about weddings IMO- it's just a party where a couple ( who have probably been living together for years) sign a legal document . Yeah sure, go if you can afford it but the DH can't.

Interesting that he cares more about his parents giving him hassle to do this than he does about his kids giving him hasssle for not having a holiday. When they CAN afford it but their daddy has spent on What HE wants to do.

I also think it's telling that he won't agree with his wife what to do but will just take the money from their account and spent it on this without telling her. That's very deceitful IMHO.

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 06:57

And I don't really see why it's reasonable for him to spend such a high chunk of your family money on booking this flight and then he might not be able to go anyway if he's deployed.

Surely his family know the nature of his job and his inability to plan ahead ? Didn't they know this when they invited him ? They need to understand that you and the kids are not the only ones who have to make sacrifices for his career.

Bananamanfan · 03/03/2017 06:59

If it's in term time it's likely you would get school penalty notices, which are £60 each (you & dh) per child. Check with the school to guage whether they would authorise the absence.

Chops2016 · 03/03/2017 07:04

I wouldn't go. If the parents kicked up a fuss I'd say we can't afford it and leave it at that. Unless they know the ins and outs of your finances they can hardly argue.

Imo when you plan a wedding abroad you should be expecting fewer guests due to the cost. That's the tradeoff.

Original poster
prioritymail · 03/03/2017 07:25

wannabe, he wasn't in the services when we got together, he had spent time in the reserves before deciding, and knew I wasn't very happy about it, but I didn't stop him.
I have stepped back and haven't mentioned it again.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 03/03/2017 07:33

Away for nine months in military? Must be RN as they are only ones doing that time without break. Then are you being slightly disingenuous because they only do one deployment in two years. If away anywhere but Antarctica (say gulf) they get mid deployment/captains leave too. If a submariner or been on deployment, then huge amount of leave post deployment. Very rare not to know their schedule well in advance except as YO.

The forces are hard but not quite as hard as you are making out.

Expat38matt · 03/03/2017 07:35

Agree it would be supportive to tell him to go alone if you can't all go as a family
He'll thank you in the long run
And hey maybe you'll have stored up some points too ! It's not ideal but seems fair

averythinline · 03/03/2017 07:39

I think you're getting a hard time here...He's not close to his brother and I don't see why weddings are such a big deal.... Playing the big I am, with family money is crap.... im with Chops n Kristina if the pil ask u directly u can say u n the kids aren't going as is term time and can't afford it after move...Then hand phone over....
Although sounds like there's quite a lot of other stuff going on that's not great either..He does seem very selfish..

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