Just found out about OW

[JohnnyMarr]

I posted recently about my H of 17 years leaving me. I have just discovered there is an OW. I feel sick. Can't stop shaking. He has abandoned my kids to play happy families with someone else's. I don't know what to do.

Uuughh. Every fucking day seems to bring new horrors.

I had a bit of an altercation with MIL in front of the kids because she refuses to acknowledge what he's done, despite the shitload of corroborating evidence. He appears to be fucking living with OW, mere weeks after he's left me, yet she is insisting to everyone that we drifted apart, six of one half a dozen of the other, it's all very sad but no one's to blame...Then she comes waltzing into my home, DS and his cousin in tow, and just appeared to think we could all carry on completely as normal, ignoring the massive elephant in the room. I asked her to leave, cue tears from the kids, me, her...

We've always been close and the DC adore her but I simply cannot bring myself to continue any kind of relationship with her if she won't accept the truth. I absolutely get that regardless of how close we've been blood is thicker than water, he's her son and she loves him unconditionally. I'm not asking her to disown him, or to take my side I just want her to acknowledge that he's treated me and her grandchildren in a spectacularly shitty manner. Because he has. But if she won't and I don't back down it will be my DC who suffer because their lying, cheating, shit of a father is incapable of being honest with anyone

I know a lot of people will say that your MIL has done nothing wrong and she is not to blame. It's your ex that is at fault. While that is true, I really do appreciate what you are saying. Think it's not so much that MIL is sticking by her son but more what she is saying about it.
I have also had to stop speaking to my MIL after my ex left for OW. He is not living with her - he is still trying to pretend about her!! But the only reason I know is because I found evidence of the affair. He tried to leave me saying he wasn't happy etc. But I knew him too well and knew he was lying so did some digging. Even when the truth came out he only admitted to what he had to. Some of my evidence was 'not what I thought it was'. My MIL had brushed everything under the carpet so to speak. Has minimised his behaviour and expects me to just get on with it as though it didn't happen etc. Like you say I never expected her to cut him out of her life but some loyalty to me to acknowledge what he has done would have been nice. I have felt very betrayed by some of her comments. I felt she made it very easy for him to move out etc. What really hurts for me is the fact MIL's exH left her for OW sometime ago and myself and STBXH were there to help her pick up the pieces. STBXH was so angry at FIL and what he did and how he handled it all. And now he has done the same. Feel like they are both hypocrites. So you really do have my sympathy at how you are feeling. I totally understand why you did what you did.

Take it from somebody that fell for the tears (and "throwing up" apparently) -
He's not crying for you. He's crying for himself. And if you let him think for one minute, that his tears have got you on his hook again, he will deceive you again and again and again - because on some weird level, you'll have let him think it's ok!
Don't bloody fall for it!

Similar here with ex-mil.

I was at local shopping mall and bumped into her not long after split, she tore into me about 'not letting him see dd when he's paying a fortune in maintenance and doing all the transport' he's not seen dd for 3 months his choice, wasn't paying maintenance so certainly no 'transport'! I showed her the texts on my phone where I kept asking him when he was going to see dd what was he playing at etc, his replies saying he was busy/working/ill (hungover from clubbing with ow), also texts saying he didn't see why he should pay maintenance as I was working at the time. I also made her come into my bank and got 3 months of bank statements printed off showing

A no maintenance
B me struggling with od and credit card just to buy food/cover bills!

That shut her up! I suspect she gave ex a right row as the following week he saw dd that weekend and took her to his mums and paid a SMALL amount of maintenance.

Over the years she has stayed in touch with dd but sadly no longer has the same influence over ex to be a better dad, I get the impression they barely talk.

I'd also like to say to anyone reading in the early stages of going through this inc op - don't believe what they tell you about how the 'new' relationship is working out. I found out through the grapevine that ex was not welcomed by ow's family and friends and vice versa, ow's own parents fell out with her for being so stupid as to

A fall for the 'my wife doesn't understand me' 'the marriage has really been over for ages' 'we're in separate rooms don't have sex' lines he fed her

B risk her career just as she was starting out (he was her boss)

C not making him wear condoms and ending up pregnant!

The biggest surprise for me was hearing ex-fil (who I thought didn't like me!) had called him a 'bloody idiot' for losing me!

Things really aren't always as they seem.

You did everything right. He is scum. There are brighter days ahead.

"He appears to be fucking living with OW, mere weeks after he's left me, yet she is insisting to everyone that we drifted apart, six of one half a dozen of the other, it's all very sad but no one's to blame"

OMG. This reminded me SO MUCH of how ex-fiancé's brother reacted to him dumping me just prior to our wedding for a woman at work - only he moved in with her 2 days after leaving our house. Claimed she was just a "friend" - ha ha, but within 3 weeks was having a family meal to introduce her to everyone! His brother's GF refused to go to the meal because she was due to be our bridesmaid and was fucking FURIOUS with the ex, wouldn't have anything to do with it, so ex's brother had a go at her. I shouldn't have got involved, but had known him for 11 years and thought we were ok so phoned him - and he gave me almost verbatim that load of shit you've just quoted above!! I was totally incensed, because it was so UNFAIR - none of it was true, it was entirely down to the fact that he'd met someone else he'd rather screw! We fell out rather badly, but I stayed in touch with his GF (good friend of mine).

So your MIL may be showing her true colours, or she may just be refusing to "take sides" (SUCH a cowardly way to deal with the situation) but it's STILL immeasurably hurtful when you know it's all lies and bollocks to cover up his appalling behaviour.

I've worked really hard to stay in good terms with ex in-laws and had to combat some of this bollocks. He never his the OW but did the classic thing of claiming to have tried to fix us first (crap) and been unhappy for ages (crap). He has also lied to them about his financial dealings with me during the split. He hates that we are in contact and does all he can to prevent it. They have mostly managed to get the balance right between being supportive of their son whilst also showing me they are saddened by his behaviour but it's taken a lot of effort on my part to insist there are no 'sides'.

I think your MIL absolutely owes you that acknowledgement. I really do. I understand her loyalties are with her son, but it's possible to say "Look, my son has behaved appallingly - I love him, of course, and I will support him - but I am not condoning what he has done or what it has put you through". To be honest, that's a sign of a moral compass - and I wouldn't be happy about having someone who lacked that kind of judgement around my kids.

Thank you all. Reading your responses I feel vindicated in how I behaved.

Having said that, I felt awful for my DC, they've been through more than enough with H's vanishing act, so I text MIL apologising and suggested she come round for a chat to try and clear the air. All good. Until I spoke to SIL. Apparently MIL had essentially forbidden her from taking "my side" and remains adamant that H has done absolutely nothing wrong. FFS.

And then she sent me a letter. Addressed to me in my maiden name which, (whilst purporting to love DC and I dearly, feel awful for the situation in which we find ourselves, and wanting to do whatever she can to help), reading between the lines seems to insinuate that I've driven H to the brink of insanity by being a miserable bitch and he had no choice but to abandon his DC and I in order to save himself

Is twattery a genetic affliction?

She was way out of order. My MIL is lovely and I would like to THINK that in this situation, she'd side with me. She in fact once told me that if DH and I ever split up she would put me first because she knows how difficult DH can be...but in reality...it's her son isn't it?

How DARE she send you that bloody letter!!

You keep on keeping on and remember that in lying to herself, she just looks like a tit.

YOu know, it's better that you know that she believes her son is not to blame. At least you know that your place is definitely in the wrong in her eyes, and that she's a bloody two-faced horror as well.

Your SIL sounds better - is she? Hope you do have an ally on that side :(

Your MIL has set out her stall completely. You are to blame for this - you drove him to it.

This is actually good news. It means that you won't ever rely on her or turn to her for support. Don't respond to the letter in any way. Your ex can take the kids to see her when he has them, which means that you no longer have to facilitate that relationship. Or if the kids ask to see her then you can drop them at her house or at the park or wherever.

Telling everyone that you have drifted apart is bad enough when she knows that he had an affair, but instructing SIL not to take your side is awful behaviour. That letter is awful behaviour.

No way would I have her in my house again.

Oooh! Horrible MIL!

Send her a letter back thanking her for clarifying everything for you - it's no wonder that he doesn't feel any guilt over the pain and heartbreak he caused to his wife and children because he had clearly been brought up to not have to own up to wrongs and been put on a pedestal of blamelessness by his own mother. Say you will try to make sure that if you see any such behaviour in his children and their treatment of other people you will make sure you squash it. Then wish her a lovely time with her son and the replacement daughter in law.

