FFS me again!

[rainbowlou]

Ok long story short my H had begun to embark on an EA 16 months ago..inappropriate messages and photos etc that I found out before it went further....he has cut himself from everyone involved, been so remorseful, full of regrets, everything and is now quite honestly an almost perfect H and father...
I trusted him 100% before this happened and was absolutely gutted when it happened...I never believed he would betray me this way, we were never a couple that asked each tower to do anything or go anywhere if that makes sense.
He has worked so hard to put things right since and put me and the kids first all the time.
He has been invited to a friends stag do and told me casually last weekend and the conversation went like this
Him...just to let let you I've been invited to x's stag do
Me...oh right where is it?
Him...benidorm
Me ...are you going?
Him...well it's up to you I don't want to do anything that will upset you
Me...oh ok well I don't own you and can't tell you what to do (i didn't know what to say!)
Him..I know but like I said I don't want to do anything to upset you x
We spoke no more about it mainly because we were in the car with my son and also I had no time to process it.
I went onto our family pc on Wednesday to send an email and his popped up with the invite to the stag do...and confirmation he had paid the deposit.
It also had to itinery laid out on it which was the usual beach bar, pub crawl etc and also entry to lap dancing club.
I went on there again today and he has deleted the emails..
I am so fucking upset that he has kept this from me and said he won't do anything to upset me or make me feel insecure yet booked it without us having the conversation first
He is paying money to see this when we are not only skint but still at a time in our relationship that he is trying to prove himself to me...
What do I do?? Say something??wait til he admits it? End it??
I'm a fucking mug aren't I?

[AnyFucker]

He thinks your marriage is worth less than 25 quid

Or you are worth less than 25 quid

What other conclusion is there ?

How do you feel about my option (1)?

Don't think you are ready for option (2) yet. And option (3) is not a serious one.

[JustAnotherPoster00]

Keep us updated when you speak to him though OP if anything MN can be somewhere you can vent and hopefully get some support

[AnyFucker]

Lou, you have no reason to apologise to Just

She/he should be ashamed of taking the piss, not trying to get a laugh out of a measly x on the end of your posts

[rainbowlou]

I don't want to smile right now...this is my life

[rainbowlou]

I've just text him that I need to talk tomorrow when he gets home x

[AnyFucker]

Fidelity has nailed it, lou

Read what she wrote and read it again.

This is the mindset you should be going into "talks" with him.

Is there really anything he can say that will now make you feel safe and secure ?

[HarmlessChap]

Token bloke here.......

I'm not forgiving his previous behaviour but it may well be that there was a deadline for the deposit to be paid. It's only £25 and paying it leaves the option open; he asked you before he paid it and when he asked you didn't say he couldn't go you said you don't own him and can't tell him what to do.

Unless he's claiming not to have paid the deposit I don't see that he's lied as yet. If he looses the deposit its not a massive hit so if you don't want him to go FFS then tell, him rather than expecting him to come a decision you approve of.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

I agree with harmless chap - he's paid a deposit ... so what? You didn't say you didn't want him to go when he tried to open up a conversation about it, you left the option open by saying you didn't own him. You can't now punish him for that. He's is also leaving his options open.
Anyway even if he does go it doesnt mean he's going to cheat or even do the full itinery - he may not even be thinking of visiting the lap dancing club.
He's made it clear he doesnt want to do anything to upset you, if you don't want him to go then you must tell him, if you're happy for him to go but just not to the lap dancing club then you must tell him. You need to communicate ... to talk honestly and openly.

[KateDaniels2]

The communication between you two os the problem here. No one is saying whst they really mean.

If i were your dh and the deposit was only £25 and needed paying i would pay it. Even if i wasnt sure i was going. Its not a fortune to lose.

Deleting is odd and he probably knows you would be upset if you saw it. So did it.

I am not excusing him, but if yiu both actually said what you feel him saying 'i really want to go, but won't if it upsets you' or 'i will pay the deposit as it needs paying while you think about it and i am definitely not going to a lap dancing bar'.

And you had just said "actually i would prefer if you didnt go, can we talk about it later' and thrn actually talked about it later.

I think things would be easier. While communication is so bad between you, you wont move on from what he did. Thats not saying you should move on. If you dont want to and want to end it, thats fine too.

[RebelRogue]

d he probably knows you would be upset if you saw it. So did it.

If just seeing the email would upset OP,then he would also know that him actually going would devastate her. And when you're trying to rebuild trust there needs to be complete transparency not deleting emails,and paying deposits behind her back. "I did it because it would upset you" is a cop out.

[KateDaniels2]

You are right. Thats why i said i am not excusing him.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

I get that he has behaved badly in the past...but if the two of you have said you are going to try and move on from that then it's probably not unreasonable for him to want to attend a friends stag do I wouldn't have thought?
But he should have communicated it all better and the deleted emails seem suspect.
The issue here is trust-there doesn't seem to be any, and that's no way to live for the OP. You will always be second guessing yourself and him, and that's just exhausting.

[ChuckSnowballs]

Im sure AnyFucker wont be happy until the whole world is single lol

The way I look at it - that Any Fucker won't be happy until the whole world is in happy respectful relationships, or single. Which is a bloody good aim in my opinion.

[ChuckSnowballs]

Token bloke here.......rather than expecting him to come a decision you approve of.

As a token bloke, do you actually need your/any woman to tell you what crosses the line - or can you not come to that decision on your own?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I would ask him what the stag do entails. i.e. what is the itinerary?
You'll know from this answer if he is being honest or not.
Then it can move on to, have you agreed to attend as yet?
Then again, from his answer you will know if he is lying or not.
Then take it from there.
He may be totally honest with you.
And on the face of it he's not really done anything wrong as yet.
However..... It's a big however, he deleted the email. Which to me is dodgy as fuck!

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Fidelia said it all. He's playing you for a fool, OP. I don't judge you for trying to work through it, it's a brave decision and one i am sure you didn't take lightly, but he isn't showing you or your marriage respect.
At any point, he could have sat down properly and talked to you about the option of him going on this stag do, showing you the consideration he owes you, but he didn't. He could have told you he had paid the deposit, received the itinerary etc, but he didn't. He's never going to change. He doesn't think he needs to.
He is still being deceitful and dishonest. I can't see how you can move forwards with only one of you trying and, worst, the one working on the marriage is the one who did nothing wrong in the first place.

[Emboo19]

Seconding what HarmlessChapsaid if a deposit was due now, he may have paid so he's got the option to go. My boyfriends paid loads of deposits for things he's not ending up going on.
As others have said, tell him you've thought about the trip and 'it's too soon for you to feel comfortable with him going' see what he says or does to that!

[Emboo19]

Also, has something actually been booked op? And when is it for? £25 doesn't seem like a high enough amount for an actually booking. My bf's and my friends usually do a who wants to come give us £20etc then we usually book later, a kind of reserve your place. Never have everyone who said they were going actually come!

[HarmlessChap]

As a token bloke, do you actually need your/any woman to tell you what crosses the line - or can you not come to that decision on your own?

Well my expectation of where a line may be and hers can be different. FWIW I've never been on a stag do like that and never been to a strip club and wouldn't want to but years ago DW went to see male a stripper show which was "just a bit of fun", albeit I wasn't happy that she came home all horny.

However, if I were to ask if she minds me doing something and she said she doesn't own me do whatever I want then I'd tend to take it that she felt it was unnecessary for me to ask her opinion. Where as from this thread it would appear that what that actually means is you make the decision but choose wisely as this is a test.

[Emboo19]

I do think your interpretation of the 'I don't own you' comment is typical of many men's HarmlessChap I know my boyfriend would see it as me giving permission as would my dad and other males I know well!!

I'd have thought you'd be happy your wife came home horny though

[HarmlessChap]

Coming home wet after after lusting over other men isn't attractive in my book.