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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is infidelitiy ever ok?

67 replies

User7889 · 24/02/2017 18:57

Just as subject really? I'm trying to make sense of a situation but can't get my head round it wondering if anyone can think of any circumstances that make it ok, thanks

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 24/02/2017 18:58

The only way it is ok is if fidelity doesn't matter (to you)

Riversleep · 24/02/2017 19:02

Or to your partner. One of my friend has been in a polyamorous relationship for 20 years. Don't know if that counts as infidelity as it's open but he's apparently completely faithful but she is not. He seems ok about it and they all regularly meet as the boyfriend is the father of the children. (He never wanted childen)

user1483387154 · 24/02/2017 19:02

No

welshmist · 24/02/2017 19:07

Well it depends if it was me being unfaithful being human with all the weaknesses of self I might be able to justify it. However, if DP did it I would struggle with understanding/forgiving it. I know hypocritical right.

c3pu · 24/02/2017 19:13

It's something a lot of people do. Life is complicated, so are relationships... I dunno about "ok", but it seems to be something deeply ingrained in humanity.

Notapodling · 24/02/2017 19:34

No, never. Relationships may be messy but it'll always be a terribly hurtful thing to do to someone who loves you. Although, fwiw I wouldn't consider polyamory infidelity. Ultimately, it's about showing respect for your partners feelings and being honest instead of deceitful.

Original poster
User7889 · 24/02/2017 19:37

I'm just trying to get my head around things.... seems there is a lot of it about, some cases people turn a blind eye, other cases they get on their high horse, I can understand why sometimes people think it's acceptable ( except in open relationships) and other times not... I really don't think it is acceptable, struggle with friendships with those that have been unfaithful, though they are the same person they were before 'making a mistake' to me it is just wrong, though I'm trying to get a deeper understand so as to not be so judgmental and possibly more accepting of the situation, perhaps I need to be more forgiving, I don't know!

OP posts:
Original poster
User7889 · 24/02/2017 19:38

Not 'can understand' I can't understand why sometimes

OP posts:
JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 24/02/2017 19:51

The actual act of infidelity comes with so much other awful stuff - lying, sneaking around, gas lighting, risk of STIs that unless you are open with your partner and it's an open relationship I don't think it's ever ok.

I would struggle to respect a friend or relative if they had been unfaithful to a partner and if it was someone close to me I would have to distance myself and would tell them why. I would be happy in that situation to be called judgemental!

Kanewreck · 24/02/2017 20:06

If a husband/wife has advanced dementia.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 24/02/2017 20:12

WTF River! How does that work? He doesn't want kids but is fine with living with a couple that aren't his. Does he just ignore them?

SleepingTiger · 24/02/2017 20:13

If it's an accident, then yes I suppose it's ok.

sonjadog · 24/02/2017 20:16

Things are often not as black and white as people on here would have you believe. Sometimes people can´t leave. Should they live their lives unhappily rather than take the happiness they can get, even if it isn´t exactly the way they would like it to be? I think we have to make take the happiness we can find in life. There is no reward for making it to death without feeling joy or love, as long as you have done your duty.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in the saying - Do to others as you wish they would do to you. I think that is a good rule to live by.

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 24/02/2017 20:46

Sleepingtiger how can you cheat by "accident"?!

ShootFruit · 24/02/2017 20:48

River Shock. That's beyondy comprehension

ShootFruit · 24/02/2017 20:49

My*

AutumnRose1988 · 24/02/2017 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnRose1988 · 24/02/2017 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 24/02/2017 21:07

Issue for me is deceit.

Multiple partners fine if everyone involved knows and agrees to the situation, whatever that situation is.

Taking an additional partner behind someone's back - no.

Interesting point about dementia above. Has made me think about scenario where partner doesn't know but doesn't have capacity to understand. Yes I can see that. I guess the relationship has fundamentally changed in other ways too.

Original poster
User7889 · 24/02/2017 21:09

Sonjadog.... I agree with
I think there is a lot of wisdom in the saying - Do to others as you wish they would do to you. I think that is a good rule to live by.
But I really don't think I could be unfaithful.... yet others are so thus trying to accept that/them and trying to understand why, to me it's just utterly wrong.
Kanewreck.... so far this is the only situation I can feel that I can possibly understand why it maybe ok other than if both partners are 'happy' with the arrangement however i can't see how both partners could be truely happy about such a situation
Thank you though everyone for your input I've been thinking about this a lot for several months and not getting anywhere!

OP posts:
HappyJanuary · 24/02/2017 21:20

I threw my xh out after an affair and can honestly say it was the worst pain I'd ever felt - the betrayal, grief and humiliation are still so fresh, several years later. I still feel traumatised now, and fundamentally changed by the experience.

I do not understand anyone who is willing to be complicit in causing that sort of misery, and distance myself accordingly from friends who are involved in affairs.

To anyone who talks of 'only living once' or being 'deserving of happiness' I would say that the faithful spouse is deserving of that too; leave honourably as many manage to do.

Emboo19 · 24/02/2017 21:44

I really can't imagine I'd ever be able to cheat on someone. It's just not something I think I'd be capable off.
That said I know a few of my friends who've cheated and I don't think any less of them.

Rather lighthearted....me and my boyfriend agree that if one of us is stranded on a desert island (lost style) the stranded one can cheat, we think it would be needs must in that situation. The one at home has to wait at least a year.

Original poster
User7889 · 24/02/2017 22:02

Happy January.... I'm sorry that you have had to go through it.... your words are very wise, I don't think it is something I will ever be able to feel is ok

OP posts:
JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 24/02/2017 22:28

aurumnrose I was thinking of examples where an acquaintance / someone on the periphery of my friendship group had the angst and upset of being cheated on and maybe dumped and then found their friends / inlaws chose to side with the guilty party who happily slagged off the person left behind. I am not that close to these examples but do judge the cheat and think a cheaters desire for happiness doesn't entitle them to show so little respect to their ex partner.

Fortunately none of my closer friends have had affairs or they haven't told me so this situation hasn't arisen. I do want all my friends to find happiness but there are ways of doing it to minimise pain to other people - and if they can deceive their partner (sometimes for months or years) I wouldn't respect them.

Thinking about this, reminds me of one of my ex best friends who treated her boyfriend really terribly. She wasn't unfaithful but she dumped him one Sunday morning - after having one last enjoyable shag. I didn't particularly like the guy but he felt so devastated and used I couldn't be friends with someone who could treat someone like that. Years later I am in touch with him and not her.

Riversleep · 24/02/2017 22:45

idrink He adores the kids from what I've seen. I've wondered the same thing. All I can think is that he does do the fun stuff but doesn't have the responsibility of making the big decisions about schools, discipline etc. They've been together 20 years. The kids are 12 and 9. She is one of my best friends. She wanted kids, he didn't. Seems like he accepted it because he loves her but didn't want to lose her.