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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Panicking about ttc

65 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 24/02/2017 23:49

I posted last week. I have a two kids aged 14 and 8. Ive been with DP 3.5 yrs And they call him dad. Recently we decided ttc but im doing it to keep him happy and give him a child. Im feeling anxious about it all

OP posts:

category12 · 25/02/2017 07:41

Maybe you need to rethink if you aren't happy about trying to get pregnant. You should both want a baby.

Tweetme · 25/02/2017 07:43

If it's the thread im thinking of, I didn't join in but I was surprised that so many posters thought you should consider it and also that within a couple of days you had agreed.

It's ok to have a rethink or at least give yourself a bit more time.

Tweetme · 25/02/2017 07:44

I could never do what you're doing if I felt the way you do.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 07:50

If i dont my kids lose the man they call dad

OP posts:

OliviaBenson · 25/02/2017 07:52

I remember the other thread. I don't think it's fair on anyone if this is something your heart isn't in.

Can you talk to your partner?

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 07:55

I can but it will be over hes desperate for a child

OP posts:

InTheMoodForLove · 25/02/2017 08:00

I remember your first post too.
Have you actually said to your DP you feel you must give him a child as you are scared to loose him otherwise? I don't think you have. Who would what a child under this condition? Surely you are not just a baby making machine to him!

Your children are old enough to understand that 1) he is not really their father 2) you do not use children as a bargaining tool 3) love should be unconditional

InTheMoodForLove · 25/02/2017 08:03

ah ok. Cross-posted
He knows how you feel and he still wants to go ahead ?
Doesn't sound right.
You have to let him go. But you won't

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 08:04

They would be devastated though. We want to be with each other but he wants his own kid. Havent told him fully how i feel

OP posts:

Tweetme · 25/02/2017 08:05

If you imagine both scenarios, you have a new baby or him leaving, which feels best to you? Or which feels worst?

Isthismummy · 25/02/2017 08:07

And if you do you end up with a child you don't really want and a potential resentment of your dp.

I saw your other thread op and I do feel for you. It's a shitty situation to be in. Your partner has every right to want his own child and you have every right to stop at two.

AyeAmarok · 25/02/2017 08:10

Your kids probably shouldn't be calling a man you've known for 3 years "Dad", not at their age. How did that come about?

Did he suggest it?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 25/02/2017 08:13

You cannot have a baby you don't want just to keep your partner. It's a recipe for disaster, your relationship will end anyway with acres of acrimony and bitterness, and you will left still be raising this baby for 18+ years.

You would be far better off telling him now that you can't do this and the price of staying with you is not having a child. Please, please do not go ahead with ttc when it's not what you want.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 08:13

No he didnt suggest it. Dd was only 4.5 when we met and they get on really well. When he moved in she asked if she was allowed to call him dad. We discussed what it meant to call someone dad and DP agreed. Ds sometimes calls him dad.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 25/02/2017 08:15

Having a child to keep a man is a really bad idea

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2017 08:27

I would not ever ttc in such circumstances; its a recipe for disaster.

Have you not told him how you feel because you are afraid of his reaction?.

Would your children really be devastated; those are your thoughts and not theirs. They would perhaps think differently.

Why are you and he together at all?. You and he are fundamentally incompatible; he wants a child and you do not or if you do its only for him. That is completely unfair to that child.

April2013 · 25/02/2017 08:47

I think you need to tell him how you feel and he needs to listen and you need to think in detail about how you would feel if you get pregnant tomorrow, throughout the pregnancy and the birth and then with a newborn, baby, toddler, older child, teenager, adult...You need a longer period of thinking about this and discussing it at the very least. I think if you can't be honest with him about how you feel then the relationship isn't worth as much as you think to you or your children. If he only stays if you have a baby then he can't be that committed to them. A Dad should be a Dad whatever happens.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 25/02/2017 08:50

Where is their actual dad?

Have you considered getting married?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 25/02/2017 08:58

Have you considered getting married?

...That's your prescription for this situation michael? Seriously?

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 10:23

Were great together and yes my kids would be very upset. Neither father is involved with them. We have talked about marriage and looked at venues

OP posts:

YouMeddlingKids · 25/02/2017 10:28

What happens if you have the baby for him and the relationship ends? First year with a newborn is the most stressful time even when both parents desperately wanted a child. Would you be prepared to be a single mum to three? And yes, I would never have a child to someone I wasn't married to as it does still give some legal protection should the relationship not last.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 25/02/2017 10:29

Look, you can't marry him while you aren't on the same page about this. A baby is a bad bad bad bad idea right now.

InTheMoodForLove · 25/02/2017 10:45

Having a child to keep a man is a really bad idea

it is not just that. If just having a child was enough for a relationship to succeed , hu

even the language is uncomfortable

"keeping a man"

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 25/02/2017 13:53

I will speak to him. He's 42 so feels like we don't have years to decide. He'd be a great dad aswell but I'm just hesitant

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 25/02/2017 16:38

I didn't see your previous thread.

Is there something(s) specific that you're concerned about with having another child?

Because if you're concerned that he will not help enough with housework/parenting, then that's a concern that can be talked about and hopefully resolved.

If it's more a case of "I was enjoying the fact that I've only got about another 10 years of having a child at home and I'm looking forward to having less responsibilities and more freedom" then that is a perfectly valid reason to not have another child - but unfortunately it's not something that can be resolved within the relationship.

I'm saying this as someone with infertility. I was never able to have my own biological child. My D(S)S is now an adult and even having gone through that soul-destroying longing for a child of my body, I wouldn't now want to rewind the clock and start all over again.

If you are reluctant, or even if you're ambivalent, about bringing another child into the world, I really don't think you should do it.

Of course it's entirely your choice, and it will be a very difficult one either way

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