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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you forgive this lie?

122 replies

takingstock · 12/02/2017 18:55

My partner has always been quite secretive. We've been seeing each other for 8 months and I've always had the sense that he isn't being straight with me. I did have it out with him a few months ago but he got angry and told me he would never lie and he was really hurt by the suggestion. However I've never met any family, only met a few friends and he tells stories about his past that sound very far fetched. So I still don't really believe or fully trust him. But.... he is a lovely, kind, caring man. He's been brilliant with my kids and I love being with him for all the good bits of our relationship.

However, I've recently found out that he went out to a black tie dinner without me when he had told me he was doing something completely different (in quite a lot of detail).

When I found out (by digging around social media and finding some photos of him at the black tie event) I confronted him and asked him to tell me the truth. When he realised I knew where he'd been, he admitted it. He got very upset, told me it was to do with his business (and to secure our financial future), and told me he'd been wrong not to trust me with the truth.

I've forgiven him but a few weeks later I've got this nagging doubt that he never actually told me everything about that evening, only what he thought I knew, and if he was capable of lying once, how can I be sure it won't happen again.

Would you have forgiven him and how can I truly put my mind at rest?

OP posts:

Forgettheworld · 13/02/2017 20:50

I hope I'm wrong but I think OP may have ignored all our advice.

ToutesDirections · 13/02/2017 21:05

casually

ScrambledSmegs · 13/02/2017 21:19

What you have here, OP, is a common or garden lying weasel.

What a prize!

Original poster

takingstock · 13/02/2017 22:15

I'm still here.... and I'm listening to everything you're saying. After my divorce, I promised myself that I wouldn't get caught out again but it looks like I have. Just a different kind of "man" this time.

OP posts:

Angleshades · 13/02/2017 22:28

Don't beat yourself up too much op these guys can be master manipulators. Be thankful you found him out now and not years later when you're really invested in him. I've given up relationships for the time being after getting sucked in by a liar. I'm spending precious time with my dc instead. And it is bliss.

DancingLedge · 13/02/2017 22:45

No.Sorry, but no.

merville · 13/02/2017 23:00

The guilting you when he was caught out is also a nasty trait ... my sister was married to someone like that. He upset her badly by not contacting her to wish her a happy NY when he was in Germany with the army. (He didn't answer
attempts to contact him either). When she got a hold of him the next day, he told her he'd been konked out all night cause he was ill with flu - flu he said she gave him at Christmas before he left. Immediately moved to guilting her about him having a horrible flu she appar. infected with him.
Months late she found out incidentally that he was out drinking on NYE, not in bed (with flu or otherwise).
What this guy said reminds me of that kind of guilting and manipulation on top of dishonesty. So shitty. Everythinh about him sounds suspect thb, inc. the 'close' female friend.

ScarlettFreestone · 14/02/2017 00:29

taking please remember that this isn't your fault.

Not even a little bit.

DustyMaiden · 14/02/2017 00:35

He got upset and said he'd been wrong not to trust you with the truth, that he went to a dinner? Makes no sense, get rid.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/02/2017 07:28

^but he got angry and told me he would never lie and he was really hurt by the suggestion. However I've never met any family, only met a few friends and he tells stories about his past that sound very far fetched.....

However, I've recently found out that he went out to a black tie dinner without me when he had told me he was doing something completely different (in quite a lot of detail)^

Your future is here.

Angry with you for doubting him, very secretive and with unbelievable stories.

Then lying, and in detail.

Remember, he was angry with you for doubting him.

Then guilting you, after he made a song and dance about his honesty ... but wasn't.

He will pull this again, "how can you not trust me" and he will be lying. You will find it hard to trust him and become afraid to challenge him. He will go on doing his own thing and not telling you the truth, not genuinely sharing of himself and hoodwinking you.

plainjanine · 14/02/2017 15:13

OP, I wonder if he is ashmed of you, for some reason? I don't say this to insult you, honestly! But he's kept you away from his family and friends, and presumably away from his colleagues at the black tie event.

Or is he ashamed of something in his past? Either way, it's not healthy, and he doesn't trust you - why else try to keep you away from everyone who knows him?

The secrecy on its own would be a problem for me.

Alpies · 14/02/2017 18:33

He saw a vulnerable person, desperate to be loved and he is just using you. So sorry OP but u really are well rid of him.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/02/2017 13:12

Plain!

Montane50 · 15/02/2017 15:58

Im totally bemused with the sentence 'wrong to not trust you with the truth....' unless he works for c.i.5 wtaf is so secretive about a black tie event???
Him not introducing you to many people seems ok to me, and yes next time you'll probably be more cautious about introducing a new man to your dcs.
But seriously, you can do far better than this arsehole, dont feel grateful just tell him to go.

CityMole · 15/02/2017 16:18

ALARM BELLS. He sounds like an absolute Walter Mitty type. Arsehole!
Don't put yourself and your kids through this- get away while you can.

plainjanine · 16/02/2017 13:35

Sponge

I know I put that badly, hence the disclaimer. Perhaps I should reiterate that I absolutely do not think there is anything shameful about the OP.

It does look to me like he is keeping the OP and all the rest of his life as far apart as possible. After 8 months, I'd expect tpo have met at least some of his family.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2017 13:39

Stop ignoring your instincts!! There is something off with this guy and you KNOW it. Run and don't look back.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/02/2017 14:00

I love being with him for all the good bits of our relationship.

Sadly the rest of the time now diminishes the whole package.

Cheesy as it sounds, like the cracked jug that is repaired that you won't risk putting water in again, I feel now trust has been shaken to the point you are sleuthing, you can never really be sure of him.

loinnir · 16/02/2017 14:46

Yes - trust your instinct. Would not have introduced him to the DC if you are unsure about him.

scottishdiem · 16/02/2017 17:20

Creating a detailed lie around an event and then continuing that lie when being openly asked about it is a real problem to be honest.

Early in relationships I have not given a complete diary and breakdown of where I am going or what I am doing but nor have I lied about things. I have gone to parties and formal events where a partner might have expected an invite but for work or personal reasons that wasnt the best option for me so I just said I was busy. I didnt lie though.

Its clear that you have concerns about the relationship. No-one goes digging around social media to find pictures to prove something without there being an issue already. As others have said, trust your instincts and leave him.

Featherybum · 16/02/2017 17:45

Thing is, if it was something he couldn't have taken you to he'd have just said right? No need for secrecy, no need for him to lie, no big deal. Him lying about it shows there is something about it that is a big deal.
I bet if the situation was reversed you wouldn't have made it a big thing, maybe mentioned it casually but that's it.

My guess would be he's either got someone already and you are the OW, or he's after someone else and doesn't want them put off by knowing about you. Sorry op, you deserve better.

MommieMommyMom · 16/02/2017 17:52

Why aren't you good enough to introduce to family... after 8 months and he's met your children but you really don't know anything about him.

Leave z

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