Husband cannot cope with criticism.

[Eddie900]

Marriage is pretty good. One (major) problem. Husband cannot cope with criticism.

If I raise an issue, he point blank refuses to discuss. Gets really annoyed very quickly.
He's fine if I bring up every day, minor 'issues'...(e.g. Please don't walk on the clean floor with your dirty work boots on when I've just cleaned!) but cannot handle me saying he's let me down/ I'm hurt by something he's said/ he's upset me. He gets annoyed, won't acknowledge what I've said and walks away. Avoids me for a while!
It makes no difference how I raise the 'issue'. I've tried discussin as soon as there's an issue, tried discussin it a while later when we are both calm...Doesn't help.
Anyone else in same situation?
Drives me insane.

Place marking.

Om - the problem with people like this is that there's NEVER a time to dicusss it calmly. Why would there be - what is the pay off for them?

And why would they want to remedy the problem - that would mean having to admit that there IS a problem in the first place. Much easier to go on the attack

" well you are some kind of nutter. You obviously have OCD, you are always cleaning that floor and yet you never have time to have sex wth me, I can see what your priorities are , you don't give a shit about me or my feelings . You are a shit wife and mother "

That way your wife learns to never complain again . And of course to feel guilty about cleaning AND not having more sex. And wonder if maybe it IS her fault after all, that she has unreasonable expectations.

After all, men don't really see dirt do they ? And maybe its too much to expect him to take off his shoes, after a busy day at work . Or maybe he was too drunk after a night out with his mates, so it's not his fault.

Kristina is spot on, with some people it is never how you say something.

I mentioned this on another thread and really worth reading "the verbally abusive relationship, how to recognise it and respond" by Patrica Evans.

I assumed verbal abuse was name calling but it can be invalidating feelings, getting angry for no logical or rational reason.

This is well explained in the book.

What is present in an unhealthy "power over someone " relotionship is:
Inequality, competition, manipulation, hostility, control, negation

What is lacking is: equality, partnership, mutuality, goodwill, Intimacy , validation

I'm in the same situation my husband is very sensitive to what ever I criticise him about. Have to tread carefully. Had counciling it did help but still have moments when it's not good. Have two children as well and sometimes they get caught in the middle of it even if I say stop let's put kids to bed then talk he will ignore me and still carry on

How do you respond when he criticizes you and tells you all the ways you have let him down or made him mad or hurt his feelings?

He only does that in a argument and when he does It don't bother me anymore because I'm used to what he says. It used to hurt my feelings and sometimes it still does but I've learnt to grow a back bone against him.

I'm struggling to understand how anyone in any relationship expects a positive response from criticism.
That's a poor communication style. If you want a positive response try reframing your position and approach the issues respectfully.

I understand I probably would of got a negative response it was how he went about it. Could of been better. If someone criticise me I would change it. Why react in a verbal aggressive manner?

www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/critical-spouse-signs/#Is_it_OK_to_criticize_your_spouse

You're killing your marriage by using criticism to be heard. Apply the same argument to your children, friends, colleagues, reverse, husband who criticizes his wife.
It's pretty shocking.

Basically what's happening is a lack of object constancy. When he hears criticism his ego can't tolerate it and he thinks with the oldest part of his brain which is why he feels angry and says things no one should. In that moment he will sacrifice anything to protect his ego. Thing is, when he calms down he still lacks the psychological strength to be honest with himself about what has happened so hurts you further by putting his ego ahead of your marriage. This won't change without therapy, and therapy on his own, not with you. But again, because of his ego running the show how likely is he to be mature enough to see how he is strangling the intimacy out of his relationships?

Ah wtf dug this up?

Probably someone confused and hurting googled the issue looking for advice?

Oops it's old 🤣🤣

My H is exactly like this— it got to the point where I was on the phone to our adult son who heard his dad ranting about something trivial and criticising me in the background and after the call ended sent a ‘family group’ WhatsApp telling his dad ‘his attitude towards me sucked and to learn better ways of dealing with frustration’ my Hs response on WhatsApp — ‘look in the mirror’ — you see if it was me I would have felt mortified that my own son felt it necessary to point out that my attitude sucked— I honestly think so many people but more men just can’t stand any negative comments about their attitude/behaviour - even when they clearly are in the wrong and should be apologising and using a bit of self reflection

@Sjw69 Maybe start a new thread, or you'll just get a lot of people commenting on the OP's issues from 5 years ago.

@Hermonie2016, @BantyCustards, @Kr1stina, @Cinderford, add my exh to your little family. Cunt.

This is absolutely the most informative thread I’ve ever read on MN. I think I’ve just had an insight into my DH’s mind (always right, can’t back down). I could never understand how you could love someone but not want to try to make them happier or put something right, especially if you’ve made a balls of a situation. But it is just as if he wants to see if I’ll dig in and follow through when I bring something up that’s bothered me - he’s king of ‘digging in’ and can hold his line forever. It feels like he’s punishing me and teaching me a lesson. Not nice.

As he is no sensitive about criticism, and the suggestion that he isn't a great husband, perhaps you could use that angle to raise this with him. In a calm moment, explain that you love him, you have a good marriage, but we're all human and sometimes do things that hurt or annoy other people. It isn't the end of the world when someone points that out HOWEVER his appalling response to such comments is what is risking your marriage ending. That is a genuine marriage-breaking issue. He could put that right here and now by engaging in discussions and not walking away or getting angry.

That said, would you say your marriage is otherwise great? You've mentioned that more than once a month you are raising more significant issues with him, which makes me wonder if there are more problems than this?

*SO sensitive, not NO sensitive

Just saw it's an old one!

@Crikeyalmighty

My H is exactly like this— it got to the point where I was on the phone to our adult son who heard his dad ranting about something trivial and criticising me in the background and after the call ended sent a ‘family group’ WhatsApp telling his dad ‘his attitude towards me sucked and to learn better ways of dealing with frustration’ my Hs response on WhatsApp — ‘look in the mirror’ — you see if it was me I would have felt mortified that my own son felt it necessary to point out that my attitude sucked— I honestly think so many people but more men just can’t stand any negative comments about their attitude/behaviour - even when they clearly are in the wrong and should be apologising and using a bit of self reflection

Can I just say well done raising such a brave and moral son. What a credit to you.

Thankyou sooo much bookmark no one has ever put it the way u have I totally get it now. Uve been a massive help thankyou again

Sorry ment to say speakball couldn't remember your username

@MollyRover. Thank you— my son himself can be a bit blunt as he has adult diagnosed ADHD but I did think at the time ‘nice one’ -

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