DH hurt our daughter

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

She was arguing with her sister and he got frustrated that she wasn't listening to him, so he picked her up roughly to move her away. She has recently broken a bone and the way he picked her up made her shout in pain as he put pressure on the break. I was out of the room less than 2 minutes, it escalated that quickly while I was gone.

I'm livid with him. Can't even speak to him. He has apologised and hugged me, apologised to dd but said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you' which has pissed me off even more.

Where do I go from here? I think if you need to roughly grab/push your child to parent them (bar life threatening situations e.g. Pulling out of traffic) then you're not parenting them, you're just an arsehole.

I also grew up getting the shit kicked out of me by my step-dad so I know I'm always on edge and I have a very negative view of men.

that's what you need to talk about then - you need to sit down calmly and openly discuss the 6 yo's behaviour and agree parenting strategies for all of the things she does, including nice things for DH to do with her to work on their relationship in a positive way. I hope your DH has had a bit of a shock - it sounds like an accident to me but if I'd accidentally hurt one of my children I'd be really shocked and upset.

Need more detail on the criticism really. Has he EVER been physical with them?

You may be over sensitive due to your background and your DD will play divide and conquer

I remember very clearly screaming in the street 'you are HURTING me, you ar HURTIIIING me' at my mum because she wanted to hold my hand to cross a busy road and I didn't want to.

I can't comment on whether your DH has been too rough but I do know that if you are getting overprotective over your dd, she will have picked up in it and she is likely to use it as a way to get away with some stuff (such as being picked up, which I would have done to my dcs btw)

So what is the backstory? Is it about Your DH or Your lack of trust in men? Is it your personal history that is influencing how yu are seeing things or did your dd really been hurt?

I mean if her arm wasn't in a cast anymore, I don't expect that area to be painful anymore. If it is in a cast, I don't expect her to have felt anything at all over it.

I would be pissed off.

His apology wasn't an apology.

As for physically moving your 6 year old - I constantly tell my DH not to do this. It's lazy when they get older - I stopped that when they were toddlers.

My DH is a bit too "hands on" with our dcs, especially DS. He loses his patience very quickly and expects instant disobedience.

Ugh, some of these responses. The victim blaming towards the child for 'divide and conquer' is particularly repellent. The advice to apologise to him for 'undermining' is laughable. No wonder so much child abuse goes unreported and unpunished.

OP, nobody should be manhandling children aggressively like this. The fact that she has broken her arm makes it doubly important that she's treated physically gently. Please don't listen to the people here suggesting this is normal parenting, because that's how they do things in their homes.

Speak to him and get all the reassurances you can that this will never happen again and be vigilant for now.

But nobody is sure he manhandled her aggressively. Nobody saw it.

I wouldn't lift my 5 year old DS away from an argument with younger DD. I might lift her away. DS is old enough for me to reason with him and if necessary lead him away but not lift him in the air.

Sounds like your DH did become frustrated and lose his temper a little. I think you are right to challenge him on this Op.

On the face of it, you're being harsh on your DH. There's nothing wrong in picking a 6 year old up away from an argument and he has apologised.

You know kids can exaggerate in that kind of situation.

She didn't listen when he called her name a he removed her from the argument.

Have you never accidentally hurt any of your children?

But nobody is sure he manhandled her aggressively. Nobody saw it

The dd was upset and hurt and the dh reacted in a way which indicated that he knew he did the wrong thing.

And anyway, there's no need to be lifting your older children and moving them around. It's basically using your size to try and manage the situation. At what point do you stop that?!

Sorry I had to spend a few minutes checking that it wasn't me that made a threw/through mistake, phew!

I'm trying to answer questions. The only backstory is in previous posts of mine, that he's been critical of dd recently and I think unfairly, and that I'm self-aware enough to know that I do not trust (almost) any man.

It's not her arm, and it's a very recent break (not even a week old) and it's a bone that can't be put in a cast so it's not protected.

She can be a little bit critical of him and play up to any perceived slights, I think because he's critical of her. I try not to undermine him, hence why I'm waiting until they're asleep to talk about it.

He is physical in that he throws things and slams doors when frustrated, he is not quick with words and would rather just grab and pull the kids where he wants them to go. He rarely shouts, he's more constant running criticisms: don't stand there, don't do that, can you leave that alone, you're so fidgety/noisy. We used to be on the same page, but I think it's been 6 months now of wondering where his head is at.

