Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

i think he got me pregnant on purpose

83 replies

SammieSalmon · 18/02/2017 17:27

Im a single mum to a 13 month old hes the love of my life! I split with his dad just before i had him. Dont ask me why but a conversation with him about when/how i got pregnant whilst in the early stages. I remember him saying when he was behind me he took the condom off. We were on holiday and had been drinking. He was laughing but when i look back at the dates around that night was when i got pregnant

OP posts:
Gallavich · 18/02/2017 18:03

saudade why are you being so sceptical about this? Penetration with a penis without consent is rape.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/02/2017 18:03

That's interesting Saud because it amounts to the same thing. Consensual sex but being misled about contraception.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 18:03

I actually read a story a guy once had hiv he had women consented to sex took condom off to on purpose infect them most they got him on was gbh

The issue there was slightly different because he infected them with a life threatening virus.

And perhaps you can show us a link to the story?

On the other hand:

CPS Legal Guidance

'Conditional' Consent
Section 74 has recently been considered by the High Court and the Court of Appeal in a series of cases where ostensible consent in relation to sexual offences was considered not to be true consent, either because a condition upon which consent was given was not complied with or because of a material deception (other than one which falls within section 76 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 [SOA]). The resultant judgments identified three sets of circumstances in which consent to sexual activity might be vitiated where the condition was breached.

In Julian Assange v Swedish Prosecution Authority [2011] EWHC 2849 (Admin), an extradition case, the President of the Queens Bench Division considered the situation in which Mr Assange knew that AA would only consent to sexual intercourse if he used a condom. Rejecting the view that the conclusive presumption in section 76 of the SOA would apply in these circumstances the President concluded that the "issue of materiality ...can be determined under section 74 rather than section 76".

On the specific facts the President said:

"It would plainly be open to a jury to hold that if AA had made clear that she would only consent to sexual intercourse if Mr Assange used a condom, then there would be no consent if, without her consent, he did not use a condom, or removed or tore the condom ..... His conduct in having sexual intercourse without a condom in circumstances where she had made clear she would only have sexual intercourse if he used a condom would therefore amount to an offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003...."

creampinkrose · 18/02/2017 18:03

OP would not have consented to sex without a condom, I assume.

Ergo, to have sex without a condom is sex without consent.

Ergo, that is rape.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/02/2017 18:04

If this is on your mind, I would suggest talking to your ex about it. It was an irresponsible and disrespectful thing to do and I would hope he is full of remorse.

Worse still to laugh about it while drunk. Could he have said it as some sort of immature joke? Confused

I hope he has grown up and is stepping up as a father now?

Gallavich · 18/02/2017 18:05

The fact is that the female body can come to far more harm if penetrated with a penis without consent, than a male body who ejaculates under false beliefs about contraception.
The second is heinous but not equivalent to penetration without consent.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 18:06

Quite frankly, apart from a prison sentence from raping, which he fully deserves, he should also compensate the victim, and that should mean paying the full cost of raising that baby. Including childcare by the OP.

RaisinsAndApple · 18/02/2017 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaisinsAndApple · 18/02/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 18:08

Regarding sentencing, from the same CPS page that I quoted:

Starting Points:
Single offence of rape by single offender: 5 years custody - victim 16 or over
Rape accompanied by aggravating factor: 8 years custody - victim 16 or over

Aggravating factors:
Pregnancy or infection results

TheFirstMrsDV · 18/02/2017 18:09

There was a very depressing post on Mums Advice a few months ago.
A young woman's partner refused to pull out (the method they were using).
She was distraught as she had three children and HE didn't want anymore and nor did she.

He had done this twice in one night.

I was almost a lone voice advising her how wrong this was. So many women telling her she was a silly cow and what did she expect. Men were men and he couldn't help himself and it was her fault if she was pregnant.
I could have cried.
A man came on and told me how dangerous I was. People like me crying rape all over the place and his wife had agreed with him that he couldn't be expected to control himself either.

