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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Urgent: Domestic Abuse

32 replies

mariposita · 13/02/2017 06:26

Hi there,

I am in an abusive relationship and the violence escalated last night. I am in Newcastle upon Tyne. I am currently on benefits as I have chronic pain and fatigue. My rent is due tomorrow but I want to get out of here (have wanted to for a long time but has been nearly impossible with being ill and without support) and don't want to pay it. I want to get into a refuge or a safe space and need advice about my tenancy and how to keep my benefits without an address.

He knows I have been getting stronger and I think that's why it has escalated. He's not in the house right now but I'm not sure if he has a key. It's my tenancy - he doesn't live here.

I am scared to get in touch with these services as I was in hospital last year when I was suicidal and the psychiatric team sent me home with him in spite of knowing about they abuse - they said, "well it may not be perfect but at least you have someone who loves you." I thought maybe they were right.

Please help.

OP posts:
clementineorange · 13/02/2017 06:30

Cannot read without posting. I'm sorry OP. Your situation sounds horrid. Can you call the police right now? Are you hurt?

SweetBabyJebus · 13/02/2017 06:32

No they're absolutely NOT right. I can't believe they did that.
I have no advice for you re the benefits and refuges, but others on here do, and i have no doubt they'll give you the right advice. I just wanted to add a hand-hold. Flowers

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/02/2017 06:34

Call ncdv will try and link the number.

But I am really not sure the psychiatric team said that! They would be struck off! ( I was seeing psychiatrist when in an abusive relationship and they were incredibly good at helping me see that it was not OK)

redexpat · 13/02/2017 06:35

Call shelter for advice about the housing. Sorry this has happened. Oh and have you told the police about this escalation? Was it physical?

Afreshstartplease · 13/02/2017 06:35

Op has he hurt you?

Honestly concentrate on getting somewhere safe first and about the money after

Pack a bag

Do you have family/friends you can go to?

Delilah37 · 13/02/2017 06:35

Well done for being so strong.
You need to get in touch with Women's Aid. I don't know much but I'm sure they can help and answer your questions. Hopefully give you refuge.
www.newcastlewomensaid.org.uk/Contact-Newcastle-Womens-Aid
Good luck!

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/02/2017 06:36

Here is the link www.ncdv.org.uk/

bluebell34567 · 13/02/2017 06:37

contact women's aid, they will help you with all.

Original poster
mariposita · 13/02/2017 08:02

Thank you all. I just called NCDV and they are going to get a consultant to call me back (they don't start until 9am). I will see what they say but also been advised by friends in a radfem group on fb to pack a bag and go to local women's aid at 9am too. That's my plan right now. Finally the tears are flowing with all the support. I've been numb with shock and fear for the last 12 hours.

OP posts:
chocolatespiders · 13/02/2017 08:06

Thinking of you OP. Stay strong and focus on you and your happiness. You can do this.
Have you got children?

missyB1 · 13/02/2017 08:07

mariposita well done for making a plan, you will be ok, It must be very scary and stressful but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Take care and good luck.

RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 08:19

Hi op All of the domestic violence services for Newcastle are now under the umbrella of NIDAS, I'm assuming that's who you were put through to. If not their number is 01912146501.

As for your rent situation are you renting privately or through Your Homes Newcastle. If it's YHN then ring and speak to your key worker. You can find thier name and number here www.yhn.org.uk/contact-us/key-contacts/who-is-my-housing-officer/

If it's private and your landlord is approachable speak to them.

Ledkr · 13/02/2017 08:20

Put a key in the door just in case he has one. Can you get a friend round until you are sorted out?

RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 08:40

Also, think about ringing the police and reporting him. Northumbria Police take DV very seriously. They may arrest him or serve him with a Police Information Notice which prevents him from contacting you. Either way it keeps him out of the way while you sort stuff out.

Do yo have children?

tipsytrifle · 13/02/2017 08:55

Would it be possible to make your first step that of getting him out and keeping him out and away from you? If there was violence last night then the police should be involved asap. This might postpone your actual departure from home for a month but would give you breathing space to consider what you choose to do next rather than a knee jerk leap into total uncertainty? Just initial thoughts. Remember that you're running on fear and adrenaline which is, first off, telling you to run from the danger he presents. If he has no legal right to be at yours then he can be removed and locks changed.

tipsytrifle · 13/02/2017 09:00

Just realised he doesn't actually live with you. So it would be a case of keeping him out. Police is surely a must, as is lock changing. The police would advise you on this.Could you phone them now?

I'm not saying you shouldn't move; it seems you have wanted to for some time. Better to do it on calmer terms, though?

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 13/02/2017 10:15

Hi there OP,

We really hope you have some good RL support, here is a list of some other organisations that may be able to help.

Please do check out our webguide.

Good luck in getting the support you need. Flowers

Original poster
mariposita · 13/02/2017 10:22

Thanks so much everybody. Would the police respond to the threat of violence. I.e. he held a guitar over my head and threatened to hit me with it? I am really scared of them talking to him because he is a 'charming' character :( and especially after being misbelieved before, it's really hard to talk to anyone. I'm so glad the woman at NDV helpline was good - I'm wondering if I can get her to advocate for me with other services... it's such a relief to be believed - I don't want to have to keep telling the story :(

I am now looking into outreach support for help with my housing/benefits situation. Does anyone have any advice on that? Would that be NIDAS too? Sorry I'm new to mumsnet and don't know how to tag people in messages.

Thanks so much everybody. I am feeling the support, hugely grateful.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 10:33

Yes the police would definitely respond to this. You need to tell them you are planning on leaving so they will respond quickly
if anything kicks off while you are sorting stuff out.

NIDAS will be able to help and advise you with everything they have the refuge but also have outreach workers who can revise support. Please think about speaking to your landlords because keeping them in the loop will also hopefully stop them from chasing you too much for your rent.

Original poster
mariposita · 13/02/2017 10:35

Yes, I appreciate the thoughts on not having to make a rash decision and taking my time. I fear going into refuge with women who are strangers and obviously trauma and potentially drug and alcohol problems as I am incredibly emotionally vulnerable and may not be able to cope. I have a friend coming over soon, but I am slightly worried as I said, "he's a monster", and she said, "he needs help"... like contradicting me. He doesn't need help, he has help. He has a neuropsychiatrist, a psychologist, he was sent for anger management classes and mindfulness classes. He's had 'help' from me for the last 2 years. He doesn't need educating, he has all the resources and information he needs, he's an abuser and he needs accountability and repercussions.

I am scared of being around anything sympathy towards him because it's so easy for me to slip back into that cycle of being sympathetic and believing he can change. I mustered so much fierce resolve from you all here and from the radfem fb group who told me to come here and all of that gets undone within seconds of hearing the words, "he needs help", and I wither into helplessness. I don't want to be told what he needs :(

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 10:37

Your benefits shouldn't be too much of a problem where ever you are. Although if your housing benefit directly pays your rent you will be unable to stop that happening tomorrow and on a practical note you may be liable for this months rent anyway, which is why I advise speaking to your landlord.

RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 10:38

The NIDAS refuge is really nice. I was there on a visit last week, it's brand new and consists of independent houses rather than rooms in one place. Please don't be scared.

Original poster
mariposita · 13/02/2017 10:39

Unfortunately my landlord is awful. She was threatening to evict me earlier in the year when the boiler broke and she didn't want to have to pay for a new one. That is another thing that put the pressure on me. I had actually left the relationship but I went back because I needed help.

NIDAS said they have no space but I will call them about outreach. Thank you RestlessTraveller.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 13/02/2017 10:44

In that case then look at your rental contract, I know you said you don't want to pay your rent but you may have to. How much notice do you have to give. I know people have said change the locks but it may be that this would be breaking your contract also. Ring the police report him and if you still want to move then go to family or friends, if you have absolutely
nowhere to go get yourself to the Housing Advice Centre by the Metro Radio Roundabout. Also get onto YHN and register to bid on council houses. Speak to NIDAS about thier outreach service. I'm sorry if I missed it, but do you have children?

Original poster
mariposita · 13/02/2017 10:49

I don't have children. I am currently out of contract and do not have a deposit. I was on a contract through an agency before my housemate left in September last year and then we agreed to ditch the agency so it's just via her. She sent me a tenancy agreement but I couldn't sign it at the time because I was unwell and she said not to worry about it so I still haven't.

OP posts: