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Original poster

Panicking about ttc

65 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 24/02/2017 23:49

I posted last week. I have a two kids aged 14 and 8. Ive been with DP 3.5 yrs And they call him dad. Recently we decided ttc but im doing it to keep him happy and give him a child. Im feeling anxious about it all

OP posts:
Whocares2017 · 25/02/2017 17:30

I would never have considered it before I divorced but if I entered into another relationship I would always prepare for being a single parent. As in consider would I be able/prepared to do it on my own? Unromantic but sensible.

Cuppaoftea · 25/02/2017 20:30

I remember your last thread Op.

I didn't realise he was expecting you to start ttc straightaway, thought you were planning to get married first, get legal advice re your house (putting him on the mortgage/deeds)and put more thought in to how you'd manage childcare round your job.

Whatever you do don't undermine yours and your 2 DCs financial security.

Just be completely honest about how you feel, it's unreasonable of him to put so much pressure on you. Your DCs will be fine whatever the outcome. At the very least it sounds like you need more time to think things over Flowers

AutumnRose1988 · 26/02/2017 06:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 26/02/2017 09:55

Hello thanks for your replies. I know he would be very involved with the baby. We have a cleaner so housework mainly sorted. He earns 50k and i earn 35k full time so money wise were ok. I just feel like ive done the baby thing twice and DS is almost an adult! We are hoping to marry quickly and have looked at venues

OP posts:
NapQueen · 26/02/2017 09:57

I remeber your last thread and for the life of me could never understand how you came to the conclusion that marrying and having a third child you didnt want was your favoured option.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 26/02/2017 10:05

Because hes such a good dad to my 2. I want to give him the opportunity for his own child. Hes adamant he only wants a baby with me

OP posts:
UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 26/02/2017 13:48

But unicorn, if that's not something YOU want, it's not something you can simply put aside. It would be a horribly horribly unfair thing to do TO THE CHILD - who has no say in any of this - to bring them into a situation where you are 'giving' your DP a child you yourself don't want.

Honestly from here it sounds like you KNOW you don't want to go back to the baby stage, but are trying to talk yourself into it because he 'deserves' it. I can't say this strongly enough: that's not how it works.

Please put the wedding on hold and get back on contraception until the two of you have properly resolved this issue, and for God's sake do not have a baby if you know in your heart you don't want one.

AutumnRose1988 · 26/02/2017 16:17

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ShatnersWig · 26/02/2017 16:23

This thread is going to be a total retread of the last one. Majority view was it was a bad idea, you weren't keen, then suddenly decided you would do it. You're saying the same things you did on your previous thread. Not sure what you want from us really, that you've not already had.

AutumnRose1988 · 26/02/2017 17:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 26/02/2017 20:59

I think its that i had my son at 19 im now nearly 34 and im feeling its more my time now. I work full time and im so tired most of the time i think another one might kill meHmm

OP posts:
AutumnRose1988 · 26/02/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 26/02/2017 21:51

We discussed it. We were both unsure re what we wanted re kids. He's always told me he's really happy living with me and my kids so I've never thought about it until a few weeks ago when he brought it up

OP posts:
AutumnRose1988 · 26/02/2017 22:01

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Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 26/02/2017 22:04

No he's not called it a deal breaker as such but he said he wants a child but only with me. No pressure then!

OP posts:
AutumnRose1988 · 27/02/2017 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/02/2017 07:28

Wait a minute. You're ttc even though it makes you panic (and to me, you seem quite clear that you don't want a baby and don't think you'd cope) and you haven't even discussed whether this is a deal breaker for him?

I really want to be kind here, but I think I also have to be blunt. Do you see that that's bananas? Are you often this passive about your own precious life?

I'm sure he is a lovely good man. And as autumn says it's a perfectly normal thing to say that you only want children with your partner. But you can both be lovely people and not be compatible right now because what you want from life is different.

Seriously, please, you need to raise the issue with him again and find out if having children with you is a deal breaker for him. I think you also need to do some serious self-reflection about how much you assert yourself in your own life.

SaltySeaDog72 · 27/02/2017 07:46

This is massive decision that will affect you hugely over the next few years and for about 20 plus years to come.

From here it sounds like you are 'going along with it' even though your gut is screaming 'noooooo'

I think that's bonkers.

Get back on contraception TODAY until you have properly and honestly discussed where you both stand

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 27/02/2017 13:36

I know its mad. Im swinging between yes and no. Today i feel like ive had two kids with men who obviously didnt even care about me so why not have one with someone who loves me?

OP posts:
SaltySeaDog72 · 27/02/2017 13:45

because his love won't make the toil of a complicated pregnancy (I think you mentioned medical complications) and a baby any less easy. The years of pre-schooler life. Sleepless nights. Messy play. Being the main carer (unless he is going to do this?) primary school years all over again.

Do you want it?

I think you only swing towards yes when you've got rose tinted glasses on.

I am with a great boyfriend and I feel it's a shame we didn't have kids together but I am absolutely adamant I'll have no more children. Because that part of my life is over. It's too big a thing to do for someone else.

SaltySeaDog72 · 27/02/2017 13:46

I don't mean any less easy

You know what I mean

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2017 13:48

I've been flamed on here many times for wondering out loud about women's seeming tendencies to have more children than they can comfortably cope with and then spend years wondering why they aren't coping. You aren't meant to mention it once the kids are here.

You are in the decision making part so presumably its OK to say it to you, that if you have more kids than you feel you can comfortably cope with, you will struggle to cope. It's your choice of course.

I couldn't cope with more than one, so I stopped.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/02/2017 13:52

Because love (from your partner) isn't enough, and it often doesn't last.

Seriously, can you tell us what you want from this thread? Because if it's for us to tell you you should go ahead and it will all be OK, I can't do that.

The fact that you've had bad relationships in the past is 100% not a reason to have another child, especially one you fear you wouldn't cope with.

troodiedoo · 27/02/2017 13:54

Just relax and see how it goes. You are making a life changing decision so anxiety is normal and would be more worrying if you weren't to be honest.

As I posted on your other thread I was in a very similar position to you and am now heavily pregnant and could not be happier/ more excited. If you are dead against it then don't do it but sounds like you've just got jitters. You're in a stable loving relationship and financially stable. Why the hell not go for it :) good luck.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2017 14:53

Troodie did you not read the thread? Op doesn't want another child. She's knackered as it is. Your delight at being pregnant has no bearing on other people's reproductive choices.