I fucking despair to see similar sorts of ideas on this thread.

The OP consented to protected sex. Her ex partner had sex with her in a way that she did not consent to.

Its not complicated.

UnbornMortificado · 18/02/2017 18:09

Lweji I remember hearing similar. Although my memory's crap, could of possibly been a soap storyline.

WannaBe · 18/02/2017 18:18

If a man posted here that a woman tricked him into becoming pregnant, while people would agree that it was wrong, they would also state that if he definitively didn't want kids he should have used extra protection.

All the talk of rape aside, (and tbh this trend of someone starting a thread followed by numerous replies from posters saying "you were raped," detracts from the topic under discussion, and isn't really helpful,) the OP presumably was happy to continue the pregnancy as she didn't have a termination at the time, so while there is clearly no doubt that the man is an arsehole if he really did remove a condom, two years on the OP is no longer with him and has a DS who she presumably loves. What exactly do people think should happen? Do people really think that she should go to the police because she ended up with a son who she presumably loves and wouldn't now change the outcome of anyway and is no longer with the father anyway?

And how do you not notice if the man has removed the condom? Even if you don't notice at the time of sex you would surely notice afterwards or at the very least think it had broken?

SaudadeObama · 18/02/2017 18:21

I don't know about the charges others are talking about but one woman in London got 2 years for GBH because she infected men with HIV. I can see that GBH could be argued. The op did consent to sex and penetration but not too the chance of pregnancy. I think in the OPs case the rape/GBH claim would not be clear cut.
I'm not saying it's not wrong, it is very wrong. It's just not as clear cut as the OP now pressing charges on her child's father for rape!

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/5094708.stm

creampinkrose · 18/02/2017 18:22

Removing a condom doesn't just throw up questions of pregnancy but STIs.

SaudadeObama · 18/02/2017 18:23

TheFirstMrsDV in that case I would actually say it's rape. If a woman tells a man to stop and he doesn't, that's rape. Clear cut.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 18:25

Not saying she should press charges.

It sounded like the OP was trying to understand what happened and the implications of it.

Probably not worth pursuing it, if the OP is happy with the baby. But it's an option for her. And I'd definitely mention the possibility to him, particularly if he ever mentioned it again and more so if joking about it. I bet it would wipe the smile off his face.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 18:27

If a woman tells a man to stop and he doesn't, that's rape. Clear cut.

It's also clear cut if there isn't consent before the act.

It's not for the woman to say no. The man should be confident, preferably have specific reassurance, that the woman consents. Look it up.

In this case, he should have asked the OP if she was happy for him to remove the condom.

SaudadeObama · 18/02/2017 18:27

I bet it would wipe the smile off his face.

Yeah, no kidding!

Trainspotting1984 · 18/02/2017 18:28

Please don't be bullied into reporting a rape OP. You have no evidence and it will be awful. I'm not sure what to suggest though- how do you feel about it?

WannaBe · 18/02/2017 18:30

The thing is though that the OP has only just decided to start thinking about it. They had the conversation just after she got pregnant according to the OP, but now she's wondering?

I think that any judge could quite rightly assume that the idea of pressing charges now was born out of some kind of bitterness/revenge following a split rather than actually feeling genuinely violated given the OP now describes her DS as the love of her life.

RaisinsAndApple · 18/02/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ghosttownspecials · 18/02/2017 18:37

Rape? Really? Yes unforgivable behaviour.

NotWeavingButDarning · 18/02/2017 18:37

I don't think anyone's suggested that the OP press charges, let alone tried to bully her into it.

All that's been said is that if this sexual encounter happened as her ex described, then it's really not funny. It's rape.

Not because people here love to tell posters that they've been raped when they come on to ask opinions about questionable sexual encounters. But because that is the law.

RaisinsAndApple · 18/02/2017 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.