DH's inappropriate texting. What do you think?

[Somethinglady9]

DH and I used to live in Paris and we own a flat in Paris and we have tenants - a young woman who is probably late twenties and her boyfriend. (I am early 30s and DH is 40.)

DH went on business to Paris last week. He checked on our flat, checked the tenants were happy, organised some repairs and went to his business meetings. We have had these tenants for five years and DH had always dealt with them, so he has the relationship with them.

He got back tonight and as soon as he came through the door said he wanted me to read a wats app conversation he'd had with the female tenant so that he and I had "no secrets." Turns out the female tenant's boyfriend was away the whole time he was there, so they had, had a couple of drinks together.

So the wats app conversation was a follow on from their drink. Apparently she was having problems with her boyfriend and had confided in him about it. He had told her that he was missing us (me and the DC) so it was a sort of mutual drowning of sorrows and a follow up to their chat.

Then there was another meeting organised with her, DH and mine and DH's good friend who visited him there for a few days. So there was the organising of that drink, times, places, literally a blow by blow of the minutae of what they are doing. "Getting dressed now," "on my way," "just leaving the gym have to have a shower." Hardly formal tenant/landlord conversation but not inappropriate. Then presumably they have the drink with mine and DH's mutual friend.

Then later that night she wats apps again"are you up?" Etc "it was good to talk to you about my problems." Anyway this turns into a full on counselling session where DH is telling her she's young and good looking and could meet someone better. This is arguably, also interspersed with him sending her pics of our DC and saying how much he loves his family.

Then it gets to a point where she says "just come over. I've got booze and cocaine." From what I can see DH turns her down - "I'm too tired, sorry. Besides I think if you want to save your relationship it's probably not the best idea for you to be inviting men over like that." Then from the looks of things she's called him crying and they've had a phone chat with her begging him to come over.

Then back to wats apps - and this is the bit I'm having trouble with - he says "drink some water, go to bed, touch yourself if you can't sleep! Goodnight xxx"

Then even later that night (early hours of the morning) she sends a picture of her cat, Which DH responds to (apparently he LOVED her cat when he visited her flat, to be fair, DH loves cats,) the chat continues all night until the morning and they are sending each other pictures of what they are eating for breakfast, the places they are going, what they are thinking (now unrelated to relationships just general "banter.")

And it ends today before he got on the flight.

I said, obviously this is inappropriate. I'm not going to leave you over it but it's inappropriate and you have to acknowledge how it is inappropriate and then we can move on. He also can't explain why he told her to touch herself. He says it was just a joke.

He is now annoyed with me for not having the reaction he expected. He said he thought I would find it funny (?!) and he is sulking and saying he wishes he had deleted it and not been so honest.

DH has a very low guilt threshold so I know he showed it to me out of guilt despite what he says. But now I am feeling a bit confused and conflicted. DH wants to forget about it as quickly as possible (of course.)

What do you think I should do from here?

Somethinglady

"He also can't explain why he told her to touch herself. He says it was just a joke." yikes how old is he 17?

"He is now annoyed with me for not having the reaction he expected. He said he thought I would find it funny (?!) and he is sulking and saying he wishes he had deleted it and not been so honest."

Yeah a lot of women would find that sort of thing hilarious! NOT!

"DH has a very low guilt threshold so I know he showed it to me out of guilt despite what he says. But now I am feeling a bit confused and conflicted. DH wants to forget about it as quickly as possible (of course.)

What do you think I should do from here?"

I think you need to think about it, did anything physical happen, are you OK with it. It sounds really dodgy.

I know he did not go back for cocaine but he did for wine and her boyfriend away. He could easily have got himself a punch in the mouth if the boy friend returned, or maybe a venereal disease if he did do anything, or maybe arrested if he went back for cocaine! For someone who feels guilty easily, he liked to live fucking dangerously.

"He is also trying to stop me from having any time alone because he knows I will reflect on it." I would go and reflect away.

I agree with SandyY2K "Go and run yourself a hot bath to soak in and lock the door."

HarmlessChap "she's playing the distresses damsel, and even turned on the water works" what has that got to do with anything, does that stop the OP's dh being married?

Cant help but wonder if his admission was somehow 'damage limitation' in order to cover a bigger misdemeanour.
I'd speak to your tenant and get her side. If nothing else it should cool her ardour for him.

I think you should take over the management of that tenancy, so all future contact is between the tenants and you.

If female tenant wants to split with male tenant, she may want to stay in the flat but may not be able to afford the rent which could explain why she suddenly came on to the landlord.

OTOH, there may have been inappropriately flirty behaviour from both sides before it escalated on this visit.

Either way, I'd let your H know that his conduct was WAY off and that it's shaken your trust in him.

I suppose it was "touche toi"?

I'm trying to think of a way to make it sound ok in my head IYSWIM but however I turn it, it doesn't sound right. That said, I do think I have a couple of friends (male and female) who would be capable of saying it without meaning to be overtly sexual/pervy.

I think the expression is used more often in french than in english, thinking of the phrase "mais il/elle se touche" It seems slightly less vulgar than it would in english.

He saw too much of her, thats for sure, but maybe it was just drunk banter.

She could be afraid for the tenancy re not being able to afford it without boyfriend, but it's the "trève hivernale" until march 31st anyway, so unless she's really conne, I wouldn't think that she thought that seducing your husband would prolong her hypothetical over stay if she stopped paying.

Could you just send her a message saying that your husband has informed you that she is doing illegal drugs in your flat and that you want to make very clear to her that it should be a no drug appartement? That would let her know that you know about her conversations with your husband and if anything did happen between then she would probably retaliate what she could see as a breach of trust on his part by telling you .

Bon Courage en tout cas!

I've just reread your OP again, and have sent a text to male french friend, asking him if he would say 'touche toi" to someone - He says he would, but only with good friends, that it is a sort of way of putting an end to a conversation with someone when you just want to sleep, most often used in the form

Person 1 I can't sleep
Person 2 have a glass of water or blablabla
Person 1 I still can't sleep
Person 2 Mais je sais pas moi, touche-toi

I am a property landlady, I cannot imagine EVER having any of those texts with my tenants as you have to keep that line for all sorts of ethical and legal reasons. It is supposed to be a professional relationship. I have had a few tenants try to buy me a 'drink' while out...I have flatly refused, it is inappropriate however well-intended. If you were a GP or teacher, would you have a text session with a patient or student like that...errr no? To his credit, your other half confessed and that is a good sign. Take over tenant management and have a long, long conversation with him about boundaries.

"she's playing the distresses damsel, and even turned on the water works" what has that got to do with anything, does that stop the OP's dh being married? men often have a misplaced feeling of gallantry in such circumstances, you want to be supportive and by doing so it can come across as being interested. It happened to me once, very embarrassing, I was 39 she was early 20's albeit I didn't carry on a conversation like the OP's DH but then texts were limited and whatsapp didn't exist back then.

He is pouting and upset because YOU aren't reacting the way he wanted you to?! You are being GASLIGHTED, girl.

He knew he overstepped the line and wanted you to react with "Oh darling, how funny!" and laugh it off so he could feel ok about it. Except you didnt, so not he is pouting because you have confirmed to him what he already knew.

What you do now is up to you, but personally I would want a full explaination as to how and why he let it get that far, he should have shut the conversation down straight away. Then an acknowledgement, then an apology.

And lastly, that he organises a letting agent in Paris.

If he cant or wont do all of the above then I would be questioning the marriage.

Harmlesschap "men often have a misplaced feeling of gallantry in such circumstances, you want to be supportive and by doing so it can come across as being interested."

Really, texting about her touching herself as being gallant?

I think a woman can get upset and a man can be pleasant without any alcohol being consumed or texts written.

Actually it is clear that all the alcohol and texts and stuff happened long before... "Then from the looks of things she's called him crying and they've had a phone chat with her begging him to come over."

Your situation may have been very different, Harmlesschap, but in this situation I think there was plenty going on before the tears.

He's crossed a line and he knows it. However, this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Ask him to go no contact with her and all her communication to go through you. She wanted him, he responded in some way (but didn't go around and shag her) but boundaries were blurred.

He said no. I would accept that but still explain that he got far too close to her to leave you unhurt and you are pissed off.

The touch yourself is way over the line, far too intimate and plain out of order. The Coke reference ... hmmm.... all shit of your dh really.

For me it wouldn't just be the content of the messages but the fact they were messaging through the night. You only do that if you're getting something from it. Why would a 40 year old married man be texting and sending pictures to a 20 odd year old woman all night long? he probably got an excited buzz from that. Highly inappropriate even if they were sending pics of cats , she offered alcohol and cocaine, he suggested she masturbate.

Why would he think you would find it funny?

Try to take emotion out of it and ask your husband what he's going to do.

What he NEEDS to do is cut off all contact with her. Contact can go through you, or through her boyfriend. He needs to apologise genuinely because he understands what he did and how it made you feel.

Don't accept anything less than that.

I'd be wondering which messages had been deleted before you got to read them, to be honest. It all seems a bit much for just happening on that one trip too. He never mentioned to you when he was there that she was on her own? Hmm......

The touching comment wouldn't bother me so much. I'd happily jokingly say to male friends something along the lines of 'just go and have a wank' and mean nothing by it other than a throw away comment.

What would both me more is the reaction to the booze and coccaine invitation. That needed a definite 'no' and the 'too tired' response doesn't make it clear this wasn't ever going to be an option in future.

Also that he's been socialising alone with a tenant. That's wrong on a business level, and has now stepped into the complicated because its compromised your relationship because of the personal nature of it with her trying it on with him.

I don't think from what you've written that there was ever an intention there for him to want to be with her, but he needs to appreciate that it's gone too far and he needs an aloof and professional relationship with her from now on, not a friendship.

He's hiding in plain sight.

You have a chunk of explained time there - between all the "I'm just getting ready" shit and the texts when they get home. From the supposed drink with a mutual friend.

Honestly, I'd be thinking they had sex or were otherwise physically intimate on the night out - either the friend wasn't there, or after he had gone.

She then wants him to come over. He says no - sending her pics of his family? In the context of all this counselling, guilty as fuck

Why he said no... because he genuinely regretted it? Because he'd already had sex and did fancy listening to more boyfriend whining now? Who knows?

I think something physical happened - at least kissing - and he's getting a story there so that if she tells you, he can't possibly be lying because you already know, right? He's told you all.

Even if he held back from kissing, he wasn't entirely inappropriate to be texting her all night.

I'd want to see the contact with the friend who supposedly joined them.
Although I hate suggesting you lower yourself to playing detective, I might call the friend and say "ugh - husband left in a bar Friday night - but think he was a bit merry cos he can't remember which ones - don't suppose he was out with you that night and you're any the wiser where he went?"

And want to take the entire conversation (incidentally, has he deleted now?) to counselling until he actually accepted how devastating his behaviour was.

I think the French speaking PP is bizarrely trying to minimise the issue. Even without the touch yourself comment, it's a thoroughly inappropriate conversation and meeting.

One thing is for certain - he did not show you because you thought it was funny. There's no way he would think that you would find that funny. He's trying to guilt you with his oh-so-honest routine, and deciding to get your little hissy fit (as he'll see it) over this, instead of the actual truth, which will be worse.

Contact her, tell her he's told you everything that went on late into the night and you want her side of the story.

however from a male perspective I suspect it was also saying I know what's on offer but I'm not taking you up on it so you'll have to sort yourself out.

Nice to have a male perspective on this actually and I understand what you're saying. I guess it would be similar to me saying to a man coming on to me to go and take a cold shower.

Except for it to have gotten to that stage (especially as a married woman), would seem like I'd flirted or gotten very familiar with him.

I'm quite suspicious about this op.

I suspect it may be damage limitation in his part. I dislike it when posters take 2+2 =10 so I hesitated to post.....but ...

Well it sounds like he's managing you a little...drip feeding.... it doesn't add up.
Why would he stay up all night to txt?? Really? Especially after drinking. Their relationship has according to him gone from 0-100 very quickly

I suspect he's telling you something because he has to.

Sorry I agree with the others. To me this smacks of damage limitation.

He's telling you something before someone else does. Either the friend or the tenant. Whether or not he's telling you everything is a different matter entirely.

Actually- did he meet up with your mutual friend prearranged or did they bump into him?
If it's the second then I'm afraid it's quite clear what's happening.

I think men find it difficult to flat out tell a woman that they aren't interested. They pussyfoot (no pun intended) around the issue and hope the woman will get the hint, but as a married woman, I fully understand how you feel.

He's been put in a very awkward situation

Let's cry him a river!

I don't necessarily think there was more to it.But I do think it was inappropriate and that he is sulking because he wanted you to laugh it off which would then make him feel less guilty (and possibly in his head carry on with it at a future time because 'it's all banter isn't it, my wife is fine with it so its fine' kind of thing).
It's the sulky reaction that would bother me as much as the messages tbh.