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Original poster

Would you forgive this lie?

122 replies

takingstock · 12/02/2017 18:55

My partner has always been quite secretive. We've been seeing each other for 8 months and I've always had the sense that he isn't being straight with me. I did have it out with him a few months ago but he got angry and told me he would never lie and he was really hurt by the suggestion. However I've never met any family, only met a few friends and he tells stories about his past that sound very far fetched. So I still don't really believe or fully trust him. But.... he is a lovely, kind, caring man. He's been brilliant with my kids and I love being with him for all the good bits of our relationship.

However, I've recently found out that he went out to a black tie dinner without me when he had told me he was doing something completely different (in quite a lot of detail).

When I found out (by digging around social media and finding some photos of him at the black tie event) I confronted him and asked him to tell me the truth. When he realised I knew where he'd been, he admitted it. He got very upset, told me it was to do with his business (and to secure our financial future), and told me he'd been wrong not to trust me with the truth.

I've forgiven him but a few weeks later I've got this nagging doubt that he never actually told me everything about that evening, only what he thought I knew, and if he was capable of lying once, how can I be sure it won't happen again.

Would you have forgiven him and how can I truly put my mind at rest?

OP posts:
Alpies · 12/02/2017 20:43

I'd say cut your losses and run. Protect yourself and your family from hurt. You don't know anything about him. What you think u know is all a lie. The fact he can lie so convincingly in such detail is a big red flag. Don't waste your time. People like this will destroy your soul. If trust your instinct and run, he will one day hurt you so bad, you will spend years trying to sort yourself out and wondering.

TurnipCake · 12/02/2017 20:46

You're asking if there's hope for a guy who is already secretive with you and got angry when you called him into question before all this? He doesn't actually sound all that loving, kind and caring, you know.

You will be a fool to stay with him

Alpies · 12/02/2017 20:47

The fact that it's been 8 months and I haven't met his family (do they even know u exist?), childhood friends is odd. What kind of friends did u meet? Work? Other?

Also it's odd that he spends more time at yours.

Where did u meet him?

How old is he?

I'd still say run!

Angleshades · 12/02/2017 20:50

Op I went out with a guy like this. He promised the earth very early in the relationship but there was a lot of stuff he said that I felt uneasy about. It's only now that I look back and realise just how much rubbish he was spouting at the time, there was so much future faking and lies just to paint himself whiter than white.

At the time I chose to ignore the uneasy feeling but now I wished I'd listened to that feeling and walked away sooner. That feeling is there for a reason.

It's very telling that once you found your dp was lying he has then turned it on you by saying it was to protect your financial future together - there by saying 'look what I'm doing for us, how dare you question me about my night out', he's doing it to make you feel bad and shut you up. He doesn't want you to delve further and find out anything else.

There must have been some other woman he had his eye on at that black tie do or someone he'd taken instead of you. There is no reason to lie otherwise and to go to such lengths to stop you finding out.

I too would cut my losses as it really doesn't bode well for the future.

RubyWinterstorm · 12/02/2017 20:56

In which way does secretly going to a black tie event secure your financial future?!

Sounds like he has another wife/GF

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 12/02/2017 20:56

See the thing that would have the alarm bells ringing for me is that you have snooped over one thing and found he lied. If you start digging you may well find he has lied over an awful lot more. In your shoes I would start digging like a dog for a bone if I really liked every other aspect of him and was the forgiving type or, more likely, I would walk away. As other posters have said, you should be in the honeymoon period not this.

Hcmp1980 · 12/02/2017 20:58

Sadly not :(

F1GI · 12/02/2017 21:02

He admitted it because he knew he had no other choice. Not because he chose to admit it.

WhooooAmI24601 · 12/02/2017 21:02

It shouldn't matter if it's 8 months or 8 years. If he lies to you he doesn't respect you. You don't lie to people whose opinions and feelings matter to you.

The fact that you don't trust him is enough of a reason to end this. How can you even consider a future with someone you haven't got complete trust in?

LesisMiserable · 12/02/2017 21:16

I think he straight up didn't want to take you to the black tie do - the reason for which who knows? But surely you want to be with someone who wants you at his side?

SandyY2K · 12/02/2017 21:41

He lied to you about an event, but says he was securing your financial future and should have trusted you.

Can you see how crazy that actually sounds ?

And he told the truth, because you had proof he was lying. That's called being busted and is not deserving of any credit whatsoever.

The red flags are all over this. He can't be trusted and there will be so many more lies you don't knoe off just yet.

RedastheRose · 12/02/2017 22:08

Sorry but run now. He has lied and lied and only been partially truthful when you have found him out. Believe his actions not his words, he is not trustworthy and without t use you can have no real relationship. Don't waste anymore of your time or energy on him. You could well end up like one of these women you read about in the papers saying he seemed so nice (when he was actually a bigamist/serial killer/fraudster)! He's a liar what else do you really need to know, in particular are you happy that someone who habitually lies is spending time around your children!

christmaswreaths · 13/02/2017 06:59

I agree, it sounds like he has someone else too. Run for the hills.

user1486956786 · 13/02/2017 07:13

The most normal explanation is just that he didn't want to take you? But if he is up for lying, you'd think he would just tell you a lie as to why you can't join him. Also, 8 months and financially securing your future is a very bizarre thing to say. If you do continue seeing him, at least be careful with him around your children, he sounds odd...

SparklyMagpie · 13/02/2017 07:21

You should just end it...

But you won't will you?

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2017 07:27

He took his wife / OH.

EighthElement · 13/02/2017 07:33

Trust your gut!

There is no need for these lies! He is only revealing a selective side and deliberately hiding the rest.

As for telling your children, don't worry. They saw that you were affectionate to each other but it's a good opportunity to show them that you have a deal breaker. You've been married for 15 years and this is your first relationship so don't worry. You just say to them that although he was lovely to you at the beginning he told you lies and then reacted angrily when you found out he was lying.

EighthElement · 13/02/2017 07:35

I agree with the assessment that if it were a black tie event there was a woman he 'had' to take if you see what I mean. Maybe a wife but not necessarily, it could just be a longer term partner or girlfriend who is the woman the others at the black tie even would have been expecting to see.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 07:35

8 months? Delete and block.

EighthElement · 13/02/2017 07:40

category12 so astute a comment ''he doesn't do social media that you know of''. I knew a guy who used a completely different name for fb.

he didn't have a long term GF but he had lots of peripheral women. I met his old university friend and in that one evening his friend revealed a few interesting things. I didn't react but I walked away thinking, so what he is on fb. The x was married. He didn't finish his degree?! He doesn't talk to his sister?!

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 07:53

My ex was like this, shared very little about his family, friends, work. There was nothing sinister (no partner etc) and some of his friends and family knew about me but he was narcissistic and he was compartmentalising me so as to minimise the impact on his 'real' life. I thought it made him seem mysterious at the time Hmm

Walk away now as once he sees you buy in to his behaviour, he won't see a reason to stop.

Original poster
takingstock · 13/02/2017 09:20

I think he did take someone else 😞, a close friend of his. I've never met her but she would have good reason to be there. When I asked him outright he denied it completely. I don't know how I can find out if she did go.

OP posts:
caffelatte100 · 13/02/2017 09:30

I think that's all you need to know. he obviously lied as he had something to hide. Don't waste any more time.
I am sorry.

cafesociety · 13/02/2017 09:59

Just leave it. Don't bother with a prolifigate sloppy liar who is sneaky, sly, has a temper and turns things around on you. He is who he is and won't change. You could face years and years of worry and misery so get out while you can.

Nellyphants · 13/02/2017 10:04

You don't need to find out if the friend did go. He lied, when he got caught out he tried to turn it back on you.

It's 8 months, I was with a man for 8 years who told me a stupid lie in the beginning. I choose to ignore it. At the end of the 8 years I genuinely felt like I was going mad.

Dump him now. There are lots of lovely men out there who won't lie.

Or you could even try being on your own with your kids for a bit.

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