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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

feel horrible after tinder sex

38 replies

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 01:51

i feel disgusting.
I didnt want to do it.
Im not sure why i did.
wasnt rape.
let him in .
i have scrubbed myself hard
sprayed all the furniture.
i wish life was different.
i regret that sex so much.
fucking dick.
fucking sex pest.
responsible for my own actions.
he knew i didn't want to,.
just wanted it to be over with. he took ages.
fucking cunt.
just thought 'ok ive started now..awkward to back out..just hurry the fuck up.
self esteem shattered. was building itup. and this has brought me back down.

OP posts:

Report

HowamIgoingtocope · 05/02/2017 04:33

Op.it's rape. Simple as if you told him no . Report him.

HowamIgoingtocope · 05/02/2017 04:30

Tinder is somewhere you have to be harsh. Remember even if you flirt and things get steamy you do not.owe them anything.

I've met a few nice men on tinder and not.not . slept with one of them. It's all a matter of.self esteem
.if.you don't have any just yet avoid dating apps full stop. Reconnect with freinds have fun with them and gain confidence back. Then when you go back. If things get out of hand block and move on x

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 04:16

Opps, messed up...

His stalling over the taxi shows he was not going to leave until he got what he felt he had come to your house for, and that was sex

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 04:14

I did say no lots but kept being "persuaded" through him "cheekily" asking for a kiss etc. It's difficult to explain. OK, so you relented?

Relenting to coercion isn't consenting op.

Sex by coercion is rape. I know you don't want to think that it is, but it is. When you give in to stop the pestering, after your initial (and subsequent) no's are ignored, it very much does start to look like rape. Especially as he KNEW you didn't want it.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. He clearly took advantage of your vulnerable state. This is NOT a nice man!

Any one saying "what did you expect" is not worth listening to. Inviting him into your home was never an invitation for him to have sex with you. His stalling over the taxi shows he was not going to leave until what he felt he had come to your house for. he was determined to get sex, and did just that! He didn't care about you, or your state of mind.

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 20:50

w

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 20:20

blows nose and brushes self down

I've found Tinder an awful place to be.
A few nice experiences - I've been quite naughty and hooked men on me and then used them as friends and they haven't got anything like they were expecting out of me :)

My mistake here was allowing him to meet me in a private place = it was really really stupid. I know that. I don't really need to be told again, but can understand if anyone is thinking "duh. what did you expect to happen?"

When life is such a struggle I can ocassionally have suicide as a go-to option. The feelings passes - I'm sure there are others like me. It's just a feeling and expression of utter hopelessness and not being able to see a way out. And the mention of kids, well, who would look after them when I'm gone? This is all theory. I'm not any danger at all to my lovely happy children.

I feel a bit fresher now.

I feel I can breathe again after scrapping Tinder of my phone. Joining it is symptomatic of my struggles.

I'm happy to take full responsibility for myself yesyerday. At midnight, he called a Uber taxi via phone. That goodnight kiss - that I was not wanting, but happy to provide was where the mistake was. I had had one glass of wine that evening so may have been a bit dreamy and nonchalant about it.

"oh the taxi wil be here too soon. five minutes more... ill call it in a minute"
Me: no just call it now...
etc etc... it just deteriorated from there. he pulled me on to him and I was thinking in my head "shit. ugh. didnt want this. wtf".
Kept making noises about a taxi.... then it was all too late.

there's nothing to report apart from the fact he was too persuasive in a nice friendly way. if it was a more blunt approach I would hav been more wary.

I told a friend but not much time to speak.
she said dont put yourself in that position.

if i dont return to this thread: THANK YOU!!!!!!

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/02/2017 20:06

I'm not liking this.
He knew I didn't want to
. I'm so sorry, op, but That sounds like
rape to me.

jobanana · 04/02/2017 16:49

I think way more worrying that this Tinder crap is the way you are feeling - even though you say you wouldn't hurt yourself or kids, it is a pretty extreme place to be if you even articulate a thought like that. About yourself I can understand, but to feel like that, even for a split second, about your kids, must mean you really were feeling utterly despairing. I really think you need some better help with this - obviously the hot water bottle from Tinder made things worse rather than better - so go to the doctor and ask for some counselling. Go and cry at the doctor's and let her/him help you to get some proper support through what is clearly a truly awful time for you. You need more and better help than whatever you have around you now - please do it. I'm sure they'll at least get someone you can talk with, and/or someone to help provide a buffer between you and the ex. I'm sorry because you sound like you feel very got-at. You need a few kind and strong people to do what they can to get you through this. I think. Please do it. Just try it.

MrsGB2225 · 04/02/2017 16:41

Sorry I just read your last posts... This guy sounds like a massive sex pest. It is very rapey that he wanted sex when you clearly weren't in the right frame of mind.
Is there a report button on tinder now?

MrsGB2225 · 04/02/2017 16:39

A lot of guys use tinder just for sex. I was on tinder when it first started and found that straight away the guys are so forward. The whole tone is different to if you had met them out. Even on a Sunday morning I'd get messages asking if I wanted to go over for a 'cuddle'... These are guys I've never met!

I totally understand how easy it is to get carried away with it all and then doing something you didn't want to do. I have quite a few friends that have been in similar situations.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. You are emotionally vulnerable right now and tinder is not going to help.

Do you have any friends you can talk to?

pinkyredrose · 04/02/2017 16:36

It wasn't your fault. You said no. Your body language said no. It was rape. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Would you consider reporting him?

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:33

NExt time --- there won't be a next time.

I'll get over it.

No danger of STIs etc.

OP posts:

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:33

I spoke to the guy for about a week on txt and phone. I was crude on one occasion and at other times disinterested and unsure of what I wanted. He called himself a sexpest as a term of endearment...

I did say no lots but kept being "persuaded" through him "cheekily" asking for a kiss etc. It's difficult to explain.

I was crying at the beginning of the evening so he knew I wasn't on top forms. I was saying I want to kill myself and my kids. I wouldn't really. He spoke nicely at times and we laughed and joked about things.

It was my fault. Next time i

OP posts:

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:28

Continuing here so im Case message lost again.

Newly single parent. Working full time. Soon will be unemployed. Financial struggles. Ex quite horrible and issues there. I'm exhausted from life. I have great friends and lots of fun and busy parts in my life.

But I'm so tired and lonely and I don't feel I can struggle on

OP posts:

RebelSoldier · 04/02/2017 16:24

Oh. I lost my message I typed.
I wrote that I was so happy and grateful that so many of you posted comforting words. Thank you.

Tinder was a distraction from the very many real problems I have and also has a hope of finding the man equivalent of a mutual hot water bottle (?)

OP posts:

Gallavich · 04/02/2017 16:03

Tinder is not the place for a meaningful relationship. It's just a sex exchange

No, it's not. But it's caveat emptor. If you have low self esteem and weak boundaries then no online dating app will be good for you .

jobanana · 04/02/2017 15:31

Tinder is bollocks. It is mad. Don't ever go anywhere near it again.

If you need your attractiveness validating, Tinder is rarely the place - it's a simple, very quick mechanism for guys to get a real girl rather than one they have to pay for or imagine.

You have, unfortunately, found out just how crazy it is - you felt obliged to the guy as he'd been 'nice' to you, and so you had sex even though you didn't want to, largely, by the sound of it, because it would have been too embarrassing to say no and because once it started you realised you just had to wait till it was over. OMG you poor thing : ((

He was wrong, but Tinder is also wrong. Basically you led him on before you met him (I don't mean that you meant to exactly, but just by being on Tinder he thought you were up for it), and he understood the deal to be sex with a stranger, because that is mostly what the deal is on Tinder. Maybe you did want to try it - but quickly changed your mind, but sort of couldn't say that.

This is truly horrible, but, and it's a big but: you CAN compartmentalise this as a weird version of a one-night stand, and something you detest but have to block out. You have to write this off, mentally. You have to forget it happened. Pretend it didn't. Focus now on yourself as clean and pure and self-contained and think about all the cool things about yourself, think about your hopes, your friends, the great people who no doubt like you. Make every next moment a new one and you truly yourself and not connected with what happened.

Cut it and move on. It's the only way. Hey it could have been a lot lot worse. You got out of it and you won't go there again because - it's not you.

Confused59 · 04/02/2017 15:29

You cannot change the past , learn from it and be kind to yourself . We have all done things we regret - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Olympiathequeen · 04/02/2017 15:22

Tinder is not the place for a meaningful relationship. It's just a sex exchange.

Work on your self esteem and be kind to yourself. Ensure there is no unwanted pregnancy or STD then move on.

BonnyScotland · 04/02/2017 15:07

stay off Tindr and be kind to yourself x

jeaux90 · 04/02/2017 13:22

Big hug OP hope you are feeling better today. Awful for you. Stay off the OLD until you have recovered xxxxx

user1479305498 · 04/02/2017 13:03

Unless you are a pretty tough devil, stay off Tindr. Lets face it the whole action of swipe on or off based mainly on someones face isnt exactly nice in my opinion beyond a certain age. At least join something where you get a decent profile ,

differentnameforthis · 04/02/2017 08:09

OP, can you tell us more about what happened? Did he pester you to the point you felt that you couldn't say no?

I am concerned about a few things in your post

I didnt want to do it ... Im not sure why i did.

i have scrubbed myself hard

fucking sex pest

he knew i didn't want to,

just wanted it to be over with. he took ages

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 08:06

Big hugs op dont be hard on yourself its not your fault

user87654321 · 04/02/2017 07:42

Morning, OP. I hope you feel better today x

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