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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel horrible after tinder sex

38 replies

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 01:51

i feel disgusting.
I didnt want to do it.
Im not sure why i did.
wasnt rape.
let him in .
i have scrubbed myself hard
sprayed all the furniture.
i wish life was different.
i regret that sex so much.
fucking dick.
fucking sex pest.
responsible for my own actions.
he knew i didn't want to,.
just wanted it to be over with. he took ages.
fucking cunt.
just thought 'ok ive started now..awkward to back out..just hurry the fuck up.
self esteem shattered. was building itup. and this has brought me back down.

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 04/02/2017 01:54

OP is he still there?

Original poster
RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 02:00

no, he's gone and it really wasn't anything at all like rape. I just said that because i sound so .. upset about it. but it's my own fault. putting myself 'out there' aka talking to someone on tinder.. when i wasnt emotionally ready. i'll get over it. life is just so hard and i wanted some companionship and i guess me offering my body was pay back for those few messages that were sent to me - i felt i owed him?... i'll feel better soon and dust myself down and not make the same mistake again any time soon.
it means alot your replied Arealhumanbeing thank you

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 04/02/2017 02:14

I'm sorry you felt that you owed him. Life is indeed hard sometimes and dating/Tindr can be particularly awful.

I hope you get some sleep and that you feel able to start afresh in the morning.

ChaircatMiaow · 04/02/2017 02:19

OP, please please come off Tinder. Whatever you're recovering from, whether it's a bad relationship or low self esteem, you're not ready for this.

Original poster
RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 02:22

You're right. Of course I know that :)

I'm going to go to sleep now as it's late .

Gooodnight lovely MNetters

OP posts:
NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball · 04/02/2017 02:22

Oh rebel that's awful Flowers

I've had a couple of tinder encounters that I've regretted, but I've never felt as bad about it as you seem to. It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself and judging yourself xxx

Tinder is such a minefield. You can meet genuine people on there but you have to wade through an awful lot of f*ed up twats to find them.

Sounds like you need to be gentle with yourself. You're not bad or disgusting for having sex with him. It happened, and now you know what you don't want to do next time xx

HarmlessChap · 04/02/2017 02:22

he knew i didn't want to,.
What an absolute cunt, a pathetic excuse for a man, sorry that encountered him. I hope you meet someone who will treat you with the respect you (we all) deserve, very soon.

RedastheRose · 04/02/2017 02:23

You need to be kinder to yourself. Mark it up to experience and forget about it - but remember you do NOT owe anyone sex especially for a few messages. Only ever do anything like that if you really want to. No one should make you feel like you owe them and if you get any comments or suggestions to that effect next time tell him to get out and don't come back. A decent man won't pressure you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/02/2017 02:25

Hope things look better in the morning OP. Flowers

You did nothing wrong. Just a mistake. More Flowers

GreatScot8 · 04/02/2017 02:30

Don't beat yourself up about it, OP.

But also, just be aware that Tinder is primarily a hook-up app. There are a lot of slimy buggers on that app.

Soozikinzi · 04/02/2017 02:32

Hope you're ok just get some sleep regroup and move on you know we've all got your back if that counts for anything xxx

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 06:45

OP that's dreadful, do you need to get the morning after pill or anything?

Putting yourself out there doesn't need to be so extreme, you can start by just meeting for a coffee. You don't owe anyone anything because they were nice to you that should always be a given.

Pressuring someone into having sex without consent is rape. So when you say he knew you didn't want to do it did you say that?

Do you have anyone in RL to speak to?

Gallavich · 04/02/2017 06:58

But also, just be aware that Tinder is primarily a hook-up app.

No it's not. There are loads of people both men and women who are looking for relationships. However there are also lots who are slimy twats just looking for sex and they are easy to spot.

Op, people who use tinder expect to send messages to lots of people just to get a date. If you were chatting to someone and wanted to stop that's perfectly fine. People expect that. You never owe anyone a date or sex, you don't even owe them a message explaining why you don't want to chat to them further.

user87654321 · 04/02/2017 07:42

Morning, OP. I hope you feel better today x

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 08:06

Big hugs op dont be hard on yourself its not your fault Flowers

differentnameforthis · 04/02/2017 08:09

OP, can you tell us more about what happened? Did he pester you to the point you felt that you couldn't say no?

I am concerned about a few things in your post

I didnt want to do it ... Im not sure why i did.

i have scrubbed myself hard

fucking sex pest

he knew i didn't want to,

just wanted it to be over with. he took ages

user1479305498 · 04/02/2017 13:03

Unless you are a pretty tough devil, stay off Tindr. Lets face it the whole action of swipe on or off based mainly on someones face isnt exactly nice in my opinion beyond a certain age. At least join something where you get a decent profile ,

jeaux90 · 04/02/2017 13:22

Big hug OP hope you are feeling better today. Awful for you. Stay off the OLD until you have recovered xxxxx

BonnyScotland · 04/02/2017 15:07

stay off Tindr and be kind to yourself x

Olympiathequeen · 04/02/2017 15:22

Tinder is not the place for a meaningful relationship. It's just a sex exchange.

Work on your self esteem and be kind to yourself. Ensure there is no unwanted pregnancy or STD then move on.

Confused59 · 04/02/2017 15:29

You cannot change the past , learn from it and be kind to yourself . We have all done things we regret - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

jobanana · 04/02/2017 15:31

Tinder is bollocks. It is mad. Don't ever go anywhere near it again.

If you need your attractiveness validating, Tinder is rarely the place - it's a simple, very quick mechanism for guys to get a real girl rather than one they have to pay for or imagine.

You have, unfortunately, found out just how crazy it is - you felt obliged to the guy as he'd been 'nice' to you, and so you had sex even though you didn't want to, largely, by the sound of it, because it would have been too embarrassing to say no and because once it started you realised you just had to wait till it was over. OMG you poor thing : ((

He was wrong, but Tinder is also wrong. Basically you led him on before you met him (I don't mean that you meant to exactly, but just by being on Tinder he thought you were up for it), and he understood the deal to be sex with a stranger, because that is mostly what the deal is on Tinder. Maybe you did want to try it - but quickly changed your mind, but sort of couldn't say that.

This is truly horrible, but, and it's a big but: you CAN compartmentalise this as a weird version of a one-night stand, and something you detest but have to block out. You have to write this off, mentally. You have to forget it happened. Pretend it didn't. Focus now on yourself as clean and pure and self-contained and think about all the cool things about yourself, think about your hopes, your friends, the great people who no doubt like you. Make every next moment a new one and you truly yourself and not connected with what happened.

Cut it and move on. It's the only way. Hey it could have been a lot lot worse. You got out of it and you won't go there again because - it's not you.

Gallavich · 04/02/2017 16:03

Tinder is not the place for a meaningful relationship. It's just a sex exchange

No, it's not. But it's caveat emptor. If you have low self esteem and weak boundaries then no online dating app will be good for you .

Original poster
RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:24

Oh. I lost my message I typed.
I wrote that I was so happy and grateful that so many of you posted comforting words. Thank you.

Tinder was a distraction from the very many real problems I have and also has a hope of finding the man equivalent of a mutual hot water bottle (?)

OP posts:
Original poster
RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:28

Continuing here so im Case message lost again.

Newly single parent. Working full time. Soon will be unemployed. Financial struggles. Ex quite horrible and issues there. I'm exhausted from life. I have great friends and lots of fun and busy parts in my life.

But I'm so tired and lonely and I don't feel I can struggle on

OP posts: