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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FFS me again!

92 replies

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:02

Ok long story short my H had begun to embark on an EA 16 months ago..inappropriate messages and photos etc that I found out before it went further....he has cut himself from everyone involved, been so remorseful, full of regrets, everything and is now quite honestly an almost perfect H and father...
I trusted him 100% before this happened and was absolutely gutted when it happened...I never believed he would betray me this way, we were never a couple that asked each tower to do anything or go anywhere if that makes sense.
He has worked so hard to put things right since and put me and the kids first all the time.
He has been invited to a friends stag do and told me casually last weekend and the conversation went like this
Him...just to let let you I've been invited to x's stag do
Me...oh right where is it?
Him...benidorm
Me ...are you going?
Him...well it's up to you I don't want to do anything that will upset you
Me...oh ok well I don't own you and can't tell you what to do (i didn't know what to say!)
Him..I know but like I said I don't want to do anything to upset you x
We spoke no more about it mainly because we were in the car with my son and also I had no time to process it.
I went onto our family pc on Wednesday to send an email and his popped up with the invite to the stag do...and confirmation he had paid the deposit.
It also had to itinery laid out on it which was the usual beach bar, pub crawl etc and also entry to lap dancing club.
I went on there again today and he has deleted the emails..
I am so fucking upset that he has kept this from me and said he won't do anything to upset me or make me feel insecure yet booked it without us having the conversation first
He is paying money to see this when we are not only skint but still at a time in our relationship that he is trying to prove himself to me...
What do I do?? Say something??wait til he admits it? End it??
I'm a fucking mug aren't I? Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:30

He is well dodgy

Nothing much has changed, op

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:30

Any fucker I wish I had your strength I know you're so right I need to walk...

OP posts:
MyWineTime · 02/02/2017 21:31

I think the whole game playing is absurd in a grown up relationship.
In the conversation, neither of you were truthful, you were both playing games, both saying things you didn't mean in order to get a reaction from the other person.
Calling his bluff would be more game-playing. What is the point of being in a relationship where neither of you are capable of communicating and being honest with each other.
Tell him you are not happy about him going and explain why. That isn't you telling him what to do, that is you being honest about your relationship.

Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 21:31

I suppose they are ,wedding vows a guarantee of not cheating..supposedly so rainbow,could you tell him your unhappy and ask him to not go?

Huskylover1 · 02/02/2017 21:32

Ok long story short my H had begun to embark on an EA 16 months ago..inappropriate messages and photos etc that I found out before it went further...

This is enough to end it. Photo's???? I'm guessing dirty pics. My fucking god, I would kill him. My ExH was a sleaze like this, NEVER again. Please wake up (I mean that kindly). Let him go and bag his stuff up when he is away. I know this sounds un-doable, but if I could give my own 20 something advice, this is what it would be. I'm 47 now and have a truly lovely DH, who would never stray, the poor bugger would get both barrels for this.

RebelRogue · 02/02/2017 21:32

Ahh I thought he'd done it before that's why I suggested calling his bluff. You can still change your mind though. You're perfectly entitled to that,especially since he didn't actually give you time to think it through.

However I think the real problem here is that your expectations of him and who he really is don't match at all. Can you live with that?

Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 21:33

Have you posted before rainbow? I've not read any of yr other threads if you have...so I'm just taking at face value what yr saying...are things not good?

MyWineTime · 02/02/2017 21:33

If he took your relationship seriously, he wouldn't be behaving like this in the first place.

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:35

You're all right I'm such a fucking mug...I hate what I have become x

OP posts:
fledglingFTB · 02/02/2017 21:35

On one hand he should not have gone ahead without final confirmation, but I sort of feel that you gave him free range to do that.

FYI I most definitely would have said/reacted how you did, had it been sprung on me too.

Badders123 · 02/02/2017 21:38

I have no respect for men who pay to see women's labia
Up to you how you feel

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:40

Badders123 neither do I Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:40

Op, if you want my advice you have 2 options

  1. if you insist you still want him you tell him now he cancels his trip or it is over. If he loses his deposit, so be it

  2. you decide you can no longer ever trust him based on his repeated dodgy behaviour and you walk

I recommend (2)

Some women would do (1) but discover later that they have simply kicked the can down the road

There is a 3rd option. Be a complete doormat and make sure you use barrier method contraception for the rest of your relationship with this sleazy fucker..Some women would do that too.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/02/2017 21:44

Im sure AnyFucker wont be happy until the whole world is single lol

AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:45

Do you have any advice for the op, Just ?

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:46

I wish I had friends in rl that that anyfucker was one of them x

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:46

And that!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:48

Lou, you probably do. Do you actually tell them what you have said here ?

SleepingTiger · 02/02/2017 21:49

Testing the water. With his toe.

Some distance away, under the cover of the waves, sharks are circling. Mumsnet Sharks.

They know this toe. They smell this toe. It's not a good toe. It needs to be nibbled at.

In the way that only sharks know how.

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:52

No I don't have anyone in rl I can talk to...they are either his friends or my family who I can't confide in.
Today I referred myself to talking therapies x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:54

Why can't you confide in your family ?

And well done for referring yourself to somebody impartial.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/02/2017 21:57

Do you have any advice for the op, Just ?

Absolutely

Call his bluff, this is his moment to actually prove if hes serious OP, maybe he did take the initial conversation as a green light but if hes like 'oh shit I thought u didnt mind and so I booked it but I'll cancel it' all is good but if he starts saying shite ike 'I cant back out now, dont want to lose the deposit' then he gave you the answer you needed for your own piece of mind, what you do after whether you leave or stay is secondary to the initial 'test' IYSWIM

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 22:02

I can't talk to my family because we aren't close and they actually wouldn't care.
I need to talk to someone before I go mad!
His deposit is £25...what the fuck is £25 if it risks his marriage??x

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/02/2017 22:05

what the fuck is £25 if it risks his marriage??

Idiocy is what thats called OP

OP I totally get that you're stressed but thats no excuse to be putting x's at the end (light hearted) Grin

Original poster
rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 22:07

I put x's at the end of every message sorry..it's just me (x)

OP posts: