Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you react if your partner said...

99 replies

Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 14:00

... that you need 'happy pills'?

My DH has accused me a handful of times of needing 'psychological help' and 'happy pills'. This comes after a disagreement if I think of things a different way to him. Curious to know others' reactions.

OP posts:
juliettaa · 05/02/2017 14:31

He is supportive and lovely but last night I also got "One day you will realise just how lucky you are, you'd be fucked if i died tomorrow" So the support appears to come at a cost?

He absolutely is not supportive. His comments are disgusting, abusive, and derogatory. Someone who was supportive would not say any of the things you've posted on this thread. He sounds like an abusive asshole.

DameDeDoubtance · 05/02/2017 14:31

He isn't supportive though, this is classic gas lighting. I wonder how much of your issues are caused by him in the first place. Go to your GP, you deserve to feel safe and happy.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 05/02/2017 14:38

you'd be fucked if I died tomorrow

Kill him and see how you get on.
Seriously though, is he really that arrogant that he believes you'd be 'fucked' without him?

Original poster
Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 14:40

Can somebody please explain gaslighting to me?

OP posts:
Enough101 · 05/02/2017 14:43

Op, did you get post-natal depression at all? Does he actually help you with your child? The bit where you describe closing the curtains if you think someone is out to get you, could be PND or you could've been suffering with severe exhaustion. Definitely worth a visit to the GP, but in no way means you're mad or that you need happy pills.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/02/2017 14:43

Him- you need some happy pills
You - maybe you should reduce your dose of twat pills. You've clearly overdoesed

Original poster
Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 14:45

I never mentioned how i felt to a health professional therefore was never diagnosed with PND.

love that answer breakfast Grin

OP posts:
PoshSausage1008 · 05/02/2017 14:47

Very basically, gas lighting is where someone subtly and repeatedly makes comments about you until you believe what they are saying. For example, my ex used to repeatedly tell me that he was a catch, that I would never find someone who did all the things for me that he did and that if we split up I would end up alone. Over a sustained period I started to believe this was the case but actually that was bollocks. I am now with the love of my life who does all those things and more and never feels the need to point out how lucky I am or how 'fucked' i would be without him. From what you've said about your episodes and mood after DS has been born then you may well have PND and it certainly wouldn't hurt to see your GP. Nonetheless, this doesn't negate how he is speaking to you and treating you. Just because you may be depressed doesn't mean you don't deserve help or respect from your partner. A partner who supports you as a means of control isn't really support-it is abuse. It took me a long time to see that though so I do know it isn't easy Flowers

Snifftest · 05/02/2017 14:51

If he sat you down, talked to you calmly and said he was worried about your MH and thinks you should go to the GP about happy pills then I'd maybe listen to him.

But throwing it in to an argument like that, I'd think he's a gaslighting prick.

User543212345 · 05/02/2017 15:03

It's not what he's saying so much as how he's saying it, surely? "Darling, I'm worried about your mood. Shall we go to the GP and see if we can get you some support?" = fine. "You need happy pills/help" = twatty.

He's using your mental health as a way to undermine you, which isn't something a supportive partner does. His comment about you being fucked if he died is so supremely twatty I can't even comment on it.

He sounds horrid, and as if the "support" he gives you (that clearly isn't support) is being logged to use against you. Tell him to fuck off

randomer · 05/02/2017 15:05

OP you do not sound too well. I clearly don't know but you may be suffering from depresion, which is a common and debilitating ilness.

There is absolutley no shame in talking to a good GP and finding out about the options. One of these options may be a course of anti depressants. You will not be " on " them for life , nor are they addictive.

Presumably if you had a physical illness which was causing distress, you would take medication?

Regarding your partner....the term Happy Pills is not at all helpful and it does indeed seem as if he has issues.

Lemon12345 · 05/02/2017 15:15

At the best you H is aware of the problems you were having after having your DS, and is using them as a weapon to win arguments or get out of doing things when asked.
At worst he is aware of your problems and is hoping he can control you through it and crush your self esteem until you are his little puppet... Emotional abuse is still abuse. If he's happy to speak to you like that in front of your son and have these arguments and upset you in front of what I'm assuming is a baby how do you think he will be with said child when he's older and asking for things or doing something your H doesn't like.

I think regardless of whether or not you could do with some MH support what he is saying it belittling, manipulative and controlling and if you are not able to discuss this with him and him change straight away you have more things heading your way.

Is he actually supporting and loving? Obviously you're saying the bad things here, but I don't see anything supportive at all...

Original poster
Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 15:16

Thank you, i appreciate the opinions. I will book to see a GP asap.

OP posts:
user1471462290 · 05/02/2017 15:59

My ex used to say all that to me too

:(

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 16:13

I can only imagine that would be said if I was miserable or grumpy.

If I reflected and realised that I was miserable or moaning, then I'd look for why I was so unhappy.

If it was because of something he does or doesn't do, then I'd let him know that I don't need happy pills, I just need him to do or not do xyz or step up.

I only read your first two posts, so I don't know if you've mentioned anything about being unhappy.

MadameJosephine · 05/02/2017 16:19

My ExH used to say exactly the same to me. Strangely Enough, my mood improved significantly once I chucked the fucker out Grin

Naicehamshop · 05/02/2017 16:22

He sounds extremely unkind and disrespectful op. I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of your stress isn't being caused by his selfish behaviour.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 16:23

Posh, what you described is eroding your self esteem, not gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, designed to make you think you're going mad. It's where someone convinces you, that what you suspect or know to be the case, is not so.

Comes from the old film, where a man reduces and increases the flame on the lamp and denied it, so his wife thinks she's going mad.

Example of ... you're convinced your partner is cheating. You see texts and call logs. You smell perfume on him. He tells you she's just a friend, that there's no perfume a smell on him and you're imagining things. He tells you that you're jealous for no reason and nothing is going on.

In extreme cases, he even goes a step further, suggesting you need counselling for your jealously.

flossisboss · 05/02/2017 16:47

It's not what he's saying so much as how he's saying it, surely?

I totally agree with Sweary. My ex used to say similar, always when he'd done something to make me unhappy. That kind of flippant, sneering language doesn't usually come from a supportive partner, but more likely someone who will use mental health issues (or any other form of vulnerability) against you.

likeacrow · 05/02/2017 16:49

I'd probably say fuck off.
Not very mature or constructive but it's what I'd say!

tricornel · 05/02/2017 19:10

I think it is a form of gaslighting. He's attempting to invalidate your rational viewpoint in an argument by insinuating that you are 'crazy' (hate that term, but you see what I'm saying).

beepbeeprichie · 05/02/2017 20:01

Yes could be major gas lighting and yes he could be a major arse. But- and only you truly know whether this is true or not OP- maybe he's at breaking point after 2 years that you've admitted yourself have been difficult and you've not sought any help. His words aren't helpful or constructive but maybe he's just very frustrated at the situation. Perhaps a heart to heart and a GP appointment might let him know that you know there is an issue and you want to fix it. Nobody on this thread knows your background and I'm not excusing him being a dick but he might be at breaking point too and taking it out on you in a crude and shit way. Your PND/ mental health issues aren't your fault but it might be affecting your relationship more than you realise. Good luck.

Original poster
Oxygenated · 05/02/2017 20:01

I've got a nice response ready now for 'next time' thanks MN.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 20:04

I think you should be spending less travelled formulating a snappy response to your abuser and more time planning your escape from him

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 20:05

Less time