Just found out about OW

[JohnnyMarr]

I posted recently about my H of 17 years leaving me. I have just discovered there is an OW. I feel sick. Can't stop shaking. He has abandoned my kids to play happy families with someone else's. I don't know what to do.

If he is a narcissist then he will actively enjoy trying to string you along from time to time. Absolutely don't allow him to suck you back in.
FWIW this happened to my friend and over a year later she said "he's done me a favour" (shown his true colours). She has rebuilt her life, you will too, we women are awesome 💐

Bastard! Let's hope his dick falls off!

^^ I second this!

Everything you have written I have felt.
It is just awful. The pain is unbearable at times.
I'm a year on from it now and it does get better , it just takes time.
It is the worst feeling , knowing that the person who is supposed to look after you can walk away from you and your children.
Disgusting ,vile idiots.
My children have found it so hard.
The lies, deceit are shocking.
Please just take it a minute at a time, tell family and friends you trust.
They will want to help you.
See your dr for AD and get counselling.
This helped me so much . Please keep chatting on here. We are all here to help you, I wish I had known about mumsnet this time last year to speak to others that had been through this.
Sending you 🌺🌺🌺

So sorry you are going through this. Just remember, your anger means nothing to him, the only thing that could remotely affect him is if he thinks you are indifferent.

Agree with PP re blocking him and her on all social media - looking at it is self harming.

Also, you said What will it do to my children when they discover he's left to be with someone else? With someone else's child?

You need to minimise this and try to downplay any notion of him leaving to be with someone elses child. I totally get how you feel, but you need to say as little as possible to the DC that might make them feel he has left them to be with another family.

You will get through this and be so much happier on the other side. He's no prize and she will find out soon enough

Bones mine waited 4 1/2 months before saying to everyone in their office (she is a junior employee of his ) that they had 'just' started going out. She was already probably living with him by that time! Within a month they had gone house-hunting together and then he started harassing me to allow him money from our joint savings for them to buy a big fuck off detached house together. I am 9.1/2 months post split and life is much much better without him! She really is welcome to the lying piece of shit! Concentrate on your kids and you will get there, it just takes time.

What kind of man creature dumps his own children to go and live with someone else's children?
From a child's point of view that must be the ultimate betrayal.

Basically he's putting the needs of his own dick before the needs of his own offspring.
It's beyond disgusting and you and your children are well rid of him.

How do you know she was always in the picture though? Or do you just have that feeling that she was?? I'm certain mine must have an OW. I just have no solid proof. And I need that to move on. X

Bones - is your 'being certain' not proof enough?

Failing that, can't you follow him/ park outside his house one day and watch the comings and goings. I'm sure others will have better ideas to find out for sure.

Completely agree with littlepig that his behaviour is disgusting. Sounds like he's found his perfect match as what sort of bitch robs one set of children of their father to provide a new one for her own. Homewrecking whore.

Sorry to hear you're going through this JohnnyMarr are they his kids too? Has he talked to them about it yet or is he leaving it to you?

Martina, I think calling other women whores and bitches is never ok under any circumstance, but especially when you have no idea of the circumstances or potential lies and manipulation involved. It's too easy to blame someone else and not the person who's actually cheated.

OP,
Someone told me of a woman she knew who sat looking out of the window for three years, after her marriage ended.
I remember the pain, and my marriage ended in 1986! What I will say, is that, eventually, you do truly get over it and you can have a good life without him.
Take no notice of anything he says or does. Who he is/was with is of no interest to you - he's failed as a husband and you don't want him. Doesn't matter who moved out or what the history is, your job now is to sort things as well as you can financially and start your life afresh. You can do it.

Sorry to hear this, I'm a firm believer that your gut instinct is always spot on. I was in a similar situation this time last year after nearly 18 years of marriage. It was rocky for the last 6 years after he cheated (the only time he would admit to!) We were supposed to be trying to resolve our differences but he was distant and argumentative and if I'm honest I'd already checked out of the marriage emotionally. He picked a row leading to me telling him that I'd had enough but it was all part of the plan to be with the ow. He left a few weeks later but was telling anyone who would listen how his 'awful wife' had kicked him out and that there was nobody else. I didn't get proof of the ow until 5 months later when he accidentally sent text messages meant for her to our oldest dd. It was the one I'd suspected and had been going on for 3 years! The divorce wasn't easy but a year down the line I can honestly say that I am happier than I ever was when I was with him. You will be too.

