Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me stay strong

46 replies

tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 21:23

Ive been suggested this site by a lovely lady at the samaritans and just came hoping to chat really
Im at my total wits end with an awful relationship im in and cant seem to find the strength to end it. He said its over earlier put me through absolute hell all day with the nasty msgs about what an awful person i am then called back later like nothing had happened all i love you blah blah i couldnt even speak to him i was so angry.
I want to just say you said its over thats fine why are you still contacting me but its not that easy theres so much gone on that has changed me from the confident person i once was to an absolute shell where i dont trust my own judgement or know which ways up or down. I realise i might sound pathetic but im really struggling and hoped someone might want to chat or this might be a place i could come to to feel strong again as really am at rock bottom right now Sad

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/02/2017 21:33

Hello trying. Does he do that all the time. Abuse you then act like it's all ok?

You sound like you are on the edge of making the best decision of your life to me. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard.

Many of us have though and never looked back.

Keep talking. What's confusing you?

Livelovebehappy · 20/02/2017 21:37

It sounds like he's being emotionally abusive to you OP, and it's so hard when someone has chipped away at your self esteem so long, that you just accept it as you start to believe you don't deserve anything better. He sounds awful. You need to detach from him - do you live with him?

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 21:41

Yeah all the time then sometimes just hours later like today just calls up like nothings happened n if i dare mention it he says just drop it everythings fine
I dont get it at all i didnt even do anything today i spoke to him this morning was fine by lunchtime he was screaming his head off at me saying some awful stuff then i got all the goodbye youre not the person for me messages telling me to fuck off and never contact him again.... then hrs later like nothing has happened, no explanation no apology just yeah everythings fine so drop it else he would put phone down
Some of the stuff he says when hes in that mood is just so awful it stays with me for a long time but im never allowed to mention it else he kicks off again .... feel like im meant to be a robot with no feelings just an emotional punch bag
If it all sounds really petty im sorry theres so much to go into really nasty head fuck stuff i just dont get it at all how someone is that cruel to someone they say they love
My day out with my children was ruined today because of him i had a huge panic attack n had to come home then he phones up hrs later pretending nothing happened?
It just doesnt compute in my head and its bit by bit changed me so much theres not much of me left now

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 21:42

No i dont live with him so i know that makes it alot easier to just go dont contact me again etc but its not that easy and im embarrassed and so gutted with myself that i cant seem to find the strength

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/02/2017 21:44

Ok luv look he is abusive and he has conditioned you into behaving in a certain way. You do need to break up as this is soooooooooooo not normal and you know it.

You deserve to be living a happy life with your children.

Do you have kids together? Live together?

RandomMess · 20/02/2017 21:44

Well you could send one text "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you please do not contact me again" then block his number from your phone so no matter what he can't text or ring you?

Would that help make it easier?

jeaux90 · 20/02/2017 21:46

Cross post. Ok look we all know it sounds easy on paper but it's hard. But you can do this. I have and lots of other people on here have too.

Ask yourself something. Is this a man you want around your kids? If your child was in this situation what advice would you give him or her?

Angryangryyoungwoman · 20/02/2017 21:49

Block his number or change yours if you can't do that. Does he know where you live?

Trustyourself2 · 20/02/2017 21:49

You've called Samaritans and now you're here talking to us. Keep coming back here when you need to. There'll always be people who will chat and help you.

You know that you cannot continue to let him destroy you. You don't have to live this way. If you're fearful of the future without this relationship, that's understandable, so many of us have experienced that, but we've come through it and are still here living much better lives.

Think about having counselling and seeing your GP to discuss your situation. They will help you to move on.

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 21:53

No we dont have kids together.... like i said i was afraid of coming here as i just sound pathetic because to everyone else the answer must seem so easy but it doesnt seem it
I do so much to try and make him happy all i want is a bit of kindness back but its just like sport to him kicking me then pretending it didnt happen sometimes he even point blank lies and tells me it didnt happen its crazy making id never treat him or anyone else this way hes on about us living together having a baby one min then the next im dumped he never wants to see me again and bk n forth its so mentally draining and he will never ever let me have the what the hell happened earlier conversation its just brushed under the carpet with the threat of if i mention it he will kick off again
I cant even speak to my friends they all hate him as theyve seen the change in me in the past few yrs he slags them off to ( hes prob met them for 10 min or so ) and tells me they are all plastic friends and not real friends as they dont bother with me like his friends do .... i dont know what to believe anymore :(

OP posts:
Angryangryyoungwoman · 20/02/2017 22:00

You need to take control. Does he know where you live?

Teabay · 20/02/2017 22:01

Have you had a kind relationship before him?

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:01

Yeah he stays here twice a week or so

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:03

No my ex husband was violent and had affairs.... he knows this and uses it as i see im not as bad as him ive never hit you... tbh i think is rather be hit than the vile mind games and emotional torture

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/02/2017 22:04

You do know. Read your own posts back.

He is abusing you. You said it on your posts.

What you are more likely feeling is sadness because the person he pretended he was at the beginning isn't real. He was lying to you. That person is actually a card carrying abusive bastard. You would never let that person live with you and your kids.

Now how do you think you could finish it?

Angryangryyoungwoman · 20/02/2017 22:04

OK, so tell him he is not welcome any more via text so you have evidence. Then, if he turns up, call the police. Block his number or change yours. Take control. You don't need to continue with this.

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:11

I dont know how to finish it i feel so messed up half of me wants to say forget the bullshit everythings alright call tonight ill go with ur original idea that we are over but deep down thats not what i want i just want him to be nicer and all these yrs desperatley trying to please him to not be for nothing
That in itself is so hard to accept and i think maybe thats what keeps me there hoping pathetically some lightbulb will go off and he will see how much i do for him and treat me with some respect

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:14

I used to be a strong person im sorry if i come across as so pathetic i feel it theres so much to tell everyday theres another mind game or nasty comment to the point i dont feel strong enough to do anything anymore im just mentally cowering in the corner hoping it will stop or he will have some kind of concience

OP posts:
Angryangryyoungwoman · 20/02/2017 22:17

He won't. And actually, it doesn't matter if he does. You don't need his approval. You don't need anything from him. You deserve more.
End it as described above. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:27

Thanks ive just been reading it

OP posts:
SoIReallyNeedHelp · 20/02/2017 22:33

TryingToBeStrong - I totally get where you are coming from and am in a similar situation myself - although a bit further down the track.

I think it's true that no contact is the only way but for me I can't seem to manage it - when he gets in touch.

(My thread here if you are interested www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2859314-So-I-Really-Need-Help-to-end-this-addiction? )

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:41

Thank you soireallyneedhelp i will read this now

OP posts:
AshesandDust · 20/02/2017 22:46

You're not pathetic, OP, you're mentally chained to an abuser.

He won't change - he's like those conmen who tell people they've
won millions of £££ on a lottery they didn't enter...only they need to pay
a fee up front to release the £millions. So people pay up again and again
in the hopes of getting what they were promised - some people sell their
homes and even their furniture to pay the never ending fees.
It's the same with your abuser, you'll never finish paying him ...he'll string
you along for years and years on a false promise of having a happy ending.
You're worth so much more than he can ever promise you. Flowers

Original poster
tryingtobestrong33 · 20/02/2017 22:54

Ashes this really struck a chord... thats what i feel like the constant maybe if i do this ( more and more each time ) it will be the thing that makes him be nice to me.... it never happens
I feel at rock bottom tonight i dont know if im gutted or i despise him both i guess but hate myself too that im not strong enough to tell him a few home truths about what a nasty bully he is

OP posts: