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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cannot cope with criticism.

100 replies

Eddie900 · 09/02/2017 10:42

Marriage is pretty good. One (major) problem. Husband cannot cope with criticism.

If I raise an issue, he point blank refuses to discuss. Gets really annoyed very quickly.
He's fine if I bring up every day, minor 'issues'...(e.g. Please don't walk on the clean floor with your dirty work boots on when I've just cleaned!) but cannot handle me saying he's let me down/ I'm hurt by something he's said/ he's upset me. He gets annoyed, won't acknowledge what I've said and walks away. Avoids me for a while!
It makes no difference how I raise the 'issue'. I've tried discussin as soon as there's an issue, tried discussin it a while later when we are both calm...Doesn't help.
Anyone else in same situation?
Drives me insane.

OP posts:
Cinderford · 12/02/2017 12:02

Eddie, he is subconsciously training you not to criticise him, because his reaction makes it not worth the effort. My XH would provoke me (e.g by not doing something I'd asked him to), get me furiously angry so that I put myself in the wrong, then sulk until I apologised. In the end, it wasn't worth the effort of asking him to do chores, so I did everything myself.

Divorcing him was an absolute nightmare. He'd got used to me backing down to keep the peace, you see, so when I refused to he didn't know how to react. In the end, it was very liberating Grin

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 12:03

I really don't think he is 'training me not to bring things up'. It is definitely abusive though.

Well you wouldn't because you are the one being trained. It is all part of the system of how he manages you.

Hermonie2016 · 12/02/2017 13:12

Eddie, I assumed I could help my stbxh, but his tactics such as ignoring (actually stonewalling), getting angry and walking away give HIM what he wants.He has no incentive to change because there is a positive payoff for his behaviour.

He gets to decide what is raised and when he will answer you.

It's about control (and maybe linked to poor self esteem) but unless he sees a benefit in changing, he won't.I agree it's deeply ingrained.
I have had to end my marriage over this, it's not what I want but I couldn't live with the relationship.It's covert abuse which makes it so hard to explain to outsiders.

I think as his confidence grew (using his tactics) I was not able to raise anything.It's been devasting for me and my children and still recent but I know I cant change it.

My stbxh went to counselling but it just reinforced his victim status.He was not willing to admit his faults and painted me as this unreasonably angry partner.
Outwardly he appears the most calm and mild man and it was the case until my dependency on him grew.Once there was a power imbalance he started to change and we had to follow his 'secret' agenda.My needs got met if it suited him, which is why he appeared nice some times.

Hermonie2016 · 12/02/2017 13:18

I think my stbxh knew he was upsetting me but rather than be honest about his selfish nature(he loved for everyone to think of him as a good guy) he would just go ahead and do whatever and then argue/ignore me if I raised an issue.He would also 'pay me back', let me down at critical times, if I had inadvertently upset him.I never knew what was actually going on and it just builds up over time.

BantyCustards · 12/02/2017 13:20

It really is 'training'

BantyCustards · 12/02/2017 13:23

And my experience was very like Hermione's - he was that good he had a court wrapped around his poor little wounded finger whilst he was bust subversively attacking.

Cinderford · 12/02/2017 16:24

Hermonie and Banty our ex-husbands must have been triplets separated at birth! Grin

Cinderford · 12/02/2017 16:25

That business of being 'paid back' by being let down at critical times - yes, mine too. I'm sooo much happier single.

Kr1stina · 12/02/2017 16:37

Hermonie and Banty our ex-husbands must have been triplets separated at birth

No they are quads. My ex is the other one. It's quite weird reading your posts becaue it's like you know him

Cinderford · 12/02/2017 18:14

Kr1stina Grin

BantyCustards · 12/02/2017 19:09

There's a manual they all read

juswonderin · 13/02/2017 01:05

EddieHave you heard of alexthymia? www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/alexithymia-does-my-partn_b_8130914.html

Original poster
Eddie900 · 13/02/2017 08:06

Jus wondering. .... no I hadn't. It sounds VERY like my husband. I will look into this further. Thanks.

OP posts:
muminxx · 13/02/2017 14:14

Adding to the pile, having similar issues with dh Sad Can't seem to discuss certain things in a calm manner when we have opposing views. He immediately enters a defensive mode and it becomes more of a fight/heated debate. I try to tell him I don't want to fight and argue just talk about it calmly but he just doesn't snap out of the fighting mode. He often blows my views/standpoint out of proportion to the extreme end of the spectrum too.

I don't know if there is anything I could do to prevent him getting agitated and defensive, there might be a technique of some kind. Historically I have been happy in the relationship (don't want to leave or anything) and there are many good aspects but the stress of a baby has meant issues have cropped up and I think most of them stem from the difficulty discussing things. He's not a person who's into talking about emotions which I knew, and not everyone is, he's not unempathic or anything, but sometimes I think he's very wrapped up in himself so maybe he doesn't see things from my perspective.

As opposed to other men described here thankfully he doesn't stay angry/sulking for long even after a bad argument leave him by his computer for a while, come back and it's fine again Smile issue might not be resolved though...

Anyway no advice just wanted to say somewhat similar experience here...

PossibiliTea · 14/02/2017 23:09

Fresh evidence of this today. I didn't get a valentines card. I got him one and gifts. Not a big deal but when he asked if I was angry I just said "I'm a little disappointed but it doesn't really matter I'm just being mard"

I don't mention it again apart from when I am on instagram and say "ah that's nice"(no sarcasm or time just a genuine reaction) to something my friend got. His response was "so I'll obviously never hear the end of this now" and it's all on me...???? How?!

PossibiliTea · 14/02/2017 23:10

Or tone sorry*

BantyCustards · 15/02/2017 17:22

That's just goady, OP. And a very unpleasant thing to say. He has no respect for your feelings nor your opinions

Original poster
Eddie900 · 15/02/2017 21:26

Bantycustard...Im confused...are you calling me goady?!

My husband is currently downstairs ignoring me..again. Every night he goes upstairs and plays on playstation for hours. I asked him tonight if he really enjoys doing this and that I'm getting fed up that he's not doing more for us/ acts like a child etc. He disappeared downstairs. Is currently doing dishes but won't speak to me...again. This marriage is not fun.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 15/02/2017 21:36

No, what he said to you about your Instagram comment - painting you as some sort of hen pecking nag when in fact he's been a completely thoughtless, uncaring arse.

Original poster
Eddie900 · 15/02/2017 22:27

Ah, that was Posibilitea. Not me!

OP posts:
Canlifegetbetter · 15/02/2017 22:57

Eddie, do you try to speak to him and does he just ignore you? My stbxh would do this and I realised it goes beyond ignoring as it's a refusal to discuss an issue important to me, which is stonewalling.It's highly destructive as your feelings are invalidated and he gets to continue his behaviour without justification or hearing of your upset.

There is a benefit to him to act this way, even if it hurts your relationship, what you have to figure is what does he get from ignoring you and refusing to talk? People act this way because there is a payoff.

I would advise you to keep a journal as you start to see the behaviour as a pattern.
Don't react to him, often he wants you to get angry and then he can justify his behaviour.

Original poster
Eddie900 · 15/02/2017 23:23

Thanks Canlife. I've started keeping a journal. Makes for a sad read.

I don't want my life to continue like this.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 19/02/2017 20:08

Journaling is good: you have it written down to go back to instead of having your own sanity questioned and then systematically eroded as time goes on. I wish I had done it.

adaloveslace · 19/02/2017 23:39

Rarely post here, but this thread has made me so sad. I think several of you are married to my husband. He is fundamentally a good person, but his inability to deal with criticism or have difficult conversations, and the resulting lies he has told me over years and years, have led us into an awful situation financially, and have seriously shaken our marriage. I'm trying to keep my head above water and keep things stable for the kids, and I suppose I still love him and have empathy for him, but I am struggling to forgive him. And I have lost respect for him. He thinks we're fine, only because he's burying his head in the sand. Again. Sorry to know others are going through this but also relieved that I am not completely alone. It's so hard.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 19/02/2017 23:56

I think you have to learn to use constructive criticism and say things with love and in a light hearted way. Choose not to blow your top. Instead say to him 'when you are ready, we can discuss this together'. Then wait. Calmly.

He needs to learn to aknowledge your feelings and empathise a bit. So 'oh dear, I've made your floor all dirty, after all your hard work'. He might even want to remedy issues too. 'I can mop that bit of floor'