Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH's inappropriate texting. What do you think?

182 replies

Somethinglady9 · 07/02/2017 23:23

DH and I used to live in Paris and we own a flat in Paris and we have tenants - a young woman who is probably late twenties and her boyfriend. (I am early 30s and DH is 40.)

DH went on business to Paris last week. He checked on our flat, checked the tenants were happy, organised some repairs and went to his business meetings. We have had these tenants for five years and DH had always dealt with them, so he has the relationship with them.

He got back tonight and as soon as he came through the door said he wanted me to read a wats app conversation he'd had with the female tenant so that he and I had "no secrets." Turns out the female tenant's boyfriend was away the whole time he was there, so they had, had a couple of drinks together.

So the wats app conversation was a follow on from their drink. Apparently she was having problems with her boyfriend and had confided in him about it. He had told her that he was missing us (me and the DC) so it was a sort of mutual drowning of sorrows and a follow up to their chat.

Then there was another meeting organised with her, DH and mine and DH's good friend who visited him there for a few days. So there was the organising of that drink, times, places, literally a blow by blow of the minutae of what they are doing. "Getting dressed now," "on my way," "just leaving the gym have to have a shower." Hardly formal tenant/landlord conversation but not inappropriate. Then presumably they have the drink with mine and DH's mutual friend.

Then later that night she wats apps again"are you up?" Etc "it was good to talk to you about my problems." Anyway this turns into a full on counselling session where DH is telling her she's young and good looking and could meet someone better. This is arguably, also interspersed with him sending her pics of our DC and saying how much he loves his family.

Then it gets to a point where she says "just come over. I've got booze and cocaine." From what I can see DH turns her down - "I'm too tired, sorry. Besides I think if you want to save your relationship it's probably not the best idea for you to be inviting men over like that." Then from the looks of things she's called him crying and they've had a phone chat with her begging him to come over.

Then back to wats apps - and this is the bit I'm having trouble with - he says "drink some water, go to bed, touch yourself if you can't sleep! Goodnight xxx"

Then even later that night (early hours of the morning) she sends a picture of her cat, Which DH responds to (apparently he LOVED her cat when he visited her flat, to be fair, DH loves cats,) the chat continues all night until the morning and they are sending each other pictures of what they are eating for breakfast, the places they are going, what they are thinking (now unrelated to relationships just general "banter.")

And it ends today before he got on the flight.

I said, obviously this is inappropriate. I'm not going to leave you over it but it's inappropriate and you have to acknowledge how it is inappropriate and then we can move on. He also can't explain why he told her to touch herself. He says it was just a joke.

He is now annoyed with me for not having the reaction he expected. He said he thought I would find it funny (?!) and he is sulking and saying he wishes he had deleted it and not been so honest.

DH has a very low guilt threshold so I know he showed it to me out of guilt despite what he says. But now I am feeling a bit confused and conflicted. DH wants to forget about it as quickly as possible (of course.)

What do you think I should do from here?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2017 18:11

I assume that last comment is ironic, Jo

jobanana · 08/02/2017 18:15

Yep, it sure is : )

Although I do feel vaguely sorry for him. In a very very altruistic sort of way. Because I really can't work out why he would have all that contact and really about the touching and then show his wife. It seems quite mad. So I can only assume he has no idea what he's doing and was just reacting and then it all went wrong as he got probably an unexpected reaction back and then he got cold feet and knew that somehow he'd been bad.

Idiot.

jobanana · 08/02/2017 18:15

I would take him out for a long walk and then make him stay in his basket for a week.

With his favourite cat.

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/02/2017 18:23

I think he went over. I think he added the last message to make it look like he didn't!!

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/02/2017 18:28

Also agree with the PP who said if my tenant was knowingly doing coke on my premises I'd be evicting them too!

HorridHenryrule · 08/02/2017 18:35

Why did he answer the messages in the first place. He probably enjoyed the attention. I don't know whether he has done anything from what you have posted. I would've been pissed and suspicious. If you can take over looking after the tenants. Your husband has just shat on the doorstep for everyone to see. I am sorry to say but he's a very stupid man.

Muddlewitch · 08/02/2017 18:41

From reading your op it seems like there was a gap between her phoning him (following the 'touch yourself' comment) and the cat picture, is that right? I hope I am wrong but I strongly suspect that they met up during that gap and then she sent that picture, double meaning and all, after he left to engage him back in conversation.

Whatever happened though, it is not for him to dictate how you should feel about it or what your reaction should be.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2017 18:42

What are your thoughts now, op ?

Original poster
Somethinglady9 · 08/02/2017 18:51

Well he gave me his phone to see the whole message thread that I'd already seen and told me to read it over and over again. There were also some voice messages on there which I listened to. They were him giving her advice about her relationship, just a repeat of "if you want to save your relationship, stop inviting other men over for booze and cocaine late at night. If my wife was doing that, however innocent, I would be very upset."

So that gives him a bit more credit, but the touch yourself comment is still a huge issue (as is the constant texting/pics of daily life and the fact he just kept replying instead go shutting it down.) He says he just doesn't know why he said it, but that's not really good enough for me.

He also keeps saying he was worried about her and I shouldn't be upset with him for showing her empathy. FFS. I told him she's not a priority. If he wants to have empathy he should volunteer at a soup kitchen in London. The privileged, drug-abusing 20-something women of Paris are quite low down on that empathy priority list.

anyfucker and jobanana when I said abut DH loving cats I was wanting to do a Hmm emoticon but was on the wrong device to insert it. Of course I think the cat thing is ridiculous and I am not deluded. But mocking my perceived naivety just makes me feel worse.

I don't know what to do. The more hours that pass, the more I don't believe it. I'm wondering who I should speak to. He says he told our mutual friend that this woman made a pass at him. But if I called the mutual friend I'm sure he'd just try to do damage limitation too, it's very unlikely he's going to tell me what actually happened.

He has form for getting annoyed and defensive if questioned. And trying to turn the tables (like accusing me of having coffee with a male friend he didn't like months ago.) He does this across the board with other people too even when I know he has not done anything underhand, so it's his go to solution to conflict rather than something he's just doing in this situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2017 18:55

I haven't mocked you. Your husband is doing a damn good job of that already, you don't need anybody else to do it

scootinFun · 08/02/2017 18:59

What a mess. I suppose you could let it go, take over the letting role and watch him like a hawk. Fingers crossed it was him thrilling to a bit of flirtation but I would definitely not be happy.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2017 19:01

Does he show you all of his conversations so, you know, there aren't any secrets?

nigelforgotthepassword · 08/02/2017 19:01

I'm sorry what? He wants you to congratulate him his empathy for her?
Is he for real?
OP-Im really sorry but I strongly feel he is mugging you off here.He is being outrageously manipulative in his reactions to your reaction.And he needs to be handed a grip really if he thinks his behaviour would go down well with any wife in your situation.

Funnyonion17 · 08/02/2017 19:04

Your under reacting majorly.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2017 19:11

And the next time he uses a trip over to Paris to go partying and cosying up with your tenant, will you accept his "defensiveness" and "annoyance" when you object to the prospect ?

DuchessMinnie · 08/02/2017 19:14

Um, if you've lived in France presumably you know what a cat can also mean? Definitely inappropriate- there's more to it OP.

AddToBasket · 08/02/2017 19:15

Clearly, he will no longer have the 'relationship' with the tenants. You will need to do that, or boot them out. This might sound extreme but it really isn't. Your DH needs to see consequences.

pineapplesplit · 08/02/2017 19:22

I dont know actually..... it kind of looks like one of those weird situations where you dont know what to do because its so weird and you get backed into a corner of just playing along like its normal. For your DH i mean.
The 'Touch yourself' comment is pretty ridiculous but then you can sort of see how the whole thing got there. Most people with good boundaries and assertiveness wouldve clocked the sitation was really odd from the get go and got away. If your DH is usually an over friendly passive type you can see how this might happen tho. I think minus the 'touch yourself' comment its something that i could see happening to me just out of trying to be nice and failing to judge people as weird before its too late.

I think you need to have a long chat with him about how not to get into these situations and why its so dangerous.

Cinnamon2013 · 08/02/2017 19:23

You sound like a good person.

He does not sound like a good person. Or, at least, he sounds like a person acting extremely badly and then gaslighting you for rightly calling him out.

You deserve better. I hope you can see that.

Cinnamon2013 · 08/02/2017 19:25

Totally disagree with the above poster I'm afraid. I cannot understand how any decent, loyal man who was in love with you could get to the touch yourself comment. I really can't.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2017 19:27

Men like this don't need a "long chat" from their spouses about how not to get into these situations. That very much smacks of infantilising grown men.

pineapplesplit · 08/02/2017 19:28

i mean to say that the stuff hes done was stupid but within the realms of reason as a sort of accident borne out of trying to help someone, however his failure to acknowledge what a dodgy situation it was means he could well end up doing something similar again. He needs to accept that his behaviour was really stupid and he very badly managed the situation. Im not sure how you are gonna get him to do that tho.

also altho the 'touch yourself' comment is horrendous you can sort of see what might have lead up to saying that.... its like if someone was bothering you to try and sleep with you you might jokingly say 'take it into your own hands' to tell them to back off but in a friendly way. Again tho he needs to acknowledge that it was a very stupid thing to say in hindsight even if it wasnt meant to hurt anyone.

Trooperslane · 08/02/2017 19:29

Agree with harmlesschap.

pineapplesplit · 08/02/2017 19:30

anyfucker its not infantilising. Some people can get themselves into situations like this and i have been one of them in the past. Obviously only the OP really knows her husbands personality and whether or not this is malicious or just sheer stupidity.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2017 19:33

You need to have a long chat with a 40 year old businessman on how not to get into these situations????? WTF