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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losingthe plot or is he filling my head full of sh*t

79 replies

Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 21:55

Long thread, please bare with to grasp the issue...

Dp of a year, live together, my place, he moved in with me (covering in case I get asked)

A while back (couple of months or so) he called somebody (randoms stranger out in public) a hefferlump (unsure how to spell sorry) and I said please don't call anybody personal names like that, it sounds awful and I really don't like it, sounded nasty as far as I was concerned. I got a sorry I won't do that again etc he said he was unsure of the meaning so I filled him in on that (basically told him my understanding was a baby elephant so I assumed he was calling this person fat)

Fast forward to tonight, a lady drove a little erratic around my car (I was driving he was passenger) I said silly women, he said hefferlump! I said I told you about using that word? It sounds disgusting coming from your mouth, why you calling people fat? He said Ooooh is that what it means? (Assuming he had absolutely no understanding of the word) I said yeah you knew that! (I raised an eyebrow) he said I thought it meant baby elephant (

OP posts:
Trustyourself2 · 12/02/2017 09:01

A male driver called me a fat bastard once, when he came haring down the road & I'd already entered the road in my car. He was livid, almost foaming at the mouth. It was awful to be on the receiving end of it. Now that's what I'd call name calling.

Tell him about your own experiences and help him to see the error of his ways.

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 09:26

Chuck seriously? We would all be single if we took that attitude, you know full well life doesn't flow like that 😐

Well, obviously not for you. For some of us that's exactly what life is like. And we are very happy with that. :)

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 12/02/2017 09:30

I can see why you were irritated OP, but honestly as an adult of someone said "I told you about saying...." my response would be to tell them to get a grip. And you then made it into a huge deal when it really didn't need to be.

PushingThru · 12/02/2017 09:37

I bet the long winter evenings must just fly by in your house.😣

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 12/02/2017 23:15

notarehearsal could you explain a little more for me please.

Trustyourself I already did do 😒

OP posts:
Montane50 · 12/02/2017 23:42

When he calls people a fat fuck is the time to worry. Blimey I think this is a ridiculous thing to worry about tbh

HarmlessChap · 13/02/2017 00:17

The key factor with insults is intent, if he meant it to be hurtfully insulting then that would be wrong.

However there are far more insulting things to say so I doubt that the intent was there, as such I think your reaction sounded excessive which may well have been quite be bemusing to him which is why he would have been smirking or laughing as I'd expect he's having trouble accepting that you're seriously upset about it.

pregnantat50 · 13/02/2017 01:13

that's a heffalump....very cute

Am I losingthe plot or is he filling my head full of sh*t
notarehearsal · 13/02/2017 07:49

Hashtag26 I guess what I was trying to clumsily point out that calling someone a silly name is no big deal to most people .

Once your dp realised that you became wound up when he did this for the second time despite you explaining what the word meant and that you didn't like it, he may in the future, realise that this is one (negative) way of getting attention. If you carry on with the, imo, quite extreme way of showing your displeasure, instead of just thinking 'what a prat' and shrugging it off this may well escalate. Have a look at what gas lighting is on google, it has to start somewhere

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 13/02/2017 08:10

notarehearsal ah right I see what you mean now yes.

Well if he was to start saying it to purposely get on my case a) I'm not stupid and would acknowledge and b) there would be world war 3 because I am not putting up with childish manchild behavior.

What does IMO mean hun? That's the only abbreviated word I'm unsure of.

I am usually a chilled kind of character but this weekend I've been hard work.

Thank you again for explaining 💋

OP posts:
Steve1970 · 13/02/2017 08:14

I think you are overreacting sorry. If you think heffalump is a bad name to csll somebody you must have lived a very very sheltered life. Ive heard women and men call each other the foulest most vulgar names you can imagine and yo them it seems like every day normal conversation. To me it sounds like you were kust rubbing eachnother up thenwrong way and both of you were looking for an excuse to have an argument. The heffalump thing is just masking the real reason. As somebody else said whats the rest of your relationshio like? This may reveal a lot more.

notarehearsal · 13/02/2017 08:17

IMO means in my opinion

ChuckSnowballs · 13/02/2017 08:21

When he calls people a fat fuck is the time to worry. Blimey I think this is a ridiculous thing to worry about tbh

People ignore red flags at their peril. It might be a childish term but the intent to insult and the trait to insult is there. Also the gaslighting pretending that he doesn't know what it meant. And the sarcasm and smirking on top.

