I'm sure it's not good, just need some outside perspectives ... I feel completely at sea. It's v long- please bear with me...
Met DP in 2015. He's older than me, divorced and never wanted children. We were using contraception, but life being what it is, and no method being perfect, Conceived v quickly (not planned- in fact my gynae suspected I may have fertility issues and we'd talked about investigating before I got to a point of wanting a family. So shocked is an understatement) and decided after much soul searching/ arguments and me giving DP lots of space to work things out, decided to keep the baby. I told him he didn't have to be involved, I wouldn't hold it against him if he couldn't commit to us as a family, but I wouldn't let him be half heartedly in it- we were together and a family, we were separated but coparenting fully, or I was on my own. He chose to try and be a family.
Now DS is 5 months and a lovely easy and very sunny baby. I had an easy labour and postpartum didnt get the blues, let alone PND (which was expected as had antenatal depression). My recovery has been straightforward and life looking after DS is something I'm really enjoying- despite it being v different to my party / high pressure job/ half marathon training/ dance class/ more partying/ more work life before!! I feel more fulfilled looking after DS than I ever did at work. So the baby is not part of the problem.
The problem is DP.
He's always been a drinker. I realised he was an alcoholic after DS was born. I found hidden whiskey bottles a few weeks ago. When I confronted DP about it he said it wasn't a problem. Because he's never drunk and he doesn't drink in the mornings. He's in complete denial- but agreed to "cut back" on the drinking. I told him he either got sober or we were over. For a few weeks the drinking was cut down to a bottle of beer and a glass of wine in the evening- rather than 2 beers, 2/3s a bottle of wine and a couple of whiskeys.
Because of the drinking, I have never left DS alone with DP. I worry that he isn't "with it" enough to be a safe parent, and for the same reason, we sleep separately (I cosleep and can't have him in bed with us if he's bee drinking obviously).
DP also has an as yet partly undiagnosed health issue. Symptoms are generalised but include extreme pain in limbs and joints, fatigue and generally being run down. I've been to endless appointments with GPs, neurologists, and even to A&E with him (attack of neuralgia that it took morphine to dull) many times - when heavily pregnant and with DS in tow. He insists that nobody is taking him seriously about the level of pain he's in- but they are. Sadly NHS resources mean he isn't high up the list of priorities enough for carpal tunnel surgery or surgery on his spinal stenosis (which are responsible for some of the pain, though not all of his symptoms).
He has a very heavy duty though creative job which takes a lot out of him, which is why his body is knackered - yet refuses to move onto
Less strenuous projects because he likes the prestige of what he does now. (I consider this v selfish, given how his health issues are impacting on family lie)
Because he's often in pain, DP goes to bed early, leaving me with DS. He is also often too fatigued to stay awake in the afternoons on weekends. This makes me feel quite lonely.
He also has to be asked or directed to interact with or do anything m for the baby- so "here hold your son", "give him a cuddle" "tell him you love him" etc. If it's a choice between occupying the baby and doing the laundry- hell do the laundry. He'll do anything for us domestically- and more than his fair share in that sense- but very little direct interaction with DS without being instructed.
He loves his son- I'm certain - but he had a terrible childhood and clearly has no idea how to behave as a father.
We do argue occasionally but i try and keep it to a minimum as I'm v conscious the baby will pick up on stress. So it's done quietly, in another room, and less often than DPs behaviour warrants.
Yesterday felt like the last straw.
DP had gp appt in the morning. I had smear and baby vaccinations at the same surgery an hour and a half later. DP went to his appt and came home. The baby was in a bit of a state and had cried himself into a projectile vomit rage twice and I was worried we'd be late. I have a cold DS has given me, and generally exhausted from almost 5 months of basically solo parenting 24/7. So was v snappy with DP when he came home moaning that the GP didn't know what was wrong with him but had ordered tests and given him new painkillers. He was just so... Self indulgent!!! He then forgot he'd offered to come back to Drs to look after DS while I had smear and settled himself down on the sofa.
I flounced off to Drs- baby couldn't have vax because he'd had a fever in the last 7 days. I had to have v painful smear with baby on my chest (he wouldn't settle in the pram) and nurse said it was painful because I'm still not fully healed (!!!!) bleeding etc after.
Get back home and DP is DRUNK at 3pm. He says he's had one whiskey .... That he's washed his new tablets down with (!!!!!!!)
Furious and feeling shitty from the smear, I take baby into the living room, and look after him alone while DP sleeps it off in the study. He turns up in the living room at 8pm after DS is asleep, presumably because he heard dinner was in the offing. I tell him to fuck right off, hand him
The whiskey bottle and suggest he drinks himself to death (I know, I know not nice) so I can get on with Looking after DS in peace.
It escalates a bit (quietly) and he thrusts his face in mine (he does this because I grew up with an abusive father and knows it scares me)- and I tell him to get out.
He goes back to the study,, I go for a quiet cry in the bathroom away from
DS (who is still asleep in his crib in the next room) and then DP comes back to the bathroom to ask what's wrong?!?! He then denies
He was drunk, denies he acted threateningly, and says that he was just "standing up to me" (?!?!? Standing up to my telling him I was ashamed of his drinking, and ashamed of his behaviour as a father, presumably)
I just don't know what to do. He had a shitty childhood. He has a drink
problem. He's definitely on the autistic spectrum (other behaviours suggest this) and he has health issues. He is also clever, and is usually a very kind man, who loves us but has no idea how to be a family- I love him and think we could all Have a marvellous life together, but I don't want to damage my beautiful, sunny, carefree boy, trying to help his father sort his shit out.
What on earth do I do????