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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you forgive this lie?

122 replies

takingstock · 12/02/2017 18:55

My partner has always been quite secretive. We've been seeing each other for 8 months and I've always had the sense that he isn't being straight with me. I did have it out with him a few months ago but he got angry and told me he would never lie and he was really hurt by the suggestion. However I've never met any family, only met a few friends and he tells stories about his past that sound very far fetched. So I still don't really believe or fully trust him. But.... he is a lovely, kind, caring man. He's been brilliant with my kids and I love being with him for all the good bits of our relationship.

However, I've recently found out that he went out to a black tie dinner without me when he had told me he was doing something completely different (in quite a lot of detail).

When I found out (by digging around social media and finding some photos of him at the black tie event) I confronted him and asked him to tell me the truth. When he realised I knew where he'd been, he admitted it. He got very upset, told me it was to do with his business (and to secure our financial future), and told me he'd been wrong not to trust me with the truth.

I've forgiven him but a few weeks later I've got this nagging doubt that he never actually told me everything about that evening, only what he thought I knew, and if he was capable of lying once, how can I be sure it won't happen again.

Would you have forgiven him and how can I truly put my mind at rest?

OP posts:
YorkshireTree · 13/02/2017 10:26

You have the information you need OP. You need nothing further.

Like AF said, many of us (including me) have forgiven bullshit like this because we loved the man. It always ends badly.

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 10:32

He sound's like a wrong un' to me. It shouldn't be this difficult after 8 months. All seems a bit rushed

DevelopingDetritus · 13/02/2017 10:33

One of Maya Angelou quotes: If someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I've been where you are OP, it's just horrible. Always questioning and feeling on edge, it's no way to live, the good bits aren't worth it in the end.

Alpies · 13/02/2017 10:43

OP didn't answer my questions 😂

lilybetsy · 13/02/2017 10:55

no. Just no. He won't change. Can you live with this ?

seriously, you will be completely destroyed by this... move on.

Greaterexpectations · 13/02/2017 11:09

Run. Don't continue to torture yourself trying to work out the truth. He lied once, he'll lie again and again. Please be kind to yourself and walk away from this poor excuse for a man now. You'll be much happier, trust me I know what it's like.

HmmOkay · 13/02/2017 11:25

You genuinely don't need to know if she did go.

If it turns out that he did go with her and you have the proof of it, then he will confess to what you know. He'll say he had to take her as his career depended on it and he only did it to secure your financial future together. He should have trusted you and now you know the real truth he is so relieved. The burden was unbearable. He hated lying to you. Then much waffle about seeing a real future with you, having children together etc.

Honestly, what is the point? It is just prolonging the inevitable.

If you do somehow find out the whole truth, he will just make sure that he covers his tracks better next time.

Usernamewithnodigits · 13/02/2017 12:05

People lie because they don't want to be inconvenienced by telling the truth.

Pacha11 · 13/02/2017 12:08

Forgiving him means signing up for more of the same.

lightbulbmoon · 13/02/2017 13:31

implausible nonsense. there are plenty of men out there OP find one who's worth your while.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 13/02/2017 13:46

OP, why are you so desperate for this relationship to work? He's proven himself to be a liar, you don't believe you have been told the whole truth by him, yet you're looking for a way to stay together. Sweetie, you're worth more than this. It's been 8 months, chalk it up to experience and ditch him, and learn to trust your gut in future.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 13/02/2017 13:49

That's weird though. Why would he lie about the black tie dinner? What did he tell you was his reason for lying? Did he go with another woman? Sad

ImperialBlether · 13/02/2017 13:49

How the hell could simply attending a black tie dinner secure anyone's financial future?

I'd kick him out for expecting me to believe that, let alone for lying about who he went with.

Please can you tell us some more of his far-fetched stories?

PollyCazaletWannabe · 13/02/2017 13:50

Sorry, just RTFT but my question still stands- why lie?

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 13:59

A good man wouldn't have lied.

That's all the information you need to know OP.

Don't tie your children's life to someone who cannot be trusted.

Isetan · 13/02/2017 14:15

He's not ready to integrate you fully into his life and he will lie to keep you seperate from the bits he doesn't want you involved in. You know he lied and he's still lying and I'd bet big money that there's more skeletons in the cupboard.

You've been naive, don't compound it by being in denial.

OliviaStabler · 13/02/2017 14:34

It does not matter who went with him. There is no reason to lie to you about a black tie dinner. He is hiding something from you, something big I expect.

Run as fast as you can. Please.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 13/02/2017 14:34

No I wouldn't. Why would you?

Millie04 · 13/02/2017 14:59

I think there are 4 essential pillars to support a healthy relationship- love, kindness, respect and trust. He has jeopardised your trust of him and doesn't appear to have provided you with a good reason for doing this. In my experience it is very difficult to rebuild trust. You don't want to be in a relationship where you are questioning things all the time. But if you feel that you can overcome this then I'd sit down with him and discuss clearly what your expectations are, starting off with everything that you do appreciate about your relationship.

Niskayuna · 13/02/2017 16:13

Walter Mitty wanker who keeps you a secret and takes his other girlfriend to events?

What a prize catch!

Get rid, and protect yourself and your children from people like that. They're predators. They seek out the vulnerable.

Huskylover1 · 13/02/2017 17:42

Surely, the ONLY reason to lie about attending an event, is because you are taking someone else....what other plausible reason could there be?????

RedSauce · 13/02/2017 18:13

As somebody said, it shouldn't be this difficult after 8 months. Whether he had sinister motivations for lying to you or not, the point is still that he's not trustworthy, and it's ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS! Why continue with such a relationship when it's clearly only going to end in tears. Move on. You deserve better, there are plenty of men out there that are better.

OliviaStabler · 13/02/2017 18:17

Surely, the ONLY reason to lie about attending an event, is because you are taking someone else....what other plausible reason could there be?????
The people there could ask who the OP is if they know he has a gf or wife.

If he had to go for business reasons alone he could say 'OP, I have a black tie dinner on Thursday, going alone as I need to get A, B and C accomplished, its not a jolly' or 'OP, I have a black tie event on Thursday and I am taking Maureen Smith from ACME Ltd as corporate hospitality'. There is no need to lie.

thisgirlrides · 13/02/2017 20:10

If it's this bloody hard work & you feel this shit after 8 months being together, imagine yourself after 8 years Sad. It doesn't bear thinking about please don't waste your time trying to get answers because you will only ever get to hear what he wants you to.

Please op, listen to advice from everyone on this thread and see this man for the fraud he really is and cut your losses now before it's too late.

ToutesDirections · 13/02/2017 20:32

A relationship with someone who can so causally use dishonesty with the person he is allegedly planning a future with will be very bad for your mental health OP.