DH hurt our daughter

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

She was arguing with her sister and he got frustrated that she wasn't listening to him, so he picked her up roughly to move her away. She has recently broken a bone and the way he picked her up made her shout in pain as he put pressure on the break. I was out of the room less than 2 minutes, it escalated that quickly while I was gone.

I'm livid with him. Can't even speak to him. He has apologised and hugged me, apologised to dd but said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you' which has pissed me off even more.

Where do I go from here? I think if you need to roughly grab/push your child to parent them (bar life threatening situations e.g. Pulling out of traffic) then you're not parenting them, you're just an arsehole.

I also grew up getting the shit kicked out of me by my step-dad so I know I'm always on edge and I have a very negative view of men.

Naicehamshop, I have read the whole thread, and so far from being deliberately "goady" I am simply offering another interpretation of what seems to be, at best, an ambiguous incident. It could be brute force and cruelty on the part of the husband, or it could be a simple mistake. I was and am disturbed at the readiness with which the husband is described as an "arsehole", and interested that the wife cuts herself slack she is not willing to extend to her husband, and then sidesteps an opportunity to discuss that idea. FWIW I abhor the use of violence in any form towards children. As a child I was brutalised by a mother with a personality disorder which left me with a horror of physical punishment. I have three children, and I hit each of the first two once, which made me feel so awful that I never did it again; so if this husband is systematically violent towards his children then the sooner this family seeks help the better. What has nettled me about the tone of this thread is the self-righteous assumption that his behaviour can - and should - be read only one way. Truly, a woman's place is in the right.

sorry to derail going back to belives post

but where do u draw the line-oh he accidentally ht across the face where he went to grab him and now hes got a bruise? ss would be questioning things like that

Strygil - sorry to hear about your awful childhood, but I still don't think you have really read the thread properly.

The OP says that her DH slams doors, gets very angry, and grabs the DC and pulls them apart if they are falling out. Make no mistake, this is a man with issues around violence and control.

There is a huge difference between calmly carefully airlifting a child out of a tricky situation and intentionally roughly moving a child.

If your DH can't calmly deal with normal sibling disputes he should learn to move rooms and calm himself first. He needs to reflect upon the best way to help them resolve things.

Maybe he needs to bond more with the 6year old? Read more about constructive parenting.

Obviously if you feel he is abusive, then ltb

but where do u draw the line-oh he accidentally ht across the face where he went to grab him and now hes got a bruise? ss would be questioning things like that

That is my line. Dh knows this.

(I mean the last incident was my line).

If there hadn't been a prior injury, this wouldn't have hurt her, right? Being picked up and placed somewhere isn't abusive imo, so I think this sounds like an overreaction, although granted, haven't read the whole thread.

I tend to do a lot of academic reading and present the findings to him

And you don't think this sounds even a teeny bit hectoring or superior? I couldn't parent alongside someone who was unwilling to accept my views on parenting, not someone who thought the best way to hold a conversation with me was to cite stuff from books she had read. You sound like hard work, sorry!

*nor

Finally - sorry for multiple posts - have you considered that his frustration might be rooted in his disagreement with your approach to parenting? Not everyone thinks 'gentle parenting' works. Not everyone wants to negotiate with 6 year olds. It sounds like you are so convinced your approach is better than his, that you are criticising him for attempting to deal with his kids' poor behaviour.

Trifle I know you say you haven't read the full thread, but there are some important details.

The op says that she and her dh both had dysfunctional childhoods, and she tries to read up about parenting in order to give them more idea of how to deal with any issues with the children. This may come across as hectoring, but is probably just a way of trying to deal with the fact that neither of them have any experience of good parenting and no "instinctive" knowledge of how to react in difficult situations.

Naicehamshop: Sorry, I had read it by my second post! I get that, but it seems that approach isn't working for the DH.

Trifleorbust, you make a lot of sense. There's a basic lack of respect for the husband in the tone of the wife's posts which I have to admit nettled me [not helped by the sisterhood weighing in with facile judgements about a situation they know nothing of]. More than that, her citing of academic authority for her point of view seems to me to be a form of bullying based on the logical fallacy of the Appeal to Authority. I wonder if this situation can move or develop unless the wife admits the possibility that she may be mistaken?

So your ideas, garnered from books, are the only way your DH is allowed to parent? I understand that he slams doors etc, but this doesn't have to necessarily transfer to violence towards the DC. I don't think it's a terrible idea to physically remove the child from a situation. It sounds a bit like your dd is playing up recently and it feels like you're defending her whilst constantly telling your DH new ways to parent that you've read. I understand you don't want to bring up your DC the way you were, but you need to discuss with him rather than expect him to understand how you want things done. Does he have a say in this?

Strygil - how are your judgments any less facile? Do you have some background knowledge about the situation that no one else has? I am baffled by your aggressive response.

cherrysoup the OP clearly stated she does the research, relays it to DH and they discuss the best options for their children. Why are you so quick to give this woman a hard time? They clearly have agreed on a parenting style, which the OP's husband does not seem to be sticking to anymore. I'm sure that's confusing to the children why their father is all of a sudden getting physical with them.

OP - it sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother, nothing wrong with trying to educate yourself and finding what works for you. Your DH seems to struggle with some anger/frustration issues, try be patient with him and maybe you do need to discuss further if the parenting style is still working for him??