Is infidelitiy ever ok?

[User7889]

Just as subject really? I'm trying to make sense of a situation but can't get my head round it wondering if anyone can think of any circumstances that make it ok, thanks

Justabout

I think an affair can be a mistake and an error of judgement can be an explanation for why it happened, but never an excuse. Frankly, it's not a mistake I can see myself ever making, and I've made plenty others.
The vast majority of affairs do not happen in abusive contexts or due to MH issues, they happen because the shine of first love has worn off/entitled behaviour/boredome in a LTR/dysfunctional communication in a LTR/midlife crisis etc etc - all v boring and mundane reasons.
And I would argue, the vast majority of adulterers have full capacity to make the decision to cheat (or not) and do it because they can, consequences/hurt be damned.

Also, IME what people often regret is that they were caught, not that they did it in the first place

Pacific I'm not sure I agree.

The only time I would have been tempted is when I was in an abusive relationship. I might have enjoyed the comfort etc

In the end I escaped but honestly I might have trodden that path if it had presented itself.

i used to say that I wouldn't let a one off mistake destroy my marriage and I didn't but 5 years of it later he's gone. It depends how much of it you can tolerate, it's never just once in my experience.

Oh no, I agree with you there: I think being in an abusive relationship is an entirely different kettle of fish. Your sense of self is skewed, your ability to judge 'normal' is affected and thinking can be a bit disordered/not entirely rational. I'd accept an abuse survivor as an exception.

But - the vast majority of affairs are not committed by victims of DV.

It depends on who you are and what you expect. DS1's Dad had an affair while I was pregnant. We continued our relationship for a few months more but I couldn't get past the absolute mistrust and hurt. It coloured everything he said and did til I found myself going a little crazy with it all.

I don't think it's ever 'ok' really. It's a case of what you can get over, what you can tolerate. I couldn't get over it or tolerate it. Others can. DH's friend from Uni has a lovely wife and DCs, but had a long-term affair with a woman they were both friends with. His wife found out and accepted it, believing that destroying her DCs family setup wasn't an option. She knows he continues to have affairs, he knows she knows, neither of them speaks of it and they live a nice life to the untrained eye. But on nights out when they've had a few drinks they dig and niggle at one another in a way that is hugely uncomfortable. Which proves that even when it is "ok", it really isn't underneath.

Pacific I don't think it's even that. When you are being abused if someone shows you care and affection and support i can see how that would be very attractive. Real life support (in any guise) when you are being emotionally or physically abused is very very comforting.

I would judge anyone in that situation or someone who happens to have fallen in love with someone else. That happens too. Serial cheaters like the pp just wrote about are a different breed.

I meant wouldn't judge

jeaux, I actually think we are agreeing with each other - an abused person will of course find any level of kindness/love/respect very very comforting. And no, I would not judge either under those circumstances.

"Fallen in love?" - Nope, I don't accept that. Yes, it does happen, then you tell the person you are with, end that relationship before you embark on another one.

I suspect reading on here, an affair gives you the push you needed to get out of a failed relationship. I suspect men can compartmentalize more.

Thing is, although I called it EA, I worry that I'm exaggerating that to make myself feel better about the affair. He certainly doesn't think he was. He said he gave me everything / worked hard for us / was everything, and this is how I repay him. I have some fantastic friends who understood and stood by me - as did family. But he's seen as such a nice guy, he's certainly never admitted to any wrong doing. And maybe he didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it's massive exaggeration in my head to attempt to justify my actions to myself.

I still look for forgiveness several years on. Tiptoe around him and have the kids on his days if he's going out, all the time looking for forgiveness. I don't think we would work together. We've both moved on.

Apologies this is very rambly!! I don't recommend an affair. I'll never, ever do it again. It screws everybody up - not least of all yourself. If I could turn back time I would.

Short answer to the question - "is infidelity ever ok?" I guess is "no!"

Justabout. Forgive yourself. Guilt is a pointless emotion.

It does sound like he was controlling but equally only you know if you really could have left or not.

Either way it's done. Stop tip toeing around him. Xxx

Personally I think there are justifications but not in every scenario. It's not black and white

Justabout

Well if it was EA he's hardly likely to admit it, is he? Doesn't mean anything.
In fact, if it was, of course he's going to load on the blame.

The main thing is that you left

It has been put to me by my GP, a divorce lawyer I was consulting to check my options if I divorced (live abroad so complicated) and two separate psychologists that I could have an affair. All know the exact details of my marriage, which I won't go into online, but simplistically is that I am married to a very lovely man who is asexual (who it turned out pretty much faked sexual interest before marriage) and for a number of complex reasons cannot get divorced right now (think visa requirements etc).

I have asked to be allowed to take a lover, he won't accept. I cannot betray him - I love him. A lover and husband is also not my dream relationship setup.

But sometimes I wish I could have an affair. To be held, to not feel completely undesirable and physically rejected and useless. To feel a body next to mine that wants me and mine.

But then I think that aside from my personal reasons not to, everybody would judge me when someone finds out, and like the OP who distances herself from cheaters, I'd be ostracized. That makes me very sad, because by the time i am able to divorce, I'll have barely had sex for my entire 30s, but nobody knows.

So don't judge cheaters. Sometimes, not always of course, there may be a very good reason, and the "cheated on" partner is unlikely to ever tell you what it is.

Loving Tiger's description. Sounds very much like stbxh "accident" a year into our marriage. Him sobbing: "it was an accident" Me "wtf did you fall over and your penis slip into her?" I was young, forgave him ( I admit was also embarrassed at failing after only 1 year) and genuinely thought we grew stronger for it. I honestly thought we were indestructible up until 2years ago. Mug.

I think your situation is sad, prenom. I think it is a good example of how the situation is not always as black and white as it sometimes appears on here.

I hope you get divorced in the future and meet someone with whom you can enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship.