please help me stay strong

[tryingtobestrong33]

Ive been suggested this site by a lovely lady at the samaritans and just came hoping to chat really
Im at my total wits end with an awful relationship im in and cant seem to find the strength to end it. He said its over earlier put me through absolute hell all day with the nasty msgs about what an awful person i am then called back later like nothing had happened all i love you blah blah i couldnt even speak to him i was so angry.
I want to just say you said its over thats fine why are you still contacting me but its not that easy theres so much gone on that has changed me from the confident person i once was to an absolute shell where i dont trust my own judgement or know which ways up or down. I realise i might sound pathetic but im really struggling and hoped someone might want to chat or this might be a place i could come to to feel strong again as really am at rock bottom right now

Don't waste your energy on telling him he's an asshole he won't believe you anyway. They never realise what they are doing is wrong. They never change. Don't waster one more minute of your or your kids lives with him.

The best thing you can do is tell him it's over and block him. If he comes to your house tell him to leave or you'll call the police.

I wish i had the strength to do this i dont know why i dont feel strong enough

Baby steps, one thing at a time, OP. Try not to look too far ahead,
have a good sleep tonight and tomorrow do just one thing - block him.
And come on here for advice and to get your batteries charged.

He beats you down emotionally, makes you feel not good enough, weak, unlovable, then he brushes your feelings casually aside. It's a very calculated way of controlling you (although he may not consciously have considered this, he just likes hurting you). You then crave forgiveness for whatever perceived faults he's made you believe of yourself, & are irrationally, disproportionately grateful when he resumes being even slightly nice.

He's basically making you do the "pick me dance", only there's no OW involved. My XP was similar although his tactics were slightly different. It took me several years to recognise his behaviour for what it was, & come to terms with how appallingly he'd treated me.

Block the bastard. It will be scary as you're emotionally dependant on him for your self esteem, but you'll feel so much better when you've done it.

His behaviour is crazy making but abusers switch to nice mode when they feel they are losing you so that is why you are hookedoing.

When you realise it deliberate behaviour you will start to feel more in control.He knows what he is doing, each time pushing your boundaries so that you are weaker.
I bet he is sleeping well tonight not worrying like you are.

For your children find the strength to leave him.No good can come from this relationship.

Thank you for your replies i really do feel at rock bottom tonight im sure hes having a laugh with his friends with not a care in the world for me and what hes put me through
I dont trust my own judgement anymore thats why it helps to come on here
He says my friends hate me thats why i dont see them anymore ( this is probably untrue they just hate him )
He says my ex couldnt cope with me thats why he had an affair ( but he had ones before me i have since found out )
He says if i leave him no one will bother with me as i had some friends and now they dont ( some hate him and are fed up with hearing me moan 1 really old friend i thought id never loose raped me a couple of months back and thats why i dont see him anymore but im told on a daily basis its coz everyone thinks the same as him ) on my darker days its really easy to believe hes right
I know that sounds so pathetic im sorry

I read my msgs back and feel so pathetic i dont want to be this person anymore just trying to give a bit of background as to why i dont trust myself or dont know if its even him the problem or me as other people i trust have used it against me

You say your friends detest him. That can work in your favour. Are there any of them you can confide in and ask for their help in keeping you strong? Tell them you realize that he is horrible and abusive and that you want out, but you just keep allowing him to drag you back in. In their situation, if a friend asked for my support I'd have no problem in supporting them any way I could. Keeping them busy, being a 'sounding board', reminding them how worthwhile they are and that they deserve respect. I've been on 'your side' of that fence and my friends were invaluable in giving me the support and courage to end an abusive marriage.

As for what you can do, you really need to get him 'out' of your head and life. Men like him thrive on humiliating and torturing women. They MUST have a victim at all times and don't let go easily because they know that victims aren't always easy to find, so expect to have to work to get him out of your life. Start by blocking him, just for an hour. At the end of the hour, if you can't stand it, unblock. Repeat the next day. Then a couple of days later, block him for 2 hours, then 3 hours.. You see where I'm heading. Write down the horrible way he makes you feel and some of the things he's done and said to hurt you. Keep it with you at all times. When you're tempted to call him or answer his calls, touch that piece of paper or read some of the things out.

Above all, seek counseling. It can be an invaluable help. It took me 18 months worth to finally get my head on straight and begin to trust and, more importantly, to be able to see a good man from a rat bastard.

You are worthy. You deserve respect. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And you will have these things, it will just take time, effort, determination, and support.

Thank you so much for your message acrossthepond..... i was thinking this earlier as i havent got the strength to straight off say get out of my life never speak to me again what baby steps could i make to try and make myself feel stronger every day.... he hardly ever msgs me i do all the running but i never ever dont answer his calls ive been to scared of the repurcusions not to .... maybe tomorrow if he bothers ringing i wont answer and i wont contact him its hard as i know on the 1st missed call if i dont phone back ill get a barrage of abuse n threats but ill try.... expect to see me on here alot tomorrow! I hope i dont annoy you nice ladies like he says i annoy everyone

Keep reminding yourself that if you really were as awful as he says, he wouldn't bother with you either. So actually, you can see it's not true - your partner is just a wanker who likes emotionally abusing you, he probably gets off on it, it makes him feel strong & in control. Take back the control. You will probably feel weird, lost, for a day or two, you absolutely must resist! Get someone to stay with you if necessary, or can you book a few days away, I had my family luckily or I'd probably have cracked, I still felt crap & weird for a few days, almost like a bereavement, even though he was a really nasty piece of work.

