Our relationship with adult dd....

[User1958]

I'm totally at my wits end with our 20 year old dd and unsure how to handle the situation.
I'll try not to drip feed and keep the story as fact based as possible.
I have a very troubled relationship with my dd. I have always found her a difficult child to parent. She is very combative and complex but we always had a good relationship until she hit her teens. Things just went from bad to worse.
It culminated in dd going to stay with her grandparents on her 17tg birthday and completing her a levels while with them.
We haven't really been able to repair things since then and progress is made but never retained and we're back to square one.
For example two days ago I missed a call from dd while I was at the gym and it resulted in her blowing up the phone - 84 missed calls and at least 20 messages - calling me a cunt and every other profanity you can think of.
Dd said she was justified because I've ruined her life and that she wants to 'put me on probation as a parent' and I have to apologize for everything I've done to her in the past and prove my worth to her. She won't tell me what I have to do- it has to be independent thought on my part but she will be waiting.
If I don't do these things dd wants to go nc. Which to be honest isn't far off where we've been but would hopefully be minus the abuse.
Dd has history of false declarations to friends about being neglected and unloved at home, it's something she's done quite a lot I think for attention & sympathy. it's caused us some problems in the past and we'd been ostracized from some members of our local community.
I'm not sure how to proceed and if I'm honest I'm a bit scared of her.
Wwyd. Any advice gratefully received.

Something has gone very wrong somewhere OP and now you are caught in an abusive cycle. I do wonder about the vagueness in that she left to stay with her GP's when she was 17.

TBH - sounds like you are saying and doing the right things. But even though she is your DD, she has no right to emotionally abuse you in this way. This is anger - pure and simple. She is in a rage and is lashing out.

Create the boundary and then enforce it. Comms by post sounds a good alternative. Letting her know you love her and will always be there. But equally not tolerating the verbal abuse.

My own background was utterly horrendous. Psychologically and emotionally abusive by both parents. I went NC with parents in September over their appalling treatment of DB and their behaviour towards me now as an adult.

Abusive parents don't stop just because their kids grows up.

Trouble is, I have children and have refused them access because they are very poor role models. They are now stalking, harassing me and hacking my social media sites and even work inbox. Police are involved.

I think one of the problems is that it took an amount of maturity to see my own background was abusive. Your DD is feeling the anger but probably isn't really sure why. She just feels there is something wrong.

Yes she needs help but that has to come from her.

The thing is- I know she misses me and wants me in her life. Unfortunately though, she wants it to be on her terms and if I don't respond the way she wants me too then she unleashes on me and says terrible things.
You've all given me good advice but I'm afraid family therapy or even individual counseling for dd isn't possible - I've tried - but I will continue to try.
My biggest issue now is
Should I agree to her terms so I can keep in contact with her?

No OP. Her terms are unfair.

I'm bothered by how controlling she is being. Unless she feels she has no power herself? Anxiety maybe?

There has to be a middle ground, surely?

Dd just recently told me that she suffers terribly from anxiety attacks.
I'm not sure if that's true though as she has also told separate members of the family that she has been diagnosed bipolar and others that she's not.
However....
Anxiety can be a learned behaviour and it is something I have struggled with at times so it wouldn't be a stretch and she's definitely depressed and they're quite connected.
Dd also smokes pot which I know isn't helpful.
The thing is she wants us around but she doesn't value us when we're present iyswim
She exposed her 9 yr old sis to pot smoking and inappropriate films etc at her apartment and thought it was "funny".
She just doesn't extend kindness to us in anyway.
She is very entitled and selfish towards us

You have one troubled young lady there OP, she definitely needs assessed as she clearly has mental health issues; I'd be angry too if I was told I was too much and taken away from my siblings to be raised by my grandparents, her anger is justified in that respect.

I think she is punishing you for what she perceives as neglect whilst she lived with you and this may take years and years for her to get over and make peace with you. I guess all you can do is keep telling her you love her but no, I wouldn't give in to unrealistic demands from her.

She's only just came out of her teenage years so is still very young and very vulnerable. It must be hard but all you can do is support her as much as you have been.

Ahh OP

She is very entitled and selfish towards us sad

I am sure my M would say the same thing about me. Because I enforce a boundary and she can't deal with it.

As^ says. She is still very young. technically and adult but, she is mentally still a child.

Sounds very much like a close family member of mine who has borderline personality disorder. You can't reason with them as they live in their own version of reality and they won't take any responsibility for their actions, like your dd. It's a horrible awful situation so I feel for you but unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, she has to seek help herself and acknowledge there is a problem. Acknowledging and validating her feelings whilst setting boundaries to protect yourself is how I have approached this. Read the book "walking on eggshells", it may ring some bells. Good luck.

As^ says. She is still very young. technically and adult but, she is mentally still a child

Ah I missed this - does the OPS DD have moderate /severe learning difficulties ?

Adora-
When dd was 17 we sent her too her grandparents for the summer so we all thought. Of course there was a huge back story of behavioral issues that took us to that point and dh and I were desperate. Dd then resolved to stay at her dgp and registered herself st the local school even though we'd actually paid already the £18.000 for her schooling here with us. It was her way of teaching us a lesson.
Now she feels abandoned because we didn't do enough to get her back home.
Kristina-
Dd isn't diagnosed with anything- I have had her evaluated when she was younger as academically she struggled with some subjects but there was never any diagnoses to which the teachers were surprised.
At one point I suspected dispraxia - one school year she lost 12 pairs of her glasses??

7feathers

I know what you're saying. I hesitate to say anything that may sound negative towards my dd because I love her. But also I know how avoidant parents can be to acknowledge their responsibility. I'm not trying to cop out. I'm very much self reflective and aware of my short comings as a parent and as a person.

If she gets help, she may be afraid of what it will mean if she has to revert on any of her declarations about her childhood neglect that she has told others. There will be a fear of being exposed so she's fighting against that possibility, and that explains her wanting to reconcile on her terms only with you "admitting" to everything.

I doubt she knows exactly what she is angry about. You have become the focus, probably because of something small-medium you did at some point - but that thing is not necessarily something that you deserve this level of terrible treatment for.

But without you as the focus, it's just quite a scary unknown for her (much worse than it being a real living, breathing person who she can throw poison arrows at) and becomes this amorphous "thing" in her life that would probably cause her to self harm - so you HAVE to be the focus for her own sanity and survival - if you see what I mean?

The longer you stay around to be the subject of her anger, the more chance you give her to imbed it in you. If you remove yourself with tangible promises to work things through with her via professional steps when she is ready, she will be alone with the feeling again and eventually... and that's quite a long time eventually, realise that it is within her and she needs help, rather than it being within you.

OP - it does sound as if you are being self-reflective.

Can I ask, was she boarding at the public school?

I'm a teacher at a boarding school BTW

OP can I ask at what age "troubles: started with her?

You know OP, its impossible to give advice without knowing both you and your daughter.

It sounds horrible for you though.

If you have genuinely (hand on heart) been a good-enough parent, I think she clearly has MH issues.

Interestingly when your DD gave you the text finger about GCSE result, what happened? A normal parent would go "ape" at that (I would anyway). So either appalling behaviour has been normalised by zero respect or boundaries, or your DD has serious mental health issues.
Which is it?

If its the latter, you are in a difficult position/situation. But you do have the right to protect yourself.

7feathers-
No, dd was never a boarder - just a day pupil.

In the mood-
TBH we always had concerns. But we were quite young parents and didn't have any family around us to sound out or get advice or another perspective.
I think this is where my own lack of duty played in- I feel on reflection that I buried my head in the sand and denied any problem.
Dd always displayed a preference for other people iyswim everyone had better holidays than us nicer homes more fun. If anyone complimented me on anything dd would always retort with a put down of me even at a young age.
when she was about 9 she was told off about something and her response was to sneak out. We had just moved to a new town and she'd just started a new school- we called the police after about 30 minutes as I was just frantic. Turned out she was 3 miles away at a girls from schools home who she'd only just met. All the neighbours were out searching for her.
Dd wasn't concerned At all and was quite proud I remember.

Sireal -

This is my problem-

Dd doesn't acknowledge any of her behaviour as extreme or even bad. Unfortunately she has so little respect for me that it means nothing to her.
My mil thinks that we tried to hard- that dd thinks she can do what she wants and get what she want regardless of how she behaves. That has been true until the last couple of years where dh and I are trying to put firmer boundaries in but this has led to dd escalating the nasty messages- emails & namecalling.
Once when she was 16 I asked her if she'd forgotten it was my birthday?
She replied,
" no, I've not forgotten. Why the fuck should I get you anything , you don't deserve fuck all".
She then walked out the room. 2 days before I know she'd bought a new boy at school a £40 jumper as his birthday present. I know that because dd was complaining to me about it because he was offended that she was saying he needed fashion advice.
She said she thought he should be more gracious.

Daughter or not, there's a point where you have to cut your losses and protect yourself and the rest of your family, and I would say you're more than past that.

Oh and sorry sireal -
To answer your question-

I think both.
A lack of firm boundaries and a normalization of bad behaviour and possibly dd having mh issues.

Once when she was 16 I asked her if she'd forgotten it was my birthday?
She replied,
" no, I've not forgotten. Why the fuck should I get you anything , you don't deserve fuck all"

But you see thats not normal or acceptable on any level, wouldn't you agree? So have you been a doormat? Or has she got MH issues? Or both? Its really hard to tell from here. I just hope you find the clarity (and boundaries) that you need from hereon in.

Sorry, User 1958, just seen your further post.

She can still be your daughter. You can still love her. But you have a right to look after yourself too. Boundaries later is better than none at all. Difficult but possible.

If she won't accept help then For your own sanity leave her to her own devices for a bit.

I sympathize Op. I have a family member like this. I suspect she has Npd. We've gone no contact for our own sake.

There's not much point going over what happened, when, and what might have caused it. The fact is she is highly abusive. You would probably have called the police a long time ago if she was not your daughter. While it's obvious you want to have a normal healthy relationship with her, it's obvious that she doesn't. She simply wants to abuse you.

Her threats to damage your career and her lack of empathy are really concerning. I would go no contact, change your number and report any further harrasment to the police. Your younger daughter also needs protecting from her and needs to be shown it's not normal to tolerate such abuse from anybody.

I know it's hard and I know you don't want to reinforce her beliefs that you don't care about her, but really, this has gone way too far. The kind thing to do here is to teach her that abusing people is unacceptable and has consequences. You can love her from a distance.

Regarding your question OP about meeting her demands - no, I think you need to step back to protect yourself and your other DC from her. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear
Her behaviour is abusive and it is not fair on you or your other family members to go through this/see you continue to take this. I think you have a very painful path ahead but in the long term it may help. Maybe you need to step back and let her make her mistakes alone - she will either continue to resent you and blame you (in which case you lose nothing) or she may come to a new realisation.
Best wishes; it's so difficult when you can't help another person. Xx

Putting aside all her other issues, I think you need to take seriously the possibility that you didn't meet her emotional needs growing up, and that some of her claims about her childhood are valid. If you were finding her consistently difficult to parent when she was young then you probably weren't tuned into her in the way she needed.

I am no expert whatsoever but (unfortunately) I had to do a lot of reading
and it sounds like the type of behaviour and MH issues of attachment disorder. But then again you said she got assessed earlier on (primary years I guess as you mentioned teacher was surprised)

There must be a way to get her to see someone. Again no experience in this but there are such things as rising a safeguarding alert.

My thoughts are that if you go NC I would have the same concerns as when a woman leave an abusive relationship. The following days being the most dangerous, if that makes sense.