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Relationships

FFS me again!

92 replies

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:02

Ok long story short my H had begun to embark on an EA 16 months ago..inappropriate messages and photos etc that I found out before it went further....he has cut himself from everyone involved, been so remorseful, full of regrets, everything and is now quite honestly an almost perfect H and father...
I trusted him 100% before this happened and was absolutely gutted when it happened...I never believed he would betray me this way, we were never a couple that asked each tower to do anything or go anywhere if that makes sense.
He has worked so hard to put things right since and put me and the kids first all the time.
He has been invited to a friends stag do and told me casually last weekend and the conversation went like this
Him...just to let let you I've been invited to x's stag do
Me...oh right where is it?
Him...benidorm
Me ...are you going?
Him...well it's up to you I don't want to do anything that will upset you
Me...oh ok well I don't own you and can't tell you what to do (i didn't know what to say!)
Him..I know but like I said I don't want to do anything to upset you x
We spoke no more about it mainly because we were in the car with my son and also I had no time to process it.
I went onto our family pc on Wednesday to send an email and his popped up with the invite to the stag do...and confirmation he had paid the deposit.
It also had to itinery laid out on it which was the usual beach bar, pub crawl etc and also entry to lap dancing club.
I went on there again today and he has deleted the emails..
I am so fucking upset that he has kept this from me and said he won't do anything to upset me or make me feel insecure yet booked it without us having the conversation first
He is paying money to see this when we are not only skint but still at a time in our relationship that he is trying to prove himself to me...
What do I do?? Say something??wait til he admits it? End it??
I'm a fucking mug aren't I? Confused

OP posts:
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CityMole · 03/02/2017 11:27

You're not communicating well as a couple.
Fidelia is right, he is not behaving above board. He put you on the spot asking you about it and did not share the full details. He also went ahead and paid a deposit without checking that you had, in fact, given the go-ahead albeit passively, and then he deleted the emails to cover his tracks re the itinerary, obviously knowing it would not meet with your approval.

Don't call his bluff, it is petty and demeaning to you- you don't have to lie and stoop as low as him to make your point here, and you're both adults, not children.

Tell him you saw the emails, you saw the itinerary, that he had gone ahead and paid the deposit, and that he had then deleted the emails. Ask him why he did that, when he is supposedly on a mission to prove to you that he is trustworthy. I think if you stay with this man then you need to accept that the trust-o-meter has been dialled right back to 0 again, and he had better put in spades of work trying to prove to you that he's more than a feckless wannabe cheat and a liar. My gut feeling tells me that he is either completely untrustworthy or he lacks the backbone to tell his friends that he doesn't want to join them in their grotty little exploits. I couldn't stay with either type of man tbh.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/02/2017 11:36

The problem is, you told him that you don't own him and can't tell him what to do. So he went ahead and booked it. He took that as permission, you were probably testing him because of his EA, and he failed.

If he hadn't had the EA, would you have been bothered about the stag do? If you can't get past the EA (and it's understandable, I wouldn't, he would have been gone straight away) then it's time to end the relationship as you'll be forever wondering.

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WifeyFish · 03/02/2017 11:59

To be honest, at this stage I don't think your DH has done anything wrong where the stag do is concerned, and certainly nothing to warrant feeling like a mug and packing his bags.

Perhaps I'm being naive, but I wouldn't necessarily assume he set you up when he asked about the stag do with your DS in the car. I'm forever remembering things at random moments and will often ask DP a question when it pops into my head for fear of forgetting if I don't ask there and then. More likely than not, there will be times when I ask something at an inopportune moment, but I'd like to think my DP knows me well enough to know that it's not tactical in any way, it's just the way my brain works when I'm juggling a million and one things.

Your non-commital response in the car about not owning him/telling him what to do would be a green flag to many and I think the fact he only paid the deposit after speaking to you, and that the deposit is only a nominal amount speaks volumes. Was there a reason you didn't feel comfortable saying "I'm not sure/what does it entail/can we have a chat about this once I've had some time to think"?

Yes the deleting of the email could appear to be an attempt to deceive you, but it could also be his way of email admin...deleting it as he knows he's now paid and doesn't need to keep the email as a reminder to pay? You won't know his motives unless you speak to him, but I strongly suggest if you want any hope of moving on from his EA that you just have an open and honest chat with one another instead of playing games and beating around the bush.

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HarmlessChap · 03/02/2017 12:12

I strongly suggest if you want any hope of moving on from his EA that you just have an open and honest chat with one another instead of playing games and beating around the bush.

This ^^

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rainbowlou · 03/02/2017 12:16

Thank you all for your messages.
I called him and we ended up having a huge row which isn't what I wanted at all.
He is back from working away tonight so I will try to have a calmer conversation with him.

OP posts:
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user892 · 03/02/2017 12:22

What could he possibly say to make it any better?

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TinyTickler · 03/02/2017 12:23

Going against he grain here but it was 16 months ago and you chose o forgive him. You cannot punish him forever if you've decided to try move forward.

I don't get the upset re strip clubs - the women there are interested kn his money, not him, and are no threat to you at all.

Being controlling and refusing to let him live his life will be more damaging to your relationship than him going on a stag do.

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Mittensonastring · 03/02/2017 12:36

Yep you need to sort out the aftrmath of the EA, if you can't it's time to move on. Regardless of game paying you did give him permission to go so as much as he is a shit don't say one thing in the hope he will actually do the opposite and what you want.

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Hillfarmer · 03/02/2017 12:39

Shame you had a row on the phone, I'm sure that is not what you wanted OP. It sounds as if he is very defensive and it is easier to start a row to intimidate you and to shut you down, instead of explaining. Presumably 'explaining' is difficult, because wanting to go on this stag do at this stage, demonstrates that he really doesn't actually give a toss about your feelings. 'But I don't want to do anything to upset you' - is rather pathetic... the only answer to that is 'then don't.' Or 'you have now!'.

He is back from working away tonight so I will try to have a calmer conversation with him.

I suspect he will kick up again tonight. You can try all you like to have a 'calmer conversation' with him, but I predict he won't let you have one.

He is supposed to be proving to you that he is trustworthy. Him losing his rag is threatening and supposed to shut you up. Tell him you won't engage with him if he loses his temper and that he needs to respect you enough to have a grown-up conversation. If he can't do that then it's over anyway. He is not showing you respect, he's just trying to keep you in your box.

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TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 03/02/2017 13:00

To be honest, he shouldn't have even asked you about the stag do. If he is truly invested in fixing the problems within your marriage that he caused, I think he would have recognised that a stag do in a different country involving strippers was likely to cause you some anxiety (which in fact he did because he specifically mentioned it to you - 'I don't want to do anything that will make you unhappy') and should have simply used his own brain to decide that if there was even the merest chance that it would damage your fragile relationship the invitation would have to be declined. He should not have even told you about it. He should just have said no. Deleting emails is a huge, huge red flag when somebody has already betrayed your trust.

I wouldn't play any games. I'd tell him you don't want him to go, tell him that you're hurt he would even consider a stag do or a strip club, and that you know he has already paid the deposit and deleted the email evidence. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Lay it all out and let him attempt an explanation. Either it's all innocent or it's not. Either way, you will get your answer.

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MyWineTime · 03/02/2017 15:35

This whole "I don't own you" comment is just stupid - why would anybody say that?
Of course you don't own your partner, that was never in question.
When A asks B, "do you mind if I.....?" and B replies "I don't own you", B is just avoiding giving a straight answer. If A thought it was crossing the line, they wouldn't have asked it in the first place, if B doesn't want A to do it, then they need to say so. By B saying "actually no I'd rather you didn't" they are not claiming ownership of A, they're not even telling them what to do, they are just saying honestly how they feel.
If B can't say that and A can't handle hearing it, what the hell are they doing in a relationship?

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Adora10 · 03/02/2017 15:41

Common decency would have made me him think nah not going, not fair on my wife after me having an affair less than a year and a half ago, I'd rather take her away and spend my money on her than on a bloody stripper - so yeah, I'd be pissed off too OP and I'd wonder how invested he was in making things up to me.

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HarmlessChap · 03/02/2017 16:36

If he and the groom are close, not going could affect his friendship with him and other close friends. I assume that they are invited to the wedding and since friends won't know the full background she may well be perceived as being controlling for vetoing his attendance.

It doesn't seem as though OP is ready to put the EA behind them just yet, understandable, and ultimately without reestablishing trust the relationship doomed, so he may well need that circle of friends in the future; I know its all of his own making but it doesn't mean he wouldn't need support if it doesn't work out in the end.

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RebelRogue · 03/02/2017 18:38

Awww poor wittle blokey wokey. He might need support after fucking up his relationship with lies,cheating and more lies.
Btw if those other men are such good and close friends to him,i doubt they'd dump him for one missed stag do. Or that a stag do is that much of a bonding experience that it would be the make or break of a support network.

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RebelRogue · 03/02/2017 18:41

MyWine there actually lots of people that ask questions that know would be crossing the line because their want to see how much they can get away with or because they try to seem like they care,when they actually don't give a fuck as long as they get what they want.

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EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 19:14

Quite, Rebel

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MyWineTime · 03/02/2017 20:51

Rebel, I should have clarified, a decent partner wouldn't have asked the question if they knew it crossed the line. I was focusing more on the reply
The whole conversation shows how broken the relationship is.

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