I cant get away anywhere im stuck in the house with my kids... ive started making a diary in the notes on my phone ( so always with me ) today being the 1st day of what hes said/done to upset me as when its daily it just becomes the norm and all blurs into one
I hope to use this in the next few days if he calls to be strong enough not to answer hopefully i can come on here and chat too i think the next few days are going to be the hardest ever

The phone/diary is a good idea. If you can't get out of the house, are there things there to keep you busy? Besides the 'normal' hustle bustle of kids, I mean. A closet needing to be cleaned? Mending you've put off? How are those dust bunnies under the bed?

Set yourself a few 'chores' and if you find yourself weakening, pick one and set a timer for 30 minutes. Tell yourself that you will stick to that task for no less than that 30 minutes and see if the feeling goes away. I used to do this when I was dieting and wanted to 'cheat'. Most of the time at the end of the 30, I was 'over it'.

I will try.... im getting through each night atm with a bottle of wine a packet of fags n the hope of a nice ( or not nasty call before bed ) tonights the 1st night in a very long time weve not spoken before bed even if were arguing
I havent blocked him yet as tbh he hasnt even bothered to try make contact ive removed my time thing on whatssap though where we normally msg so i can still see if anyone else msgs me but dont have to read his if he ever bothers sending one and he cant see ive been online
Sounds pathetic/childish but i just feel like hiding atm i have no idea what to say if he does try and make contact and cant be bothered with the grief if he can see im ignoring him

Trying whilst you are gaining strength and taking those steps (not answering the phone is good and flick the bird at the phone when he does call ) you need to look after yourself.

My advice is take it easy with the booze (it disturbs your sleep) try and be kind to yourself (nice bath and a movie) and do try and get some sleep.

Things always seem a little better when you are nice to yourself and are less tired.

I hope today is a good day. A day when you say no to him and yes to yourself and a future without this giant asshole of a man xxx

Keep reading the relationship board. I found that it explained so many things to me. It has shone a light into the dark corners of my life. It's a little step that helps. You'll take action when you are ready. And to be honest it sounds like you are better placed to take action than most as you don't live together or have kids together.

Have you ever had contact with Womens Aid before?
If not then do call them 0808 2000 247. With so much DV around they are busy but keep trying.
They will be able to put in touch with local support services for victims of DV.
You mention a rape as well.
No wonder you are feeling so low.
Please do contact rape crisis. You can't just brush it under the carpet.
You need to acknowledge it and move forward. Rape Crisis can help you with that.
Get support around you as quickly as you can.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much.
I can't possibly know what you are going through.
But keep putting one foot in front of the other for now.
for you.

I have spoken to womens aid once yes i didnt find the lady very helpful at all she spent 5 min going through a questionnaire with me and the rest of the hour telling me her horror tales about her ex husband....
Hes tried to call a couple of times this morning i havent answered which is a big thing for me i will try and keep it up
Just feel so exhausted today i havent really been eating or sleeping and drinking too much wine tonight i will try and have a proper meal and proper sleep

Did you meet him when you were very young, OP?
The things he does are the same things that are done
to grooming victims - it's the same methods they employ
to keep their victims too terrified to leave.

I'm not assuming but just in case:
PM me if you you'd like contact details of a group
that is by and for women/girls who have been groomed.

You do know you are in an abusive relationship, I know it's become the norm for you but just keep reminding yourself of how fucked up this all is.

You do not live together, you are not financially dependant and have no kids with him so now's the time to end it OP; otherwise you are allowing another human being to dictate your life, who you can be friends with, putting you down, making you feel miserable - none of that is normal - all you are doing is enabling him to carry on abusing you because he's not right in the head; he never will be, he enjoys using you as his emotional punchbag.

Do you not love yourself enough to tell him to fuck off, what are you scared of?

Surely being single is better than this?

Hi no i was in my late 20s when i met him
Im not sure what im scared of i just feel so weak and broken at the moment

Well done you for not answering the phone! Remember that it's all about the baby steps right now. None of us starts out making giant leaps. So don't say 'just' this or 'only' that. Not answering the phone is in itself a very good thing. Take pride in it.

I think you need to be very careful about using any substance, be it cigs, alcohol, or weed to 'deal' with an emotional situation. It doesn't cure, it only numbs. The situation is still there and is all the harder to deal with for having blunted your emotions in order to 'hide' from it. If you feel you need help in dealing with this, see your GP about temporary medication and counseling until you get a bit further down this road.

Please try to reach out to someone today. A friend or family member?