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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react if your partner said...

99 replies

Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 14:00

... that you need 'happy pills'?

My DH has accused me a handful of times of needing 'psychological help' and 'happy pills'. This comes after a disagreement if I think of things a different way to him. Curious to know others' reactions.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 05/02/2017 20:10

Oxy he sounds like a twat and I'm guessing he's not a psychiatrist.

I'm not a psychiatrist either but if you are worried about your mood I would see a GP. Although my mood would be quite low if I was putting up with a "D"H saying shite like that to me.

Original poster
Oxygenated · 06/02/2017 07:33

Thanks. I won't allow this again. Hopefully he's reasonable enough to understand why it's so wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oxygenated · 07/02/2017 21:28

Well tonight he was getting on my nerves by not helping with the toddler but I said nothing and then swiped a bit at him later on about something else, and also had spoken to an old friend who suffers with her mh (conversation about something unrelated) and he says to me 'is depression contagious because you've been talking to X and now you're in a mood' ... I was genuinely speechless so didn't even use a good comeback Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Oxygenated · 07/02/2017 21:38

Is anyone around?

OP posts:
CocoaX · 07/02/2017 21:55

Another one here whose ex used my mental health as a way of making me think it was all my fault. Could not criticise him, it was me suffering from stress. Literally everything was chucked in the bucket of my mental health or my dysfunctional childhood. I coped with a full time job and a baby with SN, I now know, as well as a lack of support from ex, but all our problems were in my head and he was quite normal.

Right.

Funny how much better I feel now that we are NC and only speak through lawyers. Poorer but better. Insomnia has gone, panic attacks and anxiety diminished and almost managed a winter without SAD.

EmilyRosanne · 07/02/2017 22:18

My ex also used phrases like this. Our DC was diagnosed with a very serious health condition and I went into a very dark place and cried most days, he would say things like all you do is cry all the time, maybe you should see a doctor and get some happy pills etc. eventually I decided I needed to leave him. If he genuinely wanted to support you because he could see you were struggling then a loving supportive partner would do it at the right time, and ask if you would like to see a GP, noticed you've been down etc. My exes comments did nothing to help my anxiety and just added to the stress.

balia · 07/02/2017 22:25

If he's saying 'You need happy pills' when you are crying, clearly depressed, that's perhaps an unfortunate turn of phrase from someone who is concerned but a bit clueless. But the pattern here is you ask for help with the DC, and he uses it to shut you up and get out of doing anything.

Go for help/advice for your own well-being, but don't ignore the fact that he's a useless lazy cunt.

Atenco · 08/02/2017 02:09

Does your DH ever voluntarily spend time with his child? He seems to think that you are totally responsible for the little one and get annoyed when you ask him to engage.

Living with an abusive man does cause PND and other forms of depression and anxiety too. Of course, the converse is also true, it is very hard to live with someone who is depressed.

hmmmum · 08/02/2017 02:29

He is not showing you any concern or sympathy when you're in a "mood" or sad, but instead acts affronted any time you dare not to be happy and carefree. Sounds like he can't cope with negative emotions and is not very supportive (that's a massive understatement by the way) Flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/02/2017 02:30

I agree with AnyFucker.

Mental health circumstances are an intangible and often times subjective thing, and also, sadly, still carry a great amount of stigma. He is using this to shut you up about helping with your ( and his ) toddler. It is quite a trick because if unchallenged, he feels he is right. If you challenge him, he will keep repeating until you become angry, ("mad" double definition, if you will) and thus proves his accusation. Win-win for him; lose-lose for you. The only answer is to not play the game, do not engage. But this is his favorite game and he will not stop it, ever, because that is the kind of immature and mean man he is.

Imho, a person that would do this to you can not possibly love you, sorry. He has not evolved into a parent since the birth of your child and apparently has no intention of doing so and you can not make him. You are evolving past him in that respect, as painful/scary as the process is and has been for you. Flowers I hope you have support from your family.

Going forward, I suggest that you stop asking anything of him. Zero expectations will put disappointments at zero as well (and greatly diminsh your frustration). You can see where this will lead: functioning as a single parent with the dead weight of your husband holding you back. Dump the dead weight, and you will positively thrive.

