Urgent: Domestic Abuse

[mariposita]

Hi there,

I am in an abusive relationship and the violence escalated last night. I am in Newcastle upon Tyne. I am currently on benefits as I have chronic pain and fatigue. My rent is due tomorrow but I want to get out of here (have wanted to for a long time but has been nearly impossible with being ill and without support) and don't want to pay it. I want to get into a refuge or a safe space and need advice about my tenancy and how to keep my benefits without an address.

He knows I have been getting stronger and I think that's why it has escalated. He's not in the house right now but I'm not sure if he has a key. It's my tenancy - he doesn't live here.

I am scared to get in touch with these services as I was in hospital last year when I was suicidal and the psychiatric team sent me home with him in spite of knowing about they abuse - they said, "well it may not be perfect but at least you have someone who loves you." I thought maybe they were right.

Please help.

[SarcasmMode]

Didn't want to read and run.

this link from refuge and this link from Women's Aid may be helpful? Only skimmed as have a toddler with the cold today.

Is there a refuge manager you could talk to?

[Sylv2017]

Hi,

I would contact your local authority and request an assessment under the Care Act. A social worker would complete an assessment and if you have eligible needs could look at getting you support or a PA. Whilst involved they could also support you with your housing situation.

Good luck

[mariposita]

I want to thank the women in this group who helped me escape my abusive partner in February this year.

I am struggling now in a refuge that doesn't have provisions for disabled women and wondering if anyone has any advice?

I have fibromyalgia and my partner was my carer. I also relied a lot upon the internet and ordering things online to manage due to mobility issues. I don't have wifi here and am not allowed to order things to be delivered here. I have explained these things to my key worker but she is young and very inexperienced and she doesn't seem to be taking me seriously, so I am feeling overwhelmed.

[tallwivglasses]

It horrified me that there are no refuges in the whole of Tyne and Wear, meanwhile Wearside Women in Need is fighting to stay open. I'm so sorry there's nowhere for you to go but you've had some excellent advice here and good for you for being so determined. There's a women's group that meets in Newcastle if you need some friendly support. Pm me of you'd like the details x

[mariposita]

A bit of an update:

He was arrested last night and unfortunately released with only a caution for possession of cannabis but without conditions to his release.

I have been assigned an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) who is meeting me tomorrow to discuss my needs and we are going to talk about everything. She is going to arrange a meeting with a solicitor and come with me where we will apply for a non molestation order (as we couldn't get the protection order from the police).

At the moment there are no refuge places in Tyne and Wear so we are going to keep checking day by day. I am looking forward to meeting my IDVA tomorrow. I feel really supported there.

Thanks so much for all your support and advice. You've been amazing. I'm getting there.

[tipsytrifle]

I think you should contact the police though totally understand that if they haven't been supportive in the past this might feel awful. On the other hand it provides a paper/computer trail of his abuse. I'm sure he terrified the living daylights out of you in many ways and he has a catalogue of interventive options available to prove his psycho-ness.

ME is utterly awful. A dear friend of mine has it - plus arthritis - and she is incapacitated for a lot of time, in pain and "got" so easily by any virus or bug flying around which adds to everything else being a battle.

I don't think you'll be finding much by way of sympathetic musing about helping the abuser in these parts. Instead you'll be swamped by support and active help purely for YOU, such as that from RestlessTraveller and others. So stay here and forget about tagging anyone or whatever - we don't do that either though there is a Private Message function should you need it.

I think the key here might be to construct a prioritised list of what's do-able in a day and to do it on your terms. I think changing locks is ok once you get a key for the shitty landlord too. Even if she decided to evict you for "giving her trouble" it's a process and will take a few weeks to accomplish. But others can advise on that better than I.

In the meantime, have some

[RestlessTraveller]

Ok. I'm not sure where you stand with that you'll be able get better advice from HAC

www.informationnow.org.uk/organisations/86/housing-advice-centre-newcastle-city-council

[mariposita]

I don't have children. I am currently out of contract and do not have a deposit. I was on a contract through an agency before my housemate left in September last year and then we agreed to ditch the agency so it's just via her. She sent me a tenancy agreement but I couldn't sign it at the time because I was unwell and she said not to worry about it so I still haven't.

[RestlessTraveller]

In that case then look at your rental contract, I know you said you don't want to pay your rent but you may have to. How much notice do you have to give. I know people have said change the locks but it may be that this would be breaking your contract also. Ring the police report him and if you still want to move then go to family or friends, if you have absolutely
nowhere to go get yourself to the Housing Advice Centre by the Metro Radio Roundabout. Also get onto YHN and register to bid on council houses. Speak to NIDAS about thier outreach service. I'm sorry if I missed it, but do you have children?

[mariposita]

Unfortunately my landlord is awful. She was threatening to evict me earlier in the year when the boiler broke and she didn't want to have to pay for a new one. That is another thing that put the pressure on me. I had actually left the relationship but I went back because I needed help.

NIDAS said they have no space but I will call them about outreach. Thank you RestlessTraveller.

[RestlessTraveller]

The NIDAS refuge is really nice. I was there on a visit last week, it's brand new and consists of independent houses rather than rooms in one place. Please don't be scared.

[RestlessTraveller]

Your benefits shouldn't be too much of a problem where ever you are. Although if your housing benefit directly pays your rent you will be unable to stop that happening tomorrow and on a practical note you may be liable for this months rent anyway, which is why I advise speaking to your landlord.

[mariposita]

Yes, I appreciate the thoughts on not having to make a rash decision and taking my time. I fear going into refuge with women who are strangers and obviously trauma and potentially drug and alcohol problems as I am incredibly emotionally vulnerable and may not be able to cope. I have a friend coming over soon, but I am slightly worried as I said, "he's a monster", and she said, "he needs help"... like contradicting me. He doesn't need help, he has help. He has a neuropsychiatrist, a psychologist, he was sent for anger management classes and mindfulness classes. He's had 'help' from me for the last 2 years. He doesn't need educating, he has all the resources and information he needs, he's an abuser and he needs accountability and repercussions.

I am scared of being around anything sympathy towards him because it's so easy for me to slip back into that cycle of being sympathetic and believing he can change. I mustered so much fierce resolve from you all here and from the radfem fb group who told me to come here and all of that gets undone within seconds of hearing the words, "he needs help", and I wither into helplessness. I don't want to be told what he needs :(

[RestlessTraveller]

Yes the police would definitely respond to this. You need to tell them you are planning on leaving so they will respond quickly
if anything kicks off while you are sorting stuff out.

NIDAS will be able to help and advise you with everything they have the refuge but also have outreach workers who can revise support. Please think about speaking to your landlords because keeping them in the loop will also hopefully stop them from chasing you too much for your rent.

[mariposita]

Thanks so much everybody. Would the police respond to the threat of violence. I.e. he held a guitar over my head and threatened to hit me with it? I am really scared of them talking to him because he is a 'charming' character :( and especially after being misbelieved before, it's really hard to talk to anyone. I'm so glad the woman at NDV helpline was good - I'm wondering if I can get her to advocate for me with other services... it's such a relief to be believed - I don't want to have to keep telling the story :(

I am now looking into outreach support for help with my housing/benefits situation. Does anyone have any advice on that? Would that be NIDAS too? Sorry I'm new to mumsnet and don't know how to tag people in messages.

Thanks so much everybody. I am feeling the support, hugely grateful.

[LornaMumsnet]

Hi there OP,

We really hope you have some good RL support, here is a list of some other organisations that may be able to help.

Please do check out our webguide.

Good luck in getting the support you need.

[tipsytrifle]

Just realised he doesn't actually live with you. So it would be a case of keeping him out. Police is surely a must, as is lock changing. The police would advise you on this.Could you phone them now?

I'm not saying you shouldn't move; it seems you have wanted to for some time. Better to do it on calmer terms, though?

[tipsytrifle]

Would it be possible to make your first step that of getting him out and keeping him out and away from you? If there was violence last night then the police should be involved asap. This might postpone your actual departure from home for a month but would give you breathing space to consider what you choose to do next rather than a knee jerk leap into total uncertainty? Just initial thoughts. Remember that you're running on fear and adrenaline which is, first off, telling you to run from the danger he presents. If he has no legal right to be at yours then he can be removed and locks changed.

[RestlessTraveller]

Also, think about ringing the police and reporting him. Northumbria Police take DV very seriously. They may arrest him or serve him with a Police Information Notice which prevents him from contacting you. Either way it keeps him out of the way while you sort stuff out.

Do yo have children?

[Ledkr]

Put a key in the door just in case he has one. Can you get a friend round until you are sorted out?

[RestlessTraveller]

Hi op All of the domestic violence services for Newcastle are now under the umbrella of NIDAS, I'm assuming that's who you were put through to. If not their number is 01912146501.

As for your rent situation are you renting privately or through Your Homes Newcastle. If it's YHN then ring and speak to your key worker. You can find thier name and number here www.yhn.org.uk/contact-us/key-contacts/who-is-my-housing-officer/

If it's private and your landlord is approachable speak to them.

[missyB1]

mariposita well done for making a plan, you will be ok, It must be very scary and stressful but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Take care and good luck.

[chocolatespiders]

Thinking of you OP. Stay strong and focus on you and your happiness. You can do this.
Have you got children?

[mariposita]

Thank you all. I just called NCDV and they are going to get a consultant to call me back (they don't start until 9am). I will see what they say but also been advised by friends in a radfem group on fb to pack a bag and go to local women's aid at 9am too. That's my plan right now. Finally the tears are flowing with all the support. I've been numb with shock and fear for the last 12 hours.

[bluebell34567]

contact women's aid, they will help you with all.