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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is infidelitiy ever ok?

67 replies

User7889 · 24/02/2017 18:57

Just as subject really? I'm trying to make sense of a situation but can't get my head round it wondering if anyone can think of any circumstances that make it ok, thanks

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 24/02/2017 22:50

How can you cheat by accident?.....

Well, imagine a man and a woman, together in an isolated setting, away from normal life stuff, and say it was like a bit hot? Kind of thing. So they took their clothes off, only a bit, so they could still function. Kept their panties on and blouses and shirts. But then they actually got taken off as well, but not kind of really, just kind of slipped off. so, it's not really cheating, just kind of getting close, supporting each other like. In that situation. Then they lean in close and their lips accidentally collide? Know what I mean....it happens. Then a bit of him accidentally touched her bit and well it kind of felt better if they went all the way. By accident.

Desperina · 24/02/2017 22:55

🤔

☝🏽revenge

Gertrudeisgerman · 24/02/2017 22:55

I have cheated when I was younger. On a guy I really loved, actually. It was singularly one of the worst things I've ever engaged in. I cheated because I seek validation and attention in unhealthy ways as my virginity was taken from me, by rape aged 11, so my boundaries are not good. This isn't me making excuses or justifying my actions just explaining what I do.

I was wrong. There's no excuse. I was being horrible because I have a voice in my head that pretty much hates men and when I got drunk I thought I was being clever and saying fuck you to men. But really I was being a complete, messed up arsehole. It wasn't okay, it didn't feel okay and my boyfriend didn't deserve it.

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 24/02/2017 23:01

Yes tiger don't you just hate it when your knickers accidentally fall off and a penis falls into you repeatedly..

PacificDogwod · 24/02/2017 23:01

Short answer? No.

Longer answer: it depends.
Yes, deceit is the issue.
If both partners agree to an open relationship, then it's not 'cheating' in my book.
IME that kind of an arrangement (like what River describes) remains the exception and not the rule.
And no, one partner cannot unilaterally decide that they are in a polyamorous relationship although far too many men seem to interpret 'open relationship' thus

Are you ok, OP?

Graphista · 24/02/2017 23:04

I've been cheated on - it's the deception and risk to health that bothered me most.

I'm a very honest person by nature but also have an open minded attitude to sex. Stupidly we'd actually discussed open marriages and he knew that I had a positive attitude towards them but I suspect it was a case of it was ok for him to have sex elsewhere but he didn't want me to.

Graphista · 24/02/2017 23:05

I too call bullshit on 'accidental' sex! Utter nonsense

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 24/02/2017 23:09

I don't think It's ever okay either (I don't see rivers example as cheating, theirs no deceit there) People seem to underestimate the damage it can do to the innocent party. I've been cheated on by someone I love more than I thought was humanly possible and I honestly don't think I will ever be the same again.

PacificDogwod · 24/02/2017 23:10

Oh, 'accidental' - give me a break!

Just like the interesting foreign bodies I have had opportunity to remove from various men's rectums (in a professional capacity) that they had 'fallen on to': carrots, deodorant container caps, vibrators... all 'accidentally' found their way up their anus, you know.

PacificDogwod · 24/02/2017 23:11

Although I did very much enjoy SleepingTiger's narrative...

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 24/02/2017 23:14

Fuck. I meant there's not theirs. Obviously.

Riversleep · 24/02/2017 23:21

I agree it's the deceit that's the problem. Although I can't imagine being ok with it even if someone was open about the terms of the relationship. I do wonder if she'd be happy if it were the other way round.

LovelyJubly111 · 24/02/2017 23:39

I think it depends on the person. Personally for me it's unforgivable.

SeaEagleFeather · 24/02/2017 23:56

I'm with sonjadog.

also, people differ.

Deceit is shit, but if there is genuine acceptance of open relationships then who are we to judge? If we do judge, we're being so very certain that our way is the only way. It isn't. People really do vary, and that's great.

Original poster

User7889 · 25/02/2017 07:14

Pacificdog I am fine thanks, just feel I am very black and white about the subject and sometimes wonder if I'm just being narrow minded and neive, I have never cheated when in a serious relationship, a close friend was cheated on by exp a while ago, exp is still with other person but it has really made me think about things, and due the friend's reactions I'm questioning my own thoughts on such a matter.

OP posts:

JoandMax · 25/02/2017 07:25

I think cheating isn't ok at all but in some cases understandable. As in Gertrude's post there's a reason, not an excuse. It doesn't mean it's ok and I agree with it but in that case I do understand how it can happen. And I'm very sorry for what happened to your Gertrude x

My friend has cheated once on her DH, it was during a terrible time in their lives for a lot of reasons. She went out and got blind drunk and had a one night stand. Instant regret and shame and sadness from her, I don't agree with it but I do have sympathy for her and I can see how it happened. I don't judge her or think any less of her, she's human and made a huge mistake. For what it's worth she told her husband straightaway, he was obviously devastated but they worked through it and 10+ years later are very happy.

Full blown affairs that last months I have no understanding for and absolutely could not forgive. But a one off mistake?? I think I probably could.........

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 07:32

It's understandable sometimes, but IMO it's never the right choice. It damages the person who resorts to it, as well as the people they are deceiving (and sometimes that is not just their partner/spouse).

The exception is where there's an equal agreement to accept that it's not a monogamous relationship (although I think it's possible that there's co-ercion involved in that agreements sometimes)

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 07:37

I disagree that the person who have been cheated on necessarily 'loves' the cheater or is 'an innocent party" (terms that some of you have used to describe them)

But I don't think infidelity is the answer to that lack of real care from the partner. It muddies the moral waters and makes the cheater appear/feel as guilty. If not right away, then later

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 07:42

.... BTW, I realise that many of you on here have been cheated on by partners you did love and care for. I am very sorry about that. Above I was talking about situations where the deceived person is not loving

TataEsNC · 25/02/2017 08:15

i was in a relationship were my ex cheated on me a lot and i knew tho he denied it.
i turned a blind eye to it cos the relationship was rewarding in other ways, and i felt fairly secure knowing he didn't really love me as i didn't really love him either.
i also knew we wouldn't be together forever, i didn't want to marry him or have kids with him.
it's quite unconventional but we are actually still friends 10years on and he admits now he cheated and it was a jackass thing to do, but he was young and dumb.

i honestly think people are more entitled than ever. they 'deserve' happiness/sex/excitement etc and fuck the cost. people think relationships should be easy and perfect all the time and are unwilling to work on them when things get tough. marriage seems far more disposable these days. if it gets tough, people bail.

NotJanine · 25/02/2017 08:30

I find that calling an affair a mistake and saying things like 'we all make mistakes' quite offensive, selfish and refusing to be accountable for behaviour.

I wouldn't be friends with someone having an affair

justabout2016 · 25/02/2017 08:41

I posted about this in on another thread recently. As someone who had an affair I think I'm drawn to these threads.

My situation was that I was emotionally unstable, and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I was desperately unhappy and he wouldn't let me leave. Sounds ridiculous I know, but I felt trapped. Couldn't have my own bank account, email address, and he controlled all the decisions - Financial and otherwise. I resorted to a myriad of ways to block it out. Some harmful, some not so much. I had to lie about meeting a friend for coffee. He wanted to be my everything.

For many reasons I had an affair. I'll regret for the rest of my life the damage and hurt I caused my partner. The guilt lives with me daily and I'll never be the person I was.

I also had a complete breakdown afterwards, and now have sometimes crippling anxiety, which I never had before.

But I don't blame the man I had the affair with. It was my fault, my (wrong!) choice to have the affair. My fault my partner was hurt. The other man had his own reasons for the affair, but he wasn't responsible for my partner's hurt.

It doesn't make it right. I guess my affair enabled me to leave.

NotYoda · 25/02/2017 08:48

Justabout

I understand

It sounds to me as if you need to forgive yourself.

nousernamehere · 25/02/2017 08:50

I don't think it's ever ok. But I do think sometimes there are reasons that it happens.

I know a fair few people (male and female) who have had either ONS or longer term affairs .. it's amazing what people tell you when they know your own situation and I think now that they are, for whatever reason something which lots of people do.

I never thought I would understand why/how people did this. But my marriage fell apart. No sex, no kissing, no hugging for 6 years. I tried to leave but h held me over a barrel financially and everyone loves him so I had no support. I think when you have that level of unhappiness and feel so trapped it's easy for someone giving you attention to catch your interest. I'm not proud of what happened.. I guess my reason is it was the only way I could at the time see myself having any happiness. He gave me the confidence to leave and finally start living a life where I'm happy.

ShootFruit · 25/02/2017 09:56

Justabout that's the difference you are sorry and understand the damage. I can also understand the damage you ex caused by the abuse. I had that too

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