Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losingthe plot or is he filling my head full of sh*t

79 replies

Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 21:55

Long thread, please bare with to grasp the issue...

Dp of a year, live together, my place, he moved in with me (covering in case I get asked)

A while back (couple of months or so) he called somebody (randoms stranger out in public) a hefferlump (unsure how to spell sorry) and I said please don't call anybody personal names like that, it sounds awful and I really don't like it, sounded nasty as far as I was concerned. I got a sorry I won't do that again etc he said he was unsure of the meaning so I filled him in on that (basically told him my understanding was a baby elephant so I assumed he was calling this person fat)

Fast forward to tonight, a lady drove a little erratic around my car (I was driving he was passenger) I said silly women, he said hefferlump! I said I told you about using that word? It sounds disgusting coming from your mouth, why you calling people fat? He said Ooooh is that what it means? (Assuming he had absolutely no understanding of the word) I said yeah you knew that! (I raised an eyebrow) he said I thought it meant baby elephant (

OP posts:
Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:24

Slider no, not at all. I understand your point don't get me wrong, but is calling someone a knobhead the same as calling them for a speech impediment or for maybe having a disability?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:25

I'm happy to fully admit when I wrong... hence the OP.

Sometimes it takes an outsider's pov to help you realise when your acting like a child.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 11/02/2017 22:27

Well, if you don't like something your partner does, then find a better partner.

AreWeThereYet000 · 11/02/2017 22:28

I associate 'heffalump' with meaning fat - however from how you've described he's used it and an insult previously without knowing it's meaning it seems to me that's his go to word to show anger - a bit like calling a drive that cut the corner a 'wanker' for example. He probably didn't stop to look at her appearance and think she's large I'll say heffalump - he probably got the 'road rage' and used his version of 'silly man/woman'

I think it's a massive over reaction from yourself and again the smirk is probably him thinking I can believe this is the result of using the phrase heffalump - must admit I smirked at the reaction reading this (not been nasty I just really can't believe it's escalated to this)

I really don't get the lying - you said at the start of your thread heffalump means baby elephant - he's just repeating what you told him x

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:28

Chuck seriously? We would all be single if we took that attitude, you know full well life doesn't flow like that 😐

OP posts:
Astro55 · 11/02/2017 22:32

I can see why you would be offended - being bullied is horrible experience - but I think your DP is harmlessly showing displeasure in this ladies driving - rather than a personal attack on her - it's different if she heard it though!

A heffalump is a child's speak for elephant -

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:32

Arewethere, the only 2 times he ever used this word was at 2 larger people. He rarely uses it.

He told me the smirk was because I was being hypocritical.

I thought he was lying because he acted dumb at first pretending it didn't know what it meant when I said please don't call people fat and he said oh is that what it means? He said oh I thought it was an elephant, he was using the term elephant to call this lady fat and then pretending he didn't know it meant that when he really did.

OP posts:
DJKKSlider · 11/02/2017 22:33

Tbf, what he said, how you reacted, what the woman would or wouldn't be offended by, etc etc. Its all bollocks really

You asked him not tondo something, he hasn't, but he slipped up.
Question is: now what? If your relationship is otherwise good, move on and forget it. If it isn't good, well that's up to you isnt it?

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:34

Astro, am I the only person on earth that doesn't like hearing loved ones call other people personal names for basically no reason? I find it quite shallow and I don't know why I just think its malicious in someways 😕

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 11/02/2017 22:36

I have sympathy op. But I think you're unlikely to be able to change this part of him (the name-calling). Lots of people don't have a problem with it, but if you do you probably have two options:

  • break up with him (a shame if everything else is ok)
  • learn to deal with his comments/ignore them

However if you're struggling with meds etc I wouldn't make any major decisions just now. Give yourself some space (from him if needed) and see how you feel as time goes on.

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:38

Djkkslider when the 1st PP told me I was hardwork I instantly put my phone down, woke him up and apologised for being what I call picky. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong and hold my hands up.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 11/02/2017 22:39

Hash I don't think it's too bad a word but I suppose language and sayings can vary area to area.

Starting new meds is tough if your being a bit oversensitive you have a good reason to be Flowers

Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:40

Thank you curtains, I'll have a small word tomorrow calmly about name calling around me.

I'll have a good sleep and some reflexion ok my attitude and behavior today :)

Thank you all for your help 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
Hashtag26 · 11/02/2017 22:42

Unborn, over sensitive that's the word I was looking for in my head thank you! Yeah I think I am 👊 thank you for your help 😊 x

OP posts:
RusticMEGan · 11/02/2017 22:49

My mum calls me heffalump because im so heavy footed and bang around the house like a baby elephant Grin

I think you are bu BUT we all have different things that get on our tits and if it annoys you then thats fine. I think he just forgot that you didnt like that word or said it without thinking.

ICanCountToOneHundred · 11/02/2017 22:52

Sometimes words are involuntary (when you stub your toe) I think if you explain your aversion again to that word and he again says it then leave him with good reason

UnbornMortificado · 11/02/2017 22:55

Hash new meds send me batshit being a bit oversensitive is nothing really Grin

KatieScarlett · 11/02/2017 22:55

Haha, my mum used to call me a baby elephant too. I was a clumsy stomper. I am not and have never been overweight. I am still a clumsy stomper though Smile

DJKKSlider · 11/02/2017 22:58

One last thing from me....

You don't ever want to be in my car, Heffalump ain't nothing on what I call idiot drivers. I've been known to make grown men blush with the tirade of blue language from my lips.

reggaesongbird · 12/02/2017 03:54

This thread reminds me of T. rex in the supermarket thread from eons ago. Anyone remember it?

user1486613612 · 12/02/2017 04:53

You cannot impose on someone to stop namecalling people in front of you, you don't have that power to coerce them. I think you should drop it. Why get angry over the bad judgement of others? That is pointless, only inflicts stress in yourself. You could feel sorry for them instead. Don't get upset by things you can't change.

Silverdream · 12/02/2017 06:27

But the lady wouldn't have heard him say it. So what's the problem. If he's gone up to her and said it, then be upset

WipsGlitter · 12/02/2017 08:08

You woke him up to apologise? Now that's annoying!

notarehearsal · 12/02/2017 08:31

I can actually see why you are annoyed op. It's the wind up type behaviour that seems to have annoyed you, the oh so innocent 'ooooh is THAT what that word means?' when you have already explained. If you had given a different example of the same behaviour it may have been considered gas lighting. I think it's because it's clear to most people here that the word heffalump isn't one that would spring to mind as abusive. It actually sounds quite silly. I think he sounds a wind up but you do sound a bit precious and I think it won't be long until he escalates this behaviour unless you change the way you are relating to him