Insomnibrat · 08/02/2017 02:58

If someone tells you you're ill for long enough, you become ill.
LTB.

Lynnm63 · 08/02/2017 03:01

I agree you need to see someone and agree your dh is an arse.
The answer to you'd be fucked if I died tomorrow is fucking well die then, I'm sure I'd get over it you wouldn't though as you'd be dead.
Long term you'd probably be better off without him.

Original poster
Oxygenated · 08/02/2017 08:05

Even when I asked him why he'd said it and explained it was offensive he said it was my own fault for acting how I did and berated me for disturbing him to talk about it (we were both lying in bed and he said I'd woken him to talk about it. I didn't think I had!)

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 08/02/2017 08:15

I don't know if you need to see your Dr, but you do need to leave this man.

He's absolutely horrible to say you have mental health problems because you've asked him to do do thing with HIS childAngry

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 08/02/2017 08:27

Oxy, he's a cunt. A real grade A cunt. I hate using that word but, its true. He is rude, disrespectful to you, and to your friend. He gaslights you.

When you see your GP, you need to tell him that your H does this to you and ask for a referral to IAPT.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/02/2017 09:05

The more you write about him the more like an abusive prick he sounds.
I would suggest reading the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that.
Also when you see your GP, talk to him/her about it.
It's not good.
I don't think you realise you are being abused and his abuse of you could be the foundations of your mental health right now.
You could also benefit from calling Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and get their perspective on it.
He is not supportive.
He is gaslighting you
He sounds horrible to you.

If you want to plan an exit then let us know and the MN massive can let you know what you need to do.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 08/02/2017 09:09

My x used to say that whenever i challenged him.

In our relationship everything suited him. All of his needs were met. None of mine were. And if I ever dared to challenge that status quo he would tell me I needed happy pills.

It is in the script.

Original poster
Oxygenated · 08/02/2017 09:24

Tea that's familiar. Sad

Is there a way to access that book via the internet rather than a physical book

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/02/2017 10:05

There is a Kindle edition
If you have an e-reader?

Original poster
Oxygenated · 08/02/2017 10:14

Thank you I've got a kindle app on my iPhone which should work!

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/02/2017 11:45

Emotionally detach from him as a self defense mechanism to support your mental health. Stop caring what he thinks; stop listening to him. You can still be civil so the atmosphere won't be "hostile".

I know it is hard when you are so exhausted! Think through and reorganize your daily routines to prioritize you toddler and then yourself. He doesn't need to be on your list at all, really.

He doesn't respect you...it is reasonable to stop respecting him. He has used up your respect-especially in regards to refusing to parent his child, but also in expecting you to offer a continuation of the role his mother played. Maybe he should go back to his mum.

One day at a time, enjoy your little one! Don't let his choice to not engage taint this fun time with your child.

mickyblueyes · 08/02/2017 12:37

This sounds like "gas-lighting" at it's finest!

It's a catch 22 situation...he tells you your depressed/need happy pills...you eventually start to doubt yourself..maybe he's right? Round and round you go until everything gets so muddled and foggy you don't know what to believe.

He sounds emotionally immature and unable to communicate in a normal adult manner.

HelenaGWells · 08/02/2017 12:45

*If he sat you down, talked to you calmly and said he was worried about your MH and thinks you should go to the GP about happy pills then I'd maybe listen to him.

But throwing it in to an argument like that, I'd think he's a gaslighting prick*

This. There's a way to be supportive and a way to be a prick. He chose the later.

It does sound like you may benefit from help. If you go see your gp and be honest with them they will tell you what the next steps are and If you do need help. I wouldn't tell him though I would just go and get that outside professional opinion first.

Original poster
Oxygenated · 08/02/2017 13:26

*if he sat you down, talked to you calmly and said he was worried about your MH and thinks you should go to the GP about happy pills then I'd maybe listen to him.

But throwing it in to an argument like that, I'd think he's a gaslighting prick*

This is kind of what I tried saying to him last night and got it thrown back at me - 'well that's what happened, shouldn't be so moody then, enjoy your friend'

He's acted normal today like it didn't happen and I am unsure where to go from here

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/02/2017 15:15

It sounds like you had a panic attack. That is something you should seek help for, I agree. Regarding him, however, I would stop sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with him. He is not a safe person to share with, unfortunately.