How does Baby change your relationship?

[AnneJones]

We're thinking about ttc at some point but I've always worried about "change". I have a lovely relationship with my DP and I worry that a baby will change that.

My BF said once that she expected her DP would love their baby more than her, and that if so she'd take the baby out and drown it! - she was VERY MUCH kidding (she's prone to exaggeration) but the sentiment of jealousy is something I can understand.

My DP is an angel and we share chores and have a very communicative relationship. I love having his full attention - is this something I'll lose?

So...how did having your first child alter your relationship? Are you still as close? Closer?

I "share" my dh with my dsc anyway, but having a baby has improved our relationship. I think it has deepened the bond between us and we are now part of a family unit instead of just being two people who live together. It is hard work, no doubt about it, and I think fears about priorities are common, but they haven't materialised in our relationship!

I think it's a major change, though how you handle it all is the key. I was like a bear for the first few months with the lack of sleep and real problems BFing, and it took a few choice screaming matches for DH to realise how much help I needed. He has been amazing though, and even took 6 months off work to look after DS, and now does most of the chores after gentle prodding (FYI, it helps if you break the washing machine door and then claim you cannot open it - DH now does all our laundry!!)Seriously, the lack of sex is a down side, as we were too tired or I just felt too ugly, but I have to say we love being a family, and are so so glad we did. Just keep showing each other how much you love each other, and don't forget yourselves as a couple into just being the Mummy/Daddy. And you will love your DC so much it isn't physically possible to think of life without them, jelously never came into the picture for me at all.

DD is only 4 months, so it's all fresh in my mind!
The lack of sleep is a real issue, but DH is lovely and supportive. DH is besotted with DD and the feeling is obviously mutual, and sometimes I get a bit jealous of all the hugs and kisses that she gets, but when I talked to DH about it he was great. Keeping talking has worked really well for us.

He became the father of my child. I was so proud and couldn't have loved him more.
That was 5 years ago, 3 more children later and he's driving me nuts!!

Personally, i think you only notice the changes in retrospect. Our ds's are 3 and 1, so still new parents relative to the whole scheme of things, but I'm only now realising how life has changed.
The things that immediately spring to mind are:

Pre kids, i'd prob never have 'performed' in front of dh eg reading kids books with all the voices etc, or singing songs

I do now feel that I have t oask dh if I want to do something on my own, as its him that will have to have the kids. He's never minded, but I dont like somehow feeling less equal now. I know its daft, but he could go AWOL every day after work if he wanted, but I couldnt,as I always have the boys with me.

Something of the relationship dymanic has changed because we no longer really 'look after' each other, as our attention goes on the boys. You know how you like to mollycoddle men a bit, and they like to do the superhero bit?

It feels good though that we have the strong bond of kids, and we know we'll stay together and see them grow up.

All the converstions regarding ourselves as individuals and as a couple now begin 'one day...'

DH and i were talking about this a few weeks ago...we have 3 kids, 4 1/2, 3 & 16 mths. Our relationship is stronger, but we both talked about how we love our kids....what we eventually came up with was...if the house was on fire who would you get first? (silly i know) Kids first for both of us every time....then our other half. Children do change the dynamics of a relationship, but they enrich your life beyond belief...I can even say that as i sit nervously on chicken pox alert, having just done by 3rd head lice hunt in a week....

I love having his full attention - is this something I'll lose?

Yes.

It does change, but change isn't necessarily bad. You change from being a COUPLE into being a FAMILY. You won't have ANY attention from your DH (or vice versa) for about a year. But you will have a whole lifetime of loving and working side-by-side watching your children grow and develop. You will miss the old days when you could just sit down and talk and read the paper and chat and share your lives quietly and slowly. But then you will look at your DH delighting in your baby's gurgles and giggles and your heart will feel like it's going to explode. You know your DH as a friend and a lover already - but you don't know him as a father. If he is the great man you say he is, then that is a whole new fabulous adventure and revelation that will give your relationship a new and deeper meaning.

Morningpaper, I agree, the first year is major challenge as everyone adjusts to their new roles. No longer does DH come first, you have to think about someone else who is titally dependent on you for everything. As parents you suddenly see a whole new world and future open up for you. I have to say that after DH saw me give birth he though i was the most incredible creature on earth, he went from being terrified to being moved beyond belief at the birth of our oldest. He is now in awe of the whole gender!! You both need to be patient with each other, but as you say, it is so worthwhile....