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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hurt our daughter

92 replies

MooPointCowsOpinion · 16/02/2017 19:41

She was arguing with her sister and he got frustrated that she wasn't listening to him, so he picked her up roughly to move her away. She has recently broken a bone and the way he picked her up made her shout in pain as he put pressure on the break. I was out of the room less than 2 minutes, it escalated that quickly while I was gone.

I'm livid with him. Can't even speak to him. He has apologised and hugged me, apologised to dd but said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you' which has pissed me off even more.

Where do I go from here? I think if you need to roughly grab/push your child to parent them (bar life threatening situations e.g. Pulling out of traffic) then you're not parenting them, you're just an arsehole.

I also grew up getting the shit kicked out of me by my step-dad so I know I'm always on edge and I have a very negative view of men.

OP posts:
Lunde · 16/02/2017 20:47

Does she have a broken rib? If so I don't think picking up/grabbing is a reasonable response

Believeitornot · 16/02/2017 20:49

Yes Moo, I completely agree.
Also the thing that gets me is the lack of genuine remorse at hurting our dcs. We've spoken about it and he knows my feelings and has tried. But the last time he managed to leave horrible scratch marks on ds's neck. We had strong words.
Not sure how many more times this can happen.

GabsAlot · 16/02/2017 20:51

beleive its actually against the law now to leave marks on a child

Benedikte2 · 16/02/2017 20:51

Moo is there any chance your H would agree to go to parenting classes with you as a couple? (Realise he wouldn't entertain the idea by himself). He is more likely to listen to an expert re the damage negative comments etc can have and how to manage sibling conflict

GardenGeek · 16/02/2017 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 16/02/2017 20:52

No, you're teaching them that big people stop small people hurting each other.

YellowCrocus · 16/02/2017 20:53

There is no violence in this house. DS is 12 and has never had so much as a slap on the hand. DD (5) is a tiny terror, and sometimes when she is ignoring me completely I will pick her up and manoeuvre her to where I need her to be. If she is feeling especially dramatic she will wail that she has been violently injured. She's just annoyed at being moved. I think that if this action was in the context of a generally loving, non-abusive relationship between them, there is nothing to worry about.

Original poster
MooPointCowsOpinion · 16/02/2017 20:54

My kids don't hurt each other, they argue, not fight.

OP posts:
YellowCrocus · 16/02/2017 20:57

Sorry, I missed the scratch marks on DS's neck. That's not acceptable.

AliceInUnderpants · 16/02/2017 20:57

How did he pick her up? Did he grab her by the (broken) arm?

Olympiathequeen · 16/02/2017 20:59

He seems to have issues with controlling his temper and if he has escalated to actually grabbing g a child with a broken arm I would be very concerned about him. I think he needs some anger management training and you need to sit with him and explain how unacceptable his parenting is.

user1484578224 · 16/02/2017 21:00

is this you best option for exploring this?

Strygil · 16/02/2017 21:00

I think you are being unreasonable - it doesn't sound as though your husband is a violent man, more that he miscalculated the amount of force needed to restrain your daughter and/or forgot that her recently healed injury needs gentle handling. In other words he made a mistake - why not cut him the slack you are so ready to cut for yourself?

I sympathise with your childhood memories - I had a mother who habitually punched and slapped me until one day, when I was 20, I hit her back for the first and last time. I grew up with a very negative view of women, but I don't think either of my wives would say that I had taken it out on them. But your husband is not your step-father, and you are being unfair to treat him as if he were, and if this is something you do habitually I feel sorry for him, and you should perhaps seek help. And unless you are willing to call him an arsehole to his face, you shouldn't do it on here - that's cowardly.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/02/2017 21:04

Can you clarify her injury op?

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2017 21:11

It's a difficult one really

I'm trying to put myself in your DH's position and it doesn't feel like a comfortable one to be in.

If my DH didn't trust women, yet he married me and had kids with me, then ended up (as a result of how his step mother treated him), assuming that his way of parenting was automatically better than mine

Well that's a very difficult family situation to be in, isn't it?

RedAndYellowStripe · 16/02/2017 21:19

I missed the bit where you say he throws things in anger and grabbing and pulling isn't great either (note: for me this is different than picking a child up. In one case, things are done in anger and quickly, wo a lot of thought and control. In the other, you can pick a child up with control and gently iyswim)

Holding her over a break with no cast WILL have hurt and yes he should have been much much more careful.
I suspect that in this instance, his quick grab and pull, with no control, has shown why doing so is an issue. You can easily hurt the person quite badly!

So YY and bout having a chat. Bu t do you think he will listen? Do you think he will think Your of has some weight/truth in it?
Would he be open to some parenting classes?

Believeitornot · 16/02/2017 21:24

he went to grab ds's top to pull him and scratched his neck (because his nails needed cutting) hence the marks. We had very stern words.
It would be a different ball game if he'd hit him and pulled his arm/neck. I know it sounds like minimising, it really isn't. Kind of an accident but as a result of doing something he shouldn't have iyswim?

Original poster
MooPointCowsOpinion · 16/02/2017 21:26

Worra thanks for a different perspective.

I think we used to have the same ideas on parenting, we knew exactly where we stood on every issue that came up and we talked about it at length. I tend to do a lot of academic reading and present the findings to him as he doesn't like to read, then we discuss what we think is best given what I've read. I also read a lot of parenting books. I'm aware I've not exactly seen it done well first hand, so I'm always researching and second guessing myself, and DH is becoming aware that his family is a little dysfunctional too so we wanted to make our own path. If we put a label on it I would say 'attachment' parenting fits best with what we both said we wanted. Our issue comes, I think, from how we put it into action. DH cannot handle things gently or dispassionately when it is needed most. He doesn't have full control of himself in tough situations, and will take an easy route or the quickest solution without thinking through consequences. I don't think DD6 has got particularly more challenging in the last 6 months but DH clearly does as he is reacting negatively to what I perceive to be minor things, and it's eroding their relationship in my view.

OP posts:
Original poster
MooPointCowsOpinion · 16/02/2017 21:28

Redandyellowstripe thank you. I'm going to try and chat to him now.

OP posts:
Strygil · 16/02/2017 21:57

Interesting: as soon as your attitudes are challenged you sidestep and start an academic discussion about how you research the best way to bring up your children, present your findings to your husband and conduct a seminar as to how right you are, the poor sod.

Original poster
MooPointCowsOpinion · 16/02/2017 22:10

I didn't think that's what I was doing, I thought I was explaining that I am aware I have no sound basis to decide what good parenting is, so I defer to the experts and discuss it with my husband. He too, is aware he doesn't want to parent how he was parented, and we were in agreement on a gentler approach for 6 years, until the last 6 months or so which has culminated in this incident today.

OP posts:
theothercatpurred · 16/02/2017 22:10

Strygil WTF?

Naicehamshop · 16/02/2017 22:22

Don't understand where you are coming from here Strygil. You either haven't read the full thread or are deliberately being goady.

Op, your dh is using his size and strength rather than his brain here - never a good idea when you are dealing with children.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2017 00:05

I am not sure I'm concerned about removing a six year old from an argument physically, but I would expect careful attention t any broken bones. And if I ever saw my dh throw something in front of the children we would be talking about role modelling poor behaviour later!

junebirthdaygirl · 17/02/2017 07:48

Him reacting differently screams of something else going on in his life and he is taking it out other child. It's easy to make one child a scapegoat for your own stress. He needs to look at this. Also throwing stuff and banging doors is completely inappropriate and l don't see how being a gentle parent and doing that can go together.