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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about OW

72 replies

JohnnyMarr · 25/02/2017 23:07

I posted recently about my H of 17 years leaving me. I have just discovered there is an OW. I feel sick. Can't stop shaking. He has abandoned my kids to play happy families with someone else's. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 25/02/2017 23:11

You just keep doing what you're doing. You cope, and you'll get through it. You are worth a lot more than to be treated like that. Your children are worth more.

Horrible situation. Look after yourself.

mamakena · 25/02/2017 23:11

So so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please keep your chin up. This is not the man you thought you married, and you did nothing to cause his awful actions. Take care of yourself and your kids.

troodiedoo · 25/02/2017 23:16

So sorry to hear that. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Do you have real life support?

terrylene · 25/02/2017 23:23

KOKO Flowers
You will do so much better without him. There will be other revelations.
But you are doing well, and will get better Grin

OldLibrary · 25/02/2017 23:48

It's just so horrible.

You've got to try your best to manage, minute by minute, hour by hour.

Try to do practical things and distract yiurself with nice plans for new bedding,or decor

Original poster
JohnnyMarr · 25/02/2017 23:54

He is a fucking pathological liar. I feel so stupid. There is blatant, irrefutable evidence and still he lies.

She's about 12.

OP posts:
Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 23:56

Does it matter what she's like? She'll be his next victim just smile knowing what she's got coming off him, as for him let him carry on as for you, rest repair yourself and go out dating have fun

Original poster
JohnnyMarr · 26/02/2017 01:25

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. He has lied and cheated and tried to gaslight me and everyone else into believing it's my fault. He has utterly fucked me over emotionally.

What will it do to my children when they discover he's left to be with someone else? With someone else's child?

Apparently I need to "move on". Easy to say when you're not the one left behind picking up the pieces.

What a patronising, narcissistic cunt.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 26/02/2017 01:26

There are no winners in this situation. If he cheated on you with OW, he is likely to cheat on her as well...terribly upsetting as the betrayal might be for you, it is important that you try your best to keep calm, and believe in the wonders of karma (eventually):

  • Go to your GP or walk-in centre and get tested for STD. She may not have been the only extra, and your personal health is important.
  • See a solicitor and focus on protecting your financial marital assets. You have to build a future without him. A bright, happy one hopefully.
  • Don't take him back if he changes his mind months later after the affair-honeymoon fades...you deserve better. Being single is lovely compared to being married to Sid James.
RedastheRose · 26/02/2017 01:39

It is awful, no one who has been through it will tell you any different, but it does get better. He is a liar and a cheat and who the fuck wants one of them! She is welcome to him. Try and think that you are well rid of him, you really are it just takes a while for your emotional side to get it even if you know it's true in your head. Practically, go to the doctor and get sleeping tablets if you aren't able to sleep (this was what was worst for me I survived on no more than 2 hours a night for the first month and nearly had a nervous breakdown (mine lied about OW too despite evidence and she is young enough to be his daughter and then some). Also ask for a referral for counselling, or pay for it yourself if you can afford it, it really can help to talk to the right counsellor. If you are paying you can usually have a first consultation free to see whether you like the counsellor.

Original poster
JohnnyMarr · 26/02/2017 01:51

I feel like such a twat. I honestly thought he was having some kind of breakdown!

I won't be taking him back. I've been there. Twice. More fucking fool me. I honestly cannot fathom why the fuck he came back last time. Just to torture me?

I feel like I'm on the brink of completely losing it. I had an assessment for CBT last week, the counsellor said that according to their scale I was "severely depressed" but that she didn't think therapy would be beneficial until I'd processed the situation. But that's exactly what I'm struggling to do.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 26/02/2017 02:06

See your doctor and get some anti-depressants to help you cope short term. It's easy to be wise in hindsight, I know now that mine had cheated on me loads but lied and gaslighted me until I didn't know which way was up. Keep saying to yourself 'you don't need this kind of shit in your life' and that 'you are worth more'. You really are, it just takes a while for it to sink in. This is the start of a new much happier life. Think of your brain as a record, your needle has been stuck in the same groove listening to the same shit for years. You need to create a new groove, one where you are happy and you don't have someone putting you down and making you feel worthless. you are worth more than this.

BevGoldbergsSister · 26/02/2017 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Touchmybum · 26/02/2017 02:35

He was leaving anyway, so in some ways it doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference to the outcome, just shows him up all the more for the selfish piece of shit he is. He might not have had the balls to go if he hadn't been egged on by some tramp who thinks it's ok to sleep with married men... but, if he had so little loyalty to you and your children, then let him go to hell in a handcart!