We need a good talk about it. I've brought it up before, he's not receptive, but perhaps the shock of today will make him more so. Rightly or wrongly, I feel like I'm trying to 'make up' for his negative outlook on DD6 and defend her to him. I don't want to co-parent like that.

There's nothing wrong in picking a 6 year old up away from an argument and he has apologised

He didn't apologise properly. He said he was sorry if he hurt her. He hurt her so just apologise.

And there is something wrong with picking up a 6 year old. It kind of indicates you can't control or reason with your child.

Surely the key is how he lifted her?

The OP says it was roughly - and she was there.

I think there's a risk of people reinterpreting this in the way they'd lift their DC - which isn't rough - and minimising something the DH did that wasn't right.

Also - the DD has a broken bone, that's significant surely?

believe every child is different though. Picking dc2 up was the only way to get my message across wo shouting and very clearly. Anything else resulted in a stand off situation that escalated and dc2 still not doing what he was told etc...

At 6yo, I was just a likely to pick him up than taking his hand. I would have picked him up if dc2 had been fighting with dc1 and this was the safest way to calm the situation down (and no talking wouldn't have helped at the time)

From what the OP is saying, I think it very hard to understand what is or isn't going on.
He might well have hurt the child. Or the child might have screamed to get away with things, just like I did as a child.
I'm not sure why the break would still have been painful so why that area would have been more painful than usual.

To be really honest, I don't think it's possible to know from that one description.

And anyway, there's no need to be lifting your older children and moving them around. It's basically using your size to try and manage the situation. At what point do you stop that?!

I can only talk for myself, but I stopped with DS1 when he could be reasoned with to stop a physical fight - in his case, around 5. DS2, who is actually far more academically capable that DS1, can still whip himself up into such a fury that he can't be reasoned with, so I have on occasion lifted him at 6. I don't think that's lazy parenting, I think it's pragmatic parenting. FWIW, DS3 has been rationale in arguments since he was 4, and I can't remember the last time I had to manhandle him.

I grew up with a father who was very quick to man-handle us. It went hand in hand with inappropriate, even for the time, physical punishments. My mother let it happen. The damage done never goes away. OP is saying there is a back story. Is he bio dad to this DD OP?

But what do you do when you can't pick up your dc? You'll have to learn?

This thread has touched a nerve because it's what my dh does. He thinks that by being physical (not hitting) he can dominate the dcs and get his point across. He usually ends up hurting them and upsetting them. Then he's very slow to apologise and is begrudging.

I find it upsetting because he doesn't think of different methods of parenting - whereas I will have a think. I'm finding it hard parenting a 7&5 year old because they've changed and a different approach is needed.

He is physical in that he throws things and slams doors when frustrated, he is not quick with words and would rather just grab and pull the kids where he wants them to go. He rarely shouts, he's more constant running criticisms: don't stand there, don't do that, can you leave that alone, you're so fidgety/noisy. We used to be on the same page, but I think it's been 6 months now of wondering where his head is at

That's a pretty big drip feed, OP...

DS1, can still whip himself up into such a fury that he can't be reasoned with

My ds is like this. He gets very hot tempered like me. But seriously what are you going to do when he's too heavy? With my ds, I've worked hard on key phrases and reminding him what to do.

But nobody is sure he manhandled her aggressively. Nobody saw it.

I think in these situations when their both still portable the swoop in and swoop out tends to involve the child nearest not the smallest? You don't think that hard about it you just remove one if one is going to do some damage to the other.

But, the OP mentions their might be a back story, which may change my opinion but on the information given sounds he wasn't that unreasonable.

I have seen many an Oscar worthy performance from 6 year olds... best one was the terrible "mark" from stopping the DC from physical hurting themselves that was then self bandaged in toilet tissue and scratched by a small hand for an afternoon so it went red.

Funniest thing was it was the other arm

Went off to deal with something and cross post, this puts a very different spin on things.

Well, when I can't lift him (I still can, easily at this stage) then if he's still not fully in control I'll stand between him and whoever he's arguing with and hold him away. Just as I would, and have, stepped between fighting adults.

I'm only talking about once in a blue moon that I need to physically stop DS2, not a weekly occurance.

Yes he's her dad.

Surely it's better to try and teach him how to calm down with his temper....

And it doesn't take the place of teaching them ways to control their temper either. It's last resort in a flash situation.

Believeitornot you sound like me. I want to parent in the best way for my children, not the easiest way for myself. It is easier to grab and pull apart, I guess, but then what am I teaching them? Big people get to physically dominate little people?