Not good traits unless you like that sort of thing.

ShatnersWig · 13/02/2017 08:53

Some of the worst swearers I know are women drivers. Even the slightest annoying thing from another driver and it's "knobhead" and "fucking wanker" and "knobjockey".

I suggest you don't take a lift with a lot of my friends, OP.

HelenaGWells · 13/02/2017 09:42

I suspect you are projecting due to over sensitivity and your past. When he says it do you feel like he called you fat? Does it give you flashbacks?

To me baby elephant doesn't mean fat it can also infer clumsy, unsteady, unsure, bumbling. If you told him it meant baby elephant tbh I can see why he doesn't necessarily think baby elephant equals fat. If you've ever seen the kids heffalump movie the heffalump is a baby elephant but like all baby elephants it's clumsy, unsteady, doesn't always pay attention etc. I really wouldn't see him seeing heffalump as any different to you saying stupid woman. Calling someone stupid is a personal attack as well.

For the record I don't care what people shout in their cars when they are cut up. The other person never hears it and vocalising your anger can be a good way to calm down quicker and concentrate on the road better.

That said it causing an argument is ridiculous on all counts. It sounds like no one covered themselves in glory here.

Talk to him when you are calm and explain why you dislike it so much, including your feelings about being called fat. Does he know about your past? You need to explain why it bothers you so much. He likely can't understand how you saying stupid woman is fine but him saying heffalump isn't. Doesn't mean he didn't act like twat during an argument but pretty much all arguments are two people acting like twats. When we get angry we loose sense of perspective very quickly.

HappyJanuary · 13/02/2017 12:30

I'd smirk if someone told me off for saying heffalump tbh.

User4466 · 13/02/2017 12:44

If you had given a different example of the same behaviour it may have been considered gas lighting

notarehearsal seriously?! I can't believe some of the things people claim are abusive on this sight! The man was being a twat but really?! Hmm

lightbulbmoon · 13/02/2017 12:52

insulting people for their looks is base and unacceptable and i would have told him to stfu also

lougle · 13/02/2017 13:03

"If you had given a different example of the same behaviour it may have been considered gas lighting."

Not in the slightest! Gaslighting is fundamentally about intent. The abuser is deliberately and schematically twisting the truth to make the other party believe that they are somehow losing their mind. They manipulate events so that the abused party appears incompetent and hapless. It's not the same as someone just feigning ignorance of the fact that a word annoyed someone else.

blueskyinmarch · 13/02/2017 13:12

I reckon heffalump is so far down the list of profanities that in fact, it isn’t even on the list! It is a made up cute, pink character not a grotesque creature. I would laugh if someone said that.

originalbiglymavis · 13/02/2017 13:15

I preferred the woozles myself. Heffalumps are cute though.

Leelaa123 · 13/02/2017 13:52

From personal experience i kno exactly how you feel op. My ex wasn't aa discreet about it he'd say it hopint theyd hear. I asked him and on multiple occasions told him to shut up because not only did it make me feel that if he can say thay about a random person he doesn't kno what does he really think of me but also it's unnecessary and just plain mean

notarehearsal · 13/02/2017 16:46

User4466 Yes, seriously.
I don't think I have anything to add to the statement by lougle but you may find it helpful to google the definition of gas lighting. The smoke screen here is the use of a silly word such as heffalump

muhajaba · 13/02/2017 22:19

You both sound like children to be honest, sorry.

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 13/02/2017 23:01

I mean it's not really an insulting word if he doesn't mean ' you're fat' ... it's just a whinnie the pooh character and my mum uses it endearingly to me. BUT it does do my head in when someone tries to squirm out of something but even if you got over that which wasn't that big of a deal a sure fire way to get my blood absolutely boiling ( I am a total pacifist and have several times wanted to rip someone's hair out) is by laughing at me.
If I'm upset, no matter what at, a person making me feel ridiculous, humiliated, childish and invalid is not okay - and laughing or smirking is just fucking evil. I hate it.