Husband cannot cope with criticism.

[Eddie900]

Marriage is pretty good. One (major) problem. Husband cannot cope with criticism.

If I raise an issue, he point blank refuses to discuss. Gets really annoyed very quickly.
He's fine if I bring up every day, minor 'issues'...(e.g. Please don't walk on the clean floor with your dirty work boots on when I've just cleaned!) but cannot handle me saying he's let me down/ I'm hurt by something he's said/ he's upset me. He gets annoyed, won't acknowledge what I've said and walks away. Avoids me for a while!
It makes no difference how I raise the 'issue'. I've tried discussin as soon as there's an issue, tried discussin it a while later when we are both calm...Doesn't help.
Anyone else in same situation?
Drives me insane.

When you have known no other way to manage conflict , reacting that way becomes a reflex - you don't plan to do it, it just happens. He probably doesn't understand it himself.*

That's what I was hypothesising,
succinctly put lotta.

Definitely conflict avoidance and an inability to deal with emotions.

My husband had exactly the same thing going on, all learned from his parents. He is now in therapy (his choice) and the difference in him is remarkable.

Whether our marriage will survive is another question as there is a lot of hurt and huge trust issues that we have to overcome.

The first hurdle is acceptance, then you can really work on improving things. As things stand at the moment, his behaviour will not suddenly change and I urge you to read up as much as you can about conflict avoidance and emotional immaturity in men.

Don't wait 10 years like I did......

Don't wait 10 years like I did

Me too. I wasted 10 years thinking it was down to insecurity and if I loved and understood him enough he would change and be less of a selfish self centred arse.

Which is bollocks of course. People only change because they want to and are willing to put in the hard work to make it happen.

'Which is bollocks of course. People only change because they want to and are willing to put in the hard work to make it happen'

Quite right. It is utter bollocks, as is any suggestion that its because he's a man (they're all the same you know) and just needs to spend time in his cave

Its very hard work changing yourself. Bloody hard and painful work but for me, it was the best work I have ever done. And only you can do it

My dh is like this. He works. I'm a sahm to two dc Sen. I don't ever shout but I do try and have a reasonable discussion about how I'm struggling and how I could use more help from him I.e when he doesn't leave the house until 7.30 and we're all up from 6am why he rolls over, or uses his phone and then gets himself ready when I'm left getting me and two dc ready. Same as asking if he's the last out of our bedroom and he locks it would he mind straightening the duvet. He will then make an excuse rather than just acknowledge or there is some snippy come back. I'm tired of being a servant but when he was growing up and even now his mother worships him and he's the king so I'm not sure he'll ever change.

'Which is bollocks of course. People only change because they want to and are willing to put in the hard work to make it happen'

Yep totally agree with this too and this
is exactly why I'm still with my husband right now. Because he is making a huge effort to deal with these ingrained behaviours. Also, I didn't have to badger him to go to therapy, he did it because he recognised his behaviours were totally destructive and wanted to change.

So the first part is acceptance because if they don't accept then there will never be any palpable change. Also many people who behave like this are just not aware, to them it's normal. Unfortunately stubbornness often prevents a person from what's staring them in the face. Luckily my husband was fully accepting but only time will tell just how much ch change can take place and whether our relationship can be repaired

My ex found criticism hard to deal with, in his case (I think) because he was always the family idiot; his parents would always regale visitors with stories about all the stupid things he had ever done in his life, as a form of entertainment around the dining table. And even though he was an adult they would constantly laugh at his ideas and plans, telling him what they thought he should be doing instead (basically doing exactly what they did). At the same time, no conflict ever took place in his family home as his parents simply always told everyone what to do - so he never learned how to deal with conflict.

There was no way he would have gone to therapy about that, as his whole energy was put into not being wrong and looking stupid. Therapy would have meant admitting he was wrong and had faults, and he couldn't even contemplate that. Still can't. It's sad really.

When my husband gets mad usually I get really angry. I'm not normally an angry person at all.

The incidents I'm talking about are usually when I'm criticising something he has done. A particular incident. I'm criticising how he acted but I think he probably does see it as a criticism of who he is.

He does criticise me but usually over small things and never stuff that happened in the past (E.g. Yesterday, two hours ago).

He seems to struggle with the 'unexpectedness' of what I'm saying. It's not easy.

My STBXH is like this. That's (partly) why we are splitting up. He is never, never wrong in his eyes. He can convince himself that black is white but it doesn't work on me anymore.
Unfortunately now we are getting divorced he has stepped it up and now is sending me shitty rude letters from his solicitor full of lies about things I haven't done.

When my husband gets mad usually I get really angry. I'm not normally an angry person at all.

Eddie, my XH had this effect on me too, to the extent that I thought I had an anger management problem. I didn't; I had a husband problem. The poster above said that her XH would have argued that black was white, and I recognise that, too.

He was passive-aggressive, though I didn't realise that until the very end of our marriage. If I'd know earlier, things might have been different. I would have reacted differently, and called him out on his shitty behaviour. He'd learnt it from his mother, who is a mistress of emotional manipulation. Your DH's behaviour will be very ingrained, and I'd suggest counselling to help him examine it and - hopefully - overcome it.

Eddie, counselling will only work if he believes he has an issue.I suspect he doesn't believe he has a problem.

I left my ex for the same reason, passive aggressive, black & white thinking, failure to see someone else perspective.It's just draining and crazy making to live like this.

Firstly when he's angry, don't react."Observe not absorb".It's important you don't change who you are because of his provocation.
I would actually seek counselling for yourself..also write a journal.What are the incidents, how are you raising it, what is his responses etc.

I suspect he uses anger as a way of diverting you and invalidating your feelings.
Once I learnt to stand back and not react I was able to see more clearly what was happening.
It's was very unhealthy and toxic but ex was not able to see his part and just blamed me.

I completely agree with Hermonie

Yep lots of PA behaviour here too and he had the ability to make me so angry I feel like I want to smash his face in. How unhealthy does that sound!?

Fortunately, these incidents are becomming less and less frequent and he wants to change so much, for me, for himself, for our child. He fully admits that he has been an absolute nightmare to be married to at times and he is truly disgusted with himself. I have seen him cry and show more genuine emotion in the last few months than I have in 10 years of marriage.

He'd learnt it from his mother, who is a mistress of emotional manipulation. Your DH's behaviour will be very ingrained

This with fucking bells on!

This is my DH also. If I bring up anything (like being caught out in lies, another issue) he will state blankly into space while I talk to him about how it makes me feel. If I talk for a long time, it will usually end up with the only thing him saying (bellowing) is "well, you clearly want to end the marriage, so why talk at all anymore?!". Afterwards, he will just avoid me until I am the bigger person and offer the olive branch. We are having relationship issues - I'm fed up with it. As I result, I told confide in him or have any meaningful relationships - we are like siblings who live together. I would very much like him to go to counselling as I do worry that the kids might find themselves on the wrong side of him (and the relationship would be severed, no violence or anything physical).

Bloody autocorrect. I don't confide in him.

Some of the descriptions here sound very, very like my husband. Good not to feel so alone but also sad knowing so many people are battling this.

I agree that counselling won't work unless he accepts there is a problem. He says he knows he's in the wrong but he doesn't really believe that. He's just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

To be honest, I get angry before he does. He blanks me, ignores my needs...only when I get upset 'push him' does he get angry. Generally he just seems lost when I'm annoyed with him. This marriage is really getting me down. :-(.

I am in the same boat Eddie. We went to 2 different therapists. 1st one he quite liked but then changed his mind that therapist was biased. So we stopped going. I had to persuade him for 1 whole year before he went to 2nd therapist (after many times changing mind). He has convinced therapist 2 that I criticise a lot. I felt quite cornered in the session. dh tells me first I need to change my complaining nature, if he sees change for some time, then he will make efforts. I feel he thinks he has no flaws, he knows the best and needs to be in control. Does it happen in your case too, Eddie? It's very tiring. I don't feel very hopeful. It seems like very few people want to introspect, and defensive people rarely do that.

The PPs who have said that Eddie's husband will only engage with counselling if he accepts that he has a problem are absolutely right. I had a similar experience to imconfused when we went to Relate. XH put on his most charming and reasonable face, the frankly incompetent counsellor decided I was a fruitcake, and I ended up feeling ganged up on.

There's a book on Amazon called Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man which I read whilst we were divorcing. It's especially good on how a PA man is able to make a normally calm person incandescent with fury.

I'm confused - he's gaslighting you.

No, I wouldn't say my husband believes he has no flaws. The opposite in fact. I think his self-esteem is really low. I think he doesn't try to talk/ acknowledge my feelings when we have a problem coz he doesn't know how to and because his current pattern of behaviour (walking away, ignorin, shouting) is so ingrained.
He doesn't have the confidence to try to 'make up' with me. I don't think he's doing any of this deliberately.

Cinderford...your description from the book describes our situation so well....'make a normally calm person incandescent with rage'. Perfectly put.

I wish there was am easy answer but there isn't. :-(.

If I bring up anything (like being caught out in lies, another issue) he will state blankly into space while I talk to him about how it makes me feel. If I talk for a long time, it will usually end up with the only thing him saying (bellowing) is "well, you clearly want to end the marriage, so why talk at all anymore?!". Afterwards, he will just avoid me until I am the bigger person and offer the olive branch. We are having relationship issues - I'm fed up with it. As I result, I told confide in him or have any meaningful relationships - we are like siblings who live together

This is EXACTLY like my ex. He lied all the time about everything big and small, important and trivial .

If I talked to him about anything, he would do that sulky teenager thing of sitting defiantly and pointedly not listening . Sometimes he'd start to look at his phone. Then he'd say

" well I've listened to you for x minutes now, can I go now ? "

and stomp out. He thought he was a great guy because he didn't hit me and he had " listened " to me.

Then he'd sulk for days or weeks and the kids would suffer until I apologised . So I ended up just coping with him like an unpleasant flatmate.

The problem with people like that is that you have no way of coping with any issues that occur between you. If you ever try to discuss it, it ends up like I described. So You try to let things go, but that doesn't work forever.

So you have to swallow your annoyance day aftre day. Once you've done this every day for ten years , it destroys any feeling you ever had for them.

This is all about training you not to bring things up and is incredibly abusive.

How often is he doing things to upset you in the first place?

We've been together 12 years. and I can count on one hand the times I've had to bring up something like this with my OH. If he behaved like this when I did, I'd have to rethink the whole relationship.

Chuck - I agree it's about training you not to raise issues. Which works great for him in the short term. He gets to do what he likes 100% of the time and you have to deal with the consequences. E.g. Clear up all his mess because he won't , always do things because he does them wrong

But having to swallow all that anger and resentment makes you angry and /or ill. And totally destroys love and intimacy.

I really don't think he is 'training me not to bring things up'. It is definitely abusive though.

Chucksnowballs- He does do things that upset me...more than once a month. :-(.

Kr1stina, I know what you mean by sulking for days/ weeks. dh is like that. Why do they do that? I don't think my dh lies, and not sure if he gaslights me. He thinks of him as a victim because I have complained about his behaviour to him over the years. He really believes that I am the one to blame. He has admitted a few times, that he knows he has hurt me and gets too angry. But this realisation is when he is calm, and it's this kind of self awareness is rare. In moments of anger (as a reaction to perceived or real criticism), he tells me I am the one who is to be blamed for our problems. I think it's his need to be defensive. I no longer know what to believe.