I also agree with klassy about calling other women 'whores' or 'bitches'. There were at least 3 other women where my ex was concerned but I blame him and not them for his behaviour. I'm not condoning or excusing their actions but in most cases they don't know you personally and are being fed a load of shit. Plus (with the exception of entitled player types) most people don't cheat unless there are problems in a relationship in the first place. I took my ex back the first time as I saw it almost as a competition with the ow. I realise now that was ridiculous and that things were never the same after that and I never got over it. If anyone cheated on me now it would be a deal breaker. In saying that, my ex isn't living with the ow yet and I'm looking forward to her finding out what a 'delight' he is to live with!

You're devastated and I'm really sorry for you. So, as the Mafia say 'revenge is a plate best eaten cold' so how to get back at him and his new arm-candy? Let him have the children over to stay as much as possible for weekends, holidays etc. New gf will hate it as they take up his time and ruin their love-life but smile and be generous and then get your shit together. Get a solicitor. Ask around and get the best one you can afford who will sort out the legal side. Then get a new life and a new future. Nothing smacks of revenge better than a refreshed positive you. It will take time but you will get over it and one day you will look back and wonder but the hell you saw in him. How do I know? Been there, done that and its not impossible. Pino helped a lot mind.

First block all form of social media for them both, you don't need to see that crap.

What is your RL support. Can you access some? Do you have family and friends?

You probably can't manage CBT at the moment but you can talk. Get into talking therapy and talk it all out. Give yourself a safe space to get all the crap you think out to clear your head.

Speak to your GP so he is aware and see what he reccomends.

Take each minute, hour, day at a time. Just keep getting through the next bit.

Focus on you, your needs, your wants, your feelings and YOUR kids. He can go jump for the forseeable future!

Keep strong, get help. You will be ok!

Bones I thought he was cheating before he did the 'we've not been getting along' talk, as I know him so well. I found evidence, credit card booking for hotel and show tickets booked before the I want to separate talk, he just lied and lied and lied, it really didn't matter what he said I knew. His lies were ridiculous but then so is he and he thinks he's so clever! It doesn't matter tbh I knew inside me and so I think do you. Try and think that whatever he is doing or whoever he is doing it with it is nothing to do with you now. I no longer care about him so what he does doesn't hurt me anymore. I'm still pissed off by him having cheated, but I take comfort in the fact that both of them are serial cheats (not sure if he knows about her having done the same thing in her last office but I do 😄) He is finally with someone who he deserves!

Oh my lovely... I'm in exactly the same position as you. I had 'the talk' and then I found out that there was OW. He's never admitted it but I caught him red handed so we both know what's gone on.
It does get easier I think. I couldn't eat or sleep for months but that is getting a bit better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be fine, eventually. I feel your pain. And your friends and family will have your back. It's totally the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but I know I will be fine eventually. You will be too. Xx

I had this many years ago. Firstly leaving was a ahock, then the secondary of there being someone else, then the taking her on holiday to special places I'd taken him to, and finally the getting engaged and married within a year. The constant drip drip of information seemed to keep the hurt raw. 😒 I never thought I'd trust anyone else again. It took me a good couple of years. But I did, I the end I met a honest, good man who had been lied to and cheated on himself. When you've been with a truly bad man it makes you appreciate a good one!

You need to cut contact as much as possible, ie their social media, friends that like to gossip about him etc. Get your own life in order, line up a divorce lawyer, get rid of his things that are around etc. He can fit around your needs now.

But hugs to you, it's horrible, but it will one day seem like a distant memory and you will be in a much better place.x

My ex didn't admit for years. There were 2 ow in a short space of time.

Wee mcbeastie I don't agree people don't cheat without a reason. There's excuses not reasons if the relationship is making you unhappy you talk to your partner to try and resolve or you leave.

However we also had similar experiences my ex had been distant for some time and we'd already had a separation the previous year and got back together. During a row he got in my face and spat at me that he was gonna end the marriage but was gonna make it look like my fault so everyone would hate me and blame me.

But he wasn't clever enough because there was evidence (he wasn't even bright enough to put a lock on phone let alone delete texts, nor change the password to his email, he's even on video kissing his now wife when we were still married. Also she announced pregnancy very soon after I kicked him out once I felt I had enough proof).

Revenge - living well without him - sounds trite but you know what? Even when things have been shit for me I have NEVER let on to ex. As far as he's concerned I'm happy, and doing just fine without him (and when things are shit it's nothing to do with not being with him or our split and honestly if I were still with him I think he'd make things worse).

Meanwhile he seems to regularly forget I still hear exactly what's going on with him and it is NOT all roses by any means.

He's cheated on wife 2 regularly, has 5 kids he didn't want, is unemployed because he fucked up at work (affair has contributed to this), is not ALLOWED a mobile phone or social media accounts because of his cheating, she's installed spyware on their computer.

She's not happy either as she's having to support him and apparently he does bugger all at home. You reap what you sow.

And she did know us and knew we were married and had a child.

Not every ow knows (but I think is very rare and only in certain circumstances, I think many don't want to know or don't care) but both 'mine' did (one was supposedly a friend!)

You WILL get through this, you WILL see that you deserve better and that they deserve each other. Sleep when you can eat what and when you can, drink plenty (not alcohol) and do things that distract/make you happy.

Ladies, thank you

I'm sorry to have delayed coming back to read all your lovely responses but have been, well, am, a bit of an emotional wreck and have mostly spent the last couple of days in a snotty heap.

I am extremely lucky to have amazing friends and family in RL and I genuinely believe I'd have properly lost the plot by now if it wasn't for their support, but in some ways it's even more cathartic to be able to offload to and listen to advice from people who've been through the nightmare I'm currently living and come out the other side.

Klassy Yes, they're his kids too. He hasn't seen or spoken to DD since he left. She wants nothing to do with him. He has been having DS at weekends but has suggested that he should in fact have him EOW as it "isn't fair" on me for him to have all the weekends with him. Given that he blatantly doesn't give a flying fuck about my feelings obviously what this actually means is that EOW would suit him better as, presumably, that's when OW's XH has her DD. it's only been a month and he has already informed me he can't have DS this weekend as he has "a work event" Twat.

Bones I found out about the OW because he's already being a dick about money (I've been a SAHM) so I was going through some bank statements and noticed a massive hike in his phone bill recently. Clearly a bit of a red flag under the circumstances. Had a look on his FB and there was a girl on there who he'd never mentioned whose hobbies included ones he had mysteriously embarked upon a few months ago. I just knew in my gut it was her and cross referencing with his mobile phone records confirmed it.

I am beyond devastated. I don't want him back, but I simply cannot comprehend how the father of my DC, someone I have spent almost half my life with and who professed to love me can seemingly be devoid of any emotion whatsoever towards me at the flick of a switch. I am literally less than nothing to him now, a mere inconvenience.

My husband wasn't on Facebook but I've found a secret Facebook account he has (no activity though), and suspect OW also has a secret account too. Also too circumstantial for me I think. Heartbreaking

So sorry to hear you are going through this OP

It really is heartbreaking stuff. I separated 8 months ago and still keep finding out new stuff which hurts so much.

I don't know how they do it, I really don't. Thankfully, there are also lots of nice people in the world and it sounds like you have a bunch of them around you.

Gawd, it's awful, almost a physical pain when someone hurts you this bad.

I agree with above, a man does not leave his home comforts based on a breakdown or not feeling it, or not in love, it's all shit.

Most of the time it's OW and they then blame you for the breakdown because otherwise they'd have to face the fact they are a cunt so it's easier to blame you.

You will get through this and look back and be glad he's gone.

Op, so sorry you are going through this. I found out my partner had been cheating back in December, I found evidence on his phone of him meeting up with other women, I was so angry that I chucked all his things outside and changed the locks, luckily he wasn't the father of my children, we hadn't been together as long as you and your dh, I can't imagine how hard it must be. I was devistated, very angry and upset. He still denies cheating despite the evidence, I had him arrested for harassing me as he kept on and on at me for weeks. I still feel very angry with him and angry with myself for not noticing even though now it was obvious.
Things do get easier but I don't think I could trust again.

I remember that feeling "why has he moved on and forgotten me so quickly?", but you have to realise that he's had a while to get his head around this because he's known about it much longer than you.. In my case he'd been cheating for about five months, while enthusiastically organising a wedding to me at the same time!