Dp really is an utter twat. Discuss.

[midlifehope]

Dp has just had a go at my this evening for an incident that happened this morning where HE jumped on the bonnet of MY car as I was rolling down the drive to go somewhere. I had the kids in with me who saw all this. I got to the bottom of the drive and stopped and motioned for him to get off, which he did and I carried on driving.

Tonight he started a viscous argument where he had the audacity to blame me for going too fast while he was on my bonnet. WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK get on the bonnet of a moving car in the first place - freaking out a mother of 2 small kids, and being a terrible role model in terms of safe behaviour?????

I'd still be really interested to know why he did it. You said he thought it was a joke, and your eldest found it funny. What was the context?

I can't say he's a twat or whatever until I know that, because I've only ever known one other person do that and it was definitely a badly devised joke with no malice behind it. A friend's dh threw himself across the bonnet as we were leaving saying 'take me with you' because we were going for a day out, and his mother had just arrived unexpectedly.

What was he saying, why did he do it?

I thought that was the case midlife re your childhood; that is why I asked. People tend to repeat what they already know and we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

You certainly know about the tactics such people use. However, you are now showing your children a probably not too dissimilar example as to what you were shown yourself as a child. Do you really not think you deserve better treatment?. Its more important that your home and joint finances.

I was going to a bank appointment and then visiting a friend. I didn't tell him about the bank appointment as he is controlling re money. So I was doing both. It would have ruined both if I was later.

It would have ruined both if I was later.

Sorry but you were still wrong to carry on driving. You could have seriously injured or killed him.

So, your relationship is less than ideal but you don't want to either go through the bother of separating your finances/divorce or to leave your oh-so-perfect house thus keeping kids and self in dysfunctional relationship - is that the gist of it? Well, I'm not sure how we can help. He was being a twonk for leaping on your bonnet a la 80's movie action star in his bid to control you.... and you are being a twonk for keeping your kids in this family situation just cause you live in a nice house.

Neonrainbow, so you clearly don't understand the cunning dynamics and tactics of emotional abusers. I do because I live with him. Stop defending him. I actually cannot be arsed to engage.

Ah, I see. The thread title is 'Dp really is an utter twat. Discuss' Obviously you hit the post button too soon, what you really meant to write was 'Dp really is an utter twat. Discuss only as long as you agree with me'. I'm sure MNHQ would amend the title for you if you ask them nicely.

Op you are just like my mother. Our childhood was utterly miserable and one of the things I remember her saying to me as a teen was "Why should I leave him now I have just got a dishwasher." We used to pray they would separate we told them too but mum always said you could not have the lovely life you have without him. Well I am here to tell you I would rather have had a poorer and peaceful home life rather than live with two people who did not love each other. They thought they had hidden it from us well. They are still together living separate lives in the same house and bitching at each other when they visit us. Desperately sad.

Midlife you don't need MN autorisation to end a frankly ridiculously toxic and dysfunctional relationship.

I do have experience of being in an abusive relationship actually. What i did was stop making excuses for why i shouldnt leave him and i ended it. It was hard but no harder than living with him every day. You say you know he's abusive and controlling but you don't want to leave him because of your nice house and because it would take effort. So what exactly are you trying to achieve?

You both sound like twats. Discuss.

Him for jumping onto the bonnet of a moving car and you for not stopping immediately once he had done so.

You put yourself in the wrong by not stopping because it gives him the opportunity to claim that it was threatening behaviour from you. If he does that then you will be in the position of having to prove that it wasn't.

You also both set a disgraceful example to the children, and I find it very disturbing actually that your eldest found it funny. Will he think that it is OK to carry people on the bonnet when he is able to drive, or that it is harmless fun??

Cars are potentially lethal weapons. Why the fuck do you need to be taught what to do if someone jumps onto your bonnet? You stop of course!! Why would you do anything else? Why wouldn't your instinct be to stop automatically?

You both sound as bad as each other.

What would you have done if he had fallen off and you then run him over?

Sorry, neon. But could you reach back and use that experience to allow you some empathy.

OP isn't at the Fuck Him I'm Leaving stage yet... and your bitter diatribe won't be helping her change how she views her relationship.

Your current stance will just reinforce her belief that she is where she is because she is wrong and deserves nothing better! Which, I hope, is not what YOU are trying to achieve!

... neon and others... it seems!

You say you know he is abusive. He is pulling you down with him. Stop letting it happen. See a solicitor and get some advice. Maybe you and your children won't have to leave your house, but he might.

Didn't you have the kids with you? I'm which case, wouldn't they have given the game away later about the bank appointment?

I didn't realise my relationship was abusive until long after i left and i still managed to get out of it. She knows he's abusive but she's happy to stay because she likes her house. Forgive me for not being empathetic.

I doubt she's happy. I suspect she has posted here as part of her trying ot work out what the hell she can and can't do to change things.

I'm all for a blunt message, but have little time for spite!

Grady fucker, aren't you neon?

Goady, even.

This is one messed up situation, firstly him jumping on the car because he's trying to control you and then you for not stopping because you don't want him to control you. I really think you should get some legal advice and leave, next time something like this happens one of you might end up injured or worse, with your kids in the front row.

Regardless of how nice the house is the kids won't remember that in therapy in a few years time after witnessing this toxic relationship.

The car incident was a terrible example you both set for your children and him being a twat doesn't absolve you from acting responsibly.

I'm a bit that the OP didn't know what to do if someone jumps on the car, I don't drive but it's obvious you stop the car isn't it...?

Trying to understand the incident, did he run from behind and hurl himself on the bonnet or were you rolling towards him when he jumped on?

Weird thing to do either way.

He is utterly unhinged and believe me there are nicer homes out there just look harder and get out quick!