So far as that arsehole is concerned, you don't need to do anything. As others have suggested, see your GP, get whatever you need to get you through the next weeks and months. Your kids need you, at least they have one loving parent who puts them first.

And ((hugs)) xx

FeralBeryl · 26/02/2017 02:53

Flowers sweetheart, you are/were struggling to process because your gut was probably telling you there was more to process than you were privy to.
Although you are in shock and hurting like mad, this will honestly strengthen your resolve.
You can do this xx

Jules8432 · 26/02/2017 02:59

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain and hurt 😣
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS x
You've been through hard times before and come out the other side the difference is this time you've got a solid reason to NEVER GO BACK which frees you to move forward with yours and your kids life.

You all deserve so much more and will be happier not being with someone who gas lighted you and will never change!
The only good thing about hitting rock bottom is THE ONLY WAY IS UP
You will smile again x wether it be a hug from the kids or a silly thing you see on the tv you won't feel like this forever x

But for now get as much support as poss from docs, friends, family, on here, online.. get strength from other sources as you're probably running on empty.
Be kind to yourself like how you would care for your best friend 💐

I suffered horrendous heart break but all I have to do is look at my son to realise actually it was all for the best in the end x

I hope you're ok x
You are not alone x
Stay strong x
You will get through this xxxx

Original poster
JohnnyMarr · 26/02/2017 03:54

Thank you so much, all of you.

I know that you're all right. I tried so hard because I loved him and because I wanted to protect my family but he has shown himself to be a pathetic excuse for a husband and a father and I have finally come to realise that we deserve so much more than he will ever be capable of giving.

Let her have him. I'm sure she sees a charming, charismatic, high-flying, decent bloke but the lying, emotionally crippled, porn-addicted, profligate, cheating bastard will always be lurking beneath that thinly veiled veneer.

He is a walking cliche. And she talks on social media of her world "crashing down around her" during the breakdown of her own marriage and yet...

They can indeed go to hell in a handcart.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 26/02/2017 04:08

Try to stop watching her stuff on fb, actually just block them on your sociall media. You have gone so far and on a decent path for you and your kids. Their shit is their stuff, so let them deal with it. Your shit is real and you will deal with that. Be kind to yourself xxx

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2017 04:38

Your kids know it's over. And that's enough. They're children and they need protecting from this situation. Sadly your stbx is acting with his Dick. So you have to be there to pick up all the pieces, which is incredibly hard. You will get through this. A day at a time. As a pp said, now you can make a clean break as there is no going back from this situation.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 26/02/2017 05:28

OP it's fucking awful what he's done. But it's NO reflection on you and gradually, you and the children will recover. She's stuck with a man who amounts to nothing.

A man who isn't faitful or honourable. And who wants one of those? Not you...not your kids. Flowers

roastpotatoesandsprouts · 26/02/2017 09:48

Johnny. I have been where you are now after 20 years of marriage. It was like a bereavement but with the added pain of feeling that I had been a fool and the last 20 years had been a lie.

All I can say is be kind to yourself,: this is not about you and anything you could have done differently - it is about your flaky, morally weak ex. Channel your anger and make sure you get a fair financial settlement. You will in time move on to a better place

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/02/2017 09:55

Very sorry to read of yet another lying cheating bastard. And yet - awful though it is now, you'll feel a lot better a year from now, honestly you will.

I have to agree that it's probably better to step away from what's going on on FB - maybe block them both for now, so you're not tempted to look - but I also understand that need to spy on them. However, it will only cause you more pain so resist the temptation if you can.

Stay strong. x

Bones17 · 26/02/2017 10:15

How did you discover the OW and how long has he been gone before you found out OP? My 19 year old relationship has recently ended and I've suspected an OW. But 3 months post split I'm still waiting for her to surface. X

user1471545174 · 26/02/2017 10:23

So sorry, OP Flowers

Something I have realised slowly over the years is that if men instigate a break-up, there is always an OW. They have no resources of their own.

hareinthemoon · 26/02/2017 10:31

sweetheart, you are/were struggling to process because your gut was probably telling you there was more to process than you were privy to.

This is really true. And you will want to reprocess everything to try to make some sense of it. But i'm not sure there is any to make; in a year, five years, ten years, there will be yet another retelling of history. It's all about them. All of it.

One tear met another tear floating down the river.

"I am the tear of the woman who lost her lover," said the first tear.

"And I am the tear of the woman who found him," said the second.

Once you truly accept who he really is, not who you wanted him to be, you will see that you really are better off. One thing that has helped me is to try to see your future in, say, 5 years if he had stayed - with all the lying, etc. That's what you'd be looking at, not the glory of those first days. It was never going to be what you wanted it to be, because he wasn't who you thought you were married to.

Sorry though, it is just awful. Flowers