Today has been horrific.

DS left early this morning to go on a three day school trip and so without the pressure of having to try and keep it together and be strong for him I've completely fallen apart and been a snivelling, snotty mess all day. I just feel totally bereft and can't see how I'll ever get through this and feel anything even vaguely approaching happiness again.

It's been nearly 6 weeks, surely I should be starting to come to terms with what's happened instead of feeling worse than I did when he left? Ddog went to chase a squirrel earlier when he was on the lead and has injured my finger which has now gone a funny shape and colour. It's pathetic but it's just made it hit home that now whenever I'm hurt, or sick, or sad there's no one here for me, no one to love me or give me a hug. I just see myself living some kind of shitty half life for ever more, just existing and lonely and impoverished while he's happily moving on, raking the dosh in to fund his sordid little fuckfest and not give a shiny shit about any of us.

Oh JohnnyMarr I'm sending you a hug. Of course you're not going to bounce back after a few weeks, and it's normal to have days where you cry. Let it out, get upset, get angry. Do whatever you need. You won't be forever living alone with nobody to hug you, and you won't be living with someone who lies and cheats..

Mine left 13 weeks ago this Friday. I was just getting better until last Wednesday when I got my proof of OW. I had a nervous breakdown at the weekend. It's like a double whammy.

But I'm coming up stronger this time. Now I know, I'm pressing on with divorce plans. I've blocked them both on all social media and will only speak to him now regarding the divorce or the kids.

These men do not care about us now. They're emotionally ahead of us by the time they leave. Mine is still trying to control my decision making so I've gone near no contact again. I have to get well again.

Come on girls we can do this! We don't deserve this treatment but they're cowards and don't deserve us! They will be sorry! But that's their problem. And the OW? Has she really won?? Think about it. We had the nice years with our husbands. The OW had now got the lying, deceiving, cheating & arrogant version.

Chin up and push on. We can do this! X

Johnny - 1 step forwards, 2 or even 3 steps back is entirely normal at this very early stage. Slowly it becomes 1 step forward, 1 step back; and then it becomes 2 steps forward, 1 step back and step by step you move towards walking forward all the time. Occasional stumbles still happen, but in essence you're always going in the right direction. But that takes TIME, and there is no right or wrong answer to "how much time" because it's individual, and also relates to how long the relationship was.

Breathe, keep moving one step at a time - you will get through this ((((hugs))))

Oh Johnny you poor soul, it's very early days yet for you, you've only had a few weeks of rebuilding your life from the chaos he left you with. Things will get better, but slowly, take one day at a time.

It might be a good idea to get your finger checked, you may have snapped a ligament or something.

Just to back track a little, I never saw my MIL again after I split with Ex, though previously we'd always got on well. I came to think that she was the loser in this, and at least I didn't have to cope with her negative feelings about me.

Take care.

Thank you for the pep talk ladies It really is cathartic to be able to offload here, I feel a bit sorry for my RL friends having to listen to the same sorry shit on repeat!

I'm feeling a bit better today, seething with rage rather than sobbing in a crumpled heap, so I guess that's an improvement of sorts...

Johnny, it definitely takes longer than 6 weeks.I have felt physically drained which I think is due to the emotional stress and I asked stbxh to leave after EA.

Your ex has to blame you or else it shows him up to be a weak self entitled man.

Just remember when things look like they are falling apart, they are actually falling into place.It's a transition to a better life.Keep the faith, life will be good again.

Johnny, six weeks is nothing! You will be up and down for a good while yet, but over time you will find the good times increase while the bad times get less.

I am 5 years down the line from discovering that what I thought was a loving 30 year relationship was nothing of the kind and that exH had cheated on me throughout. He remarried one of the OW within 6 months. I still have bad times when I bitterly regret ever meting him, but I have built myself a new life and there are many more good times than bad. Overall I would say life is really pretty good now.

It is a shitty experience and I don't think anyone who has been through it would tell you otherwise, but dark times teach you a steely self reliance which enables you to know you can deal with anything life throws at you. I wouldn't swap that knowledge and my hard earned peace for any man now.

6 weeks is so early in all this. Don't be so hard on yourself. Took me a good year to start feeling like my old self and even then there'd be things that were hard to deal with.

It does get easier - and yes if he's cheated on you chances are he'll